I feel like I can't date or nobody will date me because I don't have a career

Rodney12

Please I really need help, I suppose I've been brought up listening to my parents going on and on about careers sine I was probably 12 years old and it seems that's how they judge a person based on what they do and their worth as a person, I think because of this I have major anxiety around jobs and careers and also because there is no career I'm passionate about. It's also something that's brought up in the first 5 minutes when u meet someone new what u do?

Am I worthless because I don't have a high flying career, I work in jobs that I feel I can cope with. Having a partner and a family is something I really want to happen in life but I feel I can't even try to find someone unless I have a career

I just feel like all society cares about is how much money you have and what Career you have, I can't meet those expectations.

I don't even know if this makes sense but I feel like crap because a of it, I just get really upset when I see families because I think it's something il never have... I think I'm cracking up at this stage......

baby and crumble

I feel for you OP. First thing I want to do is assure you that while some older people like your folks have that kind of view, most people of our generation don't. I'm 34 and really could only now be thought of (and think of myself!) as having a 'career' rather than a series of jobs.

First things first- do you want a career? As in, look at a sector and build your way up through it over a number of decades. Because that's what a career is, really. It's a path, but it's not a gaurentee.

I'd advise you to try and let go of that attitude your parents have instilled in you, because really it's not healthy at all, and it really isn't what the majority of people your age think.

If you're having problems meeting people and finding a partner it's probably down far more to your lack of confidence because of this attitude of your parents than anything else.

Rodney12

baby and crumble wrote: »

I feel for you OP. First thing I want to do is assure you that while some older people like your folks have that kind of view, most people of our generation don't. I'm 34 and really could only now be thought of (and think of myself!) as having a 'career' rather than a series of jobs.

First things first- do you want a career? As in, look at a sector and build your way up through it over a number of decades. Because that's what a career is, really. It's a path, but it's not a gaurentee.

I'd advise you to try and let go of that attitude your parents have instilled in you, because really it's not healthy at all, and it really isn't what the majority of people your age think.

If you're having problems meeting people and finding a partner it's probably down far more to your lack of confidence because of this attitude of your parents than anything else.

Thanks I do go out and I do like meeting new people because I like talking to people who don't know me because they have nothing to judge me on, everything you said is true it is my lack of confidence and how I feel myself about the whole thing as I have been asked out on dates and went but then these feelings of worthlessness come back associated with that area and I end up putting an end to meeting up with that person. The other problem I have u see is my anxiety which is directly linked to jobs and careers, I've gone to counselling for this but nothing much has changed. Thanks for ur reply I really appreciate it....

ongarboy

Agreed that it comes across that it is your lack of self worth rather than your actual job or career (or lack thereof) that is the biggest barrier to you being a happier person. The dating problem is just a symptom of that underlying issue.

Sexual chemistry, personality, sense of ethics and morals, appearance, interests and motivations are all bigger drivers in deciding if someone is interested in you. Your career status and/or wealth are highly superficial attributes and I would steer clear of potential suitors/partners who would prioritize those attributes. I do think you need to address your self esteem and place less emphasis on your career as a defining benchmark of who and what you are. I'm guessing if you were attracted to someone, you would not be turned off if they weren't a high flying career oriented person. Why would you think they'd judge you any differently?

You said past counselling did not benefit you. Would you consider therapy with a different counsellor who may help you open up and explore root cause aspects that did not get addressed or dealt with properly from your earlier counselling? I do think it's something that you need to tackle as it will just fester and continue to cause you issues if you do not. That would be a shame as it would be wonderful for you to truly realise that your career and job does not make you a better person. Instead it's your own sense of self worth, simply liking and respecting yourself and not judging yourself so harshly is what makes you a better person. Once you realise this, that's what will emanate from you to the outside world far more effectively then any amount of career milestones, promotions or salary bumps.

Rodney12

ongarboy wrote: »

Agreed that it comes across that it is your lack of self worth rather than your actual job or career (or lack thereof) that is the biggest barrier to you being a happier person. The dating problem is just a symptom of that underlying issue.

Sexual chemistry, personality, sense of ethics and morals, appearance, interests and motivations are all bigger drivers in deciding if someone is interested in you. Your career status and/or wealth are highly superficial attributes and I would steer clear of potential suitors/partners who would prioritize those attributes. I do think you need to address your self esteem and place less emphasis on your career as a defining benchmark of who and what you are. I'm guessing if you were attracted to someone, you would not be turned off if they weren't a high flying career oriented person. Why would you think they'd judge you any differently?

