Horse/rider mismatch

TG1

Has anyone ever come to the conclusion that they are just not suited to their horse? Or that their horse isn't suited to them? How did you handle it? What choice did you make?

My own mare and I had a disaster 4 months ago, and I havnt been riding since as a result. I'm hoping for the medical ok soon, but went up to visit her today and its really got me thinking.

She seems to have come on in leaps and bounds since I haven't been riding her, she's settled, not spooky or nervey, not rushing at her fences and has even stopped stressing and galloping round when turned out. She was all these while I was riding her.

I had her on full livery and she moved to schooling once I was off so the only real change is her rider.

I love her to bits and cant even contemplate selling her, but at the same time she's a little smasher of a horse and now I'm wondering will she ever manage to reach her potential with me, and would she be better suited to a more confident rider...

Has anyone had to make a decision like this and how on earth did you make it. I know I should look objectively at it but I can't, she's my little horse so there's nothing objective about the situation. I really don't know what to do. I know I should wait till I get back on board and have a few lessons and see how we go before worrying but today really showed me how much happier she seems with someone else on her.

Ave Sodalis

Rider-horse mismatch happens all the time. We have personalities and horses have personalities, they don't always go together. The wrong horse for you could be the perfect horse for someone else. I've rode plenty of horses that I didn't get on with, but when you're just the rider you can only do your best with what you have. When you're the owner, you have the option to sell. If you pick that option, I can guarantee you will be far from the first person to do so. However, if you don't want to sell, would you consider loaning her?

byhookorbycrook

It does happen.I understand how you feel about selling her, but if you can't do her justice, then it's probably a good idea to sell her on to someone who can. It's not easy, by any means, though.

Ah_Yeah

You're not the first person this has happened to, nor will you be the last. Horses are a hobby, and one that we spend A LOT of money on (much more than I'll ever tell my OH anyway!), and as such it should be enjoyable. Granted, when you are dealing with another being that has its own brain and can break easily, you are always set up for some sort of frustration or heartache, but if it's more bad than good then it's time to revisit the situation.

I understand the emotional attachment, I myself am emotionally attached to my horse, however if at any point I feel we are not suited I have to make the best decision for both of us. I cannot afford to keep more than one horse, and it would be unfair on me to limit my enjoyment of a hobby just to hang onto a horse I won't enjoy or maybe even ride at all. On the flip side, it's also unfair on my horse to keep it when it could potentially be better suited to another person or lifestyle.

If you are not keen to sell, and you want to keep control over her future, why don't you look at loaning? I have my current horse on long term loan and I treat her as if she is mine, and the owners still get to see her and have a hand in her future.

TG1

Apart from the emotional side, selling is out of the question as our accident was technically as the result of a behavioural vice.

She had only ever done it once before and hasn't done it since but the type of person who buys a horse with a vice buys them cheap to sell on and that's not what I want for her.

I imagine that would also cause problems loaning her to someone. Would you ever consider taking on a horse you knew had caused an accident by their behaviour, or would you see the r word and run a mile?

What's really getting to me is I had her for 6 months before any of this and she was perfect, then she started to get silly and spooky, then we had our fall, and now she's starting to get back to her old self. So it's clearly a case of whatever I do to upset her building to the point where she reacted explosively, and her settling now whatever it is I do has stopped...

Kamili

I think you are being a little hard on yourself and your little mare.

Yes it does happen a lot that there is a mismatch and I can understand why you don't want to sell. I've been there myself and sold up. I'm also now in a position where I have another horse and he does similar things to the one I sold up but I changed my attitude and dealt with things differently and we are doing much better together. I did consider selling him too at one stage. I am glad I didn't though and I have learnt so so much since keeping him, and he is learning from me too.

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself at the moment. Take your time, catch your breath and just take things slowly. See what happens in the future. Just because you see her doing well with someone else but not you doesn't mean you can't learn how to get on with her in future. However you need to give yourself a deadline for improvements - so say 6 months down the line or a year down the line take stock and see if it isn't working then. Then take a decision. At least then you can say ok I tried. I would advise getting as many lessons as you can, to start you off, and then see what you can change about your own attitude and then by changing yours she may change hers.

However if you feel that whatever caused the accident is something that could happen again, then that is something you really need to think hard about. Does she do it with other people? Do you feel she is dangerous for you to keep riding her? Is she dangerous? What would you do if she did it again, would you react differently this time? What can you do to change?

I hope you don't think I am having a go at you at all. Sometimes a change in mindset is all it takes and confidence will grow day by day. But by the same measure if you don't feel safe it might be time to find something else..

Ah_Yeah

TG1 wrote: »

Apart from the emotional side, selling is out of the question as our accident was technically as the result of a behavioural vice.

She had only ever done it once before and hasn't done it since but the type of person who buys a horse with a vice buys them cheap to sell on and that's not what I want for her.

I imagine that would also cause problems loaning her to someone. Would you ever consider taking on a horse you knew had caused an accident by their behaviour, or would you see the r word and run a mile?

What's really getting to me is I had her for 6 months before any of this and she was perfect, then she started to get silly and spooky, then we had our fall, and now she's starting to get back to her old self. So it's clearly a case of whatever I do to upset her building to the point where she reacted explosively, and her settling now whatever it is I do has stopped...

