I just realised the condition of my love life...

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster, so I'm going unreg'd for this. I have been thinking about posting this for a while and only biting the bullet now. A bit of a background story: 28, male, living abroad, in relatively good shape from training and I have been told I'm goodlooking and I like to think that I'm a good person for the most part. I have also been out to most people for a few years.

Last week I had a startling revelation to myself: I've only ever been on four second dates over the last eight years.
Like most guys I have tried online dating, Grindr, etc but the vast majority of the messages sent to me consist of one word demands. I am not a big fan of the gay scene but I have given it a go for the sake of 'putting myself out there' and once again the same story or else if I actually get talking to someone properly I never hear from them afterwards, etc. I mean if a guy just isn't that into me that's perfectly fine but to be honest I'm just starting to feel quite disheartened.

As for those four second dates: the first one turned in to a very intense and borderline controlling relationship which swore me off guys for a while. The second was going quite well until he mysteriously disappeared off the face of the earth for a few months. The third wanted an awful lot from me at a very early stage (literally after 1/2 weeks) and then bailed. The fourth had the potential to become a bigger ****storm than the first guy and I got the **** out of there.

The last one of those second dates was 1-2 years ago. I know 28 is still seen as young more or less but I would be lying if I was to say that I'm not starting to get a bit worried. I am starting to look a little bit older, I can hear bitchy gay guys pass remarks about me the odd time I go out and I'm watching a lot of my friends get married, have kids, etc and I am here struggling to even get a date let a lone a second one.

I don't really know where I am going with this post now but I guess I'm wondering has any advice/experience to hand? Before anyone says 'work on yourself' believe me I constantly am. I know finding a significant other is nothing of merit but I would like to share my life with someone.

Borisgem8

People don't realize how hard the "dating game" is, and I hate to say it but it is even harder for gays and lesbians. It sucks you have to go through this, but instead of trying my advice would be to just say f it. Stop looking, focus on yourself and what you enjoy doing. You will eventually meet someone who shares your passions and interests. A relationship isn't about opposites coming together, but it is about a mirror reflecting to another.

Banbha32

Honestly im sitting here tonight thinking all this and i just happened upon your message and its like i wrote it myself. Im also 28 and also living abroad lol. Ya. Thing is im only out 6 months and in a way it is short but i also feel the whole i am getting old and maybe i missed the boat. In fact i know i did and id love to go back to my uni days and have done it then and lived the life but alas. Ya but honestly i felt it would be easier than it has. It is really difficult and for the first time today i heard myself thinking god guys are so hard to understand i dont get them. Im not a grindr type of guy so i joined plenty of fish recently and clearly stated i am not into one night stands so its out there. And like i was chatting to a guy and honestly he signalled interest and then BAM disappeared off the face of the earth. Two others i contacted and was ignored and that doesnt phase me in the slightest because i have done the same and if theres no physical spark id rather know right there and then. And now a guy messaged me last week and he seems lovely and what id go for. I replied and then nothing. And days later one sentence. And then clicked the meet me thing on it and i did the same so ya know showing interest and then nothing. And its like. You contacted me, you are sending such mixed signals and delayed replies that are a sentence. And i feel are they just hard to talk to (also maybe the english are just more stand offish than us and are reserved for a while longer i dont know). Im naturally a very chatty guy and am finding guys hard to talk to its like plucking fúcking teeth from a hen like. And im trying to not be too chatty as i dont want to appear clingy which isnt me at all (at least i hope). But ya. Your experiences are very real and i feel like its all ahead of me. Making friends or indeed finding a best friend you can have sex with essentially is very hard as you get older and unless you start a new job thats it. You sound like you have had your fair share of weirdos. I know there are lovely guys out there too but they're hard to locate. Its a comfort to see an honest account like this to know whats going on in my head isnt just me going insane and overthinking life

Rick_

I think a lot of guys out there feel the same, they just don't use forums like this to put their thoughts out there, or they just don't know how to express themselves, or feel that doing so will just make them feel worse.

LarDuinn

I'm 28 and just out of a long term relationship, the mere thought of returning to the gay dating scene in Ireland is enough to make me consider a new hermit life on Skellig Michael. But even then I'd probably wake up one day to a message from a carrier pigeon with the line "top or bottom?"

Bleak.

mr.anonymous

LarDuinn wrote: »

...new hermit life on Skellig Michael...

At least you could accom

Donnaghm

Borisgem8 wrote: »

People don't realize how hard the "dating game" is, and I hate to say it but it is even harder for gays and lesbians. It sucks you have to go through this, but instead of trying my advice would be to just say f it. Stop looking, focus on yourself and what you enjoy doing. You will eventually meet someone who shares your passions and interests. A relationship isn't about opposites coming together, but it is about a mirror reflecting to another.

I agree with this thoughtful post.
Just focus on enjoying life, the people in it and your own self-fulfillment.
If you do that, you won't give a hoot if you're single or not.