Are there many women that don't want kids?

euser1984

I'm a man and I'm around 31.....I don't really want children at all - does that more or less diminish my chance of meeting someone by a huge percentage?

athtrasna

euser1984 wrote: »

I'm a man and I'm around 31.....I don't really want children at all - does that more or less diminish my chance of meeting someone by a huge percentage?

Probably but we are out there. I'd be as up front about it as possible.

Idle Passerby

That depends, there's a difference between "don't really" and "definitely do not want kids". There's plenty of women out there that aren't all that pushed to have kids/are open to being swayed on the choice. Not all women are intent on reproducing.

If your already decided then be upfront about it early on. Both to avoid wasting time with the wrong person and to hasten your chances of meeting a like minded woman.

euser1984

ok, thanks for your opinions.....interested in hearing more also if anybody has anything else to add.

I've been fairly disappointed in the last few weeks because I met a girl that I get on with brilliantly and there is attraction etc. etc. but the problem of kids is there....

I suppose when I say "really", I have often felt the urge biologically to have kids with a person and I'm not talking about a sexual type urge I don't think.....maybe that feeling turns into something that doesn't really go away if the situation is right?

I don't understand why people want to have kids at all really....pffffff....

Keane2baMused

I think now you will find alot more women who choose not to have children. I don't believe it in any way counts you out of finding a life long partner but you absolutely need to be 100% honest about it from as early on as possible.

Keane2baMused

euser1984 wrote: »

I don't understand why people want to have kids at all really....pffffff....

Im sure those who have children would say I don't understand why some people DON'T want to have children.

It works both ways.

One thing I do know. You rarely (if ever) hear those who have had children say they regret it. You more often hear those who never had children say they regret it later down the line.

fin12

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Im sure those who have children would say I don't understand why some people DON'T want to have children.

It works both ways.

One thing I do know. You rarely (if ever) hear those who have had children say they regret it. You more often hear those who never had children say they regret it later down the line.

Not true ive heard several mothers who would blame their kids for ruining their lives, my own mother says it all the time how she had no life because of us but I just always turn around and say it was ur choice no one forced u to have us, sometimes she even says she should have had an abortion with my oldest sister.

Fluffy Cat 88

One thing I do know. You rarely (if ever) hear those who have had children say they regret it. You more often hear those who never had children say they regret it later down the line.[/quote]

There are plenty of people who have never regretted not having children (myself included - I'm in my mid-40s). Luckily, its rare for people to regret actually having them - but would anyone admit that?

Its a tough job, not for everyone. It's not like in the 70s and 80s when kids had more freedom - nowadays "helicopter parenting" is the norm.

euser1984

Fluffy Cat 88 wrote: »

nowadays "helicopter parenting" is the norm.

What is that?

Keane2baMused

Hence I said "more often" :-) From my experience I know a number of couples who didn't have children and later regretted it, not all mind!

Keane2baMused

fin12 wrote: »

Not true ive heard several mothers who would blame their kids for ruining their lives, my own mother says it all the time how she had no life because of us but I just always turn around and say it was ur choice no one forced u to have us, sometimes she even says she should have had an abortion with my oldest sister.

Wow!

Although my own dad always said to us to never have kids. Ha!

LegacyUser

A ton of women have no interest in having kids in their thirties. They're having too much craic.

However there is a phenomenon I've personally experienced which is a woman who was adamantly against having kids at 35, panicking at 38. Its not broodiness, its the increasing awareness that the door is slowly creaking shut in your face.

Its all fun and games to CHOOSE not to have kids, but its a massive bummer when the choice is ripped away from you. It makes you re-evaluate whether you felt you never ever ever wanted kids for the rest of your life, or whether you "just" couldnt be arsed dealing with it at that particular stage of your life, but who's to say you may not change your mind in 10 years time?

Unfortunately when you're hurtling towards 40, there is no 10 years time.

So it may be a controversial opinion but I believe that if you really dont want the issue to arise, then date women 40+.

