Not over ex or having midlife crisis?

lizzygal

I went out with my first love about 19 years ago. It wasn’t a great relationship by any means but I fell crazy in love with him. He ended it and I was devastated for a few months. I met my future husband about three years later. I saw the ex maybe 15 years ago on the street and felt nothing. Recently I came across him on social media and the moment I saw his picture it was like time reset itself and I was back where I was when we broke up all those years ago. It is hard to understand why I feel like this again. I turn forty this year and I guess I’m probably reflecting a bit on my life so far so I’m thinking that maybe it is just an extreme case of reminiscing. It is not fun reliving the hurt or longing for someone or feeling guilt for thinking about someone other than my husband. I was just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar. Is this the start of a midlife crisis?!

racso1975

lizzygal wrote: »

I went out with my first love about 19 years ago. It wasn’t a great relationship by any means but I fell crazy in love with him. He ended it and I was devastated for a few months. I met my future husband about three years later. I saw the ex maybe 15 years ago on the street and felt nothing. Recently I came across him on social media and the moment I saw his picture it was like time reset itself and I was back where I was when we broke up all those years ago. It is hard to understand why I feel like this again. I turn forty this year and I guess I’m probably reflecting a bit on my life so far so I’m thinking that maybe it is just an extreme case of reminiscing. It is not fun reliving the hurt or longing for someone or feeling guilt for thinking about someone other than my husband. I was just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar. Is this the start of a midlife crisis?!

How is married life with your current husband? Any difficulties you are having there could be making you feel this way

However we all hold a soft spot for our first love, I suppose because of the effect it has on us, sometimes we look back upon it with rose tinted glasses particularly when the relationship was not ended on our terms.

No offence but it was 20 years ago and you were still a teenager. You mention the hurt caused to you. This alone should really should stop you thinking about him. You also mention "longing".........I think you are longing for the fantasy.

Your relationship may be "grand" but not as wild or as exciting as possibly meeting up with this fantasy man.

My only advice. Think about your current relationship. You have invested a phenomenal amount of time and energy into it.

lizzygal

Thank you racso1975 for your insight.
My relationship with my husband is fine except for arguments over mundane household things. I think it is just a case of selective memory for both my husband and the particular ex. Summary of ex: some good times followed by extreme heartbreak. Summary of husband: tons of good times, marriage, children, no heartbreak. One can’t really compare the two relationships as life is very different in your early twenties vs late thirties. It is just a case of listening to the logical part of my brain vs the idealistic emotional side.
Will work on that…..

milli milli

When you went out with your ex, you were young and carefree. Your relationship with your husband seems sound but it's obviously more complex with children and a home. There also might be a lot more mundane stuff that can come with raising a family and the day-to-day life that may not have existed with your ex.
I mean this with great respect to you OP but maybe you're just a little bored right now and seeing the ex brought back the excitement of first love and those carefree days?

Maybe you just need to add a bit of spice to your life? Do you and your husband get dressed up for each other? do you have regular dates? do you have outside interests that you're passionate about? Do you have any projects on the go that you're interested in?

I see married couples that don't bother making an effort for each other, or just take each other for granted and then those couples wonder why one partner strays. A marriage always needs to be worked on.

P.S. This may not apply to you OP so sorry if I offended but just putting it out there as a possible reason

lizzygal

Thanks for your comments milli milli and don't worry I'm not offended at all by anything you said! You're right, I probably do need to work more on my relationship with my husband. I hear people say that all the time and I guess maybe I naively thought that my marriage would be the one that would be different to most and remain the same forever without any extra effort.

Garstaf

I'm just separated from my wife of 17 years after 4 kids 16 years of great times our marriage failed because she felt we drifted apart and life became mundane she didn't feel the love she had for me 17 years ago she left too late to talk to me about how she felt marriage needs to be worked on but I think you need to tell your husband how you feel and work together from there

lizzygal

I'm very sorry to hear about your experience Garstaf. Thank you very much for your advice.