Girlfriend doesn't know what she wants, I'm feeling lost

theskyisblue

Hi I'm 27 and girlfriend is 23. When we started going out in summer 2011, she said she'd no interest in one night stands as she felt crap the next day and wanted a boyfriend. We've always got on despite the amount of crap we've had to deal with. The first 18 months were great, eating out a few times a week, going to pubs, hanging out a lot and having great sex, going to cinema, adventure parks etc

About 18 months into the relationship, she got quiet sick and couldn't do the normal things we took for granted. Her friends and even family members began to ditch and feel unwelcome (she had ****ty family members anyway). Over a year later she had surgery, but couldnt touch alcohol, meat and certain foods, she wasnt able to walk as much, even a small rollercoaster messed her up on holidays. Sex was less frequent as out of know where she'd get in pain. She became worried about even leaving the house or doing anything because of random swvere pains.

About 4 months ago, we finally saw an improvement despite the surgery being in early 2014. She could eat a better variety of foods out, drink a little a just be out and about without worrying so much. Sex slowly got better.

About a month ago she started working parttime again for the first time in over 2 years. It built her confidence and she keeps getting better. The sex in the last 2 weeks is unreal I mean the best ever with her or anyone else, we can party again pretty much do whatever.

Then the other night she dropped a bombshell. She said she feels shes missed out on sleeping around. She had a few one nighters but always said up until recently that they were crap and she preferred a boyfriend. I said its either be with only me or we need to split and go our seperate ways. She also said she wants to do loads of drugs or just anything to escape what happened the last few years. She said since shes talked to me about it, she feels differently and doesnt have them desires anymore.

She brought it up with her councellor who said she needs to make more friends and not be so dependent on me. She has no friends and that effects her I know. I used to get my friends round to our house with their girlfriends hoping she could become friends with some, but they don't really have much in common.

I felt let down when she dropped this on me the other night. I stayed with her throughout everything when everyone else left. That sounds selfish since she went through alot more but ....... i dont know what to think

Is her counselor right? Should I forget the conversation or is she going to do something beind my back. Keep in mind, she can't keep a secret to save her life so if she did something, I wold more than likely know. Any advice, my head is a little all over the place.

magneticimpulse

What do you want from this relationship? Where do you see it going? Marriage? Your gf has been with you since she was 18/19. It could work out long term - but it seems like she does want to meet someone else by coming out with statements such as wanting to sleep with someone else. If she was happy in the relationship, i dont think she would ever come out with such a statement.

Do you want to continue in a relationship in which she might have the same feelings in 10 years time and split up then when you are 37?

You need to ask her does she see herself with you long term, otherwise its best to move on.

beks101

It sounds like she has been through quite a bit with the illness and is getting a new lease of life now that she has recovered and regained her energy.

She's also quite young and you got together when she was a teenager - 18? Likely her friends/peers will be out pubbing and clubbing and meeting new men etc and she feels like she wants to experience the same, as her social life was so restricted for so long.

I'm not sure if it spells the end for your relationship. Perhaps she's confusing a general ennui with her current lifestyle and routine - where it sounds like you are the only person in her life - for relationship boredom. Maybe she just needs some hobbies and friends of her own. It's really something she needs to figure out with her counselor and something you need to talk about together.

theskyisblue

things have gotten a bit clearer, should have mentioned in the post she had a cancer scare and this week found out everything was ok. It was 3 days before the results that she had said all this, now she said she's sorry and was just panicking and trying to get away from the worry of sickness.

She definitely does need hobbies but shes scared of trying new things due to the fear of her painful attacks coming back. She is going back to college in september (she had to quit due to pain) so hopefully she'll make new friends that wont ditch her next time something goes bad.

She always has talked about kids and marriage but it stopped about a month ago, but today it town she started talking about kids again after seeing alot of babies.

I just don't know what to think at the moment, its 2 extremes, but I think I'll see how the next couple of months ago ..........

Irish_Elect_Eng

You have both been through a lot.

You seem to be a good guy and have the best for your GF at heart.
Keep that up and foster good communications and you will not go far wrong.

Best of Luck for the future.

pookie82

Can I just say, as someone who went through a period of long term, chronic (not life threatening) illness at one stage in my life, when you experience illness like that, which incapacitates you, separates you from family, friends and outings, and really "robs" some of your life, you can feel very differently once it's been cured.

It's very common for a long term illness to really only "hit" you mentally once it's over. It's when you're better and all is well again that the emotional fallout arrives, as strange and infuriating as that is. I think maybe your brain waits until you've gotten through the physical nightmare to land the emotional one on you. It could be affiliated with something like post traumatic stress, maybe?

Either way, I think she needs to do more work with her counsellor, would you guys consider a joint session where you both get a pedestal for a few minutes to air each side? I don't blame you for panicking but I wouldn't be throwing in the towel just yet.

Maybe finally being healthy again is making her want to explore every option life has to offer, including new and various partners.
Or maybe she's struggling with her frame of mind and is overreacting to the fact that the illness has passed and jumping the gun based on initial feelings and not on what she truly wants long term.

I think you guys should talk it out professionally.

theskyisblue

thanks pookie82, despite being around someone who's sick the whole time, its still difficult to know what they are going through. You can see the physical and emotional pain but not the mental part as such. She used to constantly blame herself and say she deserved it which was horrible.

We have being getting on great in the last few days, I think the cancer scare was just a little too much to handle on top of everything else.

We are very open with one another, maybe a little too open and as a result everything comes out.

Her counselor is working on family issues at the moment but spoke with me briefly on Monday. She says its more to do with the lack of freedom the illness gave her and the possibilty of going through cancer. She doesnt see a need to dwell on this or break-up.

She has never touched drugs and is completely against them due to the harm caused to some people she knew including an primary school friend who died of an overdose a little over a year ago. So it was odd when that came out in the same sentence as the one night stands.