Don't know if or how to break up

Censorsh!t

I will give some background first

I have been going out with my bf for 4 months now... we met last June and gradually started seeing each other properly in August. I was drawn to him because he wasn't like my last bfs, he seemed more confident in himself, more likely to say his opinion etc.

Things went well until before Christmas when we had our first fight. We were out drinking and he brought up the issue of porn. He didn't mind that I watched it but got annoyed when I wouldn't tell him what website ( I was embarrassed and said I didn't want to say). he stormed out, leaving me in the pub telling me he hates liars. On his way back home, he smashed the wing mirrors off a number of cars and put his head through his bedroom wall...all over this little thing.

From there, almost every week there has been another issue he gets pissed off at me for - be it if I'm half an hour late (usually because of college), if I say the wrong thing, if I don't say anything, if I get upset that he starts shouting at me when he gets passionate about something (not fighting).

Another incident that stands out is when I intervened in something. His housemate (who is one of my good friends and how we met) and her bf and him were not as pally as they used to be - the dynamic seemed to have changed. I mentioned this to her, and she agreed. She mentioned it to him when trying to work things out and he freaked out at me for saying anything to her. It was apparently none of my business and now I would have to actively earn his trust back - he has since asked me what steps I have taken to do this.

I am so tired of this, I am just exhausted from the stress of worrying about if Im going to annoy him by being late, by not seeing him as much as he wants, by not opening up as much as he wants (he says this is what starts all our arguments - basically it is my fault he gets annoyed at me). I am also doing a PhD, and the stress of everything is just too much.


I think I have decided I want to break up...my only problem is I am scared of how he will react or what he will do. He has pretty bad depression, and has tried ending his life in the past. He has also cut himself in the last few months. I really could not cope if he did something because of what I do... it's not like he has threatened to do anything, but I am still terrified.

I know if it was one of my friends I would tell them to get out of there... but its so much easier when its someone else.

I have brought up my feeling scared and anxious all the time, and he was deeply apologetic... but this hasn't stopped the fighting. I am literally scared right now because I have a busy weekend coming up and I am terrified he will get annoyed at not seeing me.


If I break up with him, how the hell do I approach it. I don't know what to do.

HelgaWard

Meet him for a coffee in a public place, say your relationship is not making you happy and you want to break up. Keep calm and don't get drawn in to a big conversation about it. Have plans to meet a friend or family member an hour later so you have a reason to leave.

whiskeyman

He sounds very unstable and you need to get out of this relationship asap.
Don't be stringing him along and I'd 'ice' the relationship until you break up - don't show interest / make excuses for meeting up / don't instantly reply to calls.
Make sure he sees this coming and that you are unhappy.

Calypso Realm

As above. On reading your post I got the distinct impression he was showing signs of wanting to break up with you, so I doubt if it will come as a major, out of the blue surprise to him. Certainly appears neither of you are very fulfilled in this relationship. Since you're doing a PhD I would use this as a main focus for breaking up-as it happens it's a very good reason to eliminate other stresses from your life, as opposed to an excuse!

magicmushroom

I wouldn't do it face to face, just for fear of how he will react.
Do it over he phone - usually not a nice way to break up with someone but in this case, I think it's best.

LegacyUser

"On his way back home, he smashed the wing mirrors off a number of cars and put his head through his bedroom wall"

After this, there should not be a question about whether or not you should break up. He is not fit for relationships if this is how he reacts. Your only questions should be how to do it safely, for that I'd recommend you have a brother or father or similar somewhere nearby and be nothing but firm, clear and unequivocal in telling him it is absolutely 100% over, and the longer-term question of how you see yourself that you would be prepared to tolerate a relationship like this for as long as a second incident, let alone a few months.

mapaca

I think your instincts are spot on, there are so many red flags here, you are right to end it.

Don't play games, just tell him you're not happy and want out. He might react angrily, he might beg and plead - stand your ground. Then walk away and cut contact.

If you are worried he could harm himself or if he threatens to, call one of his friends or family and let them know. Then tell them you are cutting contact. Best of luck.

timmy880

Seems like there is potential for future violence here. It's one thing having a fight and storming off but knocking wing mirrors off cars and putting his head through the wall is not normal at all, even for a an over jealous type. As a previous poster said, meet for coffee in a public place and get it finished and then immediately meet family members.

Censorsh!t

Hi all,


Thank you for the advice.

I know I have to do it, and have stupidly ignored huge red flags (which is something I told myself I would never do again after my last relationship...).
I am a very quiet and shy person and find confrontation hard, so it's going to be pretty difficult. I hate hurting others but I know I need to put myself first cause I'm miserable.
I hope (as one person suggested) that he does want to break up also, as at least then it may be mutual.

