Different backgrounds. Is it a problem?

LegacyUser

I'm in my early 30s and with my boyfriend whose 28 about 8 months and it's all going well, he's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful and funny guy I've ever met.

We're at the stage where we're talking about moving in together, trips abroad, talking about the future etc. However, there's something I can't exactly talk about with ANYONE and that's on my mind and I'd love some impartial advice (not abuse please, i'm aware of how it will sound)

I grew up in a very privileged household, both parents working professionals and did well for themselves, big house, lots of trips abroad, hobbies, parents put us all through education etc. Wider family circle of lawyers, teachers, accountants etc. My bf is from a more working class background, grew up in a rough area, parents never owned a house and had no money, squandered any money they did have, bf got involved with the wrong crowd as a teenager and got in trouble with the police etc.

Now at 28 he's been through college and has a decent job but is terrible with money, some of his mates engaged in dodgy activities, generally rough around the edges.

I love this man so much, he makes me smile and laugh every day and absolutely adores me and never fails to tell me so. But I worry about our future, especially given my age and the things I'd like to achieve in the coming years. I want the house, the marriage, the kids etc. I want a comfortable life. I'd make a fair bit more than my bf, though he's constantly upskilling so that gap will probably narrow in the coming years. I'm worried though about how our backgrounds will mix and if any of the things I want will be possible and I'm worried about moving in together and the sh1t hitting the fan for all of these reasons.

We had a bit of a wobbly last night, a few of these things came out, we nearly broke up, but in the end the thought of it just seemed so ridiculous and so inconceivable to both of us so we made up and all is seemingly rosy now. Except for these private concerns of mine.

I don't know if they are legitimate and if they are even things to worry about or if I'm being a complete over-analysing commitmentphobe or something based on passed experiences. Maybe an important piece of background is I've not had great luck with men over the years, lots of short-term things and flings etc and this would be my first proper relationship, so maybe that's making me freak out more than I should be.

Any advice or words of wisdom from anyone whose been in the same situation etc would really be appreciated. Head is a bit of a mess at the moment.

uck51js9zml2yt

I think you're first paragraph says it all
It's all going well, he's the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful and funny guy I've ever met."

You're probably over analysing it. Enjoy it for what it is and see where life leads you both.

eviltwin

It's only a problem if you make it a problem. It's not his fault he's from a less well off background than you. You can't judge him for that. If you have concerns about his future abilities you have to seperate them from his past. He doesn't seem to be a waster, he's trying to better himself. Talk to him about his relationship with money but leave his background out of it. He can't help that and it's not relevant. If he makes you happy and you're both on the same page that should be all that matters.

CaraMay

Does he have a criminal records and if so will that limit where you can travel to and what he can work at? Is he still friendly with criminal friends? These two would be big red flags for me.

stove

OP, as you have probably experienced in life so far the best of people can come from the roughest of areas and the worst of people can come from the best of areas.

However I do think that two of your concerns are legitimate:

Firstly, when it comes to a life together and raising kids then it does help if both partners are on the same page when it comes to finances, I think. Stressful enough when both are on the same page not to mention when one is maybe less careful or even reckless.

Secondly, hanging around with people who are rough around the edges or somewhat dodgy is a red flag for most law abiding people I'd say. It does depend on how friendly he is with them of course but a flag none the less.

No harm taking things slowly for a while until things become clearer in your own mind. Either by coming to some conclusions yourself or else with the help of someone you trust or a counsellor maybe if you don't have someone to talk to.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice. It's helpful to even put this in writing as it feels so taboo and like something I can't talk to anyone about in the real world.

He's mentioned some stories about being arrested a few times as a teenager, got into a few fights and things like that, no convictions though as far as I'm aware and it's all very far in the past.

I haven't met many of his friends outside of the ones I know from work (we worked together previously but I've started in a new job the passed few months), I get the impression they're rough around the edges, but he's not hanging out with criminals or anything. The ones he mentions are mostly married or coupled up with a few kids, working in trades etc. He spends most of his spare time with me, his family or work people to be honest.

I guess the biggest thing is just the culture shock of his background - the other day we were reading the paper and he pointed at some fella who's on the run for drug offences and said 'I went out drinking with him once'. In comparison to my Pollyanna-style background it's just a shock that he'd even know someone like that. Mentioning things like fights he's been in in the past - it's just like a different language to my overly middle class upbringing.

