Tricky problem at work

LegacyUser

Dear everyone.

I am going incognito because am a regular poster and would rather avoid people knowing who is involved in this story.

However, any sort of help would be appreciated as it's making every day a bit of an ordeal.

I'll try to not write too much, even though I don't want to miss anything important out.

So anyway, last October I started a new job. There are 20 or so of us in the office.

Now there is this girl who sits relatively near me. I'm 36 and she's 27 by the way.

I must admit that she is reasonably attractive, so I did try to talk to her properly first chance I got. However, if anyone has ever spoken to anyone and come up with immediate awkwardness when trying to talk to that person, you'll realise how our first proper interaction went. Extremely cringeworthy basically, with absolutely no flow to the conversation and us seemingly having zero chemistry.

Fair enough I thought, she's just one of those people with whom I'm never going to click, that's life, there are enough colleagues in the office that I don't have worry about focusing on one person where things are a bit awkward.

So for the first three months or so, I didn't really speak to her very much, even though our proximity meant that sometimes it was necessary. She was always polite to me in our brief interactions even though every time I did speak to her, she had that rabbit in the headlights look, as if I was going to reveal some deep dark secret about her to the whole office.Scared essentially. This didn't make me feel particularly comfortable as you can imagine.

Now around the end of January or so, it was just us two and a couple of others sitting around at lunchtime so I thought I'd try to talk to her again. It once again seemed a bit awkward at the start, but she opened up a lot more this time and we had a reasonably friendly conversation. Then a few days later to my surprise she actually approached me and again we spoke for a few minutes, again not exactly hugely deep and meaningful, but she definitely seemed to be getting more comfortable around me.

After that she actually started teasing me a bit, which again was a shock. She can see my screen from where she sits, and started going on about the non-work related stuff I was doing (such as Boards ). Then she came up behind me once when I was listening to music and tried to scare me by touching my shoulders quite suddenly. I was a bit bemused at this quite sudden change in behaviour.

Then about two weeks ago, the teasing and comments became very frequent, she came to my desk a lot, and was always making some comment about what I was doing. Or she'd burst out laughing when I said something. She is from the Netherlands and finds the way I speak English a bit difficult and different, I guess she is more used to American-style accents, as she hasn't been in Ireland that long, less than a year. But yeah, nearly every time I said something or she passed my desk she'd come out with some remark. I normally don't mind girls having a bit of banter, but this behavioural turn-around was so stark that I didn't really respond at all, I just smiled at her every time.

We had a team lunch then on Monday and she sat beside me. And as soon as she sat down she seemed like she was trying to antagonise me, she kept saying things that I saw as an attempt to wind me up and this went on for the whole couple of hours, all sorts of stuff ranging from how stupid I was, how she could never understand me, to saying I was a party animal and claiming I had ordered stuff from the menu which I obviously hadn't. Although I must state none of this was in a particularly nasty way, it was always in a fairly jokey tone, it was just the sheer amount of things she was saying. It almost reminded me of a guy trying to badly chat up a girl by putting her down all the time or something. Again I didn't react at all to her provocation, mainly because I was so tired after a tough weekend I was having trouble keeping my eyes open and could hardly come up with witty retorts.

So the issue is that suddenly it feels kind of uncomfortable with this girl at work. I don't really want to involve management (yet), one because I don't think she's being malicious, and two I don't want to create a bad atmosphere within the team, as I get on pretty well with everyone else. I asked some colleagues why she was doing this and they said that she was trying to push my buttons and get a reaction out of me. I mean, yes, this wasn't particularly helpful, I figured that one out myself! Just why is the question. I admit I do talk to a lot of other people in the team a lot and I don't know if she feels left out or something. I did try being polite to her at the lunch and talk about normal stuff, but she just seemed so belligerent and kept trying to start an argument over petty things, so it was pointless really.

I guess my question is can anyone suggest how to resolve this issue? As I say I would prefer to avoid going to management if at all possible. I'm not really used to being teased this much by a woman that I don't know particularly well. Ironically enough if it were a man I think I would be able to handle it much better, I would know exactly how far I can go and what I can say with a male. But with her...I don't know, I always get the feeling she is deep down a nice person so I don't want to retort with an insult. But I do feel that if she keeps the teasing eventually I'll snap and that will look bad in a work environment. I would go speak to her also, but I don't know..it seems a bit weird asking to stop teasing me. Or perhaps this is just me over-thinking, I don't know. Just the situation is getting rather uncomfortable at work now.

