Alcoholic Father, Have Not seen for years, In Hospital..

oB1

Hi All,

I have just got the news that my Father, who i have not seen for many years, who was an alcoholic at the time that i remember him in my life ( i was a young child ) is in hospital with Severe Pneumonia, he is in Intensive Care.

I honestly dont know how to take this information, nor do i know what to do now.. i feel burdened to act, but yet again, i have not seen him for many many years. Even at that, he was the cause of a lot of problems when i was a child. He and my Mother are divorced, and he was abusive as far as i remember.

Feeling oddly emotionally about it all, considering he is my biological father and all that.

anyone got experience with this one before?

should i visit in hospital.. should i ring hospital.. should i try to do anything?

feeling i might regret this later in life if something where to happen....

thanks in advance

intheclouds

I was estranged from my alcoholic father and co-dependent mother before they both died in an accident caused by his drinking.

I have never regretted it. I had for many years before their passing mourned the fact that the relationship with both my parents was dead and that it was the alcoholism that killed it. I had already accepted that they might die but that I would never be getting in contact again anyway. (btw it took years of therapy to get to that point!!)

For you, if you are feeling emotional and unsure about it then perhaps you should contact the hospital or visit. There will be no other chances after he dies.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this, it would help you to discuss your feelings with someone.

Chemical Byrne

Don't feel bad. This is the life he chose for himself and this is what happens with that life path.

From what I read, he was a negative in your life.

Ursus Horribilis

oB1 wrote: »

Feeling I might regret this later in life if something were to happen....

Therein lies your answer I feel. He might be the worst parent in the world but human emotions are a funny thing. I think if you're worried you'll regret not visiting in later life, visiting him would be a good idea. Do you have anyone who can come with you? It's likely to be an emotional time for you.

sozbox

oB1 wrote: »

Hi All,

I have just got the news that my Father, who i have not seen for many years, who was an alcoholic at the time that i remember him in my life ( i was a young child ) is in hospital with Severe Pneumonia, he is in Intensive Care.

I honestly dont know how to take this information, nor do i know what to do now.. i feel burdened to act, but yet again, i have not seen him for many many years. Even at that, he was the cause of a lot of problems when i was a child. He and my Mother are divorced, and he was abusive as far as i remember.

Feeling oddly emotionally about it all, considering he is my biological father and all that.

anyone got experience with this one before?

should i visit in hospital.. should i ring hospital.. should i try to do anything?

feeling i might regret this later in life if something where to happen....

thanks in advance

If the situation were reversed do you think he would visit you?

oB1

sozbox wrote: »

If the situation were reversed do you think he would visit you?

I don't really know him as a person so how can I answer that ?

soccercrew

Your situation is one your going to regret for the rest of your life or be happy you did what you choosen. It's a decision only you can make. Me, I hadn't spoken to my grandmother for 20 years because of a bad family situation. A week before she died, I was told she has a few weeks to live and I made the decision to go see her. I never left her bedside for 7 days and I'm glad I went to see her. I got to speak to her briefly and she went down hill from then until the day she died I was there the whole time until half hour before she died I left to get some rest and cleaned up properly. No sooner than I was in bed, I got the phone call she passed. If I hadn't have went, I'd have regretted it. I think you will to. At the end of the day , it's very close blood of yours and no one can break that. So what if there's been troubled times. At the end of the day, you wouldn't be here without him and if this is his last few days on earth, I think you should go see him. That's all my own opinion though.

molly09

I feel for you op, you might regret not going but you will most likely not regret going.

Lady is a tramp

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Don't feel bad. This is the life he chose for himself and this is what happens with that life path.

Very few alcoholics choose to be that way. Speaking as an alcoholic parent myself (now in recovery.)

OP if I were you, I'd get in contact with him. Maybe he'll turn out to be an abusive asshole even without alcohol - but at least then you'll know, you'll have made the effort ... I think you may end up regretting it if you don't at least try.

sullivlo

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Don't feel bad. This is the life he chose for himself and this is what happens with that life path.

