Having an identity crisis.

LegacyUser

I am writing this on an internet forum because I need help on it and I don't know where else to turn to. I am in my 20's now but my whole identity issue stems back to an end of year school report I got when I was 12. It read:

"R is extremely outgoing and very popular among all of his classmates".

That was 13 years ago. I had been shy for the years leading up to that point, although I had always managed to make friends in school and from playing out on the street. That was the year I finally seemed to be coming out of my shell. Since then, it has gone downhill for me. I don't know who I am or what sort of personality type I am anymore. Back then I was happy because even at that young age, I was comfortable in my own skin. I had a sense of self and my self-esteem was high. I was finally extroverted and easy to get along with like most other people around me.

Since then, my shyness and quietness has returned in abundance. I have managed to always have a couple of friends throughout the 13 years of my life since that school report. I have managed to get into two different relationships. By some accounts, my life has been normal. But the overwhelming sense that I get from my life is a contrast between feeling lonely, and not actually wanting to do anything about it. Living life as a quiet and reserved person, but hating myself for it. All because of what medical professionals would call social anxiety.

The reason I can't accept myself for it is because it feels wrong. I have zero social outlets, apart from a best mate I go to drink with now and then. Even now I can't do that anymore because I'm living in a new city with my girlfriend thousands of miles from home.

Nowadays I have no self-esteem. And it is all because I have no idea of whether I am an introvert or an extrovert. Whether I am actually quiet and reserved, or shyness is blocking any semblance of extroversion. It is a major identity crisis. I've done the tests on personality types, but they can't clear up the confusion in my own mind. The only hint I can think of is that I become quite social and want to chat to people when I'm drinking alcohol. This could point to an underlying desire to socialize that is only let lose when inhibitions are lowered.

When I am sober I am not the type of person to be driving the conversation in big groups. Actually, I hate big groups and feel very uncomfortable in them (as opposed to introverts who might feel comfortable but just won't contribute much). I'm not the kind of person to be cracking jokes at the dinner table during family gatherings. But I don't know why I am quiet. Why I'm not like everyone else? Is this because it is who I am, or is it because I am shy and socially anxious? Is my lack of a desire to engage in social activities a sign of depression? I really don't know. and I thank anyone who might take time from their day to shed some light on this.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am so sorry to hear that. <Mod Snip - forbidden topic> The first thing you need to do is to go and see your GP and explain everything to him or her and then ask for a refferal to a psycharist and then you can talk things through with him or her. You should also get counselling as that will help. If you need to speak to someone in crisis then you should phone the Samartains on 116123 or Pieta House or Console. Remember you can get through this and that there is help avaliable when you need it. Just dont be afraid to ask. Remember that there are people out there who will listen and who will help. The soo er you get help the better.
Best of Luck

bee06

OP, why do you feel the need to label yourself as an introvert or an extrovert? Can you just not be yourself and start working towards accepting the person that you are? I think this maybe all stems from your lack of self esteem so that's something you need help with. Do talk to your GP.

Taltos

Mod Note
Just a reminder for everyone - particularly you Ryan - giving a diagnosis will result in a ban from this forum, that is what the professionals are for.

liquoriceall

I don't understand why it matters if you are introvert or extrovert? TBH it's not that cut and dried anyways? I am shy in some situations but then other people would swear that I'm really outgoing and chatty! If you are looking for social outlets why not join Meetup or a local club that you are interested in? We can't all have heaps of friends but the joy of getting older is that we realise you don't need to be friends with people to do things with them just a common interest!

Merkin

I'm at a loss as to understand this level of introspection, especially when the end goal is for a self inflicted label. People, as individuals, are so complex and can display a whole host of characteristics that could be representative of narcissism, psychopathy, empathy, extroversion....you get the picture. Why don't you just work on your self confidence and self esteem and try your best to stop this unnecessary self analysis?

Ursus Horribilis

Well, for starters you shouldn't be paying much attention to what you were like when you were 12. I'm in my 30s and have long since moved away from my home town. I occasionally come across people I went to school with and who I've not spoken to for 15 or 20 years. The difference between what they were like in 6th class or even in Leaving Cert can be like night and day.

As has been pointed out, you seem to be analysing yourself to death. I'm wondering why do you feel a need to stick a label on yourself? These tests are an inexact science so to be placing your self worth in such things is madness. I spotted a year or two ago that they've come up with a new personality type. An ambivert. That someone suddenly decided that there was a need for this new personality type goes to show that all these personality tests aren't set in stone.

Apart from this strange obsession with who/what you are, you sound like a perfectly normal person. Despite what you think, most people don't actually have that many proper friends. Many of those gangs of friends you'll see on social media are actually an assortment of friends, acquaintances, hangers on and drinking buddies. There are plenty of people out there whose idea of hell is going to a nightclub or a crowded pub. Plenty of people who would much rather sit in with a good book or a box set. You've not done too badly in your life. You've got a handful of genuine friends it would appear. You've had two serious relationships. That's more than some people have had.