Cheating on Tinder

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

As the title says, I have just found out my boyfriend of 6 years is meeting girls on Tinder for sex.
He cheated once 2 years ago with a girl from the next town and before we got together he had a rep for being a major playboy. All fine when you are free and single! He swore he loved me, we would get married and have the perfect family. I was reluctant to date him as I was very aware of his past but he chased me for a whole year and flattered me with everything possible 'til I gave in and agreed to date him. It wasn't long before I fell head over heels in love as he said he did too. For the first 2 years it was bliss. Then he started behaving a bit odd. Going a few weeks without contact, not showing up for arranged events. Massive red flags but I was blinded by love. My confidence gradually waned also.
In summer of 2014 intuition told me something wasn't right. I confronted him, he denied being involved with anyone else. As it turned out he was cheating with said girl for a few months. I walked out. It was over. He chased and begged and promised it would never happen again. I went back to him. The past year has been wonderful, we were blissfully happy, or so I thought. Then last week I got that same chilling feeling. I got hold of his phone after he passed out drunk from a night out and what I found made me sick to my stomach. He must have had 50+ women on tinder, actively messaging them to meet him. He had already met one and had sex with her and was flattering her as he had me all those years ago.
Right now I am too numb to even know what to do. I packed my bags , showed him the evidence, and walked out the door. A case of deja vu or what?!
My friends claim he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and from what I read about that it describes him and our relationship to a tee. I'm now terrified I have caught some horrible disease. My body as well as my soul is crushed.
What on earth do men see in Tinder? Why does a man getting fabulous sex (his words), love, support at home need to bother with meaningless sex with strangers. He is 33 years old, hardly a kid.
Just hoping some of you who have been in this dark place may give me some guidance as to how to best get over this crap.
Thank you all for reading

CaraMay

You get over it by realising he is a total toe rag and not worthy of your tears. It's easier to get over someone who treats you very badly and never ever give a cheat a second chance.

LegacyUser

Thank you CaraMay, if only it were that easy!
In time hopefully. I think right now I need to understand why he did it? I'm wrecking my head wondering is it me? Am I a horrible, ugly person that he hates so much to do that? Tinder seems so shallow and conveyer belt like. Is this what relationships in one's 30's has come to?

mapaca

It's not you, it's him. You say he already had a reputation as a playboy before ye got together. It looks like he's just not ready to settle down with one person. Some people are always on the lookout for the next "romance", to put it politely. Tinder plays right into this temptation. You are not at fault, you did nothing wrong. You gave him a second chance in good faith, and he blew it.

Fair play to you for walking away, that took guts. Keep busy with other things, spend time with friends, have some fun. Onwards and upwards.

intheclouds

SnowWhite222 wrote: »

In time hopefully. I think right now I need to understand why he did it? I'm wrecking my head wondering is it me? Am I a horrible, ugly person that he hates so much to do that? Tinder seems so shallow and conveyer belt like. Is this what relationships in one's 30's has come to?

He did it because he gets his rocks off cheating. This is no reflection on you and he could be with the most beautiful woman in the world and he would still be cheating, because that is what he is.

He doesnt hate you, you are not ugly, none of this is about you at all. In fact, the reason he hid it from you was because he wanted to keep you as well as play the field.

Its not what relationships in your 30s have come to - its just one guy who isnt worth another minute of your attention or emotion.

Its much better for you that you have found out now before you either wasted your fertility on him or had children with him and ended up tied to him through them forever.

You said yourself you knew what he was like before you got together with him.

LegacyUser

Don't even waste your time with him! Coming from a girl who was cheated on by my most recent ex, tried to make it work,only for more girls to come out from the woodwork.
The funny thing is it doesn't matter how attractive, how successful or kind you are, some people are just prone to cheating. Don't waste your time analysing you'll dive yourself nuts for absolutely no outcome or gain.

silverharp

SnowWhite222 wrote: »

Thank you CaraMay, if only it were that easy!
In time hopefully. I think right now I need to understand why he did it? I'm wrecking my head wondering is it me? Am I a horrible, ugly person that he hates so much to do that? Tinder seems so shallow and conveyer belt like. Is this what relationships in one's 30's has come to?

Ill take tne accusation that hindsight is a wonderful thing but to put it bluntly you were a bit nieve and not a good judge of character. You knew the guy was a player and you thought he was worth having a life long relationship with? Even after he actually cheated on you? As for being a horrible person, absolutely not!
Out of curiosity through the years did your friends or family think he was a bit off?

Keane2baMused

Trust me when I say you will before too long realise that the grass actually can be greener.

I have been in this situation and it almost broke me. I say almost because I realised one day that the complete ass was a waste of air and many years of my life. Guys/women like this are unlikely to ever truly be happy.

You will go on however and meet someone wonderful who treats you like you deserve.

Ursus Horribilis

They say a leopard never changes it's spots. Is that true? There are probably a lot of maybes and caveats involved. What is evident to me is that your boyfriend won't be changing his ways. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and as you can see...

It's nothing personal. I'm sure he thinks you're lovely and wonderful and he might even love you. But obviously not enough to stop philandering. You can't change what he's like or stop him cheating. But you can control your own life and your own actions. You wasted enough of your life and your heart on him. Waste no more of them. If you feel bad now, think about how you'd feel if you were 5 or 10 years down the line and had additional complications like children and a mortgage.

