Should I be upset about the comment?

LegacyUser

I'm in my late teens, and recently experienced a life-changing trauma. I haven't been the same since and have developed anxiety disorder fairly badly. With the anxiety, I have developed a number of habits I didn't have before, such as pulling my hair subconsciously, picking my skin and ripping the edges of pages. Basically I've become very fidgety. I'm getting counselling to try and help with all of this but it's still a long road to come.

Most embarrassing of all, I've started to subconsciously pick my nose all the time. I try to be aware of these habits in public, but sometimes my wandering mind gets the better of me and I start doing one of them without realising.

So today, I had a really bad day and felt very anxious. I was on the DART home which was half full, and a woman sat down opposite me. She was a bit old to be my mum, but a bit young to be my grandmother. Anyway, I started picking at my nose unfortunately, when I heard her mumble something my direction. I looked up, saying 'Pardon?' to indicate I hadn't heard her. She then said, pretty loudly may I add, "Don't pick your nose in public, that's disgusting".

I was honestly so shocked I didn't know what to say. I know it was immature, but in the moment all I could think to say was "Okay, just please don't talk to me". When I had a few more minutes to gather my thoughts, I really wanted to say something to her about her not knowing me or my situation and keeping her thoughts to herself, but the moment had passed and the DART had filled up at that stage.

In all honesty I can see why she was disgusted because it isn't a nice habit etc. etc., but if a family member or close friend was with me and saw me doing one of my habits, they would gently move my arm away or say it to me quietly. What upset was that I didn't know this woman, she was looking at me with such disgust and half shouted to the whole carriage what I'd done. In retrospect I should have moved seats when there was some left but I was so shocked in the initial minutes after that I was glued to the seat. I really wish she had kept her sneering to herself. I just cried the whole walk home and it's been bothering me all evening. Would any of you make a comment to someone if you saw something like that?

SATSUMA

I'm sorry for your troubles OP.

To be fair I'd be pretty grossed out if you were beside me on public transport picking your nose.

I wouldn't expect you to have a disorder where you don't realise you're doing it. I don't think it's fair to assume people would consider that.

I honestly wish you well in your recovery and I am sorry that this is happening to you.

LegacyUser

SATSUMA wrote: »

I'm sorry for your troubles OP.

To be fair I'd be pretty grossed out if you were beside me on public transport picking your nose.

I wouldn't expect you to have a disorder where you don't realise you're doing it. I don't think it's fair to assume people would consider that.

I honestly wish you well in your recovery and I am sorry that this is happening to you.

Thanks very much, I appreciate that.

I agree with you and completely understand that too, I even gross myself out when I realise that I'm doing it. It's rotten.

What most upset me was her basically announcing it to the carriage.. I mean would you feel compelled enough to say something? I felt so humiliated and pointed out. I just wished she had either looked away and kept it to herself or else moved seats if it was disgusting her that much. Very much feeling like not leaving the house tomorrow.

PinkLemonade

I don't want to come across as unsympathetic OP, but for every rude person on the dart speaking their mind there's a hundred more that sit there extremely uncomfortable. I find public transport very overwhelming and if you were beside me and picking your nose I would be extremely tense and stressed.
I'm not saying it's your fault or she's in the right, but there's more than one way to look at things

LegacyUser

PinkLemonade wrote: »

I don't want to come across as unsympathetic OP, but for every rude person on the dart speaking their mind there's a hundred more that sit there extremely uncomfortable. I find public transport very overwhelming and if you were beside me and picking your nose I would be extremely tense and stressed.
I'm not saying it's your fault or she's in the right, but there's more than one way to look at things

Yeah, I see what you mean, thanks for that.

I suppose I'm so wrapped up in my own stuff that I was very thrown by the whole thing and felt quite publicly victimised. Always important to look at it in more than one way, thanks.

Xterminator

A stranger on the train/bus/street isnt going to know your troubles.

But they will think 'thats disgusting' if they see you pick your nose. Any they wont make allowances in their minds. Most people would not call you on it, but some will and i think that's fair enough.

im sorry you were upset by the episode. But you don't seriously think it was ok to have a rummage in your nose sitting next to someone on a train?

X

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

im sorry you were upset by the episode. But you don't seriously think it was ok to have a rummage in your nose sitting next to someone on a train?

X

No, I don't think it was okay at all, I'm aware of that and never said it was okay.

