Is she gone for good?

WorkerAnt

Hi guys, looking for some opinions and feedback on this. Long story short; Im 31, ex is 30, we were going out for around 2 years but broke up in November. I had been living at home as I was saving for a deposit on a house at the time, she didn't have a car so things were a bit awkward, but we made it work!

Bacnkground to it....

*Around May last year I went sale agreed on a house, but it meant that I was absolutely stretched for money; I had to cancel plans we had made for a week away, could only get her 'token' gifts for her birthday. She completely supported me though.

*I was studying part time on top of working and leading into the summer was very intense in terms of assignments and study, and at that time work became hectic too.

*I finished the purchase and moved into the house in August, though and figured things would pick up. They didn't unfortunately.

*I had become incredibly stressed and frustrated over the previous and following weeks over the severe lack of money that meant I couldn't furnish or do anything with the house, the work that needed to be done in the house and the mountain of work in college.

*On top of that she was renting and moved to a different part of Dublin that made the commute to hers very long ,mainly due to traffic, and because of said lack of money we probably only had 1 or 2 dates where I took her out between June and November.



As a result I became more and more withdrawn, irritable and constantly felt like I just needed to be alone, and I began treating her badly; Id only see her once a week and when I did Id be in a bad mood; wouldn't talk to her or touch her. Inevitably we decided November to split up and take time apart as things were just getting worse. We said we'd meet again in January and take it from there. We didn't speak in the time between at all, we agreed

In the interim, I sorted out a lot of things; finished up exams, got work done on the house and felt like I got myself back to normal (honestly, I look back at those few months and wonder WTF happened to me, I was a different person). We met and talked very openly and seemed we were going to reconcile, but then I received a text from her one evening saying she couldn't forgive me for never contacting her while we were split up (we had agreed no contact) and said she was heartbroken and she wished she was in a head space for reconciliation but that she had moved on, despite wishing she hadn't... We had a very intense back and forth, which culminated in her saying she never wanted to see me again, she had moved on and I didn't mean anything to her anymore, however she again reiterated that I 'had no idea how heartbroken it made her and how much she wished she could agree get back together'.

Anyway, that all happened a month or so ago. I had finished my course last week and just sent her a quick note saying so and that it was a great event for me, so wanted to share it with her, but got no reply. The guy she was seeing before me was someone she was with for 6 year who treated her absolutely awfully, constantly bullied her and verbally abused her and complete ran her confidence down, so think that's played a part in it.

What should I do in this instance; I know if I was looking on from the outside Id say move on, respect her wishes and leave, but I cant. Its absolutely killing me, I made such a mess of things; I cant stop thinking of her and how it got to this point, she wont even speak to me tho. Has anyone been in a similar position where a relationship seemed completely dead but brought it back? Would getting in touch just make things worse? Sorry for the length

Confucius say

She's talking nonsense and trying to put all the blame on you. You seem to be entirely blaming yourself too, usually it takes two to tango. She's come out with some real corkers though.
To answer your question; no, she's not coming back. You need to cut her off and move on, and you will in time, how hard you make it for yourself is up to you. Courage mon brave.

CaraMay

I don't think it's fair to keep at her op. She was in an abusive relationship before you and got out of it and then got out of a second stressful relationship. You can understand why she doesn't want any more of that. It's just not fair to drag her back in.

alane20

Seriously if you read what you wrote, you were head down ass up grinding away on securing a solid future, you achieved your goals, she sounds like an emotionally needy basket case, you have your base to start from and excel, cut your losses don't waste your mental energy on her, onwards and upwards, best of luck

Mr. Incognito

Hi there OP.

I have to ask, why is a single man in college stretching all his money to buy a house that, frankly with no partner and no kids you don't need.

It appears that the stress of this purchase and the time committments meant that it put a strain on your relationship. You had to buy her only token gifts for special occassions, but if that's special occassions I would deduce that there were no romantic nights out, or a few beers or a trip to the cinema.

Maybe she saw a guy that simply put himself first over a long period of time and she decided that was not for her.

Nobody knows the dynamic of your relationship but she has made it clear that she has moved on. All you can do is cut contact and do the same.

