I'm a Joke in Work and I am so Angry!

flyovertom

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time for reading this,

I am currently working for a great company and I hold a very good position in an area I've always wanted to work in.

I work hard and I am very dedicated to my work, I am the only person that holds this position within the company.

I have developed a massive issue with 2 guys in work, I would consider myself pretty grounded, I don;t drink too much and I am very aware of my career and the importance of my conduct on nights out and I generally keep to myself but I mix well with everyone in work.

Two guys in work have taken a big dislike to me, they are big drinkers and think of themselves as 'mad bastards', who drink midweek etc etc and have a name as party animals.

I went drinking with them one night and I refused to drink shots had a few pints and left early, after this night they have been telling people including customers I'm completely mad and go crazy with a bit of drink in me, they kept putting shots in front of me and when I wouldn't drink them I think they put them in my pints when I was in the bathroom.

One of them met my wife on a night out and insisted on hugging her and getting photos of her etc and this was a big joke in work, she was pretty annoyed about these random guys imposing themselves on her, this has happened again recently.

I deleted one of them on Facebook after this but did not say anything directly to him.

This is where it got a bit sour, he got a bit lippy at me, telling me my work is a pile of sh* t and just general comments, some are nasty.

They have both told workers I go wild with drink in me and to stay away from me on nights out, I heard this back directly from the person they said it to.

On a work night out one of them grabbed me from behind and started pulling me, I just walked away, 5 mins later he came down squeezing my hands (to act like he was shaking it) and asked 'What my ****ing problem was? and why was I so uptight?", I told him where to go and he moved on.

He hasn't spoke to me since and only grunts at me when I pass.

The other guy plays love songs really loudly when I walk past and I have noticed more people are starting to laugh at me in work.

We were on a night out Friday and there was just a group of lads taking the piss out of me all night, there was also references to me taking drugs, which puzzled me but I have a feeling this is all stemming from these two guys.

They have told me my work is a pile of shi* on a few occasions, which isn't true, my supervisor has told me in appraisals that I am on target for a promotion based on my work etc.

I love my job but I don't want to work there anymore but if I stick around for the promotion it will lead to huge things for me.

I feel like a joke, I just think if I go to HR it will make matters worse, they are very popular in work and are thought of as the life and soul of the party.

I just hate going into work now but I find that I can't get it out of my head, I get so angry about the situation. I have promised myself that I won;t work for this company forever but I am getting so angry.

I get so angry everyday, I punch the steering wheel coming home from work, I scream my lungs out in the car. I kick things at home, I can't enjoy my weekends.

I just feel like I am letting these guys consume my thoughts and I can't let it go, I have tried not reacting.

My biggest fear is taking this to HR because I have a feeling they will up their game with me and it will make matters worse.

Roselm

But could it really get worse?? I say call their bluff and go to HR!

Jim Bob Scratcher

They sound very immature, what age are they OP?

Jenneke87

That's terrible, what a childish lot. I second the other poster, go to HR and show them you will not let them make a fool of yourself. Life and soul of the party?, they sound pathetic.

flyovertom

They are both in their early 40's, (I'm in my late 20's),

You hit the nail on the head, they are both extremely childish but the lads in work think they are a great laugh, they are both married, a sight to see dancing with girls in their 20's trying it on with them when they're drunk.

One of the guys goes on mental homophobic and racist rants, on the night I was with them I felt I pissed him off a bit when I didn't join in, I actually blanked him because he was punching his fist into his hand and his comments were way out of order, he went on another rant in front of me and I think he was trying to gauge my reaction, I just blanked him again.

I am happy to ignore them if I can just control my anger,

Deep down I know this isn;t the right reaction, I nearly hit one of them in work one day.

I get so angry, I don't want to hit them because that would mean I'd lose my job but I feel they are trying to push me beyond my limit.

Rubberchikken

Gosh o they sound like idiots.
Tbh i dont think any of your colleagues are pressed with them. Im willing to bet they just laugh along to keep these mupets off of them.

They're bullies and pathetic ones at that.

For the moment try ypur best to ignore them. Dont let yourself be in their company if you can.
Keep a record of things just in case. See if ignoring them and making a hugh effort to not let them see your anger makes a difference.

They have copped on to the fact that they are getting to you. It's really sad behaviour from two 40+ men but some are just stupid and insecure.