In the meantime be unequivocable. None of this "Weeeeelllll, I'm 90% sure...." so as not to put off someone you think is amazing. Its hugely unfair.

liquoriceall

It is more common than you would think, my last relationship ended because of a difference of opinion on this issue
If you are doing online dating make sure to tick that box and see what the girl has ticked

bp

I always wanted children and thankfully have two and it would have been a deal breaker for me.

Equally I know men and women who don't want them and equally relationships have ended because of it.

Be honest and up front early (not first date early obviously) and maybe look into the snip to prevent accidents as no contraceptive is 100%

LegacyUser

Far from being honest and up front with women you meet, I think you'll have to roll a long way back and start being honest with yourself. You seem to have been presenting this front that you don't want kids, when in fact you admit to having phases when you do want them. Your language in this thread also shows some uncertainty. So it would seem that you have claimed to not want kids and thereby affected the relationships you've been starting, when actually your policy on kids is far from finalised. If you come to a place where you honestly *know* you don't want kids, then yes, you need to be clear about that, but at the moment you're not there.

It looks like your recent experience is or was good, then you decided this "problem" was a barrier for you. That just seems to be putting the cart before the horse and there's every chance that allowing a relationship to develop properly will bring you to a place where you feel secure and happy to have kids. At the moment, you're undermining relationships for no good reason. Talking the issue through in the context of those relationships would be a better idea, it could inform your thoughts and develop the relationships, or see them end for the right reasons with minimal harm to either party.

Galadriel

I am 36 and don't want kids, when I met my boyfriend 10 years ago he was really vocal about not wanting children, so we always knew where we stood on the topic.

The_Conductor

OP- you've contradicted yourself- so- you don't 'really' want to have kids- but you have felt the urge to have kids, and if you met the right person you'd be more than open to considering it.........

You really have to get this straight in your own mind first- or you will leave mayhem and destruction (and probably resentment) in your wake.

Rubberchikken

i always swore i never wanted kids was always happy with nephews and nieces. things changed. tbh i never saw it coming. today i would do anything for my kids. still like my nephews and nieces. but wouldn't be a kids person if you know what i mean. i tend to treat them as small adults as opposed to kids (not sure whether that's good or bad:)

to answer your op, maybe you don't want kids now. maybe you never will. maybe that'll change. the best thing is to be truthful with future partner. don't lead someone on and then only be truthful when the relationship has deepened. it's hurt a lot more then,
.
good luck

panda100

There are lots of women that don't want children, myself included. Unfortunately, there is still a huge taboo for women to declare that they have no interest in having kids. Certainly, numerous threads on The Ladies Lounge indicate that women feel judged if they say they don't want children so they just keep it to themselves.

SarahMollie

I don't think I want children - I'm 30 now.

I think myself and the OH are on the same page - neither of us have said "never ever" but we just don't seem to have that desire. We like doing out own thing and having disposable income too much, and when we look to people we know who have begun to start famailies, I just feel no desire for that lifestyle.

The_Conductor

Fair enough.
We liked our disposable income too- the ability to travel without notice (we've a holiday home in Portugal), not worrying about paying the bills or scrimping and saving- and then our two little munchkins came along. Times were hard- there were months when the mortgage was paid by withdrawing cash on our joint credit card and lodging it to our current account- we haven't had a holiday now in 6 years, and purchase at all- involves running through the figures in our head to see if we can make it work, etc etc.

It is a different life- there is no disputing it- and sometimes times will be a lot harder than other times. Some people take to being a parent like a duck to water- many of us don't- and along with the financial hardships, lack of sleep- and constant self doubts- question whether it was a good decision or not.

In my case- my two little monkeys are now 4 and 5- and when I'm having a bad day- all it takes is a smile or a hug from one or both of them- and everything seems better.

We all choose different paths in life- who am I to say my path is better or worse than anyone elses? I know I don't regret my choice- difficult though it may have made our personal situations.

CaraMay

Some people only realize they want kids when they meet someone special. In a lot of cases people can be ambivalent and then once they meet the one, they think oh I would like a mini him.