WorkerAnt

Thanks for the replies great to get some others perspectives on things, particularly confuscius and alane. Was at a bit of a low point the past couple of days, as mentioned, finished my course and seemed odd not having her about to celebrate at all, may be why. As said, been great to vent and get input tho Just on the below in particular

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to keep at her op. She was in an abusive relationship before you and got out of it and then got out of a second stressful relationship. You can understand why she doesn't want any more of that. It's just not fair to drag her back in.

I completely see that point of view and its something Im very conscientious of, believe me. I feel awful about how I treated her, and she seemed to be making out that she wanted to reconcile but wouldn't do so in spite of her own wishes, which I why I thought the fact that the last guy treated so badly influenced her.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there OP.

I have to ask, why is a single man in college stretching all his money to buy a house that, frankly with no partner and no kids you don't need.

It appears that the stress of this purchase and the time committments meant that it put a strain on your relationship. You had to buy her only token gifts for special occassions, but if that's special occassions I would deduce that there were no romantic nights out, or a few beers or a trip to the cinema.

Maybe she saw a guy that simply put himself first over a long period of time and she decided that was not for her.

Nobody knows the dynamic of your relationship but she has made it clear that she has moved on. All you can do is cut contact and do the same.

I work full time, Im doing an MSc part time. I bought at the time because the house is in a part of Dublin Ive grown up in and love being in, has good services. Its also a place I can see myself living for a very long time unless circumstances changed considerably, and I got it for a very good price. The mortgage is over €600 a month less than what I had been saving/giving parents in rent and probably around €600 less than renting a similar place, so I have more disposable income than I did previously, was just those few months when things were stretched very very thin. Seemed to tick all the boxes.

In the meantime we did have dinner dates at hers or nights out in the cinema every so often, unfortunately that was the extent of it, and as mentioned, I was in such a bad mood Im sure it dampened any atmosphere.

As mentioned above, just kinda feel that we went through a long stressful period, but its passed now so just sad that we didn't make it through it, regret that I couldn't keep things together for that period I guess.

CaraMay

It's difficult as you did have a lot going on but you have a lot to look forward to. Well done on achieving so much.

pookie82

alane20 wrote: »

Seriously if you read what you wrote, you were head down ass up grinding away on securing a solid future, you achieved your goals, she sounds like an emotionally needy basket case, you have your base to start from and excel, cut your losses don't waste your mental energy on her, onwards and upwards, best of luck

Can't believe some of these replies.

Read what the OP said: "As a result I became more and more withdrawn, irritable and constantly felt like I just needed to be alone, and I began treating her badly; Id only see her once a week and when I did Id be in a bad mood; wouldn't talk to her or touch her."

So when he DID actually meet her he wouldn't speak or touch her? And this went on from what, May to November, at least?

I know few women who would put up with that for very long. OP, life will bring all sorts of stresses your way in future. If you react to them by completely shutting your partner out and making her feel unloved and unwelcome because of something YOU'RE struggling to achieve, you're not really thinking about her at all. What happens if you lose your job, have a baby, struggle to meet your mortgage repayments down the line, get ill ... the list goes on and on. Will any future stress result in the same thing - shutting her out and refusing to speak to or touch her? She's probably thought about this.

You can tell a lot from a person or a relationship dynamic by how someone acts in times of stress - she's seen how you act towards her and she's not prepared to settle for that. This probably won't be the last life stress you ever have.

Now that things have settled for you you want to click back into the way things were but she's seen another side of you that she can't ignore.

I think you need to leave her be. I don't think she's being a "head wreck" in telling you she'd love to get back with you but can't let herself - she's being honest. You messed up here and she's telling you it's beyond repair, leave her be.

retro:electro

Ya she seems to emotionally needy. How dare she want to be treated right or touched by her boyfriend.

WorkerAnt

pookie82 wrote: »

Can't believe some of these replies.

Read what the OP said: "As a result I became more and more withdrawn, irritable and constantly felt like I just needed to be alone, and I began treating her badly; Id only see her once a week and when I did Id be in a bad mood; wouldn't talk to her or touch her."

So when he DID actually meet her he wouldn't speak or touch her? And this went on from what, May to November, at least?

I know few women who would put up with that for very long. OP, life will bring all sorts of stresses your way in future. If you react to them by completely shutting your partner out and making her feel unloved and unwelcome because of something YOU'RE struggling to achieve, you're not really thinking about her at all. What happens if you lose your job, have a baby, struggle to meet your mortgage repayments down the line, get ill ... the list goes on and on. Will any future stress result in the same thing - shutting her out and refusing to speak to or touch her? She's probably thought about this.