Anyway thanks for reading and if anyone can offer any helpful advice it will be much appreciated!

ongarboy

I really think you're being premature to even consider involving management at this stage. Firstly, you need to quantify to yourself how you are feeling exactly every time this happens with this colleague. Secondly, I would then have a private word with her and just state that what you thought had started off as friendly banter and teasing has now become a little over bearing and making you uncomfortable and that you'd prefer if she didn't go heavy on all these jibes and mock insults. This may be enough for her to stop whatever she was doing. It's possible there is a cultural and language gap and the fact you have differing senses of humour that are compounding the issue. Perhaps she can explain that it was never her intention to offend and that there was a possible misconstruing of information and you can both laugh it off. If she still doesn't get it and the teasing/tormenting continues, I suggest you then start documenting each incident with date and time and present it to her at a later date explaining that you will be making a complaint to management with this fact-sheet if she doesn't stop. You can also document and time your attempts to resolve the situation with her and which failed. I think if the issue still persisted at this point, you would have a good case to raise with management at that point for either harrassement or bullying.

I'm a bit wary of you saying that if it was a guy, you wouldn't have an issue but because it's a girl, it's a problem? Imagine explaining that to your manager if you were making a bullying claim or formal complaint. It really wouldn't go down well because bullying is bullying regardless of gender and may undermine the validity of the issue to your detriment.

dreamerb

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable, but it sounds to me like she's a maybe a bit confused herself - recent immigrant, and probably trying to work out how Irish cultural norms work. If you didn't grow up slagging people, imagine how you try to start! And I think she may be trying to start with slagging you, not for bad reasons: you've been pleasant to her so she feels safe using you as a foil / comedy straight man.

If, thinking back, you think this might be a fair interpretation, you've a few options - (1) Ignore and hope she quits through lack of response; (2) have a (hopefully) friendly private conversation with her, just letting her know you're not happy with public teasing "I know you probably don't mean to, but I'm a bit uncomfortable with ..."; (3) bring it to management as you mentioned yourself (but hopefully as an issue for communication rather than outright complaint); or (4) well, other approaches I haven't thought of.

I'd be inclined to some version of 1 or 2 - if you think my interpretation isn't mad, and of course I'm reading things in myself. You also said yourself you may be overthinking, but of course you're the person who knows how you feel and how uncomfortable you are or what you can live with.

Whatever way you decide to deal with it, best of luck and hope it all works out. And I reckon gender probably shouldn't affect your approach:).

Jan Laco

I would tell her directly and not go to management. I don't think management would be impressed that it can't be sorted between the two of you. Most interviews have problem resolving questions and going straight to management is never the best answer.

And in my opinion she fancies you. Her 'rabbit in the headlights' look might be nervous expectation rather than fear. And the rest.

jennyhayes123

I'm confused are you male or female?

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for all your replies! I'll expand a bit more later on, but am running out the door now as we speak.

@jennyhayes123: I'm male, sorry if it wasn't obvious from the text!

Ursus Horribilis

Well, the OP's username is Manwithtrickysituationatwork so I assume it's a man

Queen-Mise

It honestly sounds like she is coming onto to you in that clumsy teenager type way....

Is there any chance of that?

It could also be she is a bit socially inept, trying to be friendly and not getting it quite right.

power pants

I Cant explain why but Im getting more the impression the woman thinks op is a fool than fancying him

CaraMay

Hr? That's like crushing a walnut with a jackhammer. Talk to her and tell her you are uncomfortable. No need to create unnecessary drama.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for all your help here, it's great to get neutral opinions as opposed to people from the office who will be inevitably biased one way or another.

I have actually been off ill for the past couple of days, so have no real time updates as it were since I started the thread. But it has enabled me to think things through a bit and thanks to many people here I have a better idea what needs to be done should things be the same on Monday.

@ongarboy: You're right to say that getting management involved would be a bit OTT. After all, we are both grown ups and no major boundaries have been crossed. We should be able to sort it out between the two of us somehow. Now I wouldn't normally do something like you suggest, ie recording every incident, but perhaps it's worth a try here should things continue.

I suppose what I meant by me finding it more uncomfortable with a girl than a guy is that I'm used to going out with large groups of lads and having a lot of banter exchanged and sort of know what to do in order to keep someone in check if they are a man. Whereas with women, it has tended to be the ones I know very well who tease me, which is generally fine and the ones that don't, don't...which is where the confusion comes from here, as this girl still doesn't know me particularly well. But yeah, I wouldn't say this in front of anyone in authority of course.

@dreamerb: Your theory is possible, but on the balance of probability unlikely, given other colleagues told me she has other Irish friends and goes out with them quite a bit. I may yes be seen as 'safe' which is something that I'll come to later, there's always a fine line between someone feeling comfortable with you and feeling so comfortable that they start to take advantage. I have been using your (1) theory up to now, but this hasn't really worked, especially at the lunch, when she almost seemed to have an agenda to make me lose my cool.

@Jan Laco, Queen-Mise, power pants: Half the time I think that the first two of you are right and the other half I think power pants may be on the money.

