Would you move?

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this as short as I can.

I have a permanent job. My partner is currently subbing (teacher). We would like to get married and start a family (no plans to immediately) but we both live 2+ hours from our respective families. Teaching jobs are difficult to get in the west.

Would starting a family without our own family support be really difficult? At the moment I commute 1 hour to work - a move closer to that would mean it would be closer to 3 hours to return 'home'.

Am I wrong to think it would be extremely challenging and lonely without any relatives nearby? We like where we live but have no 'ties' to it.

Should we try to move closer to home?

Either way, is an hour commute with children crazy? The way I see it, these are my options:
1) Give up my job even though I love the place I work and try to gain employment in the west, keeping in mind that I could spend a lot of time unemployed
2) Keep my current job and current commute & attempt to 'put down roots'
3) Keep my current job & move closer but this really depends on where the OH gets stable work

silverharp

Its a bonus to have a family nearby but secure employment comes way ahead. Even if you lived near them you would still most likely need to organise reliable childcare. Personally I would never commute more than an hour each way , if anything you should get your partner to keep a beady eye on any schools near where you work so you could move closer and life would get a lot easier for you both.

Neyite

Plenty of couples have no local family support, myself included and we have managed so far. If we were badly stuck, someone would either travel to us or we'd drop the baby to them for a night or so.

By far the most important thing you need if you want to marry and have a family is job stability - a steady wage from one of you at least. One person doing a long commute is do-able, but the other would likely have to find work that is local to the creche, or find work where the hours are compatible.

I've found that things have a way of working out in that regard.

jester77

It's nice having family nearby but it's also nice not having them nearby. Our nearest family support is 5 hours away, never been an issue. Any type of work commute is a nightmare and time you will never get back.

If anything I would be looking at moving closer to the job. A 1 hour commute to your job is a lot, especially when you have children. You have to consider your creche options, if you get one close to home then it is quite a distance to get there when something happens to your child. If you get one close to work, then the child has to also commute 1 hour every day which is not very fair. Plus when you are sick or unable to work then it could be difficult to get your child to the creche.

LegacyUser

Personally I wouldn not consider having children without close family support especially with the cost of childcare nowadays and just the general hard work trying to look after a child and live your life without lots of help.

I have a number of friends who have had their first child in the last year and they all live close to family, right next door in some instances and looking at how much work it is with close family I can't imagine without. They have grandparents around helping basically everyday when the kids were new born so the mother can rest and the dads could concentrate on work, siblings to babysit at night so the new parents can go out now and again without the cost of a baby sitter etc.

Even more so is the ones who have gone back to work have the massive advantage of the grandparents minding the child thus saving an absolute fortune in childcare, even being able to pick up and drop off from their house at times rather the the working mothers having to travel elsewhere to drop off before work or keeping them later in the evening if there are things on etc.

If it were me I'd be looking at relocating close to home before considering kids.

Neyite

I_wouldn't wrote: »

Personally I wouldn not consider having children without close family support especially with the cost of childcare nowadays and just the general hard work trying to look after a child and live your life without lots of help.

I have a number of friends who have had their first child in the last year and they all live close to family, right next door in some instances and looking at how much work it is with close family I can't imagine without. They have grandparents around helping basically everyday when the kids were new born so the mother can rest and the dads could concentrate on work, siblings to babysit at night so the new parents can go out now and again without the cost of a baby sitter etc.

Even more so is the ones who have gone back to work have the massive advantage of the grandparents minding the child thus saving an absolute fortune in childcare, even being able to pick up and drop off from their house at times rather the the working mothers having to travel elsewhere to drop off before work or keeping them later in the evening if there are things on etc.

If it were me I'd be looking at relocating close to home before considering kids.

Big ask, expecting the grandparents to childmind though. I'm of the view that they reared their own, now is their time to spend it how they want. Neither set of grandparents in our home are all that interested in rearing children all over again. They've finally got a bit of peace and quiet and can do what they always wanted to do whether that was to take up a hobby or to do a bit of travelling.

Occasional offers of babysitting are gratefully received, but in no way expected. I'd be well pissed off if someone moved closer to me with the assumption of me being a full time childminder of their children. There is a big difference between Granny popping in for a few weeks in the newborn stages to help out and full time, long term childcare.