You can tell a lot from a person or a relationship dynamic by how someone acts in times of stress - she's seen how you act towards her and she's not prepared to settle for that. This probably won't be the last life stress you ever have.

Now that things have settled for you you want to click back into the way things were but she's seen another side of you that she can't ignore.

I think you need to leave her be. I don't think she's being a "head wreck" in telling you she'd love to get back with you but can't let herself - she's being honest. You messed up here and she's telling you it's beyond repair, leave her be.

Thats insightful, and definitely where my own train of thought has been. I know during that period she was under a lot of stress too which affected her, she did have to move home for a couple of reasons, and I know she was disappointed I didn't get her anything extravagant for her birthday and that her friends had gone on holidays during the summer and we didn't (we had planned to but I had to cancel it when things started moving with the house, which I hated..).

When we did speak tho, she was very clear and specific that it was because I hadn't contacted her during November to January that she wouldn't try to get back together, thats the only thing she can't get over (according to her). She had actually got back in touch with me earlier than we had agreed we would and initiated things, and things went really well from there. Ive been through stressful periods before, and as said I look at things during that period and don't know how it got so bad, was a completely different person, wish I had have been able to stabilise things

Thanks, its very insightful post, and appreciate the input all

retro:electro

WorkerAnt wrote: »

Thats insightful, and definitely where my own train of thought has been. I know during that period she was under a lot of stress too which affected her, she did have to move home for a couple of reasons, and I know she was disappointed I didn't get her anything extravagant for her birthday and that her friends had gone on holidays during the summer and we didn't (we had planned to but I had to cancel it when things started moving with the house, which I hated..).

When we did speak tho, she was very clear and specific that it was because I hadn't contacted her during November to January that she wouldn't try to get back together, thats the only thing she can't get over (according to her). She had actually got back in touch with me earlier than we had agreed we would and initiated things, and things went really well from there. Ive been through stressful periods before, and as said I look at things during that period and don't know how it got so bad, was a completely different person, wish I had have been able to stabilise things

Thanks, its very insightful post, and appreciate the input all

At first you said you could only get her token birthday gifts and she supported that.

WorkerAnt

anna080 wrote: »

At first you said you could only get her token birthday gifts and she supported that.

She did, however she told me a few weeks later she was disappointed with them..

CaraMay

It doesn't sound like presents were the issue here. Sounds like she felt rejected for a long time and didn't want to go back to that ever

Ursus Horribilis

It looks like you fell down on the communication side of things. I bought a house last year so I know exactly how stressful it is. Not to mention how darn expensive it is, especially at the start. The way you behaved would have put off a lot of women. Being withdrawn, irritable and in a bad mood for so long would upset a lot of women and you've got to accept responsibility for that.

On the other hand, I notice you say you could only take her out on two dates between June and November. Did she ever offer to take you out? Especially if she knew money was tight. That and her being disappointed with the token birthday present make me wonder a little.

I think too much damage has been done here to retrieve this. You've learned a very tough lesson here. Love is rarely unconditional and if you treat someone shoddily it can come back to bite you.

KikiDee

WorkerAnt wrote: »

When we did speak tho, she was very clear and specific that it was because I hadn't contacted her during November to January that she wouldn't try to get back together, thats the only thing she can't get over (according to her).

But you said in an earlier post that you had both agreed to this period of no contact right? So to me, it kind of seems like you can't do right for doing wrong. You both agreed to no contact but that's the reason she won't try again? For what it's worth, I reckon she's still hurting from your treatment of her.

Yes, you were a d**k towards her, there's no 2 ways about it, you know that, it's done and there's nothing you can do to change it. There are periods of a relationship where one is going to be a d**k to the other. I'm sure you've apologised over and over. While it's easier said than done, at this stage, you need to move on yourself. If she's the one for you, it'll happen.

Well done on finishing college by the way. Fab achievement!

WorkerAnt

Odus fell down wrote: »

It looks like you fell down on the communication side of things. I bought a house last year so I know exactly how stressful it is. Not to mention how darn expensive it is, especially at the start. The way you behaved would have put off a lot of women. Being withdrawn, irritable and in a bad mood for so long would upset a lot of women and you've got to accept responsibility for that.

