Blame my husband for everything

LegacyUser

Hey, myself and my husband went through a very very bad time last year. We agreed to stay together and work on our marriage. Fast forward a year.....I am so bitter. And I'll tell you why. Our new baby was only 4 months old when the sh*t hit the fan. He was a d*ck to me, did some stuff but we 'moved on'. During all of this, I was told I had post natal depression.

But now I am stronger and looking back over last year, I don't think I did. Hormonally I was all the place from having a baby and was a little bit up and down but definitely not depressed. I think, however, this gave me husband some sort of solace in the sense of 'ah ok, that's why she flipped out so much when I did a, b and c...'.

I had a new baby to deal with and then all of the troubles he caused to deal with and it was too much for me. It really was, I had a very tough time. Did what I needed to do - counselling, gp etc.

Sorry, jumping all the place here...anyways, what is upsetting me the most today is how bitter I have become towards him, especially because our son is closer to him. I feel that because of all the stuff I had to deal with last year, my bond with my baby was somewhat different.

I feel that I had to sort out everything and deal with all the crap he threw at me while trying to deal with having a baby etc. It upsets me so much when I see my son reach for his daddy when he is upset...we have a lovely little relationship but its not the same as with my other children.

And I blame my husband for this. I really do. I wish I didn't. Because blame is toxic, I know this but no matter how hard I try and just accept it (maybe he just feels closer to his dad, regardless of what happened!), I still go back to last year and go over the months of grief and sadness and anger that I had to deal with and all the while, taking care of a baby.....I'm crying writing this because my heart is broke.

Me and my husband, in my opinion, are coasting. We do the daily routine stuff, put on a brave face but there is a huge gulf between us. Thanks for reading.

osarusan

bitterandsad wrote: »

anyways, what is upsetting me the most today is how bitter I have become towards him, especially because our son is closer to him.

...

It upsets me so much when I see my son reach for his daddy when he is upset...

It seems like this is at the heart of your bitterness, but it seems very irrational to me. It sounds like, because of the difficulties you had, you think it would be fair and right that your son preferred you. Do you think that's rational?

Whatever other problems you might have, and whatever else he might have done, I don't think that this is something you should be nursing any anger about.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe your son is picking up on your bitterness? Whatever it is that happened in your marriage, it seems to have made it toxic. Have you and your husband gone for marriage counselling together? It might be worth it I think. I get the impression from this that you're still very angry towards him and whatever it is that happened, it's not water under the bridge.

Wompa1

<<<SNIP>

Uhhhh....regardless of any of your troubles or how you feel. It's a good thing that your son is close to his father. Dad is a parent too. With so many fathers who are cold towards their children or even absent, it's good that your son has two parents that he loves.

What do you mean by coasting? What is it that you are expecting your husband to do right now that he's not doing? Or is it because you just feel like you're finished with him?

Into The Blue

I think you resent your husband for moving on from last year, while you are still bitter about it.

Your son is just a smokescreen in this.

Deal with your bitterness over last year. Have it out him. Don't let him blame pnd. If you can't reconcile, accept that and move on. Your children will be happier with two parents who are happy apart, rather than miserable and together.

SarahMollie

It seems to me that while venting on Boards might help a little, you probably stopping seeing a counselor too soon if you're still harboring this resentment. Maybe ultimately you need to see someone together.

You seem to objectively know that this is harmful, you used the word "toxic" above which I think is pretty accurate. Accepting this is the first step, but you probably could do with someone else to help you get this resentment off your chest before it crushes you and your marriage.

Is your husband aware of how you still feel?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Just to put it into context - He was unfaithful to me. He slept with someone else.

We did marriage counselling - wasn't great. I still see someone myself which helps...

He is one of the best fathers I have ever seen and I would never ever in my wildest dreams ever take that away from him. He loves his kids with all his heart and they love him. But he f**ked up.

for anyone who has ever had a partner be unfaithful to them, imagine trying to deal with the fallout from it PLUS take care of a newborn PLUS take care of my own mental health and physical health PLUS take care of my other small kids....

I do think that my relationship with my baby was damaged because of the pain I went through and I do blame my husband for that. I am bitter. I'm not going to pussy foot around it.

My husband knows things will never be the same between us. We are really really good at putting on a front for the kids and our families but underneath, we are changed. Both of us. there is still a lot of care and call it friendship if you will and sometimes intimacy but I just cant shake the feeling of bitterness/anger that if things were different, my relationship with my son would be different...I do try, really I do and I really want my marriage to work. I just dont know how to move on and let it all go.