CaraMay

SnowWhite222 wrote: »

Thank you CaraMay, if only it were that easy!
In time hopefully. I think right now I need to understand why he did it? I'm wrecking my head wondering is it me? Am I a horrible, ugly person that he hates so much to do that? Tinder seems so shallow and conveyer belt like. Is this what relationships in one's 30's has come to?

He did it because he's a dog. I was in your shoes and it was the best thing that ever happened me. I gave myself 3 months to whinge and cry and then no more. He was getting no more of my time. Onwards and upwards. It's not you, it's him!! He will never be happy.

kylith

Definitely not you OP. I had a fling with a guy once and I eventually realised I was his bit in the side. His missus was drop dead gorgeous, I'd have given my right arm to look like her, but he just saw an opportunity to but another notch in his bedpost and he took it.

SeaBreezes

I think he maybe my ex as well :-) wanted to marry me, and yet had three other women on the go at the same time (That I KNOW of)
Thankfully, Ireland is small and cheaters are easily caught :-)

I do know the only behaviour I can control is my own.
How other people act and how they treat you is a reflection of themselves only and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your grief will turn to white hot anger, and that is far far easier to deal with, its energising.

Your well rid. Get yourself tested in case the selfish son of a b***** infected you with anything. You deserve much much better. And it will come.

Im sorry there are such heartless monsters in the world. :-(

Ursus Horribilis

CaraMay wrote: »

He did it because he's a dog. I was in your shoes and it was the best thing that ever happened me. I gave myself 3 months to whinge and cry and then no more. He was getting no more of my time. Onwards and upwards. It's not you, it's him!! He will never be happy.

You've insulted a lot of dogs there, CaraMay! You have touched upon something that the OP needs to take on board though. She really needs to be careful she doesn't start wallowing in self pity. This guy is the sort of person who will always cheat, no matter how lovely his wife or girlfriend is. Some people just aren't capable of being faithful or monogamous. He could have hot, swinging from the chandeliers sex every day. A stunningly beautiful girlfriend with the body of a goddess and a lovely personality. For people like this guy, that will never be enough.

Scarinae

SnowWhite222 wrote: »

I'm wrecking my head wondering is it me? Am I a horrible, ugly person that he hates so much to do that? Tinder seems so shallow and conveyer belt like. Is this what relationships in one's 30's has come to?

It definitely isn't you, you said he had a reputation for this before you even got together. It certainly doesn't mean you're horrible and ugly either, it can happen to anyone - think of some of the celebrities who have been cheated on despite being absolutely stunning (Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Gwen Stefani, Liz Hurley, Sienna Miller, Cheryl Cole, Eva Longoria, Uma Thurman etc), if it was about looks then it wouldn't have happened to any of them.

Also, Tinder itself doesn't cause cheating - it's just another way to meet people, I know people who have met partners on Tinder so it isn't solely for hookups. Chances are that if he didn't use Tinder he would have met women some other way instead.

Well done for being brave enough to walk away instead of wasting any more of your life on this sh1tweasel. I know you must be in a lot of pain right now, and that's ok - talk to your friends and family, cry if you need to, get it all out. When you are ready for it you will meet someone else who actually deserves you! Best wishes OP x

LegacyUser

Aw thank you each and every one of you for replying. You have me feel so much better. I know rational thinking says this is no reflection on me, just him. Rational thinking has been out the window since I found out all this though.

Says a lot about him that he hasn't even tried to make contact with me since I left. My friend set up a fake Tinder profile and he matched her. He instantly messaged her, giving her his phone number and asking her to meet. Bastard thought so little of our 6 year relationship that he wouldn't even try to come after me but can be slutting around on Tinder while I cried and lay awake last night. I feel 6 years of my life has been a goddamn joke, a charade.

I will grieve I imagine. But grieve for my years wasted, not for losing him. He is the lowest form of life, a complete parasite.

I wonder do the girls on Tinder know what they are letting themselves in for?!!

SarahMollie

Good for you OP. It takes time to get over real heartbreak but it does happen in the end.

Maybe you're best off that he's not chasing you this time - he probably knows that he's broken things beyond repair.

Not to say that relationships can never recover from an infidelity, they sometimes can, but not from something like this. He's repeated abused your love and trust. He's not even sorry. He's a systematic cheater and probably always will be.

He sounds totally messed up to me, and long term he would only drag you down. You're so much better off now.

Lean on your friends and stay as far away from him as possible. Block him on all social media and delete his number. Out of sight, out of mind - its not a magic solution but it really does help.

lelo100

Thank God you have found out what he is like. You get to start again and live a good life. Learn from your mistakes and choose more wisely in the future in relationships with men. I wish you the very best of luck and I hope in the future you meet and good and decent man who will Value you and treat you with respect 😊

Cupcake_Crisis

I'm a big believer in second chances, which you have this guy. He abused that too. I hate to say it op, but if you stick with this guy this will be your life. He has no intentions of changing

Lavinia

SowWhite222 wrote: »

I will grieve I imagine. But grieve for my years wasted, not for losing him.

I am sure you would prefer it to be 6 rather then 8 or 10 :pac:
It is always better sooner than later so you should actually celebrate and I would say - congrats on the breakup! Finally!

Take your time to grieve but not too long, your life is waiting for you : )

Wishing you all the best