CaraMay

Don't meet him unless you gave a friend with you. Maybe stay with that friend for the night. Tbh, he sounds nuts so I would text, email or call him. Etiquette goes out the window then safety is involved

Augme

I wouldn't be as worried meeting up in person and dumping him as other people. In saying that just text him and dump him if you're dreading doing it face to face. He seems like an asshole so I wouldn't feel like you owe him a face-to-face meeting.

Censorsh!t

Thanks again for the replies.


I was talking to my friend who lives with him yesterday. While she doesn't think he would do anything beyond breaking some stuff she did tell me about his last break up 3 years ago (or his version of what he told her anyway).

The girl he was going out with for 5 years moved all her stuff out one day and refused to see him, so he went around to her house and beat the crap out of her brothers when they wouldn't leave him into the house to see her. Apparently she left without warning because she was scared of what would happen if she did it face to face.

This has made me quite nervous. While I would do it face to face, I don't want him calling around, especially if there is any chance that he will use violence against anyone in my family or with any of my friends.


Writing this feels very strange - I know I have given the impression that he is an off the wall a-hole, but mostly he is a lovely guy. It is as if he is two different people. I know I can't have one without the other so I know I must end this, but it does make it very hard when its not clear cut.

CaraMay

If they are a friend why are they only telling you this now? Tbh you shouldn't be telling the friend before you tell him as its very likely they will now tell him

Censorsh!t

I know that they won't say to him, she has been my friend for 20 years. She only found this out after we had started going out, so I guess she didn't want to make things weird, as she thought we were going well.

CaraMay

She still should have told you. He's clearly unhinged. So what are you thinking of doing now. Maybe meet him in a restaurant or coffee shop.

LegacyUser

Censorsh!t wrote: »

mostly he is a lovely guy.

No, he's not. He is a nasty, horrible, violent thug who is happy when he's getting what he wants and his true nature comes out when things go against him. Two things you've told us about him on here should have ended in him getting a criminal record if he doesn't already have one. Stop making stupid excuses for him and start planning your escape.

Censorsh!t

I'm not quite sure. I am going to still break up with him, I'm just gathering the courage to do it, and trying to think out the right words - I think saying the right thing will be a big issue here. I don't want to put all the blame on him, as I don't want him to feel like absolute crap.

You're probably right - she should have said something to me. Although I know she had commented quite a bit on how much he had changed for the better even in just the last year. Which also makes me feel like our relationship is making him regress.

CaraMay

Would you go to the guards tell them what you are going to do and tell him you heard what he's capable of and the guards have been warned in case he does anything. Surely if he attacked two people, he has a record.

HelgaWard

Censorsh!t wrote: »

I'm not quite sure. I am going to still break up with him, I'm just gathering the courage to do it, and trying to think out the right words - I think saying the right thing will be a big issue here. I don't want to put all the blame on him, as I don't want him to feel like absolute crap.

Definitely do the actually breaking up in a public place (eg coffee shop) when you are both sober. Sometimes saying less is better than saying more. Try not to get drawn in to a big lengthy conversation about the reasons why you want to break up, doing this will only give him things to get annoyed about or ammunition to attack you with. Pick one simple reason and stick to it. "I'm not happy, I want to break up". If he asks you what's making you unhappy just say "I can't pick one single thing, I'm just not happy and I want to break up" Keep repeating the same sentence, have your escape route planned, "I have to go now I'm meeting X at Y time". Don't tell him where you are going, just wrap up the conversation and leave.

It's a whip the plaster off situation, do it quickly and it'll be better for all involved.
Best of luck, you are going to feel like there is a huge weight lifted off your shoulders when you have done this.

Neyite

Read this.

I fully disagree with those who say you should meet him face to face to break up.

He has shown you that he can be physically violent, aggressive, abusive and break the law being destructive to property. You know that the last person, who knew him very well indeed, wisely did a moonlit flit and hid and still, someone in her family got badly beaten for it.

He has shown you who he is. Pay attention to that, and plan wisely. So, plan to break up when you have a bolt hole - someone to stay with. Let your friends and family know, depending on where you work, you may need to give them the heads up. You may think its embarrassing to disclose but honestly, its not. You send him a text, or phone him, break up then end the call. Save any messages or texts. A single text in reply to any - threats, pleading, threats of self harm - "if you contact me again I will call the gardai" and block him.

He may very well want to break up with you, but that wont make him any less enraged if you get in there first. Statistically, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the victim attempts to leave. They may not like you, or even want to be with you, but people like this like to control the shots.

