My life is so pathetic and I don't know how to fix it

LegacyUser

I feel like I have posted this so many times looking for help but it just scaring me how I am nearly 23, female and still be in a rut for past few years, and thought I might as well be honest about a couple of things I am afraid to confess beforehand.

I am in college now, with next year being my last year. During the last three and half years, apart from the odd class nights out here and there, I never been able to actually make good college friends, like so many of my other school mates have done. Overall I have gone out a total 7 times in college the past few years, and barely get a chance to go out with anyone else, since so many people I know are living their own lives, and even when I tried to initiate contact, it goes ok but it still doesn't feel like I have a friendship with someone.

In terms of relationships, I never had one, still a virgin and my last kiss was literally the first year of college. It just feels like the way people go on about it, I should be having time of my life, but I am not able to do that no matter how much I try.
I mean I did meet people and got along with a lot of them over the years (which was more than I could do in school), but nothing was ever initiated further because I was too quiet and strange for a lot of people apparently. Heck even a lecturer ignores me in class, which caused some of my work to suffer because he never approached me to see how I was doing and didn't know any better.
Honestly I have spent a lot of times in shops and supermarkets, wasting money on stuff I didn't need, because it was the only social interaction I could get most days.

I know I shouldn't play the blame game, but I feel a lot of this stems from my upbringing. I had to deal with a lot of emotional abuse from some people in my family (not all but some members), because for whatever reason, whether it was my weight or the fact they thought I was too slow, or too sensitive, or if they are narcissistic themselves, they just seemed to dislike me and put me down over the littlest things.
I'll give you one example of what I had to put up with: Imagine having someone actually give out to you for saying "Ouch!"
I came into the room one time, stubbed my toe on something so naturally I said "Ouch!" because it was painful. The person who was in the room actually gave out to me, saying "Why do you feel the need to say Ouch out loud like that?!" This was years ago, but that had always stuck with me because I couldn't even have a natural reaction to something with a fear of getting yelled at.
So with all these growing up, it feels like it was a reason why I could not connect with others. I was very mute-like and depressed in school, a lot of people thought I was creepy and pathetic because I never talked.

Isolation is horrible, because growing up when there was no one I feel I could talk to, the isolation got so much that I started talking to myself, and when listening to music, I would walk around my room a lot, thinking about scenarios that I wish had happened. I did that a lot in my teens and still do it now (although not as bad), but only sometimes if I have been in my house for too long and I know there are no roommate to hear or accidentally walk in on me.
With the talking, I didn't do it out loud. I would either mouth or whisper my thoughts out loud to myself. With the walking around, you would think I was in a trance or something. To anyone on the outside, they would think I lost it, but the reason I did it was because it felt like I had all this built-up energy I was not able to release normally, so I ended up having to do it in odd ways. Worse thing was my family probably suspected something, because I was in an upstairs room and it didn't occur to me until after good few months, what if they are wondering why i walk around a lot in my room.

Overall (and I can add more info on more posts if people need it) I just feel like my life is pathetic. When it comes to friends and relationships, barely anyone likes me as a person and never wants to know me, I feel like some family members would rather I was out of their lives entirely, since I never made a huge impact on them. I cannot drive, since my mother thinks I am not able for it, I cannot find a part-time job, and even with a degree I don't feel as if I will get a good job out of it, not only that I am more afraid than ever of joining the work place, because I know of some many graduates my age who are stuck in their place from 8 to 6, they never have any time to actually have a life and look absolutely miserable most days.

I know that I need to better myself, but how do I do that, especially with all my issues? I mean I have joined clubs in the past, went to counseling, etc, but nothing has worked. I feel like there is something that is holding me back that I don't know about. Honestly only people I find I can get along with are people in my exact position, but I don't want to be like this forever.