Its like I've dealt with the fact he was unfaithful but now in its place is a resentment towards him because i blame him for damaging my relationship with my son....and when I get over this, will there be something else I can blame on him? I just dont know how to move on.

Roselm

bitterandsad wrote: »

Its like I've dealt with the fact he was unfaithful but now in its place is a resentment towards him because i blame him for damaging my relationship with my son....and when I get over this, will there be something else I can blame on him? I just dont know how to move on.

I held a lot of anger towards someone when I was younger. I felt they had hugely negatively impacted my life. I realised one day that I wasn't letting myself move on and become the best possible me because if I was doing fine then the person would think they hadn't affected me.
I couldn't let them away with thinking everything was ok.
I was wallowing in it, rehashing the ways they had f#cked me up.
I wonder if you are doing something similar.
I had to tell myself that I had to separate myself from the past. That I had to take responsibility for me now and not give the other person that power over me.
It was liberating the way it struck me at the time and it allowed me to acknowledge what had happened but see that now I had the opportunity to change what happened from here on out.

CaraMay

The absolute cheek of him to blame pnd for your upset at his affair.

I know he's a good dad but the relationship is dead op. He seems to have escaped from his bad behaviour totally unscathed which is unjust.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him

Ursus Horribilis

Right now, the person who's damaging the relationship with your baby is YOU. Maybe that's something you should try to bear in mind here. It's not your husband. Your baby doesn't know what happened to mum and dad but there is something wrong with mum that's making him reach for his dad. You also should be concerned about what effect this is having on your other children. Children are surprisingly sharp and they may already sense that something is not right between mum and dad. Your anger and bitterness are oozing through every single paragraph you've written here. It's very obviously eating you up. In trite terms, you are poisoning yourself.

Now I'm not saying you are wrong to feel this way. What your husband did was about as low as it gets on so many levels. It's definitely not something to be trivialised. Do you think you would have split from him if there weren't children involved? I get the impression that you resent the way things went in the aftermath of his affair. From what I can see, he got away very lightly here. He has his excuse for why he slept with someone else and now he can live at home and see his kids and pretend everything's fine. Whereas you've got such a horrendous burden to bear and you're stuck in a rut.

Would you consider going to a different marriage counsellor? I get the impression that he was let off the hook last time around and the wound has been left to fester. I wonder if you had the opportunity to address this again, would it help? Really, the situation at home doesn't sound like it can continue indefinitely. It seems to be a case of "Move along. Nothing to see here".

DukeOfTheSharp

You were put through the ringer OP, no sense in denying that. Children have a weird sixth sense when it comes to the way their parents are feeling - as someone who grew up in a home where I knew something was wrong and sensed the tension - it can make them uneasy. Your husband cheated, no doubt he's rationalized it and the post-natal depression is an easy out for him to excuse how he acted. Your bitterness is an unfortunate side-effect of his reprehensible behavior, and it sounds like he doesn't really help out at home with the other children that much, if you were feeling the stress like you were.
Look, nobody has any magic answer, and sometimes we want to make things work that just don't. Your husband lacks empathy and basic human decency, that's been established, but like any toxic human, it's never him that feels the effects, it's you. And as a result, it's your son too. I think the best thing to do is separate, have him strike out on his own, you stay in the home with the kids, work out fair and equal visitation rights. You're drowning in his obliviousness and it's driving you mad, and he's never going to feel an ounce of remorse for his actions.
One thing to note is that 'moving on' is not the same thing as 'moving forward', and take it from someone who learned this the hard way: moving forward is what you'd ideally want. That means both you and your husband accept the cheating, and the ramifications that come with it, and he does better. It sounds like he just let it roll off his back, and left you to carry the burden of his error. You have to understand that at this stage, you're bashing your head against a brick wall, you obviously don't like being with him, you hate what he's done to your family. But this is between the two of you. When your kids are old enough you can tell them about what he did, and why he isn't around - because given his actions, the chances of him actually sticking with being in their life after the novelty has worn off is slim - but until then he's the problem. You have to take control of this situation, take the initiative and not allow his actions to dictate how you act. You don't have to be defined by his actions and his issues, you've got yourself and your kids to look after, so do that and move forward, without this chap being a weight around your neck.

