where to go from here

LegacyUser

Hi, would be a regular reader here so I have a feeling I know mostly the advice I'll get but hopefully writing it down will help.
About a year separated with two kids. Spend a bit of time alone but recently got back into dating. Have been out with maybe 12 girls but mostly one date and nothing worth pursuing. All on tinder. Met two girls that I clicked with. First one about 3 months ago we went very fast lots of sex I started to fall but she wasn't over her ex so we parted ways. I was hurt. Latest girl had similar issues but even worse however I came on way to strong despite being told by her that she was going to run if she liked me even tho she didn't. So she did run last week after a lovely evening together where I felt it was gong somewhere but I blame myself as well.

My issue is I'm just so so lonely. I lost my friends during my marriage and there is so much going on with kids access and courts etc and dating was a nice distraction. I've been to councillor and therapy since I split with my wife. It helps but I can't shake the want or desire to be with someone. It probably comes across to the girls I meet no matter how hard I try to be cool and calm. Plus I seem to attract girls who aren't over their exes!
I know the advice will be work on myself and it will happen but what does working on myself even mean? I don't meet any girls anywhere as I don't work in an industry with females. Online is my only way and it can be demoralising at times. I feel like I've missed out a lot as me and my ex had a bad relationship she was my first lover but we never really had much sex so feel like I'd like to experience more but I can't do casual as I just get too involved and get hurt. I wouldn't even know how to ask for just sex anyway. I think I'm past meeting someone at times as I've always been very shy and my age I feel also having being married with kids will turn alot of girls off me. I know all the right things I should do but all I want so bad is someone to love and love me back it's such a strong feeling I can't shake off. I'm 34 and feel like a bit of a no hoper. If I take time away from dating I'll be even older and may miss out on someone special. Sorry this is all over the place but that's how I feel. I cried in traffic this morning at it all and just wanted to see what advice you may have even tho I already know as I read all threads here. Thanks

KikiDee

Hey OP,

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. My guess as to what working on yourself means would be to spend less time dating and more time working on who you are outside of your last relationship. People in general tend to lose a bit of their identities when in relationships because they merge with their partner. When those relationships end, we then get a feeling of being lost because that part of us is no longer there. Depending on how long the relationship was, we may forget who we were before we were with our ex's. That's why we need to take time to find out who we are and what we want. All this will help towards your next relationship in a positive way.

It's the most cliched thing in the world, being told to 'find yourself' and what not. I'm in a similarish situation as you and am currently at a stage where I still get lonely but I'm more comfortable with my own company now. You need to learn to be comfortable with you too. It's so so rewarding, I promise

I know it's a struggle but you have to remember, everyone, no matter who they are or what they have, have days where they struggle. You're not alone in that.

Also....the age thing? Please now!! You're 34. 30's are the new 20's don't you know??

SarahMollie

Yeah to echo the above, its really more important that you concentrate on developing an identity for yourself away from the dating scene first.

At the moment you just sound really vulnerable and likely to make bad decisions because of loneliness.

Also, it might be worth reaching out to old friends. Maybe some won't want to know if you didnt invest in the friendship during your marriage but a lot of people can be quite forgiving.

If you insist on persisting with online dating, maybe move away from Tinder. I myself met my BF on POF (this is before Tinder was a thing) but I liked it as I was able to select "looking for a relationship" so there was no ambiguity as to what youre looking for. I think the hook up culture is pervasive on Tinder, and you don't really sound like a hook up sort of guy.

Another one I've heard a lot about lately is Meetup.ie. It seems to be more about group outings of people with common interests. Maybe you could meet some friends there which might make the urge to date so soon after your marriage dissipate a little.

Magicmatilda

I also think you need to take a break from dating. You are only 34. There are plenty of 34 year old men out there who have not started the whole marriage/kids thing yet so there is no rush. You can meet the right person at any age. However I firmly believe you won't find a healthy relationship until you have a healthy relationship with yourself. From your posts its sounds like you are quite hard on yourself. You would benefit from learning to love yourself a little more. Then you wouldn't feel so lonely when you are alone. Why is your own company not good enough? This is what you should focus on figuring out. Try and build a new support network. Meetup.com is great, there are groups for all sorts of hobbies sports, arts, music gigs, everything. Most people go alone. It is a great site for people in your position of which there are many and many are older than you.