From what I read, he was a negative in your life.

:rolleyes: ignorant response. Alcoholism is an illness, not a life choice.

OP - I really feel for you. I had a friend go through something similar before. Ultimately it comes down to being able to live with your decision. It may not be a cathartic meeting. It may make things worse. But it also may give you closure on the situation.

If I were you I would go, but I totally understand your viewpoint if you choose not to go.

Also, sorry to hear of your dads illness. The next few weeks / months could be rough on you. Take care of yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

sozbox wrote: »

If the situation were reversed do you think he would visit you?

I don't think this logic applies here in this case. It doesn't really matter whether the father would go see our OP or not. He/she has said "Feeling oddly emotionally about it all, considering he is my biological father and all that" and "feeling I might regret this later in life if something were to happen...."

To me, those two statements are enough to turn a black and white situation into one that's murky and grey. The OP hasn't said the father is dead to him/her or anything as strong as that. So for that reason, I think it'd be wise to err on the side of caution and go see him.

If my absent alcoholic father was in hospital with pneumonia, I wouldn't go to see him.
I don't hate him, I do feel sorry for him that he fecked up his life (& other people's) but I just don't really care.
If he died I know I wouldn't regret not going.

You don't seem so sure. When did you see him last? Who told you he was in hospital? Is there a chance he will be OK? Maybe he won't die, has he asked to see you?
I know if mine asked to see me, I would probably feel a small bit of guilt, but I'd still be happy not going. I did plenty of guilt when I was younger, thanks to him.

oB1

Thank you all for your diverse, thoughtful and kind responses and opinions.

I was going to individually quote the replies but it's easier to just "reply all".

As a bit of additional information:

I'm 24 years old, my father is 57. I have not seen him in almost 10 years. The time that I seen him 10 years ago was only for a short time and before that I was only a young kid, probably around 6, the last time he was in my life.

I do have some (literally one or two) positive memories of him but the negative and abusive ones are much more.

I remember him on several occasions falling up the stairs and bursting his nose, the landing covered in blood from it and me, as a 5 year old finding him passed out when I'd go to the bathroom.

I remember him driving my sister and me while he was drunk to the offlicence to get more whiskey.

I remember the arguments he'd have with my mother that would end in ornaments and household objects being smashed around the place.

There is also another thing, to which I only recently found out, there was an occasion where he was apperently "innappropiate" with my sister ( I presume I need to say no more) - his past (before meeting my mother) also is questionable on this topic.

After he left us, he left my mother with a huge mortgage and two young kids to raise by herself. He put us through hardship for many years.

As previously mentioned, my memories as a child growing up are few and sporadic, I do remember some key moments but I can only assume/hope nothing was ever done to me, physically or otherwise at his hands.
My mother doesn't like to talk about him much.


My Mother heard via my fathers Sister, who we lost contact with also for many years, that he was in hospital in intensive care, she didn't go in to detail at all.

To clear things up, I rang the hospital today where he is at, spoke with the nurse manager, she told me that it's pretty serious and that he's not responding to the medication. He is also non responsive, i.e. Is asleep and has been since being brought in.

I had hoped that a nights sleep would help me clarify the situation in my own head but I still feel the same as I did yesterday.

In a strange way, I feel I have grown and learnt from his situation, as in, I never want to be like him, especially when I have my own family some day.

The Christian thing would be to go see him, for closure I guess.

I'll keep this thread up to date what I decide and what happens in the end.

The tough thing is that it looks like im doing this alone

Thanks again

armaghlad

I hope you go and see him. I've seen what alcoholism does to families, it tears them apart. But him seeing you (if he wakes up) might mean a whole lot more to him than it means to you.

armaghlad

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Don't feel bad. This is the life he chose for himself and this is what happens with that life path.

From what I read, he was a negative in your life.