But as I said, I was upset about the manner in which she addressed it, rather than the fact that she was grossed out. I understand her being grossed out.

I was mortified as it was when I realised I was doing it. Had I realised before, I obviously would have stopped. She could have quietly said it to me within the seat of four we were in, she was sitting right across from me. I honestly wanted to jump out the window when she let most of the carriage know.

Anyway, the point of my original post was not to talk about whether nose picking is/isn't acceptable. I know it isn't. I'm disgusted enough at myself as it is. All I wanted to know is if other people would say it out loud to someone or keep it to themselves, that's all I was asking.

Ursus Horribilis

Sometimes something a stranger does can strike a nerve. A few months ago I was in a supermarket and there was a middle-aged couple doing their food shopping. The husband really should've been left at home because the man was coughing and spluttering almost non-stop. Mostly in on top of the food of the food that was in the fridges. I was really tempted to go over and say it was a good job the food in the fridge was well packaged. I didn't in the end but something about what he was doing really annoyed me.

In answer to your question, yes sometimes people can get so irritated by something that they can't help but say something. Or they feel they need to say something. I would be utterly disgusted if I was sitting near you and while I'm not sure I'd say something out loud, the thoughts would definitely cross my mind.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

In answer to your question, yes sometimes people can get so irritated by something that they can't help but say something. Or they feel they need to say something. I would be utterly disgusted if I was sitting near you and while I'm not sure I'd say something out loud, the thoughts would definitely cross my mind.

Yeah, that makes sense. I need to keep working on eradicating the fidgeting and find a way to deal with it, I hate to be that one disgusting everybody. Thanks for the response.

njs030

I don't think she did anything wrong by commenting, you said yourself the first time it was a quiet voice and after you asked her to repeat herself she said it loudly.

She doesn't know you or your issues but you don't her issues either, maybe she freaks out about germs!
I don't think many people are aware of an illness that makes you pick your nose subconsciously so it's not as if she could have known.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

I don't think she did anything wrong by commenting, you said yourself the first time it was a quiet voice and after you asked her to repeat herself she said it loudly.

She doesn't know you or your issues but you don't her issues either, maybe she freaks out about germs!
I don't think many people are aware of an illness that makes you pick your nose subconsciously so it's not as if she could have known.

Fair enough, thanks

beks101

OPhere wrote: »

All I wanted to know is if other people would say it out loud to someone or keep it to themselves, that's all I was asking.

Public transport is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you'll get

OP I live in London and witness muttering and snide remarks and yelling and aggression on the bus and the tube on a daily basis. And for far more trivial things than nose picking. Throw a bunch of rushed, stressed, tired, pissed off strangers onto an overcrowded train together and these are just inevitabilities.

Nose picking is an unfortunate symptom as it's a bit taboo and unlikely to provoke a neutral reaction in almost anyone, as illustrated in this thread. People will be anything from shocked to disgusted to amused by it and virtually no-one will assume it's a subconscious symptom of a deeper problem. I've never heard of it and I'd have a fair bit of personal experience dealing with people with mental health issues. It's not something people would know.

Sadly you met a shouty aul wagon, but this is the risk you take with this kind of public behaviour.

I think you need to focus less on this particular woman's reaction to you though and focus on your own recovery. Aside from working through your issues with your counsellor, are there practical steps you can take to combat the nose picking when you're out in public? Perhaps you could sit on your hands, chew gum, listen to music or something?

dreamerb

notjustsweet wrote: »

I don't think she did anything wrong by commenting, you said yourself the first time it was a quiet voice and after you asked her to repeat herself she said it loudly.

She doesn't know you or your issues but you don't her issues either, maybe she freaks out about germs!
I don't think many people are aware of an illness that makes you pick your nose subconsciously so it's not as if she could have known.

Meh. I think she did something wrong in commenting. Even germ freaks (the ones who can bear pubic transport in the first place) are perfectly aware they aren't getting germs from other people picking their noses.

OP, I do understand that other people might be a bit uncomfortable, but based on your account I'd have said she was out of order. I'm a narky middle aged woman and I would never behave like that!

I'm very sorry you're going through a bad time. I hope the counselling is helping, and that you have good support from family and friends. All the best.