OP, I don't have family nearby, they are at least an hour away. And you know, we've managed just fine in the 4 years we've had a child. I have lots of friends who are in similar situations, an hour or two away from family and they get on just fine too. My own parents didn't have any family nearby and they got on grand. You don't need family there, unless its for hands-on assistance. I got the same advice skypeing my mother and my older siblings as I would if I was sitting in their living room. In fact it worked better having a sibling in a different time zone because I could text them at 3am with a question about calpol or earaches and get an instant reply.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Big ask, expecting the grandparents to childmind though. I'm of the view that they reared their own, now is their time to spend it how they want. Neither set of grandparents in our home are all that interested in rearing children all over again.

It's pretty much a given that grandparents do the childminding where I'm from and has always been this way. Myself and my siblings were all minded by our grandparents so I don't see why it would be a big shock if my parents where expected to do the same. The cost of childcare is just too much and I know of one or two sets of grandparents that got highly offended at the suggestion that they wouldn't mind the child 5 days a week as it was suggested getting child care once a week.

I know my parents for instance would see spending money on childcare rather than saving it, using the money to live more comfortablely etc as being madness and that would be a common opinion amoung people of my parents generation.

Of course it's doable without support close by as lots of people do it but it wouldn't be for me as having a baby is hard enough without lots of support and help close by.

intheclouds

I know one or two people whose parents help out for a day a week or so but most people I know with kids pay for childcare and dont expect their parents (if they are still living) to do it for them.

Youd be mad to move away to a long commute imo, youd have no quality of life.

Plenty of people raise kids with no immediate support network.

RentDayBlues

I_wouldn't2 wrote: »

It's pretty much a given that grandparents do the childminding where I'm from and has always been this way. Myself and my siblings were all minded by our grandparents so I don't see why it would be a big shock if my parents where expected to do the same. The cost of childcare is just too much and I know of one or two sets of grandparents that got highly offended at the suggestion that they wouldn't mind the child 5 days a week as it was suggested getting child care once a week.

I know my parents for instance would see spending money on childcare rather than saving it, using the money to live more comfortablely etc as being madness and that would be a common opinion amoung people of my parents generation.

Of course it's doable without support close by as lots of people do it but it wouldn't be for me as having a baby is hard enough without lots of support and help close by.

Where is this your from, 1980's?

It's ridiculous to expect grandparents to care full time for babies/young child. Even asking ours once a week feels like we're putting too much on them

freshpopcorn

Without turning this into a debate about grandparents childminding , which works for some families and doesn't for others.
OP, you've to talk to your partner about this and what you want in the long run.
Being near family is a must for some and sometimes this might involve sacrifices.

Neyite

Childminding is a red herring when it comes to juggling work and family time. We have the option of moving closer to relatives, but the resultant commute meant we'd be leaving at 7am, returning home around 7pm. That's the entire waking hours of our small child at the time, so what worked for us (and still does) is to live somewhere nearer to work, where we have no ties but a shorter commute. We'd have cheaper rent, but any saving is swallowed up on fuel for two cars as we commute to different areas of the locality and have slightly different hours so sharing a car for a commute is not possible.

We are all in the door at 6pm. From April or so on, that means that we can do stuff in the evenings - go to the playground, or the park. We aren't putting a sleeping child in the car in PJ's at 7am. He's in a creche near one of our workplaces if he gets sick and needs to come home. (we play that one by ear - some days I'm on a deadline and cant leave, other times my partner can work from home so we figure it out as we go). It's this kind of thing that you need to consider.

Feasibly, one of you could commute a distance, but probably you'd need the other parent to be more flexible in terms of being able to leave work /work from home on the days that you might have chicken pox and local enough that when a childminders or crèche call, you aren't hours travelling to pick them up to bring them home. I think eventually for us, this would be our plan - to move closer to the folks if one of us gets a local, flexible job. The other does the longer commute. And our child would be older so we have more time in the evenings to spend with him.

groovyg

I work and have worked with people who commuted long distance and it really drains people. I think swapping a 1hr commute to 3hrs would be madness. One of my colleagues has two kids only sees them in the evening as she leaves the house before they wake up, she commutes between 3.5/4 hrs depending on traffic each day, she has grandparents and her husband works close by so all childcare is looked after by them. But after a number of years you can see its taking its toll on her health.

At the moment you have a permanent secure job which you love and enjoy and you want to swap that for an unpredictable future where you could be temping and have no security. Your husband is a subbing teacher - who knows when he will get a permanent one. One of my friends is a teacher and was working on contract for close to 8 years before she eventually got a CID.
In terms of a house where will you live if you move closer to your folks? are you going to build or buy a house? If you want to get a mortgage you need a permanent secure job with a savings record.