On the other hand, I notice you say you could only take her out on two dates between June and November. Did she ever offer to take you out? Especially if she knew money was tight. That and her being disappointed with the token birthday present make me wonder a little.

I think too much damage has been done here to retrieve this. You've learned a very tough lesson here. Love is rarely unconditional and if you treat someone shoddily it can come back to bite you.

Yea I was amazed how quickly time and money seem to go! No, in hindsight she never really did take me out for date nights, would pay for cinema tickets at times, but I saw that as a fair trade off as I moved back in with my parents shortly after we started going out, so had to use her place just about all the time when we wanted to hang out

KikiDee wrote: »

But you said in an earlier post that you had both agreed to this period of no contact right? So to me, it kind of seems like you can't do right for doing wrong. You both agreed to no contact but that's the reason she won't try again? For what it's worth, I reckon she's still hurting from your treatment of her.

Yes, you were a d**k towards her, there's no 2 ways about it, you know that, it's done and there's nothing you can do to change it. There are periods of a relationship where one is going to be a d**k to the other. I'm sure you've apologised over and over. While it's easier said than done, at this stage, you need to move on yourself. If she's the one for you, it'll happen.

Well done on finishing college by the way. Fab achievement!

This is the part that's making it stick in my head and making it so hard to just move on. Its like the major issues were things we could get past, and before I went sale agreed on the house the 18 months before that were great in spite of me being at home, her not driving and everything else that may have been thrown at us and we had been discussing the future. She just insists she cant forget that I didn't contact her at all and cant forgive me for that. I cant believe that's the 'point of no return' issue and that we cant just work it out. I wish Id never bought the ****in house now.

Seems the consensus is unanimous anyway, and Im really thankful for all the replies. I was feeling **** the past couple of days and guess I needed to just vent and all of the replies Ive got have actually made me feel much better today. Thanks

pookie82

WorkerAnt wrote: »

When we did speak tho, she was very clear and specific that it was because I hadn't contacted her during November to January that she wouldn't try to get back together, thats the only thing she can't get over (according to her). She had actually got back in touch with me earlier than we had agreed we would and initiated things, and things went really well from there.

So you both agreed on a break up with a couple of months of no contact, and she broke that agreement to get back in touch earlier than expected.

I can't pretend to be inside her head but I reckon I could take a fair shot at it, if that would help.

You indicate that things hit rock bottom in November and you both agreed to split up, and at that point said you'd reconvene in January.

It's very likely that she thought once the break up was real, you'd realise kind of quickly (i.e. days or a couple of weeks) what you had done and what you had given up, crack, contact her, and ask her back.

Instead, you adhered to cold logic and agreement (not saying that was wrong of you) and stayed silent. This period was probably filled with her secretly waiting and wondering what was going on in your head, if you were missing her, if you regretted what you had done, etc. etc. Whereas she may have picked up the phone many times and stopped herself, from HER point of view, you broke up and forgot about her completely.

Maybe she even took it as a sign you were relieved to be out of it. Hot on the heels of months of silence, no affection and no effort, that's what I'd think, to be honest.

Men tend to operate more on logic, women on emotions, especially when it comes to love. That's a grand generalisation of me and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying it, but I have found it, personally at least, to be true. I think she wished you'd realise really quickly what you had lost and made an effort to get it back as soon as possible. Instead she had to be the one to crack and get back in touch, and now it probably feels like if she had never done that, you still wouldn't be talking at all. She more than likely spent those months pining and missing you and to HER, you spent them forgetting/moving on/in silence.

I could be 100% off the mark here but I reckon that's what's gone on. If you could find a way to explain that you wanted to contact her too but thought your agreement was watertight, maybe you'd have some shot at talking her back. But I suspect even if you got back together tomorrow she'll live in fear of your next stressful life event putting her through this all over again.

I don't think you meant to be outright malicious at any stage here but you did forget to think about the person you were with for a very long time, and hopefully that's a (hard) lesson you'll take with you for next time.

strandroad

WorkerAnt wrote: »

This is the part that's making it stick in my head and making it so hard to just move on. Its like the major issues were things we could get past, and before I went sale agreed on the house the 18 months before that were great in spite of me being at home, her not driving and everything else that may have been thrown at us and we had been discussing the future. She just insists she cant forget that I didn't contact her at all and cant forgive me for that. I cant believe that's the 'point of no return' issue and that we cant just work it out. I wish Id never bought the ****in house now.