Any help is appreciated and let me know if you need more info.

via4

Sorry to hear about your situation it sounds very similar to mine. I am also looking for answers to the same questions why did my family want to hurt me so much why did I end up alone etc. My first piece of advice would be to go back to councilling. I'm waiting on my appointment for cbt therapy and I will be honest with the counciller and say I need this as a little support network for myself. I know what you mean about spending money just to get out for a bit I actually did that today but I said sod it it made me feel a little better. <mod snip - Forbidden topic>I think it's about confidence building. And also taking baby steps. The great thing about working is the social interaction esp working around ppl your own age this could open up a social life for you. And to be honest iv had jobs good and bad but I wouldn't change any of them as it taught me so much. And the best thing about it is if you don't like a job just leave and look for another. I joined tinder haven't got a date yet but I'm being optimistic and putting s little plan together in my head to wear a nice outfit feel better etc. Oh I talk to myself everyday!! Haha....I have a stretch of country road each day and I talk out loud about the most recent events that have happened in my life and I tell myself how far iv come how I don't let ppl walk all over me anymore and how I speak my mind. Your right it releases energy. I feel families are a strange thing I know I clash with a few but I don't really care anymore I just do my own thing.

The Black Oil

Low self-esteem is going to bleed through many areas of your life, as you're already aware. It'll give you an excuse to be unkind to yourself when it's probably not deserved. Then it builds and gets reinforced through isolation or how much of a 'failure' you might see yourself. You need to do a lot of heavy lifting to feel happier in your head and own skin (including not caring about social expectations of what you 'should' be doing), but it is doable and not necessarily something you've do to alone.

Perhaps showing your post to a new therapist might be a start.

Neyite

Mod:

Via4, requesting or soliciting PM's from posters in Personal Issues is not allowed. Please read the charter, thanks.

via4

Oh I am so sorry neyite thanks for that,

kjl

OK,

I'm going to give you the best advice you have ever gotten in your life.

You are 23 now, believe it or not but you are still very young and have plenty of time to change your life.

You have gone to college, but I think you missed out on the college experience. But you still have 1 year left to change that.

What you should do now is challenge yourself to make a change. Start this week. I am sure the is some society hosting a debate of some kind, or something going on. You should go to it, even if you don't have anyone to go with.

Normally these events have drinks type reception afterwards. Go to it and tell yourself you are going to introduce yourself to 10 people. If it was a debate, even better. Introduce yourself to some of the people who made points during it. Give them your opinion and don't be afraid to voice you opinion either.

If there is nothing going on this week in college, go up to your classmates after one of your lectures and ask them something about the course in general.

A lot of people forget that in this life, they have the choice. Ok, your parents made you shy, you can chose to change that.

I know it might be hard, but what will be harder for you is a lonely life. And if it all goes wrong, who cares at least you tried.

LegacyUser

Hello, I seem to have had similar experiences which in turn affected all my relationships, including those in work. I tied it down to my father and his narcissistic tendencies and my mothers resulting personality from having to live with this for so long.

I think once I understood what was happening in my interactions with my family, then I was able to start to help myself mentally.

Its a long process and im still getting the bag knocked out of me every day when im around him or them but growing confidence and finding who/what knocks it out of you is key.

geldings

As a first step towards independence, would you consider sitting the driver theory test and taking some lessons? I think this would be a lovely challenge for you and a truly worthwhile skill - if everyone can drive, and they can and do, so should you!! Do not let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do! Just get out there and prove them wrong. They will hate it at first but admire you later.

irish_d

atalossoverwhattodo, wow.

i'm at a loss for words.

having been through the college route and having been called 'weirdo' and 'freak' by peers, having a fb chat forum founded so that fellow students could bitch about me, having no friends and no social life, i can definitely relate. all you can do really is what you have been doing, by the sounds of it. namely, keep on keeping on and touch base with people who can identify. society is a cruel bitch most of the time and people tend to pick on whomever they see as being vulnerable, for the smallest of reasons. for me, it was the fact that i suffer from bi-polarism and scoliosis. so to them, i apparently looked and acted odd. you will always find people who care, in the oddest of places. because many of us have been there. keep your chin up.

Sunflower 27

Hi OP

I'd recommend some counselling. You have a lot if hurt and it is holding you back, pushing your self esteem down. There is low cost counselling options if you Google it.