Good luck

Ursus Horribilis

Tom. I get the impression from what you're writing that you're going to snap some day soon. Screaming in the car? Punching your steering wheel? Kicking things at home? Either you are going to do something you'll regret in work or you're going to make yourself sick from the stress. Really, with what this pair of apes are putting you through, would going to HR really make things worse? If you snap some day and do something ill-advised in work, you'll be the one who'll be getting the warnings. I think they are going to get worse if you leave their behaviour unchecked. Bullies do that unfortunately - bullying often escalates over time because bullies see non-retaliation as weakness and licence to continue what they're at.

If you can't stomach going to HR right now, would you consider talking to your supervisor? This would depend on what sort of relationship you have with them but it's a thought. Also, if your employers have an employee assistance program of some sort, please make contact. Even if you don't talk to HR right now, you badly need to talk to a counsellor and to get this off your chest.

Rubberchikken touched on something I was going to mention too. I wouldn't be so sure that your colleagues think this pair are as hilarious as you think the do. Office politics is a funny beast. You'd be surprised what people turn a blind eye to in the interests of not causing a scene. They might also be playing along with them for a quiet life. It would not surprise me if privately, many of your colleagues aren't impressed with their carry-on either .

deseil

My heaet goes out to you what an awful thing to be going through. They are bullies and idiots, have you got any friends in work that you can talk to about this.

I would defenitely be informing a manager whats going on. Try not to let them get to you they sound like a pair of horrible human beings and like other posters have said I could guarantee that they are not as well liked as they seem.
Good luck I hope things improve soon.

LegacyUser

Yeah OP - your colleagues are laughing at them, not with them. They're probably also thanking their Gods that they're not the brunt of that behaviour, that it's someone else that has to put up with it (ie, you.)

They sound pathetic to be honest, and like 2 guys who can't hold their drink and who are just stupid. Plus - and I have lost track of the number of times that people in different workplaces (men, women, generally all ages) have commented on this - a person's behaviour when they're drunk is often a good indicator of their true personalities. That's particularly relevant in workplaces where people tend to behave differently than outside the office. Reflects really well on this pair, doesn't it?

So for what it's worth - firstly try and and ignore comments from them about your work as best you can. If they aren't senior to you, then really, their opinion on your work doesn't matter a damn.

Secondly - I'd talk to either your supervisor or HR. You could think of approaching them for an informal chat and just roughly lay out the situation and say that you're unsure of how to approach it. It's up to you to decide whether or not you would eventually go down a formal route with it, but you can ask for some pointers or advice. If your standing is decent in the company, and the people that matter know that you are a good worker then you should be ok to have this conversation, and keep it all informal for now.

Finally - I would avoid them like the plague otherwise. Wouldn't bother going on nights out or for drinks with them, I'd aim for minimal contact and keep any conversations short, to the point and solely business related. Wouldn't be bringing your wife anywhere near them or discussing your personal business with or around them in any way, shape or form. At the end of the day, it's your career and your job that matters - they're just clearly two sad, insecure individuals with a whole pile of issues themselves.

LegacyUser

OP, it's probably little comfort to you, but I would bet my house on it that these lads aren't as popular as you think. Honestly, they sound like very hard work. I'd imagine anyone that's laughing along with them are, as already mentioned, doing it for a quiet life. I'd imagine they are full of sht. In everything. So people taking their word on your character is highly unlikely. Most people go to work to work, keep the head down and get through the day. They sound like a couple of school yard bullies. Usually bullies have a group following them around, not because they admire them and respect their views, but because they're just delighted to be in the circle and not being picked on.

I know it might seem daunting, but you should go to HR. Like all bullies they're cowards, and you can be sure a word from HR would soften their coughs. Even if they do try to keep it up, they will see their "friends" distancing themselves from their bullying because they won't want to get caught up in their affairs! Are any of them in a position of authority over you? If not, then their opinion on your work is completely irrelevant!

Go to HR. People like them thrive on others' fear. There's nothing to be afraid of.

mapaca

Please speak to someone at work about this, a supervisor, HR person, anyone. Your bosses seem to value you, they will not want to risk you leaving over this. Nobody has the right to treat you like this. They sound like a right pair of idiots. You are clearly very stressed and upset by their behaviour. Don't let them ruin your great job and your happiness. Take back the control.