You said past counselling did not benefit you. Would you consider therapy with a different counsellor who may help you open up and explore root cause aspects that did not get addressed or dealt with properly from your earlier counselling? I do think it's something that you need to tackle as it will just fester and continue to cause you issues if you do not. That would be a shame as it would be wonderful for you to truly realise that your career and job does not make you a better person. Instead it's your own sense of self worth, simply liking and respecting yourself and not judging yourself so harshly is what makes you a better person. Once you realise this, that's what will emanate from you to the outside world far more effectively then any amount of career milestones, promotions or salary bumps.

Thanks for ur reply I know this is something I've to work on its just these feelings have been festering for years and I know that a job or career doesn't make the person but I just feel when I tell someone what i do, I just feel down regardless of their judgement and also be thinking wouldn't they prefer to be on a date with a person who has a good career, if somebody has a good career would they tend do go out with someone on the same level as them career wise?

I just feel like less of a person than a person with a career. I just meet someone yday who brought up that I didn't have a proper job because it's a temporary role, and that I can't say what I am, what I'm qualified as. Il start up counselling again because getting a high flying career is not an option for me with my anxiety.

silverharp

Sometimes you just need to relax and take a long term perspective. I know some young people that think their life is over if they misplace a year or two and Ive worked with people who only got their qualifications in their mid thirties and may have had a chaotic enough twenties but it all tends to come good in the end.
You dont have to have a "high flying career" if you dont want one but there is no reason to sell yourself short either. If say you are working in an office type environment you could always set yourself the goal of maybe getting an accounting technician qualification or getting into payroll and do their exams and within a few years you have a marketable skill or think of doing the equivalent in whatever sector you might like to work in
As far as relationships go again relax and take a long term perspective, you clearly need "some" financial stability if you want to take on the role of husband and father in the future but but you are not telling me there are no dads working into Tescos or any other number of "non high flying careers"?
My guess is that you have a standard in your head which you know you cant meet now so have declared yourself a failure. This is simply a wrong way to look at things, give yourself a break and give yourself a chance to regroup and move forward.

Rodney12

Thanks guys for all ur reply's I feel better about the whole thing, I know I still am lost career wise and my feelings around that, it's something il just have to keep trying and working through but as regards the dating I feel it's something I can approach, I want them to take me for the person I am and to judge me on that , my counsellor once said to me that il attract like minded people, that u gravitate towards them. I think I'm going to join to go to a speed dating event next month, it's something I've wanted to do for a while but kept putting it off.

castaway_lady

People ask what you do for a few reasons, its a safer topic of conversation than politics etc and its 'something' to say as oppose to nothing...its going to be more likely chatting to a girl that she'll have a chat bout her job because shes likely to have a job as oppose to the odds of her having a knowledge of the premiership.

Of course people also use the topic as a means of guaging compatibility and whether that prospective person shares their way of life i.e. work to live/live to work mentality...along with goals in life and the likes. Saves wasting time and potential conflict later in a way. But i think most would just want a sense that there was a work ethic there and that theyd have an equal partnership going forward in life.

Rodney12

Sorry guys I'm female, I'm going to be 27 next month...

silverharp

Rodney12 wrote: »

Sorry guys I'm female, I'm going to be 27 next month...

lol, so much for my preconceptons, it seemed more like a problem that would wreck the head of a guy.

Stheno

Do you have a steady job OP?

Rodney12

No, I'm working full time at the moment but it's to cover maternity, last 2 to 3 years I would be unemployed for a period then get work for a few months and back to unemployed again, I was on a ce scheme for 2 months before I got this, I'm in office/clerical work. I've a degree in arts but no sense of direction, I applied for nursing through the Cao this year but I think that was out of desperation and seeing that it's a career, don't really know if I could do that job.... Also a lot of the jobs I apply for have apptitude test which I struggle with quite a lot with.

I know this might not sound right but I tend to steer more towards temporary roles because of my anxiety, it's like I know if I can't cope or am struggling there's an end date....

johnnyskeleton

Rodney12 wrote: »

Please I really need help, I suppose I've been brought up listening to my parents going on and on about careers sine I was probably 12 years old and it seems that's how they judge a person based on what they do and their worth as a person, I think because of this I have major anxiety around jobs and careers and also because there is no career I'm passionate about.

Rodney12 wrote: »

Sorry guys I'm female, I'm going to be 27 next month...

Next time your talking to someone new in a social environment, why don't you lie to them? Tell them that you are looking for crowd funding for an adult petting zoo, or that you are a typesetting for a newspaper. Any whacky thing that springs to mind. The zanier the better. This will show people that you're a bit of fun and create mystery about you. Both good things (in a social environment; obviously acting like that with co-workers will lead to some puzzling results). Then, when you tell them what you really do, I bet you anything that they won't care. They mightn't even ask you what you really do if your imagined world is whacky enough.

