New girlfriend's facebook account

SinaWil

Hi folks,

I'm in the midst of a moral dilemma at the mo and could really use a vent..

I met a girl online a while back. We pretty much hit it off immediately, and have both fallen fast for one another. I'm totally smitten by her, and she seems to be the same.

Anyway, she has a bit of a past. Which is fair enough, I'm no saint. Some of the details of her past don't sit well with me. (She was pretty wild by her own admission.) But this is my own jealousy / insecurity bubbling to the surface and i just need to deal with it.

I know that she had a few plates spinning at the beginning, which is fair enough. She says she has told the other guys she has a boyfriend, and all is going well with us.

The thing is - she only recently deleted the dating apps from her phone. Last week she had her ipad with her and remembered that she still had the apps installed on it. She opened it up, showed me some of the guys she had been chatting to (in a casual /funny sense), then deleted it in front of me.

I could see form the messages that she had told them she has a boyfriend.

However she is also chatting to women on another app (she's bi) and even though she says she's not meeting them, she wants to keep chatting to them.

To cut to the chase - she used my laptop the other day, and didn't log out of her facebook account. In spite of myself i had a brief look through her messages. I know this is a terrible thing to do but i just couldn't help myself.

I saw that there was another fella in the picture just before were officially a couple, which is fair enough. But the tone of the messages was quite 'lovey-dovey', and similar to her messages to me. Which leads me to believe she could just as easily have taken up with him?

There were also lots of messages to females which could be harmless enough (probably not?) I suspect from the tone of one message that she is interested in at least one girl. But it could be innocent enough.

Anyway, i had to switch off the laptop before i came across something i didn't like.

I saw a recent message to some guy but i didn't open it. It could have been nothing. I felt so guilty as it was and didn't want to torture myself any more.

The last few days have been awful. I'm wracked with guilt over invading her privacy, yet my paranoia is through the roof.

I would suffer from anxiety and obsessive thoughts, and these situations send me over the brink. However, i have completely fallen for this girl? In spite of all the red flags..

I know, that with the flick of a button i could open pandoras box?

No doubt, i would find something i don't like.

I'm thinking of just wiping my internet history?
So as to remove the temptation of ever going back on her fb page.

Any thoughts folks?

frostyjacks

If it's your own laptop it's hardly an invasion of privacy. She shouldn't have stored the passwords on it; anyone could pick it up and go into her account.

Her past, coupled with the amorous messages she's still sending, would suggest she's not quite ready for a proper relationship. Just sit back and enjoy it while it lasts.

Augme

Sounds like you're not mentally ready/mature enough for a relationship. Have you ever seen someone for your anxiety and obsessive thoughts? If not, that's what I'd do straight away.

SinaWil

Thanks for the reply!

You're right..

I'm tempted to have another look so as to find something concrete?
Before i pull the plug

SinaWil

Augme wrote: »

Sounds like you're not mentally ready/mature enough for a relationship. Have you ever seen someone for your anxiety and obsessive thoughts? If not, that's what I'd do straight away.

I've had counselling in the past, but the anxiety is always bubbling away beneath the surface.

My upbringing was chaotic (foster homes etc)

I tend to unravel when i'm in a relationship, all of which have been disastrous

CaraMay

SinaWil wrote: »

I've had counselling in the past, but the anxiety is always bubbling away beneath the surface.

My upbringing was chaotic (foster homes etc)

I tend to unravel when i'm in a relationship, all of which have been disastrous

Op try to have faith. It's always a bad relationship until you have a good one. I'm sorry you had such a tumultuous upbringing but you deserve happiness as much as the next one. Talk to her. It wouldn't annoy me if I were here. Then try to enjoy the happiness you deserve

armaghlad

Look away, if anything for your own peace of mind. My (ex) gf of 3 years told me her password and then got uppity when I had a look in her Facebook mails and found out she was cheating on me. Better to nip these things in the bud. If there is no trust there is no point.

Augme

SinaWil wrote: »

I've had counselling in the past, but the anxiety is always bubbling away beneath the surface.

My upbringing was chaotic (foster homes etc)

I tend to unravel when i'm in a relationship, all of which have been disastrous

Why did you stop?

irishguy1983

Plenty of folks going to give out to you for snooping.

Plenty of folks going to say tis your insecurity which is the issue here.

They may have a point...

However going on limited information this is not the kind of girl who helps the above nor is the type who will be faithful. Of course I could be wrong/have limited information and of course you can't judge someone by their past. If I was in Paddy Powers I'd bet 20 Euros she ain't the faithful type though.

Sometimes the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour...

Then again she may have met you and really wants to settle down...

Eircom_Sucks

sounds like trouble

i'd make my exit before she breaks you're heart or messes with you're head

it will always eat away at you

SinaWil

Just a bit of background -

She came out of a long term (abusive) relationship a while back.
And found validation in the online world.

We really clicked when we met.
In spite of myself, i've totally fallen for her..

She says she has never cheated before.
(She even said she loves me, and that i've changed her)

However, i've been here before..

It won't be long until another butterfly comes along and she'll be off..

I seem to be attracted to the 'free spirit' type.

Her past gets to me tbh, but she has done nothing i haven't.

