Letting the past go...

airportgirl83

I've been dating a wonderful guy for few months now. We get on really well and enjoy each others company a lot. There is a spark and passion that you would want in any new relationship but there is also something that casts a shadow over it - he is best friends with his ex.

I do trust my boyfriend. He assured me that he has no feelings for her, that it's all in the past. I've never been a jealous type and I'm not interested in micro managing friendships, however, I sometimes wonder:

How close should we be with our exes as friends that is respectful to our new partners?

Would you rather stop seeing someone so involved with their ex even if they were just friends?

Would you talk about establishing some boundaries?

H3llR4iser

Oh my, that's a though one. One of my closest, if not the closest (except for ex-girlfriends, she's the person who knows the most about the "non public" me) friends is indeed a woman. It's important to clarify that we never dated, never slept together, met through work and have been friends for about 10 years now. We also happen to have been living in different countries for years now - about 2000 km apart.

Yet, it has proved to be an issue with at least a couple of partners - they were initially fine or pretended so, only to lash into bitter fits of jealousy over the smallest and most insignificant things. She had her troubles, her current boyfriend of four years seems to be ok - probably in no small part due to the fact I used to know him as well before they became a couple. So theoretically, I'd be the best person to tell you "don't worry, it's fine!", but I understand your preoccupation.

It is undeniable there's a lot of history between these two (and that's where his situation differs from mine the most); Plus the "living together", even in a shared accommodation with other people, sounds a bit odd. I may be going on a wild goose chase here, but I would expect it not to be the most comfortable situation when he brings you there for the night, or she has her new boyfriend/fling over.

Anyhow I wouldn't dismiss your concern, especially because it's something that clearly bothers you and I can tell, from experience, that this feeling will come back to bite you in one way or the other. It might be a very difficult thing to do, but if I was in your place, I'd try to find a delicate, non confrontational way to ask him about his position in regards of his ex. That's just what I would do.

What I can warmly suggest, is not to put out ultimatums - like "move from there or..." or "choose me or her" and the likes.

airportgirl83

Thank you for your reply.

I don't think I have an issue with people being friends with their exes even though it's not something I do myself.

What bothers me is the amount of contact that these two have. I feel like what they had/have is constantly shoved into my face. I might be worried that I'm investing my feelings and time in someone who might not be 100% emotionally available.

I talked about all above with my boyfriend in a non confrontational way, how this situation makes me feel but nothing has changed. He is not going to cut her out of his life and I don't really want him to do that as I know he's happy having her as a friend and I truly want him to be happy...he's a good guy.

There is no problem me staying over in his apartment; I met the ex, I'm nice to her, he doesn't keep our relationship as a secret from friends or family. As much as I would love for him to move out, I don't think it's an option due to financial reasons.

Should I try to get to know the girl?

H3llR4iser

Probably, getting to know her is a good way to understand more about what's going on; There is a whole spectrum of possibilities, from them just being friends who happen to share an apartment to save money, to one of the two still "clinging on" to whatever is left (as you put in way more elegant words).

I'm curious - does she currently see anybody? And if she did, would it make you feel a bit better? Sounds silly, but it really isn't.

Again, they seem to be very open about whatever they share/shared with you, but obviously you can't be held at fault for being a bit perplexed.

Mars Bar

Mod

Hi OP

I've moved this thread to the more appropriate Relationship Issues forum. Please be aware that the R.I charter is now in effect.

Mars Bar

airportgirl83

She is single, trying to meet someone nice for months now without any success. I think my boyfriend is concerned about her wellbeing, he often lifts her spirit when she feels unattractive and insecure about not being able to find a guy. He strongly encourages her to try online dating and wants her to be in a happy relationship.

Yes, I think I would feel better if she was seeing someone.

I'm worried that my concerns might sabotage what we have or might have...I really don't want this to happen.

CaraMay

Op were they living together before you met him? If so then my thinking wiuld be that they had plenty of opportunities to get together if they wanted. It is quite a weird set up though

airportgirl83

They were they living together before I met him.