You don't seem to know what you want yourself op

SarahMollie

The_Conductor wrote: »

Fair enough.
We liked our disposable income too- the ability to travel without notice (we've a holiday home in Portugal), not worrying about paying the bills or scrimping and saving- and then our two little munchkins came along. Times were hard- there were months when the mortgage was paid by withdrawing cash on our joint credit card and lodging it to our current account- we haven't had a holiday now in 6 years, and purchase at all- involves running through the figures in our head to see if we can make it work, etc etc.

It is a different life- there is no disputing it- and sometimes times will be a lot harder than other times. Some people take to being a parent like a duck to water- many of us don't- and along with the financial hardships, lack of sleep- and constant self doubts- question whether it was a good decision or not.

In my case- my two little monkeys are now 4 and 5- and when I'm having a bad day- all it takes is a smile or a hug from one or both of them- and everything seems better.

We all choose different paths in life- who am I to say my path is better or worse than anyone elses? I know I don't regret my choice- difficult though it may have made our personal situations.

Of course, and I'd never judge anyone for taking the path thats right for them, I just don't want to go blindly down that path myself just because its the expected thing to do.

I think that you should really want children, like feel it in your bones that you'd dying to have another human to look after. I've a friend who can't have children and desperately wants them, and I'm heartbroken for her that shes going to have such challenges, but it only highlights my own ambivalence. I've genuinely never felt those feelings or anything close to them.

When people show me their babies, I have to do my best poker face to not look alarmed, and I don't have any of the normal coo'ing reactions that people expect. They just leave me cold. I try to fake it as best I can so as not to be rude, but I just don't feel it.

CaraMay

SarahMollie wrote: »

When people show me their babies, I have to do my best poker face to not look alarmed, and I don't have any of the normal coo'ing reactions that people expect. They just leave me cold. I try to fake it as best I can so as not to be rude, but I just don't feel it.

I find this attitude so weird. Why would you be alarmed? I'm not crazy about kids but do recognise that it's a human being and not an inanimate object like a car. How can another inoffensive human leave you cold and alarmed? That would be a cause for concern to me.

dudara

OP - you are displaying a bit of indecision here. It's not clear if you want kids, and therefore, how can any potential partner be sure of your opinion?

SarahMollie

CaraMay wrote: »

I find this attitude so weird. Why would you be alarmed? I'm not crazy about kids but do recognise that it's a human being and not an inanimate object like a car. How can another inoffensive human leave you cold and alarmed? That would be a cause for concern to me.

I too am able to tell the difference between a baby and a car, thanks.

It is pretty alarming when someone thrusts a baby into your arms and you don't really have any experience holding them. I don't want to do the baby any harm or make it cry by holding it uncomfortably or scaring it because I'm a stranger, so i try to avoid this as much as possible.

I find your comment incredibly judgmental. Not being maternal is not a character flaw, some people just arent that way inclined. Its comments like yours that make people feel they can't be honest about not wanting children.

CaraMay

Ah I get it. I can understand not knowing what to do when a baby is dumped in your arms but your post just said you get alarmed when you are shown a child.

I don't think a lack of a maternal gene is a flaw. In fact, I think many people who are parents shouldn't be. I don't see why my reaction to your unclear post would mean people can't be honest about not wanting kids. That would be just silly. In fact I don't know why people are so insecure that they can't say what they want. I've two friends who are married and don't want kids - that's their own business and it won't change my life whether they do or not.

StillThinking

I met my now husband 5 years ago next month, from the start I told him that I wasn't interested in having children and he was cool with it.
We've had a few talks over the years and always said we would give ourselves a few years just in case we changed our mind, well we haven't.
I have a group of about 10 girls I hang about with, half of them already have children, a few do want them in the future and a few have said they don't care either way. I have always been adamant motherhood is not for me and this has not always been taken well.
I've never said anybody was stupid for having any but I have been told I'm stupid and selfish for not wanting any or would I not have a few anyway in case I change my mind when I'm older.
So in answer to your question yes there are women out there that don't want children, I'd just say some are scared to admit it for fear of the backlash.