If you have no hobbies or interests then try everything out there to figure out what you like.

Also try, as someone suggested, connecting with old friends, from before the relationship.

Become the man you want to be and then you can meet the woman you want to meet. This is a great example for your kids also. It is not easy, it takes a lot of getting out of your comfort zone but it is worth it and might even be a bit exciting.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies,

Everything said makes complete sense I know this deep down but it's still that feeling I can't shake off. I have been to a few meetup groups from meetup.ie it was grand, alot of people would have known each other so naturally chatted away to themselves and I'd be a bit too shy to try and initiate conversation or butt in but the activity was good. Big problem I had was I walked in looking to see if there was any girls who caught my eye rather than thinking of friends that's my mindset that I need to change.
I did try reaching out to old friends more than once but only had a couple of close friends anyway but ones abroad another didn't reply etc, I've no issue with that I'll need to make new ones. I was always worried if I dated someone how to explain I've no friends if it ever came for her to meet them.
I know I need to find myself as the saying goes but don't know where to look or maybe I'm lookin too hard!

Kiki dee thanks for your kind words. I feel about 64 tho! Not sure 60s is the new 20s but appreciate you've been there and glad your enjoying your own company, I hope to get there soon too but it's all a bit blurry right now

Estrellita

My feeling is you have forgotten how to be single. Nothing out of the ordinary there, we feel like fish out of water after long relationships. You need to work on yourself first, and learn to be comfortable in your own skin again. May I suggest to you to start to work on your friends network first? You need to carve out a new life of your own. Become settled, happy and confident on your own.

Regarding these women that you are meeting with hangups about their exes. I'm sorry to say they aren't the only ones with issues. You are scurrying around trying to basically replace the ex-shaped hole in your life. You are crying in traffic because what you are doing isn't working. Slow down.

Now, you think that you are passed it or whatever purely because you've 2 kids and you were married before. Well meet your reverse. I've children for my ex husband, and I'm several years into a very happy relationship. I'm with a wonderful man, thanks be to God.

The kind of people that would turn you down based on a relationship that didn't work out, or the fact you have children - well they aren't worth your time. You will find someone new, but stop judging YOURSELF first.

I really hope you slow down and take stock of things. Rebuild your social life and take things from there. Best of luck in the future.

Daisy78

Estrellita wrote: »

The kind of people that would turn you down based on a relationship that didn't work out, or the fact you have children - well they aren't worth your time.

It will be an issue for a lot of women, particularly those who want to have their own children. Some women won't want a guy with kids but some will, you just have to find the ones who it wouldnt be an issue for. I'd agree that Tinder isn't doing you any favours. It is for the most part a hook up site, I think you might be meeting women who see you as a nice distraction for an evening or a couple of weeks but not a serious long term relationship. Some of the paid sites might be better. You can be upfront about your situation, and be clear that you are looking for a long term relationship. I would also seriously think about spending more time on yourself, take up some hobbies, get fit, take the time to develop your interests. You will be far more attractive to the right woman if you are a more well rounded guy rather than somebody who is desperate to get into a relationship just for the sale off it. Good luck!

njs030

Daisy78 wrote: »

It will be an issue for a lot of women, particularly those who want to have their own children.

Has Op said he didn't want any more children? I can't find that in his post unless I'm missing something.

Firstly Op you need to get problems with your ex sorted out first. When you start a new relationship it's not fair to be dragging baggage in with you and things like access, maintenance etc should be settled- as should your boundaries. It's much harder to deal with ex issues when there's a third person involved.

You will meet someone but not while you want them for the wrong reasons! Find out who you are first and what you have to offer

Estrellita

notjustsweet wrote: »

Has Op said he didn't want any more children? I can't find that in his post unless I'm missing something.

