Overly competitive siblings

LegacyUser

I would appreciated any advice. I love my 2 siblings but they are ridiculously competitive and it is affecting our relationship. I don't want to be around them any more and hate having to spend time with them, more and more I am indifferent to whether I see them or not. When I was younger within the family, I think I was overly patient, compromising with them. I indulged their boasting, their ridiculous insecurities. This ranges from competition over something as stupid as the size of a television, the size of a car, what dress size I am wearing, what weight I am, job status, job status of our partners. I am well able to laugh it off, but its at a level which is embarrassing and exhausting. I have a completely different temperament to them, I left a so-called high status job in order to take a lower paid one that i wanted to do, that wasn't affecting my health so much. For some reason this enraged my sister, even though she would have a much better paying job than I have, far more material things, far nicer house in a better area, but I just dont care. I am happy with a simpler life and better health. I find my siblings vacuous and shallow and increasingly dont want to spend any time with them but this upsets my parents. They are unable to be happy for me when something goes right, ie when I got engaged. One of my siblings spent the entire week before my wedding causing utter chaos and refused to speak to my inlaws the day of the wedding. I have never felt their achievements had anything to do with me whatsoever, whereas they visibly have disdain for any minor good news I might occasionally have. So what do you do, cut them out? I know beneath it all they care for me ,but they are intolerable to be around, I know other people see that in them and now I see it for myself. I don't want to drop them , but my tolerance has long since dried up, probably because I was too accommodating when I was younger. Also I love my nieces and nephews and definitely want to see them grow up. Anyone else has this issue? Many thanks

LegacyUser

Hello, ur thread strikes a cord with me. Sibling and wife didn't like that I had bought "such a big house" for a first house, decided to try and wreck my wedding by not being involved and inviting their friends along to any parties I had. They also couldn't compliment my wifes ring when we got engaged, my MUM had to prompt them!

Parents constantly siding with other sibling and acting like he is some sort of king on a throne is really hard sometimes. Plus with the fact that he treats the parents like crap and doesnt spend time with them makes it even worse.

I don't have any good tips I just cut them out. I think it stems from a competitive upbringing, for example,

"look johnny, your brother timmy ate all his peas. Hes going to be bigger and stronger than u and hes going to beat u up when hes older"

Que Johnny eating peas.

Sorry I have no advice, just really bad stories!

PinkLemonade

I think it's all about adjusting your expectations, don't expect compliments and congratulations, and don't be mad when you don't get them.

I have a large family and it's very competitive, they only seem to acknowledge my failings and never my achievements, but that's okay, I'm not jealous of them and I don't need their support.
I just try rise above it, I know they'd treat me badly if I let them, so I don't.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for the replies. I admit I don't know if there is really anything I can do other than limit how often I see them but even this wears me out. I don't think they have the self awareness to understand their behaviour if I confronted them. I am long since past the point of expecting compliments or praise of any sort, if they never said a good word about me again it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, to be honest I am a private person so if people don't know about my achievements, whatever they are, it wouldn't bother me, I just wish they weren't so shallow, I dont know where it came from, my parents arent not like that at all. Pink Lemonade, you mentioned not letting your family treat you badly? How do you approach this? I have struggled with assertiveness in the past.

PinkLemonade

I walk away when they act up, depending on whats happened, if it's just general school yard jabs I'll just avoid them for a while etc. If it's something more serious I'll insist on an apology and recognition of what they've done. It can be a long game but you'll get more respect overall.

I've a very good other half and best friend who let me rant when it gets too much, outside perspective can be very useful!

baby and crumble

It sounds to me like your siblings have this idea on their head of what life's meant to be like- the house, fancy job etc. Then when someone seems totally happy living outside that little picture it completely freaks them out and they react. Lots of people do the same, op. It's really not something you're going to change. I can't really answer your question with how to deal with it as my family are pretty chilled and don't really have to deal with each other other than a few times a year and even then we're happy enough to just muddle along.

Neyite

I'd go low contact with them - do family occasions, plan any visits so that you are busy on the weekends they visit and just happen to be free to see your parents when your siblings are otherwise engaged. Feign disappointment and innocence when your parents mention you haven't seen sister in ages. Well, you've all been so busy, but hopefully soon you'll catch up with them. Parents all want their kids to get along, but as grown ups, WE get to decide who we spend time with and who we let know our personal business. If a family member is nasty or hurtful you have every right to avoid them. And while your parents might want you all to get along harmoniously, they have had a hand in this too, in the way you all were reared by them. They are the ones to teach us how to respect our siblings, how to treat others, and lead by example in the family.

They make the digs because they feed off the hurt reactions from you, or to take the shine off something nice that is happening for you and put the spotlight back on them. So by anticipating that, you will be ready for them. Assume they will go as low as they can to get a reaction from you, and even if their comments make you seethe, do NOT let them see that. Let the minor comments and digs go over your head as that will frustrate them more. Anything that is a bit more cutting or nasty, just calmly pull them on it. Ask them to repeat what they just said to you, then just say you didn't think that was a very nice thing to say, and leave it at that. Any faux compliments, accept them happily with a big fake grin.

And withdraw a bit from them all. If you've family news to share, don't do announcements. You know how they react when you are the focus of any attention. Tell your parents your updates, and let them tell the others. That way, you can enjoy the good things in your life and keep the negativity at arms length.

CaraMay

Gosh they sound like vacuous eejits. As someone said,go low contact and avoid as much as possible. Some people just measure themselves by their possessions. Sad but true.