You did treat her badly for a prolonged period of time (why would you even meet if you wouldn't talk?) but I guess that your downfall is largely due to the fact that you were her second bad relationship. If a person finds themselves in a situation again, they are bound to ask themselves "Am I being a doormat here? Why am I attracting this?" and they will start thinking in terms of breaking the cycle rather than assessing the situation on its own. Which is actually not a bad attitude to have with regard to one's self esteem, self care etc but here you might have fared better if you were the first problematic guy. She felt like she'd be giving you yet another chance, as opposed to one and only chance, to fix things. She was probably also truthful when she said that she both wanted and didn't want to be with you - that's her emotions and her common sense speaking, respectively.

It's not something you can change now so it's best to take it on the chin. You were aware of her history so perhaps there's a lesson there that people will rate their relationships in terms of trends, especially as they get older.

Sound Bite

As someone who has been in your girlfriend's position, this may help you see it from her point of view.

I have an ex who I would have been very much in love with who went through a very stressful period in his life too.

I felt frozen out, my opinion didn't matter, any support I offered was rejected and I felt I was bottom of his priority list and that everything else suddenly became more important than me or our relationship.

I tried to talk about it several times or improve things but he was suffering from such tunnel vision that he wouldn't listen and didn't notice what was happening.

We broke up. Since then his life is a lot easier and he wants us to get back together. He's a good guy, I probably still love him to a certain extent. I accept everyone goes through stressful times in their life but the fact he refused to deal with it as a couple caused a lot of damage.

I won't ever get back with him because I never want to go through it again & it indicates how he deals with stress- life isn't a bed of roses and there will be bad times again & I'll be treated the same way. I wouldn't risk feeling so unwanted again. It hurt once , I'd be a fool to set myself up for that again.

Sorry this is longer than intended but might give you a sense of it from the other side.She may still think you are a great guy but it won't be enough. The damage is done.

LegacyUser

You had a clear focus & seem to have given your all to achieving it.
Just from your OP, there is no sense of a team, a couple, or a united front during that time.
It's easy to date someone when times are good & life is rosy. The true test of a relationship is how you support someone,&/allow yourself to be supported, when the tough times hit.
This girl has probably looked at this scenario& figured- hey, this is us, this is what happens when s*** hits the fan (illness, death, job loss, miscarriage, ect), he'll go into hibernation& we'll each have to deal with things alone! Sure in that case, I might as well BE alone , what's the point of us?

acon2119

pookie82 wrote: »

So you both agreed on a break up with a couple of months of no contact, and she broke that agreement to get back in touch earlier than expected.

I can't pretend to be inside her head but I reckon I could take a fair shot at it, if that would help.

You indicate that things hit rock bottom in November and you both agreed to split up, and at that point said you'd reconvene in January.

It's very likely that she thought once the break up was real, you'd realise kind of quickly (i.e. days or a couple of weeks) what you had done and what you had given up, crack, contact her, and ask her back.

Instead, you adhered to cold logic and agreement (not saying that was wrong of you) and stayed silent. This period was probably filled with her secretly waiting and wondering what was going on in your head, if you were missing her, if you regretted what you had done, etc. etc. Whereas she may have picked up the phone many times and stopped herself, from HER point of view, you broke up and forgot about her completely.

Maybe she even took it as a sign you were relieved to be out of it. Hot on the heels of months of silence, no affection and no effort, that's what I'd think, to be honest.

Men tend to operate more on logic, women on emotions, especially when it comes to love. That's a grand generalisation of me and I don't mean to offend anyone by saying it, but I have found it, personally at least, to be true. I think she wished you'd realise really quickly what you had lost and made an effort to get it back as soon as possible. Instead she had to be the one to crack and get back in touch, and now it probably feels like if she had never done that, you still wouldn't be talking at all. She more than likely spent those months pining and missing you and to HER, you spent them forgetting/moving on/in silence.

I could be 100% off the mark here but I reckon that's what's gone on. If you could find a way to explain that you wanted to contact her too but thought your agreement was watertight, maybe you'd have some shot at talking her back. But I suspect even if you got back together tomorrow she'll live in fear of your next stressful life event putting her through this all over again.

I don't think you meant to be outright malicious at any stage here but you did forget to think about the person you were with for a very long time, and hopefully that's a (hard) lesson you'll take with you for next time.

I totally agree with this post