Augme

You said you'd be happy to ignore them but for your anger. What is it that angers you so much? Do you have any idea about what your HR is like? First thing is you should knock the work nights out on the head.

Lux23

I would suspect that they are not as popular as you might think they are and if they are is this really a company you want to continue working in?

Keane2baMused

Knock this on the head.

Speak with HR and tell them you're making a formal complaint and if HR do nothing get legal advice.

You don't have to put up with this. It is bullying.

Keep a record of any events so you have something concrete.

Ursus Horribilis

What's also worth considering is that if your colleagues are reprimanded by HR, it's going to scare the sh!t out of them. By the time most people are in their 40s they've got mortgages and families and other commitments. Losing your job at that stage of your life has further-reaching consequences than it would if you're 15 years younger and starting out. Also, if they have any notions of being promoted, warnings from HR won't do their prospects any good. Don't forget here that you are the person who has done nothing wrong. I also would think that if they are bought in by HR for a "chat" that they're not going to be broadcasting it to the whole office. For all of their bluster, nobody likes to be accused of bullying.

intheclouds

Listen, I got bullied by someone in work last year. There were a few incidents in a short time frame and like you, I thought itd be better to just leave because if I went to HR itd either get worse or just be awkward.

Id just been moved to a new role too so I didnt really have a relationship with my new boss, i.e., I wouldnt have felt comfortable going to him about it.

Anyway after a while I decided to tell my boss, not HR, and see what the reaction was. I was ready to hand in my notice over it all. The minute I told my boss he went mad (on my behalf) and asked me to speak to the bullies boss. It turned out there had been a good few incidents with other people as well that I didnt know about.

The bully is gone now - due to his own actions.

Anyway, I want you to know, as soon as I complained I realised I was bulletproof. He couldnt say anything bad to me at all once I complained because his behaviour was under the spotlight and he would have been in worse trouble if he had said or done anything.

Another thing is this - I dont mix business and pleasure. I dont go drinking with people I work with. I used to when I was younger, but not since my early 30s. Only the xmas do or a required company function and I limit alcohol intake there also. It just cuts out any of the nonsense such as you describe these people commenting on what you drink.

These people are bullying you and it would be advisable not to socially engage with them either.

santana75

Dont go to HR. Deal with like a man, face up to these guys. Trust me if you run to HR and they deal with this for you, at some point in your life the same situation will present itself. You had the perfect opportunity to deal with the night you were grabbed from behind by one of them. Thats him crossing the line and when that happened you were will within your rights to grab him back and throw him on the ground.........all with a smile on your face of course. You cant let them keep pushing you and you dont respond. Bullies will never stop unless you make them stop. I know its scary, theres two against one, but thats the way bullies operate, you'll never get a fair fight. But you dont need it to be fair, all you need to do is to take them on and stand up to them. Banter is your best weapon. A great trick is this, get a bottle of water, one that has a sports cap on it, and carry it with you everywhere. When one of these guys passes a comment you dont like, just turn and squirt water in his face. Laugh when you do it, and I promise people will laugh along with you at that guy. He'll be caught between a rock and hard place, he'll be shocked you just squirted water at him, but at the same time, its a joke right? He wont know what to do. And when that happens you'll have taken his power away. Trust me this works. If anyone asks why you did that, just tell them he looked thirsty. You cant introvert or be nice and civilised. Theyre not playing by any rules, theyre doing what they please, theyre trambling all over your boundaries, so take the gloves off, stop being so nice and take them on.

Taltos

Mod Note
Can I remind all posters (santana) - advocating violence is not acceptable and normally results in an immediate ban here...

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

I was bullied in my job and kept my mouth shut about it for nearly three years. It was a woman in my office and at the start she was very subtle. When I didn't do or say anything about it she got braver and the bullying became both less subtle and worse. I suffered on in silence and she turned me into a nervous wreck. I am sorry now that I didn't go to my manager when she started the bullying.

My manager took it very seriously, spoke to her and gave her a formal warning. This has mostly stopped the cow in her tracks. I say mostly because sometimes she slips up but her power has gone. She knows that if she slips into her old habits, that I'll be going to my manager again and there'll be trouble ahead.

If the place where you work is even half way decent, they will take allegations of bullying very seriously. I've confided in one or two close friends about what happened to me and I couldn't believe how common bullying seems to be in Irish workplaces.