I've met his parents and they're lovely, hardworking people and equally the few friends of mine he's met like him (I live abroad), he's very sociable etc. Finance-wise, early on he told me he has two separate bank accounts as he's so "bad with money" that he needs to control it in some way. One he gets paid into and can only access by physically walking into the bank - where he'll transfer varying amounts into the other account which he can access. So it's something he's aware of and trying to change I guess, but I have noticed the end of the month comes and he's skint / we can't do certain things or I'm picking up the bill. He's very generous in a general sense so I don't mind - but it's something I worry about in a long-term sense. I'm a saver and that's a big priority to me. I wonder about how he'll ever be able to save enough to afford a mortgage deposit, a wedding etc when he's perpetually skint?

Still don't know if I'm freaking out unnecessarily, maybe there's reason to in certain areas. Generally I know he's a good guy, I've literally never been cared for or loved by a man in the way he does, he's attentive and loyal and maybe that's the bottom line. He often says that being with me galvinises him into action too in his career and with finances etc, I suppose I'd be quite ambitious and have done well there. I just wonder if we're on the same level and don't want to grow resentful of him down the line because that wouldn't be fair on either of us.

I do love him, I know that much, but is love enough?

Appreciate the advice and insight

strandroad

differentbackgrounds wrote: »

Now at 28 he's been through college and has a decent job but is terrible with money, some of his mates engaged in dodgy activities, generally rough around the edges.

This would be the only real red flag for me. Terrible with money how? What is his work ethic, can he save and not squander money, any signs of dodgyness or gambling in himself and not just mates? Is he still in touch with said mates? Can he plan his future and stay on track?

My relationship is not "equal" either, my parents were middle class while he is more of working class person. I am thinking in terms of careers and investments, and he is thinking in terms of jobs done and bills paid. And that's fine - I do the planning and he does the logistics. But I never had any doubts about any of the above. If he's solid in this aspect I wouldn't really worry but if you have doubts I would review what terrible with money means.

Augme

Reading your second post OP you strike me as being really sheltered or just looking for an excuse to bail.

I grew up in a very privileged household, both parents working professionals and did well for themselves, big house, lots of trips abroad, hobbies, parents put us all through education etc. Wider family circle of lawyers, teachers, accountants etc.

This is a pretty similar background to me and there are lots of guys who had the same background with who were arrested as teenagers and got into fights. This was a pretty similar pattern for a lot of the "upper class" guys up through college and beyond.

Keane2baMused

It doesn't matter what your background is or what your parents did for a living. Even the most wealthy and seemingly clean cut families have found themselves on the wrong side of the law. We've seen it splashed all over the news many times!

You say he's bad with money, so are lots of people. It's not a big reason to break up with someone. Especially given he actually seems to make a concerted effort to control his spending.

Who cares if he was arrested a few times as a kid? People do stupid things and then grow up and cop on. Has he been arrested as an adult? Going by your post no.

You also say he works hard.

It boils down to love, respect, honesty and friendship. It sounds like he gives you all of this..what more can you really ask for?

ivytwine

Augme wrote: »

Reading your second post OP you strike me as being really sheltered or just looking for an excuse to bail.





This is a pretty similar background to me and there are lots of guys who had the same background with who were arrested as teenagers and got into fights. This was a pretty similar pattern for a lot of the "upper class" guys up through college and beyond.

Yeah I agree with this. Getting arrested isn't solely the preserve of working class people... And it's pretty likely that everyone will come across someone involved in criminality at some point. For example, a colleague of a friend recently was convicted of massive fraud, he never saw it coming or suspected that the person was capable of that. Would know guys from very affluent backgrounds who pissed off guards while drunken teens too.

Your boyfriends' friends are working as legit tradesmen... He's recognising that he's awful with money and actively trying to improve that facet of his character. I don't think you have anything to worry about here.

I'm coming at it from his angle, I come from a poorer background too and the feelings associated with a lack of money *never* leave you. Having any spare money is a novelty and therefore you spend it. I'm not trying to be rude or dismissive OP but the mentality towards money and the invariable inability to manage it properly is something that's hard to understand if you didn't grow up with it.

That's not to say your relationship won't work because of this.

Charles Babbage

A person isn't responsible for their parents only for their own behaviour and it isn't a person's past that is important but the direction a person is going in. Being skint at the end of the month and codology about different bank accounts that are hard to access suggests an irresponsible person not in control of his own life and this should be worrying regardless of his background.

Keane2baMused

Charles Babbage wrote: »

codology about different bank accounts that are hard to access suggests an irresponsible person not in control of his own life and this should be worrying regardless of his background.