PressRun

I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles, OP. I've had issues similar to yours in the past (compulsively pulling out my hair, to be specific), and it can be very difficult to control. Even if you do notice yourself doing it, it can be hard to stop. These issues often arise as coping mechanisms or they even act as a sort of comfort when you feel stressed/upset. It might be worth talking this out with your counselor. It's okay to just talk about how the woman's comments made you feel and allowing yourself to be upset about it for a little while (it does sound like she was rather forthright, more than I would have been in the situation, tbh!). But you should then try and put it to one side and continue working on reducing this behaviour. It definitely takes time, but with the right counselor, you can get to the bottom of these things and find better outlets for coping with trauma or distress.

njs030

dreamerb wrote: »

Meh. I think she did something wrong in commenting. Even germ freaks (the ones who can bear pubic transport in the first place) are perfectly aware they aren't getting germs from other people picking their noses.

By commenting she was being rude but from the other point of view the Op was being rude in the first place.

You definitely can catch someone's germs from nose picking, unless they are using a tissue (which is unlikely if its subconscious) there will be a residue on the persons hands which they are touching doors, seats etc. I would find it quite disgusting myself and I think the Op probably made more people uncomfortable than the loud woman.

Op as previously said maybe you'd benefit from treating this as a way to try and change your behavior. Carry something so your hands are busy or arrange a lift/taxi if you are feeling particularly anxious perhaps?

LLMMLL

I agree with dreamerb. I don't think the woman had some sort of right to pull you up on it. It's part of being on public transport that you have to put up with other people. Their phone conversations, blaring music from earphones, playing video games. I think doing these things is selfish but so is pullin people up on them. It's a kind of "I know what's acceptable and I will enforce my view on others" .

I also think it's not the case that people "can't help themselves" from saying something. They choose to, knowing it will be a public humiliation.

Nobody likes being publicly humiliated OP. It'll probably stay with you a few days and then you'll forget about it. i wouldn't bother getting into a "should I be upset about this" mindset. You are upset and you will get over it.

LegacyUser

In all honesty, I'd feel like puking if I sat opposite someone doing that on the train. I'd want to applaud that woman if I was a nearby passenger.

I know you have your issues, and I'm sorry that's the case - but to be honest that doesn't excuse you doing something in public that most people would find pretty revolting. I think the lady was right to call you out on it.

Bring it up with your counsellor, and try to find a coping mechanism.

Shelga

Even if we all say that you're absolutely right to be upset OP, what good will it do?

You need to focus on the reasons you got so upset and keep working on your anxiety.

Like others have said, this woman wasn't to know about your issues.

GaryTLynch

Sorry to hear about your troubles, OPhere. It's an unfortunate incident and a tough one to call. Personally, I wouldn't say anything unless of course the individual was actually flicking the contents of their nose in my direction. I usually chalk such happenings up to being an unavoidable consequence of using public transport. If I was the lady in question I would have simply moved seats if it was bothering me that much, but that's just me. But on to what's important here, you and your issues. Try not to let this one occurrence affect you too adversely. Rather, use it as a stepping stone. What can you do to help yourself curb these involuntary behaviours? Perhaps read a book while travelling in public? I'm not saying it's the answer or that it will even work, but it may help keep your hands and mind engaged and focused elsewhere which in turn might help prevent it from happening or reduce it? It's just a thought. Overcoming cognitive behavioural issues is all about taking small steps. Don't be too hard on yourself and take it one step at a time. I wish you all the best.

IvyTheTerrible

I'm sorry OPhere that you are anxious but I'd be disgusted if I saw someone picking their nose on public transport. I personally wouldn't say anything but you never know, maybe she has her own issues that made it easier for her to snap (eg I would have been a lot more sensitive to behaviour like that when I had morning sickness, for example).
I think it's important for you to get help dealing with your anxiety.

Heat_Wave

Hey OP, I can relate as I too used to subconsciously pull out hair, eyelashes, eyebrows! Ten minutes would pass and I'd have half my eyelashes missing and I'd burst into tears. So I understand how you must feel.

However I will say, I was on the dart the other morning and a man decided to clip his nails. There were nails flying everywhere. It was possibly one of the most stomach churning incidents I have ever witnessed. I didn't have the b*lls to say anything to him, so I moved seat. I would work really hard on this subconscious habit of yours, as it isn't nice for others either.

Best of luck OP.

Ursus Horribilis

All you can do is take this as a wake up call and take whatever steps necessary to curb your fidgeting. Years ago when I was a teenager I was at the cinema and bought some wrapped sweets which were noisy. The lady sitting right beside me politely asked me to move if I was going to persist in rustling the sweets. Was she right to say something? I'm sure people will have different ideas on that. I felt embarrassed at the time but now I'm glad she said it.