Into The Blue

euser1984 wrote: »

I don't understand why people want to have kids at all really....pffffff....

You're better off not worrying about that. There's loads of women who've decided kids aren't for them, just a matter of putting yourself out there, have fun dating, if you get serious with someone, have the discussion with them.

CaraMay

StillThinking wrote: »

I have been told I'm stupid and selfish for not wanting any or would I not have a few anyway in case I change my mind when I'm older.
.

Omg surely it's more selfish to have kids? Some people have a very weird outlook. Don't mind them.

SarahMollie

CaraMay wrote: »

Ah I get it. I can understand not knowing what to do when a baby is dumped in your arms but your post just said you get alarmed when you are shown a child.

I don't think a lack of a maternal gene is a flaw. In fact, I think many people who are parents shouldn't be. I don't see why my reaction to your unclear post would mean people can't be honest about not wanting kids. That would be just silly. In fact I don't know why people are so insecure that they can't say what they want. I've two friends who are married and don't want kids - that's their own business and it won't change my life whether they do or not.

OK, lost in translation it seems - apologies for being sensitive. The wording "That would be a cause for concern to me" hit a sore spot as many people do think that you're either dead inside or are missing something.

I just genuinely don't think its in me, and I don't think I'll look back and change my mind either. I'm not deferring it because I couldn't afford it (I can) Its not for career reasons (my employer is actually great on maternity leave). Its not for lack of a stable relationship either.

I feel really strongly about child welfare and protection issues and state spending on investing in our youth. I'm always happy for my friends when they have children, buy toys and attend the baby showers. I'm not actually heartless.

I just don't feel the urge to have one myself - and an alarming amount of people find this impossible to understand.

SarahMollie

StillThinking wrote: »

I've never said anybody was stupid for having any but I have been told I'm stupid and selfish for not wanting any or would I not have a few anyway in case I change my mind when I'm older.
So in answer to your question yes there are women out there that don't want children, I'd just say some are scared to admit it for fear of the backlash.

That is the height of rudeness and also extremely bad advice.

What if you had some, still didnt change your mind - do you just hand them back?

Some people are beyond belief.

santana75

SarahMollie wrote: »

I just don't feel the urge to have one myself - and an alarming amount of people find this impossible to understand.

I think its a really interesting discussion, I find though that women get interrogated about this more than men. Like my friends never ask me when Im gonna have kids, whereas I have female friends who are constantly hounded by other women on the subject.

The Raptor

SarahMollie wrote: »

Of course, and I'd never judge anyone for taking the path thats right for them, I just don't want to go blindly down that path myself just because its the expected thing to do.

I think that you should really want children, like feel it in your bones that you'd dying to have another human to look after. I've a friend who can't have children and desperately wants them, and I'm heartbroken for her that shes going to have such challenges, but it only highlights my own ambivalence. I've genuinely never felt those feelings or anything close to them.

When people show me their babies, I have to do my best poker face to not look alarmed, and I don't have any of the normal coo'ing reactions that people expect. They just leave me cold. I try to fake it as best I can so as not to be rude, but I just don't feel it.

I feel the same way as you about kids. I have no real desire to have them. I never did and I don't think it will ever come to me. I'm in my thirties, so I don't think it will ever change.

I do find babies cute and will often coo over them. But I find toddlers and kids irritating.

I like my free time and my sleep and the thought of having to mind kids all the time until their about twenty terrifies me. All your time and money goes on the kids. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to have kids because its the done thing abd its expected of me and only to find out that i made the wrong choice. There's no going back.

euser1984

Given that I don't use online dating sites what I am going to do now because I don't usually end up meeting many women I like.....