I know lots of people with two accounts. One for bills etc and the other for miscellaneous. I don't see how that makes someone irresponsible.

CaraMay

He sounds like a good guy and it's important that you like his parents. It all sounds good to me. I'll never be good with money and would be, by your standards, considered 'middle class' (hate that term). It's good that he's moved on from his dodgy friends and they are no longer part of his life.

I'm trying to think of couples I know who are in your position and can't. I guess most parents in Ireland for my generation would have been 'working' class as v v few people had money whereas most of their kids would now be professionals and have married people similar to them. Working class doesn't always mean rough btw.

I'm kind of torn as I think this guy sounds fab and I worry that he will be made to feel less in your world. I worry that he will sense your disapproval of him and that maybe your family and friends will look down on him. If that's the case then dump him straight away. Nice guys like him are hard to find and from what you say about him, he may not have had your money but he certainly sounds to have good breeding (based on the way he treats you and how good his parents are).

I think good guys like him are very hard to find but if you do think he will never be enough then finish it now as it would be so unfair to lead him into a life where people look down on him.

monkeynuz

Scumbags come in all walks of life, just look up John hervey marquess of Bristol and you'll find a prize scumbag, I knew a friend of his and none of them were any good, if you love him and he's a decent chap then don't worry about anything else.

if anyone ever looks down on him then they're the ones that aren't worth bothering with, true people of class accept all backgrounds.

FortySeven

It can become a major problem when it comes to raising children. My ex partner thought I was evil because I wanted the children to chew with their mouths closed. To me it is disgusting to chew with mouth open and appalling manners. One of many small issues that set a tone of conflict.
Remember that most people revert to their own experience of childhood when parenting. My ex was brought up one way. Me another and it caused endless issues and eventually a split.
It all depends how much you are both willing to compromise. Unfortunately, the willingness fades when you add children to the mix.

monkeynuz

FortySeven wrote: »

It can become a major problem when it comes to raising children. My ex partner thought I was evil because I wanted the children to chew with their mouths closed. To me it is disgusting to chew with mouth open and appalling manners. One of many small issues that set a tone of conflict.
Remember that most people revert to their own experience of childhood when parenting. My ex was brought up one way. Me another and it caused endless issues and eventually a split.
It all depends how much you are both willing to compromise. Unfortunately, the willingness fades when you add children to the mix.

That's just plain old manners though, I have seen plenty of people who think they are a cut above with terrible manners (table and otherwise)

If someone is bothered about how you conduct yourself and correct your children that is a different issue altogether.

pow wow

I think the fact that you're concerned about it means it is a problem. This isn't "my family thinks he's from the wrong side of the tacks but I love him" - this is you wondering if the differences you've noticed and that don't sit so comfortably with you are going to cause problems in the long run.

Honestly, I don't know. You watch these movies about love conquering all and it makes you feel like you're a bad person for noticing these things between you that are concerning you. Are you on the same page about your future together and how you're going to get there? It sounds to me like that may be more of an issue than his past and the circles he runs in.

LegacyUser

(OP)

Thanks for the continued advice. Still a bit down about it all. Can't imagine my life without him, I would be heartbroken, but so worried about making the wrong decision and us both dealing with even worse heartbreak down the line.

CaraMay I'm acutely aware of how important it is not to give the guy a complex no matter what I do and it's why I'm here on this thread instead of attempting any face to face conversation with him. It's not the kind of thing you say to someone is it? I'd be destroyed if someone had the same doubts about me for similar reasons.

He's met a handful of my friends and my mother and they all seemed to like him so I don't think there'll be problems there. He's a very sociable and funny guy and I can't imagine him ever being ostracised or looked down on by any of my folks.

We're together just over half a year now so the "future" conversations have been vague and non specific, all we know really is we don't want to be with anyone else and want to move in together soon.

He makes less money than me too and I wonder if I'm expecting too much. I didn't have as much money at his age as I do now and saving wasn't the same priority so why should I expect him to? Maybe it's a stage of life thing more than a class thing, I don't know.

It's very much a head and heart thing. I love him, I trust him with my life and I can't even conceive of breaking up with someone who cares so much about me and would do anything for me. I didn't even know men like him existed before we got together, I'd had such a **** show of a love life. I just find dating and relationships more weighted now in my 30s and that's the head part that comes in and makes me worry about what kind of life we can have together or how compatible we can be in terms of long term goals etc.

