How to handle this situation?

nademanmen

Hi All.

I am a regular user but am using a different account for posting this. I want some opinions on what people think of people who are married but have friends of the opposite sex.

I am married and love my wife dearly. We were in a long distance relationship for a while. It was never an issue though because I was always in her home country about 70% of the year. Recently we moved back here due to personal circumstances. I have some friends here both male and female since many many years. My wife has taken issue with the fact that some of my close friends are women. Now I have to be honest. I have no interest in these women but they are just old friends from college. One of them is married and has a kid and sometimes I will just baby sit her kid while her husband and herself go out or whatever. This annoys my wife and I want to deal with the issue appropriately. I want to keep everyone happy. I realise my wife is number one and that is fine. However my friends keep inviting me places and I keep saying no. My wife is also invited but she doesn't like my female friends I think. What should I do? Do I need to tell my female friends I need to focus on my marriage. Having said that is it wrong to completely abandon long term friends. It's wrecking my head all together.

silverharp

I have had a mixture of male and female friends from college and never had any issues meeting up, even stayed over or visited some abroad over the years with my wife. Clearly your marriage is your most important relationship but it shouldnt mean you have to cut off contact with your friends. Just reassure your wife but let her know at the same time that having your group of friends is important to you. For all you know you might all have kids of similar age in the future and its a nice network to have. While I personally have never had the feeling that I had to stand my ground with my wife , if you give in here when you are in no way in the wrong, you might be setting up a pattern for other things in the future which would mean nobody being happy

LegacyUser

My parents are married almost 35 years, & they would both be of the opinion that being alone with someone else of the opposite sex, having intimate private conversations, even as friends, is a boundary crossed. Maybe your OH is similarly old-school.

pookie82

I would understand this more if you had clingy, single female friends who texted night noon and morning and really intruded, but it sounds to me like this is just a social group who behave normally and invite you to things as a gang? If lone women are inviting you on cinema dates, for example, maybe she's entitled to feel a little uncomfortable with that, but meeting them all or just a few in a generic gang is different. I cannot see how babysitting a friend's child while she goes out with her husband would threaten your wife.

I would tell her that you do not intend to let these friendships die, and that she is more than welcome to come along herself to these gatherings and be involved. If she refuses, AND sulks if you go, she's being unreasonable.

Male/female friendships tend to pose a problem if they're kept secretive or the spouse feels excluded, but it sounds like she's being included, just doesn't want to make the effort. You'll have to talk to her and tell her it would mean a lot to you for her to make the effort here as you don't want to lose your friendships, or be selective about them based on the person's gender. Has she said why she doesn't like them? Do they (intentionally or otherwise) make her feel left out when she's with them? It's easily done by accident if you all sit around discussing memories and people she can't remember or doesn't know. Are any of the women in the group unconsciously a bit flirty or touchy feely with you? I'm just trying to figure out why she might have a problem. These are questions you need to ask her.

You seem to indicate that your wife isn't Irish. Could it be that her cultural background isn't as "liberal" about men and women having platonic relationships?

LegacyUser

When you are babysitting is it something that happens last minute that results in you breaking plans with your wife?

Do you go out socially with other groups of friends? Like is she ok going out with any of your male friends and their wives/girlfriends?

Lisacatlover

You're a grown man and she's not your mother. She doesn't get to tell you who's allowed to be your friend. She doesn't get to sulk like a little child about who they are either.