Neyite

We can forgive people, but that doesn't mean that the trust that was destroyed comes back as quickly, or if it does at all. It can sometimes take a while -often years- to realise that a post-affair relationship is missing something that can never be replaced. You might be at that point now where the anger is spent, the discussion has been done to death, and you'd love to go back to where you were before the affair but its changed both of you and the landscape of your relationship.

I would suggest that you talk to a counsellor. One for you - and not Relate as their focus is aimed at keeping you both together and resolving lesser issues. Their stance on cheating is not one that would be helpful to you at all. Go to a counsellor on your own, one that will help you decide what you want to do, irrespective of what that is. Also, if you haven't already read it, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a book often recommended for both parties in a relationship post-affair.

You are recognising that you have unresolved feelings and that its seeping into your life in areas where it shouldn't so that's a great insight to begin to build on.

kunst nugget

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Your bitterness is an unfortunate side-effect of his reprehensible behavior, and it sounds like he doesn't really help out at home with the other children that much, if you were feeling the stress like you were.
Look, nobody has any magic answer, and sometimes we want to make things work that just don't. Your husband lacks empathy and basic human decency, that's been established, but like any toxic human, it's never him that feels the effects, it's you. And as a result, it's your son too. I think the best thing to do is separate, have him strike out on his own, you stay in the home with the kids, work out fair and equal visitation rights. You're drowning in his obliviousness and it's driving you mad, and he's never going to feel an ounce of remorse for his actions.

I think there's a hell of a lot of projecting going on here. The OP stated that he was one of the best fathers she had ever seen so I think it's unfair to suggest that he didn't help her out with the children. We really have no way of knowing if he lacks empathy, basic human decency or is a toxic human. We don't know if it was a drunken mistake or a full blown affair. I'm not excusing the guy's actions - they're patently inexcusable - but you're painting him as some sort of emotional Bond villain when he might not be anything of the sort.

I think they need to do marriage counselling again if they are to have any hope of getting anything out of their relationship ever again but I think she needs more counselling by herself first to get to a place where she feels stronger to be able to tackle the issues in her marriage - be that staying together or separating. She says she feels like she's dealt with the fact that he was unfaithful but she clearly hasn't as she is projecting it on her child and the relationship with him that she feels has been ruined as a result.

lelo100

Hey I'm so sorry for what happened. I don't know if I'm any good at advice but I'll try. I don't doubt for a second that your son loves you to bits. He's your little boy and in his heart he loves you so much. But I will say little boys love men. They all do. Once they walk into the room it's buy buy mammy. They look up to them and they love the craic and fun with the men. Don't take that personally if u can. My little boy does it too but he still loves me to bits I know. He knows I'll be they're waiting when the man is gone. It shows he is very secure with you and knows you will always be there so he doesn't have to cling to you. It's a good thing and shows he's a strong relationship with you xx. As for the relationship it must be difficult. But resenting will only hurt YOU. If you are making the decision to stay with your husband you have to go with that decision 100%. He ****ed yo big time I know that. He's an ass, he's human unfortunately we all are. But for you you need to forgive him 100% I don't mean condone what he did but for your mental health freedom and happiness if you are going to stay with him forgive him completely. This life is short and this is our life. I hope I'm not offending you but I've had to forgive somethings myself and now that I have I do feel better in myself. Nobody's life is perfect even if it does look like it from a distance. We all put the best face out. Xxx

Neyite

Actually, I forgot to add to my post -remember, children and babies go through phases of 'preferring' one parent, or being 'strange' with relatives they ordinarily would go to immediately, you've probably seen it before with your other children, but because its this baby born in the midst of all that went on with your husband, you may be more sensitive to him preferring his daddy from time to time these days because you are still struggling with your feelings for him, if you know what I mean?

DukeOfTheSharp

kunst nugget wrote: »

I think there's a hell of a lot of projecting going on here. The OP stated that he was one of the best fathers she had ever seen so I think it's unfair to suggest that he didn't help her out with the children. We really have no way of knowing if he lacks empathy, basic human decency or is a toxic human. We don't know if it was a drunken mistake or a full blown affair. I'm not excusing the guy's actions - they're patently inexcusable - but you're painting him as some sort of emotional Bond villain when he might not be anything of the sort.