Lisacatlover

He doesn't actually sound bad with money to me, due to the fact he has the two accounts and uses that to budget himself. If he didn't have the two and spent it all, or didn't devise this two account thing to help budget his money, then you could say he was bad with money.
Is a completely different issue to his background anyway. Plenty of middle/upper class people living in horrendous debt due to actually being bad with money.

Honestly I don't see what the problem is. Sounds like he's a motivated, responsible guy that just happened to grow up in a different area to you.
There's an awful lot of middle class people that couldn't deny having had a beer with a criminal either. The glutinous abundance of coke doesn't magic its self into Krystal nightclub at the weekends.

sadie1502

I'd you didn't have any real concerns or issues this thread wouldn't be here. Clearly it's an issue.

kjl

Look, it's very easy to see him in this light now that you are in the honeymoon stage of your life and imagining a life with him sounds great, but realistically you have only been with him for 8 months.

I wouldn't be planning the wedding and kids names just yet. Get to know they guy and figure out if the issue will be a problem in the future.

Don't get to hung up on your age, the last thing you want in your plan in a messy divorce.

eviltwin

I think you have the issue and its a shame because nothing seems particularly bad about this guy. The money thing could be an issue but he seems to have a handle on it. He's focused and hard working so that is a good sign. Things like that are important but it's totally irrelevant to his background. Anyone can be bad with money, anyone can lack ambition. It seems you are just hung up on the difference between your class and its really unfair. It sounds like you are a bit embarrassed by his social class. If you can't get over it then you should end it because he deserves better.

PressRun

I think the problem is with you too and if you don't mind me saying, this all sounds a wee bit snobby on your part. People from all walks of life can be careless with money or unmotivated. I've met more than a few middle-class people in my time that have never done an honest day's work in their lives and furthermore, don't believe that they should have to. From what you say, he's trying to better himself, is working hard and has done nothing but treat you with kindness. I honestly don't see how any of this is a problem on his end and frankly, I feel quite sorry for him that he's with someone who can't get by a petty class issue.

SarahMollie

Surely is it not more impressive that he has come from the background he has and has achieved arguably more than was expected from him, versus someone born into privilege achieving exactly what was expected of them?

I have a friend who is in maybe a more extreme version of this situation (minus the age difference, hes a few years older) and they're getting married next year. Anything is possible.

They've been together since her late teens on and off. Background was an issue but he's worked on himself to "come up to her level" if you wish - he always said he wanted a "classy girl" and I think purposely set his sights on someone who was driven and had high standards for herself. When they met he had a trade, but a few years later the recession meant that he had to reevaluate - he went back to collage, got a 1:1 in his degree, and now has a great job. This all against the backdrop of a family who do not value education at all and are mostly unemployed. Her parents couldnt stand him at the time but they've recognised what he's achieved against the odds and are now delighted with him, and so supportive of him, even when his own family are not. Her mam gave him a family heirloom to propose and he's constantly at their family home, even when she's not there to spend time with her parents.

I think he's accomplished a phenomenal amount versus myself and my group of friends who have had every opportunity.

Your BF sounds like hes already in a much better place than my friends BF was when the first met. Honestly if you love him as much as you say you do, I don't know what you're worried about.

SarahMollie

PressRun wrote: »

I think the problem is with you too and if you don't mind me saying, this all sounds a wee bit snobby on your part. People from all walks of life can be careless with money or unmotivated. I've met more than a few middle-class people in my time that have never done an honest day's work in their lives and furthermore, don't believe that they should have to. From what you say, he's trying to better himself, is working hard and has done nothing but treat you with kindness. I honestly don't see how any of this is a problem on his end and frankly, I feel quite sorry for him that he's with someone who can't get by a petty class issue.

+1

There are plenty of people who have every opportunity and yet underachieve/squander their money.

His family might not be fancy, but you've said they're decent, hard working people. There are people who many have money but couldnt claim to be decent /hard working.

I have a friend from a very well off background, went to the best schools etc, but she's always broke at the end of the month. I think she knows that she'll never really be in trouble moneywise so she just thinks "spend spend spend!" I've seen her actually put €5 petrol in her car because that's all she had until payday. I've actually had to stop her opting out of our pension scheme in work because " she'd rather have the money now", and as for savings, thats a foreign concept. She just feckless, but she's still my friend and I love her despite her lack of money management

Actually I think you'll find that in a lot of relationships, one person will be better with money than the other and may take over finances as part of their role in the relationship. This has nothing to do with class.

It sounds like you're looking for problems where they don't really exist?