Reprehensible and insensitive comment. People don't choose to be addicted <Mod Snip>.

eviltwin

I don't know what you should do, only you can decide what is best. What I will say is whatever you choose, do it because it's right for you, not him.

Taltos

Mod Note
Hi armaghlad - welcome to PI/RI.
Please note this is a strictly moderated forum so take some time now to read our charter. Insulting other posters here is not acceptable. Remember attack the post not the poster.

armaghlad

Taltos wrote: »

Mod Note
Hi armaghlad - welcome to PI/RI.
Please note this is a strictly moderated forum so take some time now to read our charter. Insulting other posters here is not acceptable. Remember attack the post not the poster.

Soz Taltos. Something I feel strongly about.

armaghlad

armaghlad wrote: »

I hope you go and see him. I've seen what alcoholism does to families, it tears them apart. But him seeing you (if he wakes up) might mean a whole lot more to him than it means to you.

I've seen what it does too OP, from your side.
Do not feel pressured into going & seeing him.

Do whatever you want, he may not even care whether you go or not.

I'd discuss it with your sister if I was you, I presume you are closer to her than him.
Do not feel bad, whatever you decide. Not one bit of this is your fault, and you do not need to put it right.

Ursus Horribilis

Thanks for the extra information. What he put you all through is far worse than what I'd thought. What an appalling excuse for a human being he is. Really, whether you visit or don't visit, you wont be doing the wrong thing. Does it make any difference to you that he's unconscious? In other words, if you decide to visit, that he's unlikely to know you were in the room? It'd save you having to have an awkward conversation with someone you don't know any more.

Sometimes it can be very hard to interpret what your gut is telling you. As things stand, you've not seen him in years and he's not a part of your life. If you don't visit him and he dies, it's not going to make any material difference to your life. So why are you haunted by this? Do you feel you should see him out of duty? Or is there something else going on? Even though he is a dreadful man who did awful things, he is still your father. You may be finding that you feel more of an attachment to him (or the idea of him) than you thought you were. I wonder would this work? Get a coin and have Visit as Heads and Don't Visit as Harps. Visualise yourself as going or not going based on what comes up. Then flip it. How do you feel about the answer?

intheclouds

Ask yourself what it is you would hope to get out of it if you did go to see him.

Why would you want to see him at all?

What do you think you would regret by not going to see him?

ahnow

It's a tough situation to be in, and i don't envy you, but your second post implies that he abused your sister sexually. Before reading that I probably would have said to see how you feel and weigh up if you would feel better about going to see him, and go from there. But after reading that, perhaps you might consider how your sister would feel about you going to see her abuser. I know from my own point of view, family members of mine went to my abusers funeral, and visited him before he died, and it was like a complete betrayal because they were able to put aside the act of the abuse whereas I would never be able to.

Although this is very common, it can be very difficult for someone who has been a victim of sexual abuse to reconsile that their loved ones are able to put aside that the person is an abuser.

Just another point of view, but you could end up deeply hurting your sister if you do go. You know the situation inside and out, so go from there. I am aware that you are a victim of his abuse too, and you want closure, which is completely understandable. I wanted to offer another perspective on the whole thing too.

Clampdown

I'm in a similar position OP. My alcoholic father abandoned me, my mother and my 2 little sisters when I was 13. He's now returned to the town we live in because he is dying. But he's still about the town, doing a wee pub crawl every day. He doesn't even recognize me or know who I am and he's passed inches from my face.

My sister has been to see him. She usually ends up very upset. I don't know why she does it but it's her choice. I have no desire to. The man was never there for me when I needed him so I won't be going near him or going to his funeral. I have made up my mind and I am aware I may regret it at some stage but really, as many posters have said, it's up to you and you alone.

I've sought the advice of other, elder people. Some say I should speak to him before he dies, others say you're better off not to. The ones that say the latter also tend to be the ones that I agree with on other things while those that say the former are usually the type that go along with whatever authority figures tell them so I think I made the right choice for me.