If selling is absolutely out of the question, could you afford to send her away for schooling livery for a few weeks, followed by lessons with that same person? It doesnt need to be at a 'top' yard, just needs to be with someone who is proven in working with problem horses and who can effectively communicate what it is they have done with you. You say that she goes well with another rider but not with you - it's likely in part down to your nerves or tension, by the sounds of it she's a sensitive horse and is probably picking up on your tension. But it could genuinely be something that the other rider is doing that you need to do too - and that's why having a lesson to find out what they have been doing with her is SO important.

Aside from leaving her to become a field ornament I'm not certain what else you can do. If she has bucketloads of potential then you could hopefully find a great home with an experienced rider for her - someone who may not have lots of money to shell out on the initial purchase but could do great things for her. If you are honest and careful about where she goes it could work out well.

byhookorbycrook

Horses do spook, even my "bombproof" little fat cob does the silliest spooks from time to time (We parted ways due to kamikaze rabbit most recently)So if it was out of character for her and she hasn't done it with others, I wouldn't consider that a vice.

Ah_Yeah

TG1 wrote: »

I know I should wait till I get back on board and have a few lessons and see how we go before worrying but today really showed me how much happier she seems with someone else on her.

I've re-read your OP and honestly - this ^^^. Except for the 'with someone else on her' bit.

You say she was stressy and spooky etc before your fall, but then you put her into a strict training programme with an experienced rider - it is exactly this that is the reason for her improvement, and is the purpose of schooling livery. If anything it should be good vibes for you that she has come on so much in just a few months

Now all you need to do is find out exactly how she has been managed the last few months to ensure you can keep to that routine, and get regular lessons with this person going forward - I would also suggest that until you establish a solid partnership and regain your confidence, that you continue to have her regularly schooled by this rider.

Sounds like all positives really!

TG1

Thanks, I'm getting a bit of reassurance from the last few replies! The plan is once I get the ok to get back on that we'll do a few lessons where she is ridden for 20 mins in front of me then I get on for 20 mins etc. So the plans are all in place for what you're suggesting.

I'm just getting way ahead of myself as usual! It's just been a stressful few months, the schooling livery is costing a fortune, I'm really missing having the release of a spin around after work etc. So working myself into a ball of stress over something that's not a problem yet!

She has boat loads of potential as an amature horse, she'd never go on to do anymore which is why I worry if the worst came to the worst would I ever find someone else to take her on. She's small and green but has a decent pop and is usually very willing. But when she's not she's super backwards about it which is our problem. I'm not quick enough to say "no, forwards only" which has led to her properly rearing twice.

She has no breeding so she really would just be a lawn ornament somewhere if I can't fix what I do and can't find someone to take her on. I'd hate that nearly as much as selling her...

Kamili

I think it is so difficult to try stay confident when you have had such a bad injury.

Give yourself and herself time together. Lots of lessons and even just having someone with you when you ride will help. Rome wasn't built in a day, just remember to take your time with yourself and her.

I think things often look worse than they are, so just enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her again, both on her back and on the ground.

Do little exercises with her on foot, walk over poles together, lunge her and try lunging over cavelletti or raised poles to increase the bond between you, before you put your foot in the stirrup, so you both are relaxed and happy. Maybe even try driving her in long reins to get her listening to you and the sound of your voice.

One thing I found that really helped me was listening to a playlist of happy songs as I ride, and sing along. the singing makes me breathe and keeps me relaxed. I'm so focussed on the singing and music I kinda forget the stress It does work!

Ah_Yeah

Kamili wrote: »

One thing I found that really helped me was listening to a playlist of happy songs as I ride, and sing along. the singing makes me breathe and keeps me relaxed. I'm so focussed on the singing and music I kinda forget the stress It does work!

I do this!

TG1

Kamili wrote: »

One thing I found that really helped me was listening to a playlist of happy songs as I ride, and sing along. the singing makes me breathe and keeps me relaxed. I'm so focussed on the singing and music I kinda forget the stress It does work!

:pac: I don't do happy music, I'll have to download a few specially to try it! :pac:

Kamili

TG1 wrote: »

:pac: I don't do happy music, I'll have to download a few specially to try it! :pac:

Is there a song you like belting out when nobody is listening? Try that one! :P

Esroh

TG1
Go easy on yourself. A horse rearing twice is not a vice. And if a buyer came now and saw her under the yard rider it would not come up.
I had a mare who would not go 100m beyond the front gate on the road by herself without rearing. I had to long-rein her down the road and got on her and away we went without a fight.She went on to event to 3☆level and rear 2 foals who did the same. Nobody ever mentioned her rearing. So that covers ever thinking of selling her.
Mares can be very odd
You have to build a partnership where you are the boss without ever letting the mare realise they are not in charge. What your mare has done is taken control when it comes to you
I bet she tried it on at first when you were out injuried and a rider who is not emotionally attached let her know who is boss . You will be able to carry this on .And you will now know the signs if the mares starts to try her case again and will be able to get help early.
Remember a Good Mare will give you her Heart and Soul once you find the key.

Relax and enjoy your comeback