HelgaWard

Hello,
I hope you are feeling better. Your story reminded me of them time I was in Tesco in a daze the day after my 33 year old brother in law passed away, completely suddenly, and an old lady said to me, really loudly, "Cheer up love it might never happen", I had not even noticed her up until this point, so I just said to her "It already did" and kept walking. Basically most people have the cop on to leave other people be, some people don't.

I just wanted to suggest that you get yourself something to fidget with, maybe something you could put on your keys, or a bracelet or necklace. Ideas would be here https://www.therapyshoppe.com/category/1052-fidget-toys-classroom-fidgets-focus-concentration-toys-tools
A necklace or bracelet with beads that you could move forward or back might work. Or bring a puzzle on the train with you, do a crossword or sudoko, something to occupy your mind and prevent you from your current fidgets?

daRobot

@OP

Sorry for your situation firstly. Just know that you met a bit of a bully there, because you can be sure she would have kept her mouth shut
were she on the red luas line with junkie picking at themselves in a far worse manner.

Look, you're doing well to be taking public transport if you have anxiety so fair play for that. Now these behaviours sound like a compulsive resease of nervous energy, especially when you're feeling anxious. Somehow these actions are comforting for you and help you cope.

You don't necessarily have to stop them, but you can try to replace them with something less outwardly obvious - for example, say instead of the nose picking, try to focus your energy on your big toe, and push it firmly against the ground a few times.

It doesn't have to be exactly what's outlined above but you get my drift on focusing on more of an internal strategy.

The anxious behaviour has been learnt at some stage, and it can be unlearned too. It just takes some practice, and going to a good CBT therapist could really speed up this process. Ask your GP for a recommendation, it's the surest way of finding someone suitably skilled.

The very best of luck

Faith

I just want to jump in and second the recommendation that you work with a CBT-trained psychologist. These behaviours are commonly linked to anxiety, and you can learn techniques to keep them under control quite easily. However, not all 'counsellors' will have the skills to work with you on this. If the therapist you're currently seeing isn't directly addressing these behaviours, I'd look for a recommendation for someone else. You can also learn how to stop yourself ruminating on issues like this, which will make it easier to deal with any similar situations that might arise in your future .

SATSUMA

I don't think it's fair or helpful to the OP to call the lady involved a bully. She asked him to stop quietly the OP needed her to repeat it so she did. Perhaps like the OP the lady was also in difficulty and felt ill/ had hearing difficulties? I'm just trying to point out that if we are to be considerate to the fact that the OP is living through a difficult situation then the same sympathy should be extended to the other party involved.

The whole situation was horrible and uncomfortable for EVERYONE involved and name calling and apportioning blame is unhelpful.

OP there are some really valid suggestions in this thread. Be under no illusion that this situation is likely to repeat itself again in the future if you are in a public place picking your nose. You need to try and protect yourself from this possibility. Should you hide away or live in fear? Absolutely not. All you can do is continue to be brave, you are doing great my friend, things will get better for you and it sounds like you are on the right path.

Best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

I used to feel be very overwhelmed and concerned about what people thought of me, friends, family, even total strangers but I read a quote and it totally changed my outlook. "You cannot control what people think - so stop trying to do that" I apply this to alot of situations. The woman didn't like you picking your nose so she informed you of her opinion, you didn't like how she told you but didn't express how rude and ignorant you thought she was. This is why you feel annoyed and upset about what happened, accept that people and their actions are beyond your control, you will be much happier for it.

The Raptor

I come from a village where some old man waits for the bus picking his arse. Another person hasn't washed himself or his clothes in years.

It depends how you pick your nose. Having a pick or a scratch up there is ok. But if a long stream of snot comes out, that's disgusting.

Unless you had a runny nose with snot coming out while picking, it wouldn't bother me.

intheclouds

I think you have to accept that if you are doing something disgusting or socially unacceptable (no matter the reasons why), and you are using public transport, then there is always a chance people will call you out on it.

It's not nice for you, at all, that you are suffering from a condition that causes you to do these things, but you can't be letting random people on public transport upset you about it either.

If you had Tourette's most people would be semi familiar with it and while they might initially be surprised they'd usually be ok about it if they realised it was Tourette's or you said it.

