Feeling pressured

Ruby31

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just to have a rant.

I'm a stay-at-home mum to two kids. The youngest is 3. My problem is a couple of friends who keep going on at me asking what my plan is with regards to going back to work.

I don't want to go into too much detail for obvious reasons, but due to depression and anxiety when I was in school and college, I never had the drive or confidence to pursue a proper career. I always worked though, until I was made redundant 4 years ago.

My husband has a very well-paid job and is career-driven and extremely confident. He's always striving to better himself which means he wants to keep studying to enable him to progress further.

Basically my issue is the fact that every time I meet up with these friends, I'm questioned about what my plan is with regards to getting back to work. I think on the one hand, they've no respect for homemakers, but on the other hand, they think I'm taking the easy route and taking on the role of lady of leisure.

I am struggling so much with my youngest and really don't enjoy being at home all day. I feel stuck as I don't have the earning power. I'd literally be working to pay a childminder and I'd be lucky to break even. I can't up-skill as I'm minding my kids and my husband is starting a new part-time course in September as well as working full-time and commuting 1.5hrs each way.

The pressure I'm feeling from these friends is making me feel so down and useless. I went to school with them and they know I'm very lacking in confidence,
So I don't understand why they feel the need to question me all the time. I've had a few smart comments along the lines of 'just take any job to get back working' but I can't do that because, as o said, I'd have to pay for childminding for two kids.

I feel so inferior when I meet these friends. At the moment, I feel like I want to avoid them, but isolating myself is the absolute worst thing I can do as I am always prone to getting depressed!

I'm completely stuck in a rut.

Help!

canttalk

Hi Ruby31,

I totally get where you're coming from. You want to stay at home with the children, but the mundane everyday things and lack of adult interaction are boring you....yet you seem stick in a loop of inertia regards a job and scared to get back in work.

First thing- you sound very unhappy. Hubby has a good job and provides and kids are healthy but you also need validation from yourself that you're a useful person. Some can get if from honemaking- I never could. It's OK to chose either work or home but here you have to be strategic if your husband is going back to college.

What did you study in college? I ask because maybe you could check springboard and see if anything there interests you. Its worth it. Or take one of the vtos or fas courses to get out of the house or start a new career path. Some offer childcare if you're lucky. Either way a college course offers flexibility around children that full time work won't.

Its worth bearing in mind that even getting back into work is not as easy as all that. So this may be a way of renewing your confidence. Or maybe see if you can develop a hobby you can use to socialise a little bit with like minded people, as maybe its time to expand the friendship circle if the current ones bring you down?

Friendship isn't supposed to be hard work. If your friends are the reason you feel bad, cut back on time spent with them. I know when I'm depressed I don't think straight and am apt to take even well meaning statements as an indictment or criticism of my life - the problem being me, not them. I'm not as bad as I used to be but CBT with a very good therapist got me out of a 15 year depressive cycle that had me with no confidence whatsoever.

I'm still not the most confident but now I love myself a whole lot more and the biggest plus is knowing that no matter what snidey horrible comment I get it doesn't really matter when I look in the mirror, even if it hurts at the time (I used to get v devastated).

Perhaps a chat with your go about counseling? You sound unhappy and unfocused and if you can't manage college, work or staying at home as options for whatever reasons at least get a boost in working on self worth so it won't matter what your friends say.

All the best.

StripedBoxers

Ruby31 wrote: »

My husband has a very well-paid job and is career-driven and extremely confident. He's always striving to better himself which means he wants to keep studying to enable him to progress further.

Ruby31 wrote: »

I feel stuck as I don't have the earning power. I'd literally be working to pay a childminder and I'd be lucky to break even.

Surely child care cost would be split 50/50? Would you husband be able to pay most or all of the childcare costs if you were to re-skill?

As for your friends - tell them to mind their own business. Whether or not you go back to work is your business and you are under no obligation to explain or justify yourself or your reasons to them or to anyone.

They sound like interfering busy bodies telling you what to do, and I wouldn't be long telling them where to put their noses in future.

Tasden

Any chance your friends are worried about you sinking back into depression/anxiety by being at home all day with the kids and they are trying to be supportive? It doesn't seem like they are judging your decision moreso they know what its like to be at home all day and are urging you to get a job to get you out of the house.

