Boyfriend bigging himself up constantly?

LegacyUser

I’m seeing a guy for the past year and it’s been going very well, he’s kind, caring, very good looking, very confident and comfortable, but recently I’m noticing him doing something odd and I’m not sure how to handle it. He may have always done it, but I only noticed it more the past few months as it’s almost daily.

He keeps telling stories which show him as the victor or the powerful one or the hero or the most macho.

I’ve known him for years as we work in the same big company (totally different departments) so we know quite a few of the same people. Sometimes we share lunch together with other colleagues.

He will never tell me he has had a bad day (even when I know he has!), but he is a very positive person which I like. If we are talking about friends or family or work situations in which there was some negative interaction between two people, he will always say that if that situation happened to him, he wouldn’t have been walked on, or he would’ve won the argument.

A few days ago I was telling him about the time my car was crashed into by a driver who fled and how I was too shocked to react, but he quickly took over the conversation and didn’t really let me finish my story. Instead he told me how one time a Garda car hit his car and kept going and how he followed them and chased them down and got into an argument and they told him they would prosecute him but he read them the riot act. I suspect the story was greatly over-exaggerated (if even true?) because reading a riot act to Gardai isn’t really something that happens. These stories are becoming more and more regular.

Yesterday we had lunch together with 2 other co-workers who work alongside my bf. There is drama in another department with a nasty bully manager. We talked about how it would be terrible to have to work with this manager, how staff only ever last a few months at most, and how 2 staff members yesterday quit because of his tactics. My bf piped up several times “That wouldn’t happen to me!” and nobody really acknowledged it. He then said “I wish they would transfer me into his department.”
It felt a little uncomfortable, it was clear he wanted someone to ask him “why” so he could share a story of heroics and the other two guys who know him for years made sure not to ask. I guess they are used to such stories? Or maybe it only happens when I’m there to impress me?

Finally when my bf said again “Maybe I should volunteer to be transferred to [that manager’s] department” one of them said “Why?” and my bf launched into a story about how he would be well fit to handle this guy and he would enjoy arguing back with him and he wouldn’t back down and he would happily come to work every single day and never give in to his tactics, and bully him back just as much.

It seems a little like immaturity maybe, but he’s 39 (I’m 34). It’s like a show of machoism? As a person, he’s not a bull****ter type. He doesn’t boast about his house or his bank balance or his car or his job.

I guess I’m not sure how to handle it. I notice more and more other people tend to glaze over a little when he starts telling a long story about a scenario he handled exceptionally well, they ignore him trying to share it a couple of times and then he finds another way to share it. Frankly it’s a little embarrassing. Even I find myself kind of tuning out, because I already know the outcome – you won, you knew better than everyone else, you were the best.

And I feel really mean for saying it, because in every other way he is so perfect. This is literally the only negative thing I can say about him, and I guess I’m hoping he will grow out of it, or it’s just a phase??! Has anyone experienced similar?

Jenneke87

How to handle it I don't know, but I dated someone like that and it was exhausting. He never acknowledged anything I said, but would continously talk about all the things he'd done, the fights he'd gotten into, how he was better and smarter then other people, how tough he'd had it in live. At some point I could recite those stories by heart, as he never had anything new to tell and didn't really care for what I had to say or had done.

I stopped seeing him eventually. Even though I was in love with im(and part of me still is) it never would have been a happy relationship if we had gotten together somehow. If you really think your boyfriend is making things up or constantly trying to get attention and show off you need to sit him down and tell him you noticed that his stories don't add up and what's going on with him. Soon, this will become very draining as it will always be about him and all the grand things he has done, real or imagined.

Augme

He's 39 so the chances of him growing out of it I'd say are slim. I can't imagine it's a phase either, and judging by the reaction of his colleagues it's a phase that has last a while so you might be waiting a long time for him to get through it. Sounds like he's a bit insecure and either needs to re-assure himself of how great he is or is hoping other people will do it.

I don't envy your position. With someone like this I just can't imagine them taking criticism like this well. Generally people who think they are amazing react terribly when criticised I've found. But the only other option is to dump him.

Raminahobbin

I used to be with someone like that too, it really was exhausting!! And it meant all time spent in a group situation was definitely very uncomfortable exactly for the reasons you say- conversation flow is often stunted and redirected and people feel annoyed and awkward. Not a nice situation to be in.