I think either way you will be upset when he passes. For me I always desperately wanted a father figure and I think my life was deeply affected by the lack of one and I can't bear to face the person who abandoned me so coldly.

I saw a fb meme the other day (I know, I know but I kinda liked this one) and it said something about forgiving someone who wasn't sorry and never apologized and how much strength it took. I guess I agree but sometimes you just have to say to hell with you, pal, and focus on something else lest your negative thoughts snowball in your head.

valoren

I guess is that there is no expectation on either you or your mother to visit. You were simply kept abreast of the situation by your estranged Aunt i.e. you wouldn't want to learn of you father's passing from the paper or a mutual friend.

If he regains consciousness, then that's great but I would only consider going to visit if he specifically asked to see you. To me it would be pandering to visit just because he's your father.

Particularly when we take into account his long history of neglect/abuse, then there is no fathomable reason why he deserves your visit. I would only go if my presence was requested.

As he is unconcious then that decision is up to you. I don't see what visiting would accomplish for you considering he is unresponsive. I assume his Sister would be there and as she was estranged from you all too, then that could make for an awkward visit.

Whattimeisit

OP I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment. It's an incredibly tough situation and a difficult decision to make. I can totally understand why you might not want to go, I would be the same, however I'm afraid it might be something that niggles away at you for the rest of your life if you don't.

Tbh I'm not sure you're going to get closure from visiting him but at least you'll know, no matter what happens I think you'll regret going far less than you'd regret not going in the long run.

No matter what you decide do it for yourself and not out of a sense of obligation to your father. You don't owe him anything, the only reason I would even suggest going is so that you would have no regrets yourself. Regardless take care of yourself, I hope things get better for you

oB1

Hi All,

thanks again to all of those supportive comments and suggestions made above, as i said before i wont quote them all individually as there are too many but i have read each and every one of them, so thanks again.

A bit of an update:

After taking everything in to consideration and reading all of your comments and suggestions, i decided after many days of deliberation that i would go and see him.

So i did, last night.

It genuinely was one of the toughest things i have ever had to do in my lifetime. The emotions that all came flying back in my face as soon as i entered the hospital doors where really surreal and very surprising, i.e i thought i had long since forgot them or moved past them. I immediately became an emotional wreck.

He was laying there in an induced coma hooked up to dozens of machines and a ventilator doing is breathing for him. It was totally a one-way experience, as in, it was just me looking at him in the bed, he had no idea i was even there.

I spoke to the doctors at length about his situation. It's basically 50/50 and only time will tell what will happen.

I'm sad. I'm Angry. I'm Confused. I have a ton of questions.. dont know why.. dont know how to feel.. still..

I'm sad and angry that i didnt (really) have a Dad growing up. I'm sad i missed out on all of the father/son things over the years.. im sad for him and for his situation.. he looks so helpless in the bed.. at the end of the day he is a human being at as a very compassionate and sensitive person that i am, i do feel sorry for him. In a way i blame myself that i didnt help him more over the years, i.e. for him in to treatment.. but, i guess i shouldnt do that..

That all said, i do still hold a lot of anger towards him as well, that has definitely not gone away.

I didn't think going to see him would impact me as much as it did, but it really has..

i dont regret going, but now its opened a whole other set of emotions and problems to deal with

i'll keep you all posted..

cheers again

seamus

As hard as this seems right now, this is a positive for you. These emotions didn't appear overnight, it's likely been something that's been pushed to the back of your mind for years.

Far harder would be dealing with this in ten years' time, perhaps when you have your own child, struggling with these emotions suddenly coming to the surface except that your father is gone completely and you have no way to resolve it with him.

Even now though he may not be responsive, there is a living human being there with whom you can converse to try and resolve these emotions.

Best of luck. This is a difficult time for you, but don't think you have to deal with this alone. If you have no siblings you can talk it through with, don't be afraid to go talk to a counsellor.