I think they need to do marriage counselling again if they are to have any hope of getting anything out of their relationship ever again but I think she needs more counselling by herself first to get to a place where she feels stronger to be able to tackle the issues in her marriage - be that staying together or separating. She says she feels like she's dealt with the fact that he was unfaithful but she clearly hasn't as she is projecting it on her child and the relationship with him that she feels has been ruined as a result.

(just highlighted several glaring jumps in logic and contradictions there)
The whole 'I'm not excusing his actions...but' usually exists as a contradiction. I've seen plenty of people like him, totally unaware of the person they hurt, so they put it all into the kids to seem better, until the inevitable separation and divorce when 'someone better' comes along. Then they forget the kids, move on, because it's second nature to something who doesn't appreciate what they have.
Regardless of the circumstances, he has cheated, hasn't dealt with it and the OP has tried counselling to no avail. The kids aren't the issue, and your use of 'projecting' is confused at best; the OP's husband is the root issue. The husband clearly isn't guilty and used the OP's 'depression' as an out, this isn't unusual for toxic individuals. The kids won't feel anything from him, because he feels nothing. The OP and her family life is suffering due to her husband's actions, he needs to get gone.

kunst nugget

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

(just highlighted several glaring jumps in logic and contradictions there)
The whole 'I'm not excusing his actions...but' usually exists as a contradiction. I've seen plenty of people like him, totally unaware of the person they hurt, so they put it all into the kids to seem better, until the inevitable separation and divorce when 'someone better' comes along. Then they forget the kids, move on, because it's second nature to something who doesn't appreciate what they have.
Regardless of the circumstances, he has cheated, hasn't dealt with it and the OP has tried counselling to no avail. The kids aren't the issue, and your use of 'projecting' is confused at best; the OP's husband is the root issue. The husband clearly isn't guilty and used the OP's 'depression' as an out, this isn't unusual for toxic individuals. The kids won't feel anything from him, because he feels nothing. The OP and her family life is suffering due to her husband's actions, he needs to get gone.

It's not confused at all. You have stated several things about the OP's husband with certainty that you couldn't possibly know from her posts and you continue to do it. You are projecting.

Your husband lacks empathy and basic human decency, but like any toxic human

You're drowning in his obliviousness and it's driving you mad, and he's never going to feel an ounce of remorse for his actions.

It sounds like he doesn't really help out at home with the other children that much, if you were feeling the stress like you were.

This isn't unusual for toxic individuals. The kids won't feel anything from him, because he feels nothing.

I've seen plenty of people like him, totally unaware of the person they hurt, so they put it all into the kids to seem better, until the inevitable separation and divorce when 'someone better' comes along. Then they forget the kids, move on, because it's second nature to something who doesn't appreciate what they have.

There is absolutely no way to know that the husband is as you described. Like I said, we have no way of know if he is the bond villain you make him out to be because we don't know enough about him. The OP says he is one of the best fathers she's ever seen and yet you continue to paint him as a feckless father who does nothing for his children and feels nothing for them.

And she is projecting her anger and bitterness at his infidelity on to the relationship he has with their son which she feels has been thwarted by his infidelity.

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

(just highlighted several glaring jumps in logic and contradictions there)
The whole 'I'm not excusing his actions...but' usually exists as a contradiction. I've seen plenty of people like him, totally unaware of the person they hurt, so they put it all into the kids to seem better, until the inevitable separation and divorce when 'someone better' comes along. Then they forget the kids, move on, because it's second nature to something who doesn't appreciate what they have.
Regardless of the circumstances, he has cheated, hasn't dealt with it and the OP has tried counselling to no avail. The kids aren't the issue, and your use of 'projecting' is confused at best; the OP's husband is the root issue. The husband clearly isn't guilty and used the OP's 'depression' as an out, this isn't unusual for toxic individuals. The kids won't feel anything from him, because he feels nothing. The OP and her family life is suffering due to her husband's actions, he needs to get gone.

you say he hasn't dealt with it, how do you know? For all you know he broke down and told the OP about his mistake straight away, in floods of tears and begging forgiveness. The OP herself says they both put on a brave face in front of others and are friendly but not intimate with each other.

It suits your narrative to paint the husband as X or Y but how does that help the OP? All we know is they are both working on it and he is a great father.

Anyhow, OP, my heart goes out to you. What happened was awful but my sympathy doesn't change your reality. My simple advice though hard to follow, is to pick to either be fully in or fully out of the marriage. If it's over, then it's over but if it isn't then you have to sit down with you husband and tell him about how you feel and work on a solution to your marriage together.