Have you spoken to Womens Aid? if not, have a chat with them beforehand. They will be a great support to you if you need it.

Penny Dreadful

Censorsh!t wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.


I was talking to my friend who lives with him yesterday. While she doesn't think he would do anything beyond breaking some stuff she did tell me about his last break up 3 years ago (or his version of what he told her anyway).

The girl he was going out with for 5 years moved all her stuff out one day and refused to see him, so he went around to her house and beat the crap out of her brothers when they wouldn't leave him into the house to see her. Apparently she left without warning because she was scared of what would happen if she did it face to face.

This has made me quite nervous. While I would do it face to face, I don't want him calling around, especially if there is any chance that he will use violence against anyone in my family or with any of my friends.


Writing this feels very strange - I know I have given the impression that he is an off the wall a-hole, but mostly he is a lovely guy. It is as if he is two different people. I know I can't have one without the other so I know I must end this, but it does make it very hard when its not clear cut.

Eh no, he is an off the wall a-hole who sometimes can act like a lovely guy.
Nothing in your post abouthis behaviour makes him sound like a lovely guy at all. Nice normal people do not react this way when displeased. Even toddlers having tantrums dont and they're just kids learning their way in a world that can be confusing for them.

lelo100

Hi if u are meeting him have someone outside in a car waiting for u so u can go straight out and get in the car afterwards and let him know they are there. U have to protect yourself. This is an unstable guy. Don't be on your own. X

groovyg

The whole relationship sounds like a massive head wreck. If you are so afraid of breaking up with him is there anyway you could phase him out stop arranging to meet up and then he breaks up with you ? If you stop going on dates because you are busy all the time he might get fed up.

Penny Dreadful

groovyg wrote: »

The whole relationship sounds like a massive head wreck. If you are so afraid of breaking up with him is there anyway you could phase him out stop arranging to meet up and then he breaks up with you ? If you stop going on dates because you are busy all the time he might get fed up.

I would imagine that would be a very bad idea. He doesn't have a stable personality or temperment from what the OP described and she is already worried that he will get upset that she can't see him this weekend because she is working.
If he gets upset at that imagine what his reaction would be like if she just simply wasn't available for him.

Its dragging things on too long and would be immensly stressful for the OP. Its the right thing to just tell him that she is no longer happy in the relationship and she is no longer his girlfriend.

Censorsh!t

Thanks all again so much for the replies.

I will probably do it tomorrow, and two friends have said they will be near.

tara73

well done on making that decision and organising it with your friends.
it's also very brave you are doing it in public, but you seem to feel fit to do it so it's the best way.

I wish you all the best and that it doesn't get too nasty!

Ursus Horribilis

I don't have anything particularly new to add to the great advice you've been given here. The sooner you break it off with this guy the better. Personally I'd be of the tell him over the phone brigade because of his volatility but that's just me. It's good that you've got friends to hand. Hopefully there won't be too much drama. Be brief, be firm and be clear. Then get out of there.

I think you would benefit from some counselling or therapy. I get the impression from the reference you made to your last relationship that this isn't your first time dating someone with issues. The first thought that crossed my mind was why you continued to see him after he broke all those car mirrors and put his head through the wall. I consider that to be disturbing behaviour and something that should have made you walk. I think you need get help and try to work out why you rationalised it in your mind and continued to date him.

Censorsh!t

Hi all

I just want to thank once again and give an update.

I went through with the break up. To be honest it went a lot better than I expected - he was mostly very respectful, he got a bit frustrated and shouted a small bit but then calmed down and apologised. It was heart breaking to do it, and I feel really awful about it, even though I know it was the best thing to do. As much as an asshole that he could be, we had very good times also and I will miss those.

I met a friend after who had gone through something similar and that made me feel somewhat better. For now I am going to concentrate on myself and on college and will consider counselling - this is probably something I should do anyway, as I suffer from anxiety and low self esteem - and as someone said, perhaps I should try figure out why I am drawn towards these people and ignore red flags.


Once again, thank you again - the posts here really gave me the push to go ahead and do it and to cop on that this relationship was not healthy or normal.

ivytwine

That's good news Censor, have been following your thread and hoping it would have a positive resolution.

Not to alarm you but I would keep my wits about me in your position, don't engage in any contact with this guy or allow him to sucker you back in in any way, make sure you let your friends know where you are if you're alone. Hopefully he will take this with good grace.

Good luck with college and counselling. Hope you can resolve these issues and find someone decent when you're ready

HelgaWard

Well done, and best of luck for the future. Leave this fella in your past and do not be tempted to go back there.

stargazer 68

OP well done and best of luck. Delete his number and block his number.