I would just tell them what your plan is and that you're happy with your decision. But maybe they are picking up on the fact you are not all that happy and they want to help?

I went back to full time education six weeks after i had my child and I felt a lot of judgement (from other mothers mainly) about that decision. I felt the pressure that I should be a stay at home mother and I felt like I was failing in that regard. But I was young and knew if i didn't do it then I never would so that was the right choice for me. You will unfortunately always be judged or told what is the best way to be a mother and truth is there is no such thing. You do what you need to do and you don't have to answer to anybody.

Neyite

Hang on here a sec, OP. You are SERIOUSLY underselling yourself here.

For about the last 5+ years, you have taken on all the childcare. What you have done is given your husband the opportunity to shine in his job - no rushing out the door at a set time to do crèche pick up. Overtime. Networking or nights out associated with work. If his boss landed a last minute deadline in his lap in the afternoon, he was able to take it on. He never had to bail out of work to pick up a sick teething baby from childcare, or take a half-day to let the plumber in.

He did that because you gave him the freedom to focus fully on his work, on his career, while you focused fully on your family and your home. So you are FAR from worthless. FAR from a failure. I could not stay at home full time with two preschoolers - its bloody hard work, people don't really realise. It's like being a PA for the worst diva in the world. And you have two!

But, I do think that maybe either your friends are trying to encourage you to develop more of a work-life balance or they might just be nosy. If its the latter, then let them off. I think it's important for a stay at home mother to have something of her own - a hobby, or a part time job, where you can be you, not Mammy. Would you be interested in looking into a qualification you could pursue in the next year or two that you could develop further when your youngest is in school in the next year or two?

I agree with you by the way. Pointless to go out to work, have issues with your children adjusting to childcare, bailing out of work when they get sick etc if you are no better off financially as a family. It might be different if both are in school and its only after school care you'd need. But childcare is too expensive unless you have a decent job that gives you a bit left over. But you also have to weigh up your own wellbeing too. If you are cracking up at home then its time to try to find a better balance that suits you, if you can.

LegacyUser

I wonder are you picking them up wrong, OP? Are they good friends otherwise? People don't put as much thought into us as we put into ourselves!! You are feeling a bit low and useless (skills/careers wise) at the moment and you think that others also think that about you. I'd bet that's not what they're thinking, at all. I'd say if they knew the affect their question was having on you they would never ask it again. Honestly, I would say they are just making conversation, not very original conversation, but conversation nonetheless.

Do they work? Do they talk about work? Maybe they feel that talking about work excludes you, so they try to clumsily include you? The impression I'm getting is you are not very confident in your own choice to be a stay at home mother. And because you are unsure of yourself you think others are judging you. It is perfectly acceptable to say "We're lucky in that John's job pays enough so that I can stay at home. Maybe when Sarah starts school, I'll pick up something part time. I don't have any immediate plans".

I have children and stayed at home until they all started school. This was my choice, and that's how I explained it anytime it came up in conversation. I never felt the judgement you speak of. If anything I felt that other mothers who had to work envied me for being able to stay at home. But that is because I was happy in my own choice. I knew I'd eventually go back to something, but I also knew after 9 years out of the work force I wasn't going to be fighting for top jobs! I'm not career orientated. The perfect part-time job fell into my lap, it's not very demanding but it is so enjoyable. I love it. And I love being back in work. There is no prospect of promotion, but equally there is no expectation of overtime(on the contrary, on quiet days the boss is pushing me out the door early, to go home!). There is no pressure.

I am happy to spend the rest of my life in this exact position! We can live on my husband's wages, and my wages go into the "college fund". And now that I am back in part-time work, I think the full-time working mothers are jealous that I drop the kids to school, go to work and am back in time to collect them! (Or maybe like I've told you, they're not all that interested in me at all )

We are the centre of our own worlds. That goes for everyone. Your friends are mildly interested in your life and how you are getting on. But they have far more going on in their own lives to spend too much time judging you and worrying about whether or not you will get a job. If you are happy in yourself and confident about your choices others will recognise that. If you are unhappy and seem down they will also pick up on that.

Be happy. You have a great opportunity to spend the early years with your children. That is priceless. If you're happy, your friends should be happy for you.