Boyfriend is needy and obsessed?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I have a few issues with my boyfriend. We have dated on and off for 6 months and mainly due to him smoking weed and I'd probably take a wild guess that he got overly paranoid and maybe he was addicted (?) So he gave it up after I couldn't take the accusations, being treated like dirt, and the arguments anymore.

So this brings me to now. He claims that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, I'm his world, can't live without me. While we broke up he couldn't eat or sleep and I'd say he was in a bad way as he said it was the worst feeling in the world.

He has been pleading with me to give him another chance and he's given up the weed and got himself enrolled in a College course... I know this is going to sound a bit strange but it's the same college course that I did.
I just feel that he's a bit of a lost cause, he just seems to follow what I do and hasn't got his own drum to beat to. He came over this morning and I had to tell him to go get some breakfast because the past few months he can't eat and I'm losing respect for the guy! I mean who goes into a relationship and starves themselves because they are so consumed in the relationship. He has no self control at all and I find it too much.

When he's around me I feel smothered. I told him to go and see a therapist because letting his emotions affect him to the point where he can't function is wrong isn't it? Getting upset and losing his temper over small things isn't right is it?

I'm finding it hard to see the bigger picture.

LegacyUser

Bearhugger16 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I have a few issues with my boyfriend. We have dated on and off for 6 months and mainly due to him smoking weed and I'd probably take a wild guess that he got overly paranoid and maybe he was addicted (?) So he gave it up after I couldn't take the accusations, being treated like dirt, and the arguments anymore.

So this brings me to now. He claims that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, I'm his world, can't live without me. While we broke up he couldn't eat or sleep and I'd say he was in a bad way as he said it was the worst feeling in the world.

He has been pleading with me to give him another chance and he's given up the weed and got himself enrolled in a College course... I know this is going to sound a bit strange but it's the same college course that I did.
I just feel that he's a bit of a lost cause, he just seems to follow what I do and hasn't got his own drum to beat to. He came over this morning and I had to tell him to go get some breakfast because the past few months he can't eat and I'm losing respect for the guy! I mean who goes into a relationship and starves themselves because they are so consumed in the relationship. He has no self control at all and I find it too much.

When he's around me I feel smothered. I told him to go and see a therapist because letting his emotions affect him to the point where he can't function is wrong isn't it? Getting upset and losing his temper over small things isn't right is it?

I'm finding it hard to see the bigger picture.

I'd keep clear if it were me. I have no doubt that he probably means what he says, but harping on to you with all this not-eating-not-sleeping stuff smacks of emotional blackmail.

Like you said, it's hard to respect someone who can't make an effort to look after themselves. It's hugely unattractive

Merkin

The whole relationship just seems to be embroiled in drama from start to finish. It really really shouldn't be this difficult. I'd just be calling it quits, you don't seem particularly compatible at all and it's clearly not making either of you happy.

Neyite

If you are feeling trapped at 6 months in, to the extent that counselling and breaking up are happening, then its not going to work out as a happy ever after. You both should be in the honeymoon period at this stage. Relationships are supposed to be fun, to give you joy, to enrich your life. This is making both of you miserable.

He also sounds like he could be clingy after a break up, so make it a clean clear one if you do decide to end it.

LegacyUser

Yeah this is it. I dont know why i keep going back to him, it makes no sense .
Im a realist and this is why i dont undestand why i keep going back.

Zen65

Needybfsgf wrote: »

Im a realist and this is why i dont undestand why i keep going back.

So make a firm decision to move on with your life, and end this relationship decisively. Nothing you describe about the relationship sounds healthy, for either of you.

ManOfMystery

In my experience, as someone who's had a needy and obsessive partner in the past, you aren't really a partner to these people as such. Not in the traditional sense of two people who are on an even playing field, who both contribute 50% to the relationship each, and who love each other because of the unique qualities each person has.

I think with needy and obsessive people, you just fulfil a role in their life. You fill a gap which, if left unfilled, drives them crazy. With my ex, she just couldn't be alone (she was in a string of relationships from 18 to 36, with maybe only a year of that in total spent as a single person). This manifested itself routinely in various forms, such as her being pretty much unable to spent a night at home alone (which meant I'd often get multiple phone calls if I was away working or on a lads weekend somewhere), her being very insecure because of unfounded fears that I would 'leave' her, and so on.

By the end of the relationship I realised I was just filling that gap for her. I could have been anyone, really. And that was evidenced by how quickly she moved on to someone else, despite the drama and hysterics and the "I can't live without you"' when I finished things.

