Issues

Jenneke87

Hi there,

Perhaps a bit trival compared to the other threads here, but could use some advice. After being a social recluse for some years I decided I needed a social life, and since I play an instrument I thought it would be nice to find someone to meet up with and make some music together. I placed an "add"on a fb page dedicated to that kind of thing and another woman, quite a bit older than me responded. We met up and seemed to get along well enough and decided to meet up every forthnight at her place to play our instruments and have a good time together.

The thing is that I feel this friendship? is every onesided: She talks and I listen, and it has been this way since the beginning. I didn't mind it that much at first, because everyone does that when they first meet, but it's getting tedious now. I don't believe she has ever asked me any questions or shown an interest in my life or me as a person, while I feel like I know her whole life's story by now and it's making me want to meet up with her less and less and I don't know how to bring that up with her.

Another thing is that I've noticed is that these are the type of people that I tend to attracted. They all tell me everything about themselves, but never ask me anything or show any interest in me as a person. If I tell something, it's usually ignored or talked over, even with family members. If I don't contact them, they won't contact me, but as soon as we meet up, it's me being a soundboard and they are venting for hours on end while I just sit there....

When I hear/read about people who have mutually rewarding friendship the only thing I think is:"I've never had that, once.", and I'm not sure how to change that.

Thanks for reading

LegacyUser

I don't mean this to trivialise or dismiss your problem, but so what? I mean, what's the harm? You're getting to end your social isolation in return for nothing more demanding than a bit of listening, which personally I would find relaxing as it would take me out of my own thoughts for a few hours. You also get to play your music with someone else, which was the primary purpose of the exercise. All in all, sounds quite nice to me and I would be quite happy with this arrangement. In fact, now that I think about it, I am, I have an older friend I play a sport with and while our exchange might be more balanced than yours, it's really much the same thing and it's probably my most valuable friendship. I wouldn't be looking to change this if I was you, I'd keeping smiling and listening and remembering it's only a couple of hours every other week that you'd miss if it ended suddenly.

zoobizoo

Meet up with more people.

The more people you meet, you get to know what type of people you want to hang out with.

Some people go through life talking about themselves and never asking questions - it's bizarre. They just ahve no interest in others.

In a club of which I am a member, there is a guy like this. Everything always revolves around him and never asks you anything. I just ignore him now. I won't stand beside him at a bar and if he comes near, I'll move.

that being said, there are other people who I can chat to.

Jay Pentatonic

It's very rare to find people these days who are genuinely patient and willing to listen to others, so maybe try to see it as having a good quality.

But if you'd like to mix with other people (and there's no harm in anyone wanting that), then there are a good few groups on meetup.com that are especially for music/jamming sessions. They're usually really busy, so chances are you'll meet a wide range of people.
Might be worth checking out if you find listening to this lady tiresome.

However, if you don't speak much among people because of confidence issues, then it's important (and only fair to yourself) to address those issues. But if you don't speak much among people because you're simply a quiet person and are naturally more inclined to listen, then that's ok. It's important to be comfortable with yourself and allow yourself to live your life being who you are.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Jenneke

I think all relationships are unequal to some extent and IMO that's only a problem if you think its a problem.

What I'm sort stumbling around at is, if this woman asked you all sorts of questions about your life - why did you do that, and why didn't she. Can you see that that could be quite tiring to sit through. Maybe then you'd almost feel like you were being cross examined.

I wonder do you give her the openings to ask you things? Is she being overly polite?

"Sorry I'm not really with it today, I'm a bit worried about my neighbour/brother"

zoobizoo

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi Jenneke

..., if this woman asked you all sorts of questions about your life - why did you do that, and why didn't she. Can you see that that could be quite tiring to sit through. Maybe then you'd almost feel like you were being cross examined.
"

There's a difference between someone not being nosy and being genuinely interested.

Maybe you ahve never experienced someone who just talks about themselves and asks you nothing - when you first experience it, it comes across as really strange. You're in a conversation, but you are not part of it, you are not contributing to it and in the end, you get nothing from it.

First time it happened to me on holidays - American lad started chatting to me... I was travelling alone so cool. Said hello etc.. he then started telling me all his travel tales.. woudn't allow me to interject.....then told me all about his family.... it went on and on.

I got up, walked over to three girls who were in close proximity and asked them to rescue me..... they had heard everything and saved me.

So OP, you learn that you do not have to put up with these types of people.

Go out and meet some less selfish people.

Rubberchikken

you need to expand your circle. meet more people.
some people are selfish and will take and never give to someone who is willing to listen to them.
conversation like friendship is two way, and this friendship certainly isn't.

it's great you took that first step. now you need to keep going until you find friends who really are that.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're looking for too much from her. It would be better to see her as someone you play music with and a reason to get out of the house. A friendly acquaintance. Work on widening your social circle. If you meet more people you'll get better at socialising and hopefully find some less self centered folk.

Lavinia

You called her to play music. Is this going well and do you enjoy that?

On the other side if you want more from that acquaintance, did you make her aware of that?

She may be just an open person and also unaware of your feelings or intentions.

Could it be it is your turn to open up?