First ICSI - nothing to transfer

Ms.Maggie

Hi everyone,

I've been a reader of this forum for a good while but this is my first time to post. I am 4 days after egg collection on my first ICSI. We collected 14 eggs and on day 1, 7 had fertilized and "were developing perfectly". I've just received my update from the clinic regarding embryo transfer, which was to take place tomorrow and it looks like we have nothing to transfer. There is one that they're still watching (an 8 cell that has compacted very slightly) but everything else has pretty much stayed the same. They'll call me tomorrow about the one that is still hanging on about possibly transferring on Tuesday but to be honest I am just about out of positivity and hope right now.

I'm absolutely devastated. I wasn't naive enough to think that our first attempt would be the answer to our prayers but I at least thought we'd get to transfer and maybe have something to freeze (we were told this was a definite possibility all the way through the process) so to get this news today is like a punch in the stomach.

We have thrown everything at this cycle and I can't think of what I could have done/could do differently to change the outcome. The thoughts that all of the effort and sacrifice we've put in were for absolutely nothing is just too much to even comprehend right now. If we had 7 perfect looking embryos a couple of days ago, what could have changed? What could be the problem? Does anyone have any experience of this?

I know my judgement is clouded at the moment and it's not the time to be making decisions, but is it even worth going again if there's something fundamentally wrong that makes our embryos stop growing? I'm sorry if that sounds dramatic but I just can't get my head around it!

I'd love to hear of any similar stories that have gone on to have a different outcome on a subsequent cycle. I'm finding it really hard to summon any sort of hope at the moment.

Thanks for reading! It feels good to even write this all down.

fits

I am sorry to hear that. No story to tell I am afraid, but I hope it works out for you.

Neyite

I haven't gone through any IVF procedures myself, but I think that they usually do a review of your unsuccessful cycle and go through it with you. You may get answers that you need then.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

LCD

Am very sorry to hear. Egg retrival & fertilization was the only positive thing so far in our ICSI journey

stickybean

Hi there darling,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I have a mildly similar experience, we have also been through ICSI. We got 12 eggs, 11 fertilised and 9 made it to say 3, we were over the moon, then the numbers dropped. We got 2 to day 5 and 1 to day 6. As I was over stimulated we had to freeze all. We thought okay at least we have 3 trys, but like you I was concerned why the numbers dropped by 75%....

On out FET day the first blast did make it through the warming process, the second did and we got a BFN. 2 months later we did another FET, again we made it through the warm but we got another BFN.

At both review meetings I asked simular questions to what I imagine you are asking yourself, it it my eggs, was it the sperm, why did it not work, what can we change.... and many more... searching for blame and answers....

It was really tough, like you we invested everything into those cycles, emotionally, physically and financially. In the end we were left with a lot of unanswered questions...

The clinic said the fact that we got eggs and we responded to the meds and that they fertilized are all really good start points as many people struggle to get to.

We have changed a few things about our next cycle (which we started on Saturday). We were only proceeding IF we can use the Embryoscope. I have read in depth how this can help embyro survival as they are monitored as oppose to being moved and checked. I am also trying different meds (they do the same things gonal F and puregon but can have slightly different results).

I found the first two cycles very hard on me, I lost a lot of hope and wanted to through the towel in. I did go and speak to a counselor which really helped me to talk everything through and remove a lot of the blame I was feeling.

I know right now it feels very painful and hard to grasp at a positive (believe me, I have been there), all I can say is in time, you will feel better and stronger. After your follow up visit your clinic will be able to give you some answers and guidance.

I hope you get good news from your call today, but if you don't try to take a positive in that you got some eggs and they fertilised, that is such a big thing. Thinking of you xxxx

Ms.Maggie

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and thoughts, and especially to Stickybean for sharing your story with me.

As expected, our final embryo gave up the fight and we got confirmation today. It's been a real rollercoaster! Luckily we were both due to take today off work for the transfer so we went ahead with that and it has at least been some sort of comfort to go through this together. Back to work and reality tomorrow though, so I'm just praying I can keep it together in front of other people. I haven't done a very good job of that today.

Stickybean, I am wishing you the very best of luck with your current cycle. I'll be keeping an eye out for updates here. Our consultant is going to call my husband on Thursday morning for a review (I can't talk in the mornings and we would have had to wait a MONTH for an afternoon call!!) so I'm hoping we get some answers/closure/hope from that.

This really is such a tough journey, that no one deserves to be sent on and I hope you all get your happy endings soon! xxx

Ms.Maggie

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and thoughts, and especially to Stickybean for sharing your story with me. It's a comfort to know that others know what this is like. It must have been awful for you too, I'm sorry. I am also thinking of giving the clinic counselor a call to set up an appointment. I feel like I could use some help with coping mechanisms. I'm glad to hear that you feel it helped you.

As expected, our final embryo gave up the fight and we got confirmation today. It's been a real rollercoaster! Luckily we were both due to take today off work for the transfer so we went ahead with that and it has at least been some sort of comfort to go through this together. Back to work and reality tomorrow though, so I'm just praying I can keep it together in front of other people. I haven't done a very good job of that today.

Stickybean, I am wishing you the very best of luck with your current cycle. I'll be keeping an eye out for updates here. Our consultant is going to call my husband on Thursday morning for a review (I can't talk in the mornings and we would have had to wait a MONTH for an afternoon call!!) so I'm hoping we get some answers/closure/hope from that.

This really is such a tough journey, that no one deserves to be sent on and I hope you all get your happy endings soon! xxx

stickybean

Aw Miss Maggie, I am so sorry your little bean didn't make it x

Take some time if you can and be good to yourself. You have a loss and it will take some time to feel strong again, but I promise, even though it is tough right now and will be for the next few days, weeks, months, it will get better - TRUST ME xxx

If you feel up to it write some questions you would like your OH to ask, if you can't be there. Or discuss with him what you want to get from the conversation. Just in case there is something he will forget x

I wish I could give you a big hug. Know that we are all here if you need to talk to someone who understands, take care my dear and hopefully when you are stronger we will see you back here xxx

Intothesea

Hello Ms Maggie. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's not clear if your first ICSI round is also your first IVF round, but if it is there are a few things you can keep in mind to help balance your feelings about it. The first is that the first trial of this is like an experiment in a lot of ways and the results may well speak to your specialist about any number of factors that he controlled and arranged for that need to be tweaked. The second is that it is very *very* encouraging that you produced so many eggs that were capable of being fertilized on the first go-round. The third is that 4 days is a long time in a petri dish for an embryo and some women's embryos are just very sensitive to being out of the usual environment. If this is recognised your specialist will move to 3 day transfers.

I hope that helps and the very best of luck with it in the future.

Ms.Maggie

Thanks for your lovely words Stickybean - it really does mean a lot! I will definitely be writing down some questions for my OH to ask and hopefully we'll get some answers, or some hope for the future out of the call. I made an appointment with the clinic counsellor today. It's not for 3 weeks but I'm glad the appointment is set now. Thanks again so much for your encouragement and kindness xxx

Intothesea, you're right it was my first IVF too so what you said has given me a lot of hope and a good dose of positivity - thank you so much. It was very hard to take any positives from it when it all ended so abruptly but I will definitely try and focus on the points you mentioned. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! xxx