Thats what I figured. He's still young, nothing to stop them having their own.

Daisy78

Estrellita wrote: »

Thats what I figured. He's still young, nothing to stop them having their own.

Sorry should have been clearer, I meant they might not be comfortable being a stepmother to other peoples children. Nothing wrong with that! I guess its not for everyone but the point I was trying to make was that he should focus on the women who are interested, as one poster suggested some of the paid dating sites might be more suitable where he can be more explicit in what he is looking for.

LegacyUser

Thanks again,

Just to clear up maybe. I have no issue with someone who doesn't want to date a guy with kids but I feel it does limit my options.
It's been mentioned find who I am and I'll find someone. Find someone who likes a guy with kids or has no problem with it. Find someone who wants a relationship. If only find was so easy. I literally have no clue where to find these people. I tried tinder for a difference. In my experience of about the 50 girls I texted none wanted hook ups except one or two that asked straight out to meet for sex that night. I declined. I've only ever had one girlfriend and she ended up my wife despite it being completely wrong in hindsight. She asked me out I've never asked a girl out face to face only online and then I get nervous!
In relation to getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons, is wanting to meet someone and fall in love a bad reason?
My councillor speaks of people who find love in their 50s, all I can see is another 20 years of not having someone to love and never having sex again. I've never really had that so that's why it feels like I'm running out of time. I work hard and give my all for my kids now is it really that much to ask to finally fall in love?
The last girl I dated said she'd no trouble getting dates just staying with them. I was just envious she was able to get lots of dates. If I could date without online I would but I never have or been able to ask anyone out how do you do it?
I do genuinely understand the need to find myself if I want a healthy relationship but I still don't know how to or get rid of this desire to be with someone. I'm not looking for undying love on a first date just to meet someone nice and I'm attracted to. I won't make the same mistake I made wit my ex, I've rejected girls from tinder that I just didn't click with.
And also I'm 100% over my ex after all that's happened I feel nothing for her.

batmanrobin

balski wrote: »

I do genuinely understand the need to find myself if I want a healthy relationship but I still don't know how to or get rid of this desire to be with someone.

It's a bit of a catch-22. As soon as you release that desire to find someone, the odds of you finding someone dramatically increase, but you need to find someone before you can let go of the desire!

I don't know if the following will be of any help to you. I've recently decided to take a break from all things dating and men related. I've been alone (other than a few disasters!) for most of my life. I am 100% comfortable with my solitude, I'm used to it, but I'm not happy - with it and mainly with myself. I tried last year to take a break from dating, but I didn't really work on myself during that time.

I decided this time that I need to do things differently. I'm going completely cold turkey. I mean I'm not even checking men out (it's tough!). I've been at it two weeks now and it is hard and I do get pangs when I see couples together and wonder if it will ever happen for me. But, I am starting to feel the benefit. For the first time in my life I'm living for me. I'm actually getting in tune with who I am. It's early stages but I'm starting to feel happier in myself.

I've removed every single expectation of meeting someone. I'm just focused on myself now. I'm going to try and fall in love with myself (corny as that may sound).

I'm not doing this with the hope that once I've "fixed" myself the right person will come along. I'm doing it because I want to be happy with myself. I might never meet someone, but I've got myself forever! I have to be okay with me.

Try and be happy by yourself, OP. I don't mean just paying lip service to the idea, but really trying. It will make such a difference to your overall happiness. That way, if someone comes along, they'll be an addition to your life, but they won't be the reason for it.

LegacyUser

batmanrobin wrote: »

It's a bit of a catch-22. As soon as you release that desire to find someone, the odds of you finding someone dramatically increase, but you need to find someone before you can let go of the desire!

Thanks. Your post has been most helpful. Re the above I never worked out how that works! I was single for years not looking for anyone and still nobody came knocking! How can you find something if your not looking and it is tough. I would find it tough not to check women out but I guess your point is its like giving up drink or going on a diet it's hard bloody work!

It's nice to hear people who are in a similar place so I do appreciate your time to reply.