emigrating while family member is ill

LegacyUser

I am in a long distance relationship but there is a possibility I can get a job and be able to move to the same country. It's what we hoped for, to both have jobs in our profession and be able to live together. Long distance is getting frustrating as we are in our 30's and quite serious.

But I have a guilty feeling should I get the job, because a parent is seriously ill and might not make it another year. I feel like I am abandoning them although I do have siblings who will still be with them.

I'm torn as to what to do. Any advice? thanks

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am sorry for your parent who is ill. My advice to you would be to put it off emigrating and stay by to care for your sick parent. You will be able to get a job quite easily now in Ireland as the economy is improving. If your caring for your sick parent you should look for part time work as that way then you can stay at home to look after your sick parent.
I know its a tough decision to make but if I were you I would stay and look after them and make the most of the time you have left with them. Also if they only have a certain amount of time left you will also have to plan their funeral and help cover the cost of funeral expenses etc.
Best of Luck

LegacyUser

What a horrible dilemma this is. I was faced with a choice like this, though minus the partner abroad complication. I decided to stay and don't regret it. I got to spend lots of time with my mother and when she finally died I had no regrets. It had nothing to do with how many brothers and sisters I have or abandoning her. I couldn't face the thoughts of getting on a plane in Dublin airport and wondering would that be the last time I saw her alive. I didn't want to be boarding a plane and coming home to a funeral.

For you it's different. If your parent is like most parents, they'll not want you to put your future on hold for them. Technically that's right. Your parent may be gone in a year's time yet you still have the rest of your life to sort out.

I don't want to suggest you stay or go. I think it's something that's individual to everyone. Do you think you'll have regrets if your parent dies and you haven't seen them for months. Try to calculate that and see if that guides you?

CaraMay

I agree that you should stay. You will never have this time back. Can your partner not move home for a while

12Phase

I had a similar issue myself and sadly it showed my now ex's true colours. They wanted me to cut all ties and used the sick parent as a test of my loyalty to them or my family!

Neyite

I'm on the fence here. I've seen it play out with both scenarios.

On one hand, a loving parent would not want you to put your life on hold for them but I understand your need to be there nearing the end for them or to support their carer.

I think the decision for me would hinge on where your destination country is, and could you come home on a regular basis, or in the event of an emergency. You say its a year they have left, but what do you with your plans do if that stretches into 3 or 5 years instead of one?

Having said that though, you'd be a new probationary employee in a foreign country and possibly not eligible for any social welfare safety net if you lost your job due to coming home for your parent's illness. Sad to say, towards the end, its common to get a couple of false alarms and all the family fly home only for the patient to perk up again) so in that sense it might be a risk.

Have you discussed your travel plans with your sick parent? Some people have very set preferences of how they'd like to go. Some want to be surrounded by their loved ones, others prefer to slip off alone and not have their family see their suffering or struggling at the end.

I don't think that anyone can tell you which way to choose. I will say this though - if you both have said all the things that needed to be said by the end, and you know you were loved and have loved, when they do go, whether you are there by their side, or the other side of the world, that's all that matters in the end. When someone close to me died, some of us were unavoidably absent, some of us were there at the end. All of us grieved the same pain.

Rubberchikken

i'm sorry to read that you're going through such a dilemma.
most parents want what is best for their child and would not stand in the way of them achieving their goals.
it's not a decision anyone can make for you, so maybe discussing it with your partner and even your parent (if possible) might help you decide.

best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you all for your well wishes. I'm not actually the carer as my mother is in full time care hospital.

I work full time the other side of the country. The new position would be a promotion for me. And it would be a 40 minute flight (london) so I'd probably see my parents the same amount of times as I do now.

My girlfriend has tried to get work here but wasn't successful. She has moved to the UK from much further away so one of my pro's was that i needed to do my bit.

Today my mother does know and has asked me not to go.

CaraMay

Well I don't think you can go when your mum has asked you not so. Sorry op it's very tough but you only get one mum. Is your gf putting pressure on you?

Eimee90

I personally wouldn't go, but again it's your life and your decision. For me , the bond between myself and my family is very strong. Id never forgive myself. I'm imagining your mother maybe is scared.

Oryx

The decision isnt yours anymore, its your mums. Because she has asked you not to go. So if you do, it will be with a burden of guilt that you may never get rid of.

Its sad and unfair, but only go if you think you can live with the decision after your mother is gone.

geldings

London is so close - and in a pinch you can travel home very cheaply by bus if you had to. If you can explain to your mum that you will see her every bit as often as you do now, maybe she can rationalise it from that front and accept it? Or do you see her all the time at the mo and she takes that for granted, perhaps?

Otoh London is always going to be there.. how does your gf feel about another year apart? Is this potential job really good that it wont be on offer in another 6 months or a year?

Fr D Maugire

Was in a similar situation a few years. Had been looking to go abroad to work and got a job in Spain. At the same time, my father was diagnosed with cancer and had to start chemo.

I was really split on what to do as the doctors thought the chemo would work. I just asked my parents what they wanted me to do, stay or go. They said I should go and I did, even though I felt a bit guilty.

The job didnt work out and only lasted 4 months. Unfortunately there were complications in my fathers treatment and he had to stop chemo. I was happy that I returned home because he died 8 months later.

Normally I would say go with your parents wishes but it is a very tough decision as London is not far away and you have siblings at home, I did not and knew they were relying on me(parents and siblings).

jaykay74

stayorgo2 wrote:

I work full time the other side of the country. The new position would be a promotion for me. And it would be a 40 minute flight (london) so I'd probably see my parents the same amount of times as I do now.

If the travel time is equivalent then surely leaving for London is the best option.

Redpunto

Even thou London is only a 40 minute flight it doesn't mean that the OP can get home in 40 mins. What if his mum deteriorated quickly at least you know u can get home fast if still in Ireland.

beks101

Common misconception about London is that it's "a 40 min flight away" and that's as far as the hassle of getting home goes.

Depending on where you live in London it can take you two hours to get to an airport and that's before you account for traffic delays and the chaos of passing through the city. (I write this during a 2+ hour bus journey through the city because of a crash ahead - another day in London)Then sitting around at the airport, flight delays, travelling home from the other side. I'm from Galway and it takes me a long exhausting day to get home and it's not something I could do twice a month, on top of an already stressful job and travel costs and what have you.

So yes, it's a short flight, but you would very much be living in a different country OP and honouring your commitment to travel back several times a month could prove quite stressful.

Only you can decide this one though.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your replies and your advice. I have spoken with some of my siblings about moving and have since got a job offer which is a very positive step up for me.

My siblings have been very supportive of the move and I have accepted it and will be moving in the next month.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for the advice everyone. I wanted to update you on the subject.
I got a very good job offer in London, a step I'm not ever likely to get I'm Ireland and it has the prospect of more progression in the future.

I spoke with some siblings and they have been very encouraging so I have accepted the offer and will be moving shortly.

It's a perfect opportunity career wise, seperate to being with my girlfriend and being able to plan for a future.

Thanks again