Unfortunately I'm sure most people haven't heard of a nose picking compulsive disorder (I can't say I ever have), so will assume it's wilful or at least just uncaring.

CaraMay

I can't handle snots. I can change nappies no bother but I actually want to heave when I even think of snot. If I was ditting opposite someone picking their nose I would be wondering all sorts and would at minimum move. When I was younger I probably would have said nothing but think I would now. She's not in the wrong.

ManOfMystery

I have to agree with most on here OP, I think what you did could be perceived as rude and you have to accept that.

What if the manifestation of these issues you have wasn't nose-picking, but burping? Would belching in public be acceptable? Or would you expect people (who have no knowledge of what's going on in your head) to find that socially acceptable because they should second-guess that you are dealing with anxiety? I don't see one as any better or worse than the other, but just trying to give you a different slant on things as you seem to feel very 'wronged' by what she said.

Taboola

I think you're being too sensitive. What you were doing is pretty gross regardless of your reasons.

Would farting be acceptable to you?

LegacyUser

Op I'm sorry for your troubles.
I'll share something that might make you feel better. I'm in my late 20s look younger than my actual age and have a long term illness that was only diagnosed last year. I have a free travel card. One day when i was using it on the bus the bus driver said "good for some" I was shocked and didn't manage to say anything. I wanted to shout at him and scream "how dare you!" I was holding back tears the entire time. I would give up a free travel pass to be back to my old self .
People assume by looking at you that,because you are physically sound looking that that's all that matters. Majority of people are ignorant and if you look fine on the outside, they don't even consider the inside.
Don't let it bring you down too much. Just letting you know you're not alone

Marle Meza

There are worse things in life than picking your nose. I have seen people do it. We have all done it at one time or another! I've been on public transport and seen people do it. It does not bother me in the slightest, they could be doing worse.

The lady who spoke to you is probably one of those 'prim n proper women, might even comment on your dress or your hair style. There's always one, I have to say!

Best of luck with your recovery. Take time out to do the things you enjoy!

LegacyUser

I don't think the woman was wrong to say something to you if it was making her feel uncomfortable, but maybe she could have just asked you to stop instead of calling you disgusting or whatever.

I probably wouldn't have commented unless snot or snotty fingers were coming near me or my belongings then I would say something, but some people are just more assertive when they feel bothered which is fine, as I say though maybe she could of just asked you to stop quietly.

Would you consider wearing gloves when in public and maybe even in private too for awhile just to help you get out of the habit? It's still pretty crap cold weather so you could probably get away with wearing gloves for awhile yet.

You do the nosepicking subconsciously, but if everytime it happened you felt the woolly material of a glove near or in your nose it would make you stop and actually consciously notice what you were doing each and every time your finger went near your nose.

After a few days or (maybe a couple of weeks) of this, your brain might just lose the habit of putting your finger near your nose.

I suppose the principle is sort of the same as those foul tasting nail varnishes that are to get people to stop biting their nails subconsciously. These don't always work, but it would be very hard to pick your nose if wearing gloves.

Butterface

I was in a cafe a few days ago and watched a man walking from his table to return a paper to the magazine rack beside the counter. He was picking his nose as he walked,then rolled and flicked, and using the same hand he put the paper back in the rack. I logged a mental note to avoid perusing magazines/papers in cafes or doctor's clinics etc in the future. But then I realised that people handle books and papers in bookshops without buying them and maybe people with snotty fingers could have picked up the book before me. And maybe people with snotty fingers could have touched the door handle of the book shop... or the hand rail on the train.

Christ. Yeah it's not pleasant to watch somebody picking their nose, but in that situation I would turn away and look out the window. I especially wouldn't call out a teenager on this type of behaviour in public. I remember my teenage years, and without the issues that the OP is facing right now, if something embarrassing happened to me then it would cause me to dwell on it for days.

While the lady may not have realised that the OP has this subconscious compulsion, she didn't have the right to project her disgust onto the OP. I see a teenage girl at my Luas stop who sucks her thumb. Outwardly she does not look to have any particular issues. But she's sucking her thumb in public, so I can infer that she perhaps does have something more going on. If I saw a teenager or adult picking their nose for a prolonged period in public without any hint of embarrassment or awareness as to what they were doing, I would also make the assumption that maybe they can't help it, or don't realise they're doing it.

OP, I hope you continue to make progress with whatever it is you're going through.