OP, it's just as difficult as a woman in their 30s who doesn't want kids to find a man to date! Most men assume I will change my mind. Myself and the OH now are in a complete understanding. He says if I wanted a child, he would be ok with that, but in reality he's just as happy to spend his time and money on us and building experiences together. We both agree that having kids just so that we "wont regret not having them" or "growing old with no kids" is horribly irresponsible. I came from a family where both parents liked us kids, would have to say that underneath they loved us, but we were always second in their lives to their own enjoyment, careers and relationship. A bit in the way. I know that even my cat is in my way sometimes, when I want to go on holiday or stay out all night. There is no fault at all in admitting you like your own enjoyment too much to reproduce. There is still a stigma around that (immature, selfish, etc). But you only get one life, and bringing another life into the world just because people say you should, is probably a lot more immature and selfish than not. Just really figure out how you feel (would you have a child in the right situation, with the right person? Or just not at all?) and be upfront about it when starting a new relationship.

Stheno

Even as a child I never ever wanted children, this may be in part due to the fact I am the oldest of ten, and my childhood was a regular stream of newborns pretty much every two years until I hit my twenties.

I'd a marriage break up nine years into the marriage when my then husband after eleven years decided he wanted children. I simply couldn't conceive (no pun intended) of the idea.

Now I'm in my forties, and still have no desire for children, for sure, I'll have to take care of myself when I'm older, but no regrets for me.

People do think it's strange though. It goes against societal norms for the most part to vehemently not want children.

If you read my post OP and compare your stance, you sound more like my ex who imo sacrificed having children for a relationship with someone who was absolutely sure they didn't want them, and realised too late that children were something they considered in their future.

He is now close to fifty and still childless, but that's not an issue for him in terms of having children.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

I find this attitude so weird. Why would you be alarmed? I'm not crazy about kids but do recognise that it's a human being and not an inanimate object like a car. How can another inoffensive human leave you cold and alarmed? That would be a cause for concern to me.

I can totally understand this- babies leave me cold too. In various places I have worked it's been customary for the mothers to bring their babies to the office to show them (off) . Everyone gets so oooh and aah and wants to hold the baby...I can't even pretend any interest. I get like that around fluffy animals only .babies do nothing for me.and no, I'm not a psychopath

CaraMay

NoisyMay wrote: »

I can totally understand this- babies leave me cold too. In various places I have worked it's been customary for the mothers to bring their babies to the office to show them (off) . Everyone gets so oooh and aah and wants to hold the baby...I can't even pretend any interest. I get like that around fluffy animals only .babies do nothing for me.and no, I'm not a psychopath

FYI most people are being polite and feigning interest so as not to offend the mother. It's a social norm and just being polite - like admiring a new car.

Malari

NoisyMay wrote: »

I can totally understand this- babies leave me cold too. In various places I have worked it's been customary for the mothers to bring their babies to the office to show them (off) . Everyone gets so oooh and aah and wants to hold the baby...I can't even pretend any interest. I get like that around fluffy animals only .babies do nothing for me.and no, I'm not a psychopath

Yeah, I'm like this too. I have been avoiding a family member recently as she's had a new baby but I'm going to have to see it eventually. I'm just not one of those people who says they don't want kids but they love other people's kids. I just have zero interest. Only animals make me coo

But definitely it pays to be upfront about this - whether you are definite or not about kids. I think we had this conversation within a few weeks of getting together. I was adamant, and my boyfriend was less so, but he's totally happy with our decision now. There are plenty of people who will share your view (if you decide kids are not for you), you just have to to be prepared to risk it by telling them.

caille

I like babies and small kids but I never wanted them, for many many reasons. I am happy with this and I have never been plagued with regrets about it.

What makes my situation a little bit harder is that I come across as very maternal and warm so that when I meet new people (I often get asked if I am a nurse or a teacher), they nearly always assume I have kids and are really surprised when I say I don't. So it makes saying I don't have them harder again. On top of that, the smallies gravitate to me as well, so I get comments of 'oh, you should have one, look how Mary/John is looking at you/wants to play with you'.

I am used to it, just all very odd. Give me a kitten or puppy any day!

via4

I have one I'm female I don't want anymore. If I met a guy and they wanted kids I would end it in a flash there is no way I'd go through all that again