Mr. Incognito

I grew up in a Council Housing Estate and Work as a Tax Lawyer. I regularly practice in the Superiour Courts.

If someone looked down on me because of my background I'd laugh at them.

1. Your Bf probably has more life experience and cop on than you could ever hope to have. That is an asset. It will allow him to interact with all sorts of people comfortably whereas you would probably be out of your depth in certain situations.

2. You only have these concerns because you are so sheltered. That is no more your fault for being born lucky than it is his for being born into a disadvantaged area/ circumstances.

3. Instead of applauding him for overcoming these obstacles in his life and up-skilling and becoming a responsible member of society and who appears to be a caring, wonderful loving person you are judging him for it.

4. There is absolutely no social class in Ireland. Not in any substance. No family is more than a few generations from abject poverty in Ireland.

5. I'm surprised that having ventilated what is, objectively, middle class bigotry your boyfriend didn't tell you to take a hike. I would have.

6. When you settle down in the future and raise your family you will realise that while wider family are important, your family unit comes first. i'd rather have a partner who was patient, kind, intelligent and loving rather than anyone with a good family CV.

7. A few of the responses on here that share your niaeve world view and bigotry don't really surprise me. I've a lot of sheltered D4 Mates. I'd take the rough upbrining any day for someone that has real strength of character and self belief. You don't know who you are until you've been tested.

Sound Bite

OP, can I have his number if you break up? He sounds great.

On a serious note, the problem here is you and your naive view of the world. While life isn't a competition, do you not realise that he is far more successful and hardworking than you. You were fortunate to grow up in an environment where success was expected and encouraged. For him, I'm sure he probably had to fight a bit more for his achievements etc.

Imo, the main risk to your relationship is your superiority complex rather than any shortcomings you think he has.

Keane2baMused

Sound Bite wrote: »

OP, can I have his number if you break up? He sounds great.

On a serious note, the problem here is you and your naive view of the world. While life isn't a competition, do you not realise that he is far more successful and hardworking than you. You were fortunate to grow up in an environment where success was expected and encouraged. For him, I'm sure he probably had to fight a bit more for his achievements etc.

Imo, the main risk to your relationship is your superiority complex rather than any shortcomings you think he has.

I have to agree!!

OP my mother and father are both from 'working class' backgrounds (don't like the term but anyway). They both worked their backsides off and climbed the ladder and got into extremely good jobs with excellent salarys.

Interestingly enough an ex of mine is from a 'working class' family. They worked to live however and never had ambition to further themselves. Which was fine and I loved my ex regardless of his lack of motivation to climb the ladder. His family however never really took to me and it was purely down to me being from a family that were comfortable money wise. Jealousy can be an awful thing! They failed to recognise however that it was all down to hard work and determination and nothing was handed to my parents (or us).

This guy sounds great. His past is just that and should be left there, so long as he continues to treat you well.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses.

To address a few things. I'm not sheltered. I've lived abroad in 4 or 5 different countries and cultures since I was 22 and have encountered and befriended people from all walks of life. I get along with most people regardless of where they're from or what they've done

I think my concerns are derived more from being a certain age and not wanting to waste time, coupled with maybe a lack of relationship experience. I have never been at this stage with a guy - in love and planning to move in together. I've had no luck with men. I've met the toffee noses ones and largely been treated like crap by them. Perhaps my concerns are misplaced. Maybe it's the commitmentphobe in me.

I might be overthinking because his background is so different from mine and maybe I'm more conservative when it comes down to it. I want the house and the kids and a good life and I freaked out when I realised it's something he's never had and what if we never get there?

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with any of this, I think as much as Ireland doesn't have a class culture (and I no longer live in Ireland) these are things that people think about and if I look at couples I know, they've largely coupled up according to similar backgrounds.

That all said, what this thread has made me realise is how lucky I am. I feel so loved and adored with my bf and that's a brand new thing for me and it makes me look for problems because I expect problems. I've never met a man as open and as loving and as funny and as caring and committed as he is, and ultimately I can't really ask for more than that. He makes me smile and laugh every day and he's always thinking of me. I can't even begin to imagine breaking up with him so I'm going to put all of this down to my previous long-term single life and the commitment phobic tendencies that come with that. And just get over myself I guess.

Thanks again for all the perspectives.

SarahMollie

Good Luck OP

CaraMay

But he has had a good background. He has fantastic parents! Houses, holidays etc do not matter. It's his moral fibre that's important. Op you can't analyse relationships and every now and then you just need to go for it. It's always a risk that a relationship won't work out - for everyone!