It's also something that's brought up in the first 5 minutes when u meet someone new what u do?

Another trick:
Guy: So what do you for work?
Rodney12: Let's not talk about boring things. I want to dance/drink a shot of tequila etc.

I just feel like all society cares about is how much money you have and what Career you have, I can't meet those expectations.

Not true. Some people do. What you are looking for is the other kind of people. And if you're only meeting the former kind, you need to actively look for people who care about other things, not try to fit yourself in.

Rodney12 wrote: »

I know this might not sound right but I tend to steer more towards temporary roles because of my anxiety, it's like I know if I can't cope or am struggling there's an end date....

Try to treat it as an advantage. If you have worked in a lot of different places, you will get to know a lot of different people. Try to keep in contact with the people who you get along well with.

Stheno

Rodney12 wrote: »

No, I'm working full time at the moment but it's to cover maternity, last 2 to 3 years I would be unemployed for a period then get work for a few months and back to unemployed again, I was on a ce scheme for 2 months before I got this, I'm in office/clerical work. I've a degree in arts but no sense of direction, I applied for nursing through the Cao this year but I think that was out of desperation and seeing that it's a career, don't really know if I could do that job.... Also a lot of the jobs I apply for have apptitude test which I struggle with quite a lot with.

I know this might not sound right but I tend to steer more towards temporary roles because of my anxiety, it's like I know if I can't cope or am struggling there's an end date....

So is it the lack of progression and the constant temporary roles that cause you to worry? I can understand that tbh, if you had a permanent role at a minimum wage at least you have security, you sound like you've no employment security.

Have you sought out counselling options for your anxiety?

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

Next time your talking to someone new in a social environment, why don't you lie to them? Tell them that you are looking for crowd funding for an adult petting zoo, or that you are a typesetting for a newspaper. Any whacky thing that springs to mind. The zanier the better. This will show people that you're a bit of fun and create mystery about you. Both good things (in a social environment; obviously acting like that with co-workers will lead to some puzzling results). Then, when you tell them what you really do, I bet you anything that they won't care. They mightn't even ask you what you really do if your imagined world is whacky enough.

I would strongly advise against this, if you struggle to cope with life as it is, inventing a lie and maintaining it over any period of time will add to the anxiety.

Cupcake_Crisis

Rodney12 wrote: »

Sorry guys I'm female, I'm going to be 27 next month...

Hey OP, I'm a very similar age to you so I just wanted to give you my two cents.

From reading your post I got a huge impression that your self esteem is really low. Having a "career" isn't going to change that. It's only in recent months that I've gotten a job that woukd be considered a "career" and I can tell you that all the same feelings and problems I had before are still there, I just have them with a better job on the side.

Take some time for yourself , figure out what you want. Don't pay attention to what other people are getting up to, you're what's important. Make yourself happy before you start looking for someone. Go speak to someone about your anxiety issues. I read somewhere that you can't expect someone to share your life with you when you're not happy with it yourself.

But above all else OP, be proud of yourself. You have a job and that's no mean feat in this day and age. Take some pressure off.

johnnyskeleton

Stheno wrote: »

I would strongly advise against this, if you struggle to cope with life as it is, inventing a lie and maintaining it over any period of time will add to the anxiety.

I wasn't suggesting that she maintain the lie. Quite the contrary, in fact.

magicmushroom

You are working full time at the moment.

So if someone asks what you do, you say - I am working at (insert company name here). You don't need to go onto detail and say it's temporary.

I personally wouldn't go into detail about my job and its security, benefits, career opportunities etc with someone until I was 'involved' with them.

And by that stage, they know if they like me for me and my job shouldn't matter a jot.

I think you are over worrying OP.
If I met someone and fell for them, what they do for work would honestly be the last thing on my mind.
I know in the future it could cause issues if you wanted to get a mortgage or something but when you love someone, you make your situation work and I wouldn't be put off a person I fancied just because they might not be able to get a mortgage with me 10 years from now!

beks101

Your anxiety is the problem here, not your career or lack of.

Also, it's not very PC to say, but I find men tend to be way way way less bothered about "what you do for a living" in the dating world than women do. I spent my 20s in a high-flying career and found that more of a problem than a help in my dating life tbh. Many men were either intimidated by it or didn't understand the 24/7 nature of my job and things would go stale. 9 times out of 10, if a man finds you attractive, your job won't matter.