From the description of your ex, he sounds similarly needy and I don't think it would be healthy for you - or him - to be in a relationship with each other. If he has any sense, he will learn to be happy in himself and to stand on his own two feet without having to constantly lean on someone else.

batmanrobin

ManOfMystery wrote: »

In my experience, as someone who's had a needy and obsessive partner in the past, you aren't really a partner to these people as such. Not in the traditional sense of two people who are on an even playing field, who both contribute 50% to the relationship each, and who love each other because of the unique qualities each person has.

I think with needy and obsessive people, you just fulfil a role in their life. You fill a gap which, if left unfilled, drives them crazy. With my ex, she just couldn't be alone (she was in a string of relationships from 18 to 36, with maybe only a year of that in total spent as a single person). This manifested itself routinely in various forms, such as her being pretty much unable to spent a night at home alone (which meant I'd often get multiple phone calls if I was away working or on a lads weekend somewhere), her being very insecure because of unfounded fears that I would 'leave' her, and so on.

By the end of the relationship I realised I was just filling that gap for her. I could have been anyone, really. And that was evidenced by how quickly she moved on to someone else, despite the drama and hysterics and the "I can't live without you"' when I finished things.

From the description of your ex, he sounds similarly needy and I don't think it would be healthy for you - or him - to be in a relationship with each other. If he has any sense, he will learn to be happy in himself and to stand on his own two feet without having to constantly lean on someone else.

I'd agree with this. Only I was the needy person. You really are an "anybody will do" to needy people. It might seem like we couldn't bear to be without you but you're replaced soon enough. You're a distraction really. It saves us having to take a good hard look at ourselves.

It takes a lot for us to look at ourselves and realise we need to be enough on our own. Thankfully I'm getting my own ****e together, but the person has to do that alone. You can't do that when you're involved with someone. He'll have to make that realisation himself.

Do yourself a favour on move on.

You don't actually like the guy. You don't respect him and you don't care for him.

... why are you with him? What do you get from it?!

LegacyUser

Walk away - now. I have a son like this. A few years ago his girlfriend did this, a lovely girl but she had no choice. She is very happy in a relationship with a normal guy now. You will never have any happiness with him, he will drag you down to total misery, no matter what you try to do it will never be enough, you cannot fix him. Life can be hard enough so why burden yourself with a huge unnecessary problem when you have the choice not to. I wish he wasn't my son because I have to stay with him & by that I know I will never be happy, there might be the odd moments & then I remember, I have him. Seriously, people like this will not allow you to be happy, they just suck the life out of you. Walk away & forget.

LegacyUser

It's your decision, but since you're looking for advice, I'd say walk away and try not to look back. This is going to get harder to do unless you do it right now.

You need to be attached to someone you can respect, unless you want to live a hard and joyless life. Don't do yourself a disservice. I've seen similar situations develop close to me over the years, and I've never seen a happy outcome.

You can't fix someone. You need to find someone you can work with to build a life, not someone you need to work *on* to begin to live a life, if that makes sense?

LegacyUser

I finally did do it. He is blocked from any means in which he can contact me. I've tried before to do it but somehow my phone reset and he found a way to contact me. He had taken my spare house key on one occasion and made subtle hints that something was going to happen to me.
Turned up at my work and it nearly cost me my job.

I had a word with my friend as he'd rang her one night night and told her he was outside her house looking for me. He seems to make all these threats when he can't get his own way or I try to break up.

I have remained so calm in all this time and eventually went to the gardas and I sent the final text to say if he ever contacts me again the gardas are aware and I've told them everything, I guess I was having a few self esteem issues and let him be like this until I saw the light.

LegacyUser

Bearhugger16 wrote: »

I finally did do it. He is blocked from any means in which he can contact me. I've tried before to do it but somehow my phone reset and he found a way to contact me. He had taken my spare house key on one occasion and made subtle hints that something was going to happen to me.
Turned up at my work and it nearly cost me my job.

I had a word with my friend as he'd rang her one night night and told her he was outside her house looking for me. He seems to make all these threats when he can't get his own way or I try to break up.

I have remained so calm in all this time and eventually went to the gardas and I sent the final text to say if he ever contacts me again the gardas are aware and I've told them everything, I guess I was having a few self esteem issues and let him be like this until I saw the light.

Well done, you seem to have taken all the right steps so far and have being very brave and level-headed about all this.

Might I also suggest though that you get your locks changed. I would not like him having a spare key and even if he has returned it I would be paranoid that he might have got another one cut first. Maybe that is overreacting but I would personally do it for peace of mind because that guy doesn't sound too stable.

ManOfMystery

Good for you, you've done the right thing. Onwards and upwards.