How is your BF in general, mood wise? I ask, because in my ex's case I really think it was related to depression- google the term grandiosity and bipolar. My ex wasn't diagnosed with bipolar while I was with him, but he had other symptoms that *REALLY* seemed to fit and even he would have said he thought he was depressed. It's just something to think about- if you think the symptoms might fit your BF, it could be worthwhile striking up a dialogue about mental health with him.

orthsquel

tbh I'd agree with Augme and consider it attention seeking from someone who is quite insecure.
But I'd also consider that whatever he (your bf) says is just filler of no substance just for the sake of having conversation that isn't personal. Or just doesn't know how to communicate with people. But those stories are used to make himself sound more interesting... perhaps he otherwise struggles to have friends/good working relationships with co-workers without these stories. And amusing for a short while to people it can get very boring and tedious.
Does he launch into stories like that when it's just the two of you? I don't think it's something to really break up over but have you tried to broach the subject of it with him before? I don't mean call him out on it or confront him on it, but if he does launch into these stories when it's just the two of you, then he needs to know that it's really not necessary to do that to win you over. Maybe a bit of reassurance that he is just as interesting without those stories might help, or engaging him at work in conversation around others in an area that he is passionate about that won't lead to a big story.

fatknacker

Yeah I've a friend who's exactly like this. Kinda drifted away because it's a bit tiresome. It's like an over compensation for an insecurity.
It's more noticeable in groups, especially with new people. Not sure how to broach the subject easily as it seems ego-driven and could cause tensions.

Taboola

I've a mate like this. During lunch one day, just before he was going to go into one of his spiels someone said "Great! X is gonna tell us how great he is again" and everyone laughed. He stopped doing it then.

I'm not saying this is the best option but doing something like that might stop him. He might not realise he's doing it.

suicide_circus

At 39 this behaviour will not change. He's gonna be one of those auld fellas in the pub telling anyone who'll listen some obviously bullshít pony story about how great he is. Question is, can you live with that?

Stephen Gawking

Sounds like an impending mid life crisis to be honest OP. Childish, immature, tedious? Without a doubt. Sounds like your bf has more whoppers than burger king. You can either suffer in silence (and cringe/get embarrassed) or talk about it with him.

How you address the issue will be up to you but you can do so delicately & risk the message being lost or you can be blunt & 'offend' his pride. Whatever you decide to do sticking your head in the sand will achieve nothing so good luck in what you do.

beks101

I'd actually go with a line like Taboola mentioned. He's a grown adult and it might embarrass him into a bit of self awareness that he doesn't seem to have?

"Let me guess, another story about how great you are and how you saved the day? Is it really necessary to do this all the time?"

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks so much for the replies, I'm glad to know I'm not the only person to have experienced this. Seems like it's more common than I imagined.

A couple of weeks ago, one of his friends actually made a comment like what some of you suggest. My bf kept trying to interrupt with one of these stories and his friend said "and here comes "Johnny" with a story about how he saved the day!" And my bf quickly went the opposite way with it and said "no, I was actually going to say how that happened to me too and i messed it up even more than you did", he tried to make it a negative story about himself when he was called out, but it was the only way he could go ahead with telling a story, and it still turned out that he was the hero. It was very draining/awkward/uncomfortable. He didn't seem in any way affected by his friends comment, not embarrassed or awkward. He never is. Nothing phases him.

I've strongly considered that it's insecurity, but he's very self confident. He's very good looking and cool and calm, he has nothing to be insecure about. And if I'm honest, i probably fear more that it's an ego driven thing, that he truly does believe himself to be the best and wants us all to know. If the stories aren't about him (rare), then they're about his dad instead, and are the same nature - heroics and winning.

I should point out he's never had a serious long term relationship before me. He's never had much interest in pursuing women, apparently. He's very independent and was happy alone previous to now because he was busy with his career and travel.

He didn't always tell these stories to me when we are alone, but more recently he's started to, a lot. He's always done it when with the larger group of guy friends as far as I'm aware.

I don't understand why he would start now to tell me these stories, surely the longer we're together the less he should need to impress me that way..? I'm beginning to feel like this can't work long term, because he seems less and less interested in what I have to say and more interested in getting his stories in. 😕

Which is so confusing as he's done lots of interesting things in his life and shouldn't need to compensate with silly stories.

Augme

Awkward anna wrote: »

I've strongly considered that it's insecurity, but he's very self confident. He's very good looking and cool and calm, he has nothing to be insecure about. And if I'm honest, i probably fear more that it's an ego driven thing, that he truly does believe himself to be the best and wants us all to know. If the stories aren't about him (rare), then they're about his dad instead, and are the same nature - heroics and winning.

