Possible affair

LegacyUser

I think my husband is having an affair with someone he works with. Things have changed lately: in the last number of months. Before I would have used his phone like my phone. Now it never leaves his pocket. Either of his phones. We haven't had sex since before Christmas. He works very long hours and has a long commute, and often has overnight stays. He says it's just work, but he won't discuss it. Says if I don't trust him what's the point in us being together? I just don't know what to do. We have two small children. I've been trying to organise a weekend away for months but work always comes first. I just don't know what to do. Ask again. Leave it and see. There is a rumour going around about the two of them but he says it's not true and he didn't tell me about it in case I got upset.

Magicmatilda

What is most suspicious here is his refusal to discuss this. How have you raised it and how does he shut you down?

There are rumours - how did you hear those?

You see, if my partner was concerned that I was having an affair, I would feel compelled to allay their fears, I would be demonstrating to them that it is not true. I would be offering up my phone. Discussing it etc... I would not want someone I love to be caused pain through worrying about something like that, particularly if it was something there were rumours about, that means its not just in your head, obviously it is in other peoples too.

The change is sex habits and phone use are two massive red flags.

How old are your kids?

magicmushroom

From the very little information you've given us, I would say he is having an affair.

Were the overnight stays away with work a regular occurrence before things stared going a little sour and before the rumours started?

Rumours don't start for no reason...sorry OP but you need to find out what's going on here.

Given the circumstances, I would personally demand to see his phone.
Some posters may say that's a no-no but seriously, if he nothing to hide then why wouldn't he let you see?

If he won't hand it over without having time to delete stuff first, then you have your answer.

LegacyUser

magicmushroom wrote: »

Rumours don't start for no reason...

There's no smoke without fire must be one of the most stupid ideas ever, anyone can start a rumour about anything, it's how gossip, bullying and tabloid journalism work.

To be honest OP, I don't think you have enough to come to any conclusions and you really need to know a whole lot more before you can proceed. There are plenty of couples who go that long and longer without sex and from patterns you can see in threads here, cheaters don't stop having sex with their partners so there's no clear correlation there.

You don't say if the long hours and overnights are a recent change. Overnights are also common for people who have long commutes, they make sense sometimes.

You also don't say how you became aware of this rumour. A credible source? A jealous, spiteful liar? A rumour you've surmised based on no real evidence? If your husband works such a distance away, how do you have contact with his colleagues to hear this rumour?

Before you take a marriage-affecting step, I think you need to get more information and examine it critically along with what you already have.

LegacyUser

He's not great at talking in general. He has always been the type of person to talk about something for 20 minutes and then that's the end of it. That in itself isn't unusual and after ten years together you would think I'd be used to it. He talked about it but that's the end of it then as far as he's concerned and if I try to bring it up he says I either trust him or I don't.

I swing between thinking he's having an affair and I'm being ridiculous believing rumours over my husband.

He regularly stays overnight for work depending on the projects he's working on. It's not unusual for him at all.

I just don't know. I'm so conflicted. Our children are 3&2. He is a workaholic. Without a doubt. Maybe it's that. The problem is I have such doubt. Either way it's a problem I know.

Lavinia

If I'd be in that situation I believe I would try harder to really talk with him, Id tell him my concerns but not in a blaming tone but as concerns of us and how it makes me feel. That I miss us being intimate etc. and see where would that lead us. If anywhere.

Canterelle

Sorry op but from your first post, it does have the hallmarks of someone having an affair. Mostly the keeping phone out of your reach. It's horrible but you do need to know, so could you go to the source of the rumours? And could you explain your worries and ask him to explain them to you? Without the cop off "if you don't trust me" answer.

Marymoll

Speaking from experience, my husband was working in a demanding job (hotel manager) often had to stay over. We were 8 years married, 2 small kids, one on the way, when I got 'doubts'. Phone always glued to his hand, lost interest in me and kids, spent more time in work then at home, missed scans, then the rumor mill started... he denied everything, I was mad, hormonal, all the rest. People pussyfooting around me made me feel more uneasy. One night when he was staying at work, I arranged for kids to be minded and drove to suprise him .... bigger suprise for me !!! My advise... go with what your gut is telling you x

retro:electro

In these cases, intuition speaks volumes. You often hear people saying "I just knew". I would say listen to that and follow through on what you feel.

Voltex

Its pretty well documented the warning signs of someone having an affair..the guarding of the phone, lack of intimacy, being standoffish..etc etc; everything your other half is demonstrating OP.

Keane2baMused

You may want to consider just turning up to his work one night as a 'surprise' and see if his story holds true.

It's the only sure fire way of finding out.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for replying. It's not easy for me to read some of the replies. I never fully answered all the questions: I heard the rumours from someone rather spiteful who has a grind to axe so initially didn't give them any credence at all. But when I talked to my husband he told me there were rumours, they weren't true but he could understand why I was upset. He was too, but didn't know how to tell me about them.

He's not a talker. Him shutting down isn't necessarily reflective of him having something to hide, rather that is how he deals with things. If it's not true I suspect he's finding it difficult to deal with it.

I can be a pessimistic person. I think of the worst case scenario. And I think when I wrote my op maybe I was being overly simplistic. That's not me defending him either. He needs to talk to me, not just shut it down. He has questions to answer I know that.

I know I need to talk to him. I could forgive an affair but if he's lying about it now I'm not sure I could and that's what scares me.

pgj2015

Confused 7564 wrote: »

Thanks everyone for replying. It's not easy for me to read some of the replies. I never fully answered all the questions: I heard the rumours from someone rather spiteful who has a grind to axe so initially didn't give them any credence at all. But when I talked to my husband he told me there were rumours, they weren't true but he could understand why I was upset. He was too, but didn't know how to tell me about them.

He's not a talker. Him shutting down isn't necessarily reflective of him having something to hide, rather that is how he deals with things. If it's not true I suspect he's finding it difficult to deal with it.

I can be a pessimistic person. I think of the worst case scenario. And I think when I wrote my op maybe I was being overly simplistic. That's not me defending him either. He needs to talk to me, not just shut it down. He has questions to answer I know that.

I know I need to talk to him. I could forgive an affair but if he's lying about it now I'm not sure I could and that's what scares me.

if he is having an affair hes an idiot op, and if you do find out he is having one, don't be too quick to forgive him as he may think he can keep cheating and you will forgive him each time, i don't know how a man could cheat on his wife with two young kids at home. as others have said the hiding of his phone is a huge tell tell sign someone is cheating.