In the area that you are in - what's the deal with childcare? schools, recreational facilities? Its all well and good moving closer to home to be surrounded by your relatives but if you are unemployed and can't find work you won't need to depend on your folks for childcare.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here.

I'm not sure if there was a small bit of confusion about commutes: At the moment it's 1 hour each way for me. I realise it's an option to move closer to my work & lessen the commute, but that would entirely depend on where the OH manages to gain employment as if we move closer to my workplace, we're cutting off a large proportion of areas for him, so for the moment we must stay put.

I am happy to hear that many families survive without support of relatives. I do think it's quite lonely at the moment as my friends are from work - I have joined classes etc where I live but haven't struck up any friendships. Have joined meetup.com but there isn't a whole lot happening on it.

I wouldn't be relying on family members to do the childminding, although having the opportunity to grab an hour here or there, or a night out would be nice, but not expected. There is no chance of that happening if we don't move closer to home, but as you've rightly pointed out, secure employment wouldn't be guaranteed. For someone like me in a permanent position, others have simply resigned their position and hope to land on their feet after lengths of subbing. I'm not sure if I could cope with the unreliability of that.
Regarding current creche/childcare options, again, I'm reluctant to move schools unless I have to, and again, depends on where OH gains employment which will determine where we can put down roots. I guess from writing this down, that's a major factor of determining our future. I have spoken to the OH about this, and he would like to move 'home' or closer to it, but realises the difficulty in getting a job.

A final issue is that currently where we live, you wouldn't get change for a 3/4 bed detached house from 300,000+, whereas in our 'home' area you'd have a huge house for half of that!

Just to explain the above a little better, home for me is still where I'm from originally.

The_Conductor

I'm another person who is managing with two young children- despite no family support (and in my case- I do have a grandparent who lives close by- but they don't want there to be an assumption that they will help out- and anytime they do help out- they do so in such a manner that you're not likely to ask for help (to go to a doctor's appointment or whatever) again (as in, ever........)

The cost of a house- is only one part of the equation- putting down roots in a community where you have other young families- and where your children will have a nice childhood- trumps pretty much any other factor.

If you are unlikely to find a job in an area- that pretty much rules out that area- in my book.

The only other observation I'd make- is when you do have a young family- you will not want a mad commute- a less well paying job 10 minutes from home- is worth far more to you in the longer term- than a high falluting job that has you on the road 2-3 hours a day. Its not possible to put a price on having an extra 2-3 hours in your day to spend with your little ones.

Good luck with whatever decision you come to- you're going to have to sit down and decide what your priorities are, and what you're willing to give up to achieve those priorities. Its a game of coming up with the balance that best suits you.

PLL

Can't speak of the commute but I became pregnant at 20 and we moved from Cork to Dub because my oh was offered a great job. We knew no one which was tough but we got through it. He got the prestigious experience he needed and has been able to get a job anywhere in the country because of it. We're now in Galway, family are in Tipp and Kerry and I'm pregnant with another one. I'm 25 now and a student. If we can do it, you can.
Not to blow my own trumpet but we had lots of people and their opinions telling us 'what was best for us'. We did what we believed was best for us, and at times it was tough but it means we aren't going to be stuck in shítty paid jobs in a rural area with no prospects.

Obviously your situation is different, but I just wanted to make the point that even in the most unlikely of situations, it is possible to raise children without family nearby.


Play the long game I always say. What route will benefit your family as it grows.

LegacyUser

Depends on what you mean by support: an ear to bend, or advice, can be done over the phone, or Skype if you prefer.

If you mean childminding, well that's a huge presumption on your part, that grandparents would do daycare, or that siblings would do babysitting. Maybe you have already spoken to them about that, but even if you have, it's all very well people saying 'ah yeah sure no problem' - but when reality kicks in, they might not be so willing. And they shouldnt have to do that for you: that's what crèches and babysitters are for!

Plus there's been enoough threads here where people are at loggerheads with relatives, caused by living in each other's pockets - and child are seems to be a big factor in this, with grandparents acting as though they have a 'say' in people's lives, if they do the childcare. Don't get me wrong, grandparents that do that are so selfless - and probably putting themselves out big time - but IMO it is likely to lead to trouble.

It sounds like your real issue is lack of friends/social life where you live now. I don't think that has anything to do with family support if you have a kid. Would it be fair to say that you don't feel that you've 'settled' in your current location, and the thoughts of having a kid and living in that location scares you?