There's a lot of outwardly "self-confident" people who have really bad insecurity issues. Beeing good-looking and seemingly having everything going for you doesn't make a difference either. People who are insecure don't know their positives and just focus on the negatives internally. A lot will project self-confidence as a defence mechanism.

I'd be surprised if it's ego driven. Generally most people who are actually self-confident wouldn't tell stories about how amazing they are because they'd never feel the need to tell other people how amazing they are. Often they wouldn't care what other people think or they'd just think they are so great that they don't need to brag about it all the time.

Awkward anna wrote: »

I should point out he's never had a serious long term relationship before me. He's never had much interest in pursuing women, apparently. He's very independent and was happy alone previous to now because he was busy with his career and travel.

Did he tell you this? I struggle to believe that myself. Personally someone in their late 30's who's never had a serious relationship would worry me a lot. Given his character I think it's far more likely that he's been most often rejected by women or else he's been afraid to commit

Awkward anna wrote: »

He didn't always tell these stories to me when we are alone, but more recently he's started to, a lot. He's always done it when with the larger group of guy friends as far as I'm aware.

I don't understand why he would start now to tell me these stories, surely the longer we're together the less he should need to impress me that way..? I'm beginning to feel like this can't work long term, because he seems less and less interested in what I have to say and more interested in getting his stories in. 😕

Which is so confusing as he's done lots of interesting things in his life and shouldn't need to compensate with silly stories.

As you said earlier he might have been doing this longer but you just didn't notice it. Or else it's possible that he's realised that he really likes you and is afraid of losing you so he's trying to compensate for that by trying to tell you how amazing he is. He could have had something happened to him recently that knocked his confidence and he's doing this to try and boost it.

LegacyUser

He might have increased his stories with you because he has sensed that you are feeling a bit 'off' about him at present, but doesn't know why, so is increasing his heroic stories with you as a way to impress you or still hold on to you as a girlfriend? As you said yourself, he wasn't really like this when it was just the two of you before.

If this is the case it really would suggest that this storytelling thing does stem from some sort of insecurity rather than a large ego.

Whichever it is, whether it is insecurity or even if it is a bit of a too large ego and lack of social awareness in human interactions about how to not come across as self absorbed or arrogant to others; I think the only way to try and resolve it is with some discussion.

I would never try to embarrass someone I loved in front of a group of people by calling him out with a cheeky comment in front of everybody. I can see how that might seem like an option with someone I wasn't that close to who was an irritant, but I would never do it to my partner or even a close friend.

Just tell him what you've told us here. The next time he interrupts you with one of these stories about how he handled something so much better than you or somebody else just say something like

"I want to talk to you about something, there's this thing you do that really irritates me, it's been bugging me for awhile now. I have just told you about something that went bad for me today, sometimes I just need you to listen. I don't need you to constantly interrupt to tell me how you would have handled everything so much better, or to tell me stories about times you did everything in a better way to me or others. I've noticed that you bring every story back to talking about yourself, I don't know if you realise you do this or not but you do and I think other people have noticed it too. [*insert example of mutual friend's comment of Johnny 'saving the day' and also the example you gave us of co-workers deliberately trying to avoid having him give one of his spiels] .

You might at this point get an angry defensive retort such as "so what, should I just never talk about myself again? Should I just shut up and stay quiet?"

You could reply with "There's nothing wrong with being confident or being proud of how you handled a situation, but I don't think when somebody is just after relaying how something went bad for them is the best time to start bigging yourself up in comparison" "If somebody asks how you would have handled something or asks for advice by all means have your say, but it can come across as a bit self absorbed and arrogant when you CONSTANTLY turn stories around to be about yourself and how you played the heroic starring role in each story." "Sometimes it can be better to just lend an ear and listen and just give other people a chance to tell their story without always interjecting with a story of your own."

"I know that what I'm saying is probably not nice to hear, but please believe that I am not trying to hurt your feelings or be over critical, I'm telling you this because I am so happy otherwise with us [*list some things you love about him and things that make your relationship great*] it's just this one thing is really starting to bother me and I just really don't want it to become a bigger issue so felt I had to say something to you."

(If you thinks it's more insecurity you could also make some point of there being no need to constantly big himself up because you already find him great but find arrogance off-putting)

After that it's really up to himself how he processes that information. You'd really be doing him a favour in life by telling him the truth but whether he recognises that or not remains to be seen.