That's all largely irrelevant to the real issue here though. No career will take away your anxiety and lack of self esteem, in fact I'd say it would probably do the opposite.

santana75

Op you're the only one creating this block in your life. Its true that your parents gave it to you, but you get to decide now whether you want to accept or reject that belief. I promise that if you had the greatest job in the world you would still come up with some reason as to why you're not good enough. It would never end. You have to understand that you're good enough as you are right now. Theres nothing you can do in your life that will add or take value from you and if thats the case then all you're left with is expressing who you really are. Like do things that bring you pleasure, not anything you think would impress anyone else or gain you worth. You already have those things, but you just lost sight of that. Its just a decision you make for yourself, that you're good enough right now, end of story. And anything you feel you'd like to do will be for your enjoyment and fun.

cazzer22

Rodney12 wrote: »

Please I really need help, I suppose I've been brought up listening to my parents going on and on about careers sine I was probably 12 years old and it seems that's how they judge a person based on what they do and their worth as a person, I think because of this I have major anxiety around jobs and careers and also because there is no career I'm passionate about. It's also something that's brought up in the first 5 minutes when u meet someone new what u do?

Am I worthless because I don't have a high flying career, I work in jobs that I feel I can cope with. Having a partner and a family is something I really want to happen in life but I feel I can't even try to find someone unless I have a career

I just feel like all society cares about is how much money you have and what Career you have, I can't meet those expectations.

I don't even know if this makes sense but I feel like crap because a of it, I just get really upset when I see families because I think it's something il never have... I think I'm cracking up at this stage......

I really hate the way everyone feels like they have to adhere to what society says is the right thing to do. My boyfriend doesn't have a set career and has worked in a variety of different jobs. Anyone who looks down on him will get a piece of my mind. So long as you're happy and are enjoying what you do, then that's all you need. Don't feel the need to have a 'career'. I have one and in some ways I wish I didn't because it brings it's own stresses. I teach, but it's not something I'll do forever and I plan to try lots of different careers to be honest. I've always been a worrier about what other people think and it's your life, you live it and do what makes you happy. You will find someone who loves you for you and not for your 'career'. A lot of people who have these high flying careers are seriously unhappy, things aren't always as they appear on the surface.

cazzer22

magicmushroom wrote: »

You are working full time at the moment.

So if someone asks what you do, you say - I am working at (insert company name here). You don't need to go onto detail and say it's temporary.

I personally wouldn't go into detail about my job and its security, benefits, career opportunities etc with someone until I was 'involved' with them.

And by that stage, they know if they like me for me and my job shouldn't matter a jot.

I think you are over worrying OP.
If I met someone and fell for them, what they do for work would honestly be the last thing on my mind.
I know in the future it could cause issues if you wanted to get a mortgage or something but when you love someone, you make your situation work and I wouldn't be put off a person I fancied just because they might not be able to get a mortgage with me 10 years from now!

Great advice here and you're so right. Why bother going into the ins and outs of your career with someone you barely know? Someone's career is not necessarily something I would take into account before I start seeing them.

Rodney12

Thank you to everyone for your replies, I really appreciatate it, I think everyone here has given me great advice and feel a lot more hopeful about things, I knows there's a few different issues that I need to tackle separately, the anxiety and I definitely feel now I shouldn't feel any less of a person than someone with a career but I would just love if I could have some sort of direction but there's nothing, I just feel like I'm drifting but I know I also talk myself out of jobs because I feel I wouldn't be able to cope with it. I suppose I've struggled with low self esteem since I was a teenager during that time it would have been about my looks which resulted in me developing an eating disorder when I started college which thankfully I have recovered more or less from. I've just bee brought up being compared to others my entire life and it's just had a major impact on me. Thanks to everyone for listening.

Rodney12

santana75 wrote: »

Op you're the only one creating this block in your life. Its true that your parents gave it to you, but you get to decide now whether you want to accept or reject that belief. I promise that if you had the greatest job in the world you would still come up with some reason as to why you're not good enough. It would never end. You have to understand that you're good enough as you are right now. Theres nothing you can do in your life that will add or take value from you and if thats the case then all you're left with is expressing who you really are. Like do things that bring you pleasure, not anything you think would impress anyone else or gain you worth. You already have those things, but you just lost sight of that. Its just a decision you make for yourself, that you're good enough right now, end of story. And anything you feel you'd like to do will be for your enjoyment and fun.

Thanks and I completely agree what u said about my parents, I know most decent people would not have these views, it all just comes down to how I feel myself.

caille

Hi OP, great advice given here, just want to add that I went through this thinking in my 20s but it did not affect me meeting guys or relationships, it was my issue, not theirs and once I realised that, I could let it go. I still don't have a career as such but I am now in a permanent job with the usual benefits and it suits me, very much. If anything, I got more focussed on finding out what suits me regarding work, conditions etc and I ended up in an area where I am happy enough.

You will be ok, no one man should judge you on if you have a career or not, if he does, lose him!