So I hope you go and talk to your manager or to HR. Don't suffer in silence as I did. The only way bullies will be stopped is if somebody confronts them. If you try to tough it out like I did, you will find that they'll worm their way into your head and change you as a person.

Keane2baMused

I have to say it's actually maddening to hear of so many adults in these circumstances. Obviously these people have very little to entertain them in life if they get a kick out of causing other people misery.

Their mothers must be so proud of how they raised them!!!

OP I really hope you get this sorted. Don't put yourself through it any longer. These fools deserve to be taken down a peg or two by management and given a warning for their ridiculous behaviour.

Emme

They sound like absolute morons. It is clear they are jealous of you OP and this is their way of getting at him.

What they say or do outside work is their own business, even if it's at after work drinks/functions. What they say or do inside work is a different matter.

I went to management about the bullying where I worked and I was told to put up with it but keep an account of it if it was affecting me that much (inferring that I was the problem). People who are bullied in work are advised to write down an account of each bullying incident - date, time, duration, nature of bullying and who was involved. It's a lot of work and can be just as upsetting as they bullying.

You can keep your head down and ignore it but if it's making you angry that's not a good tactic. Maybe you should skip the after work functions for now and do some physical training which would help you deal with your anger. When I was being bullied very badly I used to do tae-bo classes and that helped. Running was great as well.

Is your life your work? I know it's good to network but sometimes after work drinks are nothing but drunken gossip sessions that turn into something worse the longer the night goes on. I would advise you to stay aloof from that and take up a sport outside work that you can focus on. Don't mull over events at work when you are at home. Is there a gym near where you work? That would be good for dealing with stress and anger management.

It is likely that these married men are jealous of your youth, singlehood and success. They sound pathetic groping young girls at work dos. Like others said they are probably not as popular behind their backs but people go along with them because they are afraid of being bullied themselves.

Rise above it. You are above them already and it's killing them.

CaraMay

Your level of anger is really quite worrying. I don't understand why you continue to go out with these people. It's not mandatory?!?!?

valoren

You sound like a committed and professional guy OP.
My best guess is that these 2 guys see you as a threat.
They are engaged in a 'campaign' to oust you from your position.

I would use this as a litmus test for your current employer.
Any company worth working for will have codes of conduct that include bullying.
Don't worry about the effect of going to HR or management might have.
That is precisely what they are there for. Give them the works. "I am committed to this company and would like to continue my contribution to growing the business of the company etc etc, however recently....."

Make notes of what has been going on and explain it to your manager.
Explain to them that your work is affected. Your manager should then engage HR about this.
Explain that you feel that you feel like you are being bullied by these two individuals.

How they handle it will explain a lot about your companies culture. Maybe the HR dept are friendly with the 2 guys and will fob you off, considering they are older and probably there longer than you.

If you feel like you are not getting any support from either your manager or HR then I would seriously consider engaging a solicitor who specialises in employment law. If anything this would display to management that you are serious and not a trouble maker.

If you are not supported where you should be and feel like the company just see you as fodder then the possibility of getting sued or flirting with reputational damage is incredibly effective at making them do their jobs.

Don't feel like you have no one to support you. You are protected and supported by law.
You'll likely find that when these 2 guys are presented with formal warnings etc then their coughs will get softened. Hopefully your management teams take bullying as serious as they should and you will get the promotion and respect you deserve.

Keyzer

Document everything from here on in and go straight to your manager and then HR - simple as.

These idiots are bullying you and they shouldn't be allowed to get away with it. Sounds like you have a number of people who have witnessed their behaviour to you in person so don't be afraid to lean on them either.

Keep us updated.

caille

Some excellent advice given here, I just want to reiterate the keeping a log of incidents, yes, it is upsetting but it is a record and one that can be used if things have to be taken further.

One thing I wouldn't do is assume that you can go to others in your office who are witnesses. Office politics can be very strange, best to try and sort this out with HR yourself first initially. It was something I was told years ago in a previous job and it made sense, those you think are your friends in an office setting may not be.

Finally, don't mix socialising and work, bar the obligatory Xmas party. I don't even do that now, drink and work colleagues are a lethal combination as I have learned, nothing too hard but enough to make avoid now.

I really hope you get this sorted, I was fuming for you when I read your original post and wanted to check back in to see if there were any developments.