It is what it is?

eviltwin

Sounds like you are looking for a reason to dump this girl. Even if you do your issues are still there so either way I would go back to counselling.

SinaWil

eviltwin wrote: »

Sounds like you are looking for a reason to dump this girl. Even if you do your issues are still there so either way I would go back to counselling.

I had a few bad experiences with therapists.
(One tried to interfere with me when i was young)

I gave it another go a while back, but the therapist always seemed to be the one crying?

Not for me

Augme

SinaWil wrote: »

Just a bit of background -

She came out of a long term (abusive) relationship a while back.
And found validation in the online world.

We really clicked when we met.
In spite of myself, i've totally fallen for her..

She says she has never cheated before.
(She even said she loves me, and that i've changed her)

However, i've been here before..

It won't be long until another butterfly comes along and she'll be off..

I seem to be attracted to the 'free spirit' type.

Her past gets to me tbh, but she has done nothing i haven't.

It is what it is?

Ironically enough you could argue that she seems to be attracted to insecure men, (potentially) abusive men. Guys who are insecure tend to be the abusive jealous type. Looking through her emails, being jealous etc are all signs of someone who can potentially be an abusive partner. It sounds like you are just a really bad match for each other.

eviltwin

SinaWil wrote: »

I had a few bad experiences with therapists.
(One tried to interfere with me when i was young)

I gave it another go a while back, but the therapist always seemed to be the one crying?

Not for me

Not all therapists are like that. You've admitted you tend to have issues around relationships. It's not going to change unless you address it. If you won't get help it might be best to end it. She doesn't need that level of distrust.

SinaWil

Augme wrote: »

Ironically enough you could argue that she seems to be attracted to insecure men, (potentially) abusive men. Guys who are insecure tend to be the abusive jealous type. Looking through her emails, being jealous etc are all signs of someone who can potentially be an abusive partner. It sounds like you are just a really bad match for each other.

True! She's bringing out the worst in me

eviltwin

SinaWil wrote: »

True! She's bringing out the worst in me

She's not doing anything. This is all coming from you.

SinaWil

eviltwin wrote: »

She's not doing anything. This is all coming from you.

I walked into that one

Yintang

Instead of tormenting yourself, why don't you just sit down and have an honest chat with her, OP? Talk to her about her recent past relationships; how she thinks your relationship is going at the moment, and maybe tell her a little about the anxiety you can suffer from in relationships. If she's genuinely into you, she'll reassure you and make you feel like you have no reason to read anything more than flirtatiousness into her messages.

And if you think it's going to end badly, then either get out now, or just enjoy it for what it is, as you say that you both get on well and enjoy each others company.

Lisacatlover

SinaWil wrote: »

I walked into that one

You said it yourself that you're insecure and jealous and things unravel when you get into a relationship. It seems to be all you. There's really nothing substantial at all to suggest this girl is cheating on you or will, just a bunch a paranoia and suspicion and insecurity your end making something out of things that sound like nothing. Probably did the same in your last relationship? Probably do the same in your next one too. Bad pattern.

Lau2976

As others have said OP you need to address your issue first. Whether you were with this girl or another it seems like your issues would stay. You haven't said that there's any evidence of her cheating, and she openly showed you the app in a non hostile way. That doesn't seem like the actions if a cheater.

You said you have a similar past to her, do you think your actions or feelings are justifiable if they came from her and were directed at you? Do you not feel that she has a right to friends no matter what their gender or her sexuality?

I don't agree that you should snoop on her facebook, and leaving herself signed in isn't a justification for that, you need to sit down and talk that through because of she finds out down the line it could do irrepairable damage.

woodchuck

It doesn't seem to me that there are ANY red flags with this girl. It's all your own paranoia and suspicion. I really think you need to work on yourself before you can be in a happy healthy relationship, because your way of thinking will just destroy a relationship.

SinaWil

Thanks for the replies folks!

Had a few light bulb moments reading through all this.

It is down to my own insecurity and jealousy.

I was in therapy for this before and we pinned it down to why i'm like this.

Without doing a 'poor me' on it - both parents left when i was 3, which has lead to a deep rooted distrust of anyone i get close to.

If anything, this is an opportunity to learn and work through those issues.

If it goes pear shaped then so be it.

Thanks again guys!

SinaWil

Thanks for the replies folks!

Had a few light bulb moments reading through all this.

It is down to my own insecurity and jealousy.

I was in therapy for this before and we pinned it down to why i'm like this.

Without doing a 'poor me' on it - both parents left when i was 3, which has lead to a deep rooted distrust of anyone i get close to.

If anything, this is an opportunity to learn and work through those issues.

If it goes pear shaped then so be it.

Thanks again guys!

LegacyUser

SinaWil wrote: »

I've had counselling in the past, but the anxiety is always bubbling away beneath the surface.

My upbringing was chaotic (foster homes etc)

I tend to unravel when i'm in a relationship, all of which have been disastrous

Shes with you lad,not anyone else thats all you need to know
Be proud that she chose you and recognise that you won the battle
Pointless thinking about anything else
Pointless
It gets you nowhere

Mourinho

Hold on a second in between everything else people are giving out to you for, did you say she she's bi and has deleted the dating apps where she was talking to lads but refuses to stop chatting to girls on another dating app?