He might get very hurt, defensive or angry but hopefully it is not too bad and he actually listens and tries his best to take stock of what you said and make some changes. I suspect due to sheer force of habit this might be very difficult for him initially and he might occasionally easily slip into one of his yarns about how great he is but hopefully with a bit of effort and time things could improve and he makes more of an effort to listen to others and less time trying to 'one-up' other people's stories.

Because you've said that aside from this one thing he is otherwise a perfect boyfriend, then I really hope it works out for you two.

CaraMay

Oh cringe. Nothing I hate more. I know of a couple who gave just broken up mainly due to something similar. He joined the Garda reserves and seems to think he is head of the force. He used to bring up 'the squad car' / 'the station' / 'the force' within minutes of meeting strangers and seemed to be really deluded about his place on this earth. She eventually got sick of listening to his bull and they've gone their separate ways.

This is something that can rot and fester unless it's nipped in the bud. Then again do you really want to be with someone who acts like this?

Borisgem8

I had a friend like this when I was younger and he would exaggerate everything about himself. It never bothered me until one day someone pointed out that he did it to the extremes of making others look small. I noticed after that he did this with not only his girlfriend, but me. We got into a fight and never spoke again but a few years back I ran into his ex and she said he was actually depressed and hid it well from people. Just some food for thought.

LegacyUser

You say he seems less and less interested in what you have to say….This really stands out for me. I had an ex like this
When we first met he was very interested in what i had to say and who I was. He acted a perfect boyfriend in every way. On a superficial level it was like he wanted to tick the relationship box, when that was done he lost interest in who i was or what I had to say.
As time went on i could see the stories were part of deluding himself on a fairly serious level. He played a ‘role’ in these stories and i could see he needed to control situations. He used to tell a story to people often about how we met, it had some truth but totally exaggerated and as with all his stories, people in the story were declaring him a legend and telling him he had made their day. All the stories had this element, regardless of how potentially mundane or frankly annoying his role was in it, he saved the day and/or scores of people were amazed, in hysterics or declaring him a legend.
We never argued, well that should have been a red flag he never discussed his deepest feelings and avoided conflict at all costs, even pretending to go along with what i believed on some fundamental relationship stuff. We couldn’t develop emotionally as a couple that ways.
A massive warning sign was he spoke in an honest moment (there were some) about his ex gf (other long term relationship besides me) he said communication and s*x had completely broken down for a very long time with her (couple of years!!), but he had told me previously that he had bought a ring, had asked her parents and planned a romantic holiday proposal towards the end! It sounded a total broken mess but he was going to elaborately propose on holidays regardless! I could see him telling people how great everything was and about his romantic proposal story despite the fact she seemed completely starved of affection and attention, he had his lovely proposal story for the public!
In fairness he never painted her negatively and i don’t believe he would me. In fact he was probably too lacking in passion for either of us to have too much emotion negatively or positively!
Another story involved him accidentally setting off fireworks with a fag at a black tie event, evidently ruining the big surprise finale while everyone was inside eating their dinner, his version had everybody inviting him back next year and calling him a legend!. God there are so many, if i wasn’t there for when a lot of the stories happened you might believe it. While the ‘body’ of the story was exaggerated it always had some substance, but the finale of everybody worshiping his antics never happened where I was witness.
He wasn’t a bad guy, but our relationship wasn’t going to move forward with a deeper connection, the stories were becoming an uncomfortable barrier to us. I realised that i was just a role in one of these stories. Funnily he had a customer interfacing role and he would tell me client’s reactions to some of the stories about us as a couple. I mean in these stories it wasn’t me, it was his version of me/or a.n other GF. But they were so important to him, more so than me, I see now how easily replaceable i am in those stories.
Towards the end when it was clear we were going to break up I remember him bounding back to me after meeting someone with a similar ‘story’ to ours, he would not have a frank discussion about how he felt about us but was delighted to be still sharing stories about us.
OP just thought I would give you my experience; I would really proceed with caution, you’ll find eventually the stories are more important to him than you.

I have a close friend like this. He was a housemate of mine. The stories were just unbearable. He's now got himself a qualification and a job and a lovely girlfriend and the stories have stopped. I think they do come from a place of unhappiness. Perhaps ask your BF why he feels the need to tell these stories?

Lux23

Deleted User wrote: »

I have a close friend like this. He was a housemate of mine. The stories were just unbearable. He's now got himself a qualification and a job and a lovely girlfriend and the stories have stopped. I think they do come from a place of unhappiness. Perhaps ask your BF why he feels the need to tell these stories?

I agree with this, we all boast from time to time but if it is becoming habit that others are noticing it has to be related to unhappiness in some form.