It is never too late to change your life. You have plenty of time to make your life what you want it to be.

If you don't click with a counsellor, get another. That is crucial.

Wishing you all the best

castaway_lady

Like another poster said you are SO young. You'd swear by social media everyone had done everything by their early 20s- not the case at all.

Lives are managed- you are currently managing yours to an extent- you have other things you have yet to optimally manage, as does everyone. Like you I never got into the social scene in college and thought by the end I had missed out on something major, but a few years later I went back as a postgrad with lots more confidence and life experience and college social life didnt prove to be all it was cracked up to be then either. Your self-esteem is clearly low, but it doesnt have to be like this forever. Start with giving yourself credit for what you've achieved so far and are managing. It's highly likely that when you start your working life it will bring new social opportunities and experiences. Look into things you want to do in the future, thoughts of what excite you.
The relationship stuff will fall into place when it's meant to.

You may very well need some counselling to deal further with previous experiences. Does your college offer counselling?
In the meantime keep busy and active and don't spend too much time in your head, challenge your negative and self-defeating thoughts a bit.

LegacyUser

geldings wrote: »

As a first step towards independence, would you consider sitting the driver theory test and taking some lessons? I think this would be a lovely challenge for you and a truly worthwhile skill - if everyone can drive, and they can and do, so should you!! Do not let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do! Just get out there and prove them wrong. They will hate it at first but admire you later.

Thanks. Thing is I have been considering doing that when I am out of the house and have a job, only thing is can you learn enough when you only have the official lessons?

That is my worry, a lot of people I know practice in between official lessons with family members, and I have done a few family lessons before, and that is what was off-putting, a lot of them just were critical and thought I would not learn it at all.

I just feel if I did the lessons with an official instructor who does not know me too well, it might be easier to start from a blank page, but I am afraid it might not be enough practise or it would be too expensive.

LegacyUser

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I'd recommend some counselling. You have a lot if hurt and it is holding you back, pushing your self esteem down. There is low cost counselling options if you Google it.

It is never too late to change your life. You have plenty of time to make your life what you want it to be.

If you don't click with a counsellor, get another. That is crucial.

Wishing you all the best

Thanks. Not that I want to blow off any advice, but does counseling help at all?
I have been to a couple in the past, both college and expensive ones, and I did listen to their advice, but it just feels like they say the stuff that needs to be said.

I mean I know they don't have the magic cure, but it just feels like I can't really get any benefit out of it.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

OK,

I'm going to give you the best advice you have ever gotten in your life.

You are 23 now, believe it or not but you are still very young and have plenty of time to change your life.

You have gone to college, but I think you missed out on the college experience. But you still have 1 year left to change that.

What you should do now is challenge yourself to make a change. Start this week. I am sure the is some society hosting a debate of some kind, or something going on. You should go to it, even if you don't have anyone to go with.

Normally these events have drinks type reception afterwards. Go to it and tell yourself you are going to introduce yourself to 10 people. If it was a debate, even better. Introduce yourself to some of the people who made points during it. Give them your opinion and don't be afraid to voice you opinion either.

If there is nothing going on this week in college, go up to your classmates after one of your lectures and ask them something about the course in general.

A lot of people forget that in this life, they have the choice. Ok, your parents made you shy, you can chose to change that.

I know it might be hard, but what will be harder for you is a lonely life. And if it all goes wrong, who cares at least you tried.

I definitely tried that, but I just think something in my manner, body language or voice or just SOMETHING is too off-putting. I grow up in a rural area, and have been told I have an accent, so I think some people get put off by a farmer accent, or assume that I might be a traveler.
(FYI, I have nothing against travelers, but I am well aware of the negativity against them and how people would assume by the accent, whereas I would never be able to tell what a traveler sounds like)

I just can't hold conversations long enough for people to be interested, and I always notice how in these societies there are always little groups or two people palled up together. Trying to be there as someone on your own is awkward.

I am not trying to blow off any advice given, I appreciate all give to me, it just that this **** is a lot harder than some people realise.