I did think for a long time that she bizarrely enough liked me, given she initially seemed very uncomfortable around me, and then gradually started asking me lots of questions about myself, even on on occasion actually being late for an appointment with someone else because she lost track of time when we were talking. Then she always commented on stuff I did, she laughed at a lot of the things I said etc etc. Plus all the teasing. I personally wouldn't tease someone unless I was friendly with them/or liked them. And as I mentioned at the lunch, it sort of reminded me a bit of my teenage years when a girl or guy likes someone so much that the only way they can interact with them is to put them down all the time...also trying to demonstrate in front of everyone that this person is the last person they would go for...when their mind is thinking differently. Maybe she does like me and is just really really bad at flirting/showing her intentions?

But then this is a 27 year old attractive lady, not an awkward 14 year old girl. You'd presume she'd be fairly adept at flirting by this stage. Plus I keep thinking back to the first time we spoke and that horrible chemistry we had. When we do speak she sometimes doesn't seem hugely interested if I start talking about myself. She may just see me as a figure of fun now that she knows I won't bite her head of if she says something. There is also a Dutch guy from another department and he comes in sometimes. I have heard her mention my name at least twice in their conversations, which I find disrespectful as I can't understand what they are saying. And as I mentioned earlier she may just uses me for comic effect now that she's comfortable with me. Although I do notice that in recent weeks that on the one or two occasions that I've met her in the kitchen or something, with just us two there, she does seems a bit nervous again, all the teasing is always done for an audience.

@CaraMay: Yeah I don't think after consideration it would be a good idea to report a problem to a third party. I may well have to speak to her at some stage if things continue in the same way.


Yeah I don't know, I was also thinking about maybe going on the attack a bit, if she comes out with any remarks this week, instead of smiling and ignoring her, (as this clearly isn't working) I may come back with a barbed comment of my own. I don't want to say anything too bad as I don't want to be hurtful to her or anything like that, it's not really in my nature, but if I can maybe make fun out of her slightly, she may think twice about coming out with so many comments in the future.

Again I don't want to seem like I am blowing my own trumpet or anything, but I do think with an awful lot of the team I'm quite popular and I speak to at least 5-7 people quite regularly and as far as I know they enjoy our conversations.

She may not fancy me, but perhaps she does see this and feels slightly jealous? I don't know? And perhaps the teasing is an attempt to give her attention as well? Again, it's a slightly out there theory, but stranger things have happened, especially when you factor in human competitive/jealous nature in groups.

Anyway thanks again for your opinions and we'll see what happens this week!

CaraMay

Next time she does it, I would just say very sweetly, 'X, if would appreciate if you could drop the smart comments from now on. Thanks'. Job done.

Sound Bite

It seems to me you are hoping she does fancy you. Can't think of another reason for all of the in depth over analysis.

She's annoying and awkward rather than nasty so I'd either just let it slid or deal with it as simply as Caramay suggested above.

LegacyUser

Yea it's coming across you're insecure as to how she feels about you and it does seem you care too much whether this attractive 27 year old likes you or not. If it was a very unattractive woman or a guy it wouldn't bother you, and you definitely wouldn't be even thinking about it. Yes it would be nice to know she has a crush on you, good for the ol confidence and ego and you'd be able to handle the situation and maybe flirt back, or be nice to her and you would know why she is talking to you. But at the moment it is annoying you that she is fairly confident you find her attractive and is just messing with you. If it's making you that uncomfortable it's neither here nor there if she fancies you, you need to get over yourself and tell her the remarks are annoying you.

OnTheCouch

Tricky one OP.

I don't think your situation is as severe as the other work related thread here, but it can't be a walk in the park either.

I also did initially think she liked you, but on further reflection believe that she sees you more as a curiosity than a potential romantic interest. It seems that for an adult she's being just too disrespectful to you to indicate any strong feelings on her part. As the above poster says, I think you'd like if she were interested, although if she's striking, this would be normal enough, for the ego boost if nothing else. I'd advocate like most of the others, to either go speak to her directly, or next time she comes out with a stupid comment, try to embarrass her by saying something she won't like the rest of the colleagues hearing. Either way, it's all well and good being nice, but you have to stand up for yourself here, as her behaviour is verging on bullying.

Couple more questions. You say you're quite popular in the office, is she also? Or is she reasonably quiet? If she is used to getting all the attention, she may not like you stealing her thunder and may slag you off to stop you getting ideas above your station.

beks101

So essentially you work with someone who's a bit annoying and socially awkward with you?

If it was me I'd probably just go into social shutdown with her. Ignore the comments and wisecracks, give an expressive pause each time she directs an unwelcome comment your way, maybe a "sorry? Can you say that again?" and then another pause if/when she repeats herself.

It doesn't sound like the attention is a barrel of laughs, but all the same I think your over-analysis of her every move is a bit OTT. She's a bit odd, there's lost-in-translation issues or she fancies you and has an awkward way of showing it. Sh1t happens when you work in an office. Shut it down and move on with your day.