Boyfriend addicted to smoking weed

LegacyUser

I need a bit of advice. I have been going out with my boyfriend for three years. We have been living together for two. Our relationship is great in general, we rarely fight, get on great together etc etc. The only thing that we ever really fight about is his weed smoking. This week especially has been hard as I simply don't think I can deal with it anymore.

First of all, I don't actually have a problem with weed. Many of my friends and family smoke it and I see it in the same way I see people drinking alcohol recreationally. I don't smoke at all, but I've taken other drugs in the past. The problem with my boyfriend is that he is addicted to it. He has been smoking since he was a teenager (we are in late 20's). He did smoke of course when we got together, but nowhere near as much as he does now. He smokes 3-4 times a day after work and on weekends he will roll a joint the second he gets up and smoke all throughout the day. If he can't get through to one of his three drug dealers, he freaks out. I've witnessed him resetting his phone as he didn't think to texts to his dealer sent before. As I usually finish work after him I rarely actually see him not stoned ever. He's always stoned. Like a zombie. This makes him never really want to do anything.

He has tried to cut down many times, but it never works. He decided himself in January he was going to give up for a month and he lasted about four days.

We have spoken about kids and marriage and both agree that we want to spend our lives together. However, I can't help but always feeling second best to weed. He is kind and really good to me in every other way. I actually threatened to break up with him last night if he doesn't give it up (I know, stupid idea) and he has said he'll try give it up but now I feel awful for trying to control him. I don't mind if he only smoked the odd time, like every weekend or even a couple of days during the week but I can't cope with the non stop smoking. I've said to him I think he needs to go to counselling but he's having none of it. He said he wants to give up eventually but wants to wait until he is older and has more responsibilities.


Anyone been through this before? I don't want to end our relationship over this. But I don't know can I live with an addict anymore either!

InTheTrees

Can I ask is he smoking it with tobacco? and if so does he smoke cigarettes or not?

kylith

Unfortunately there's really nothing you can do until he decides to give it up. The only option you have is to tell him that his dope smoking is a problem and you're considering ending the relationship over it. If he wants to keep you that should be the kick in the pants necessary to get him to quit, but you need to be prepared for the fact that he may choose it over you; in which case you'd be better off anyway.

If he mixes it with tobacco then the addiction is probably to the nicotine, but if he doesn't smoke cigarettes then he'd link the dependency to weed. IDK if you can get cannabis flavoured vape cartridges but it might be worth looking into as a stopgap alternative; he'd get the nicotine hit he wants with the cannabis taste he's used to, though he won't get monged like he's used to.

Good luck with it. I used to be a heavy cannabis smoker and I know that I probably wouldn't have wanted to be in a relationship with me.

ElleEm

I agree with Kylith, tell him that it is causing you to rethink the relationship.
I smoked cannabis every evening for years. I felt that if I didn't smoke while I had anything to do (basically anything that meant leaving the house), I was grand. One day something just clicked and I thought "I don't wanna do this forever". The first couple of weeks without smoking were tough but my motivation soared. I think you don't notice you are in a fog til it clears.

Neyite

He's getting stoned every evening, and from the moment he wakes up on the weekend, and cant easily give it up. If it was alcohol it would be classed as alcoholism, cigarettes it would be classed as chain smoking.

None of these are really compatible with family life I'm afraid. You cant get stoned for breakfast when you have kids. You are lucky if you can get to finish a cup of coffee while its still hot. I don't think you'd get to sit down long enough to have a proper smoke. Similarly in the evenings, it could be ten pm before we get to finally sit down after doing the dinner, tidy, bath-bed-story, sort out stuff for the morning like lunches and clothes - and I've just got the one child and a partner who pulls his weight. If you have a stoner partner, you'll be doing all this on your own. Any single parent will tell you how hard it is - harder even in your case, because you've got essentially a man-sized child to housework for in addition to the kids and the gradual resentment will build up for you of carrying the brunt of it while he's on the sofa having his smoke. I think it would drive you mad, honestly.

Think about things you'd do with those kids - family get-togethers, outings, would he even bother to come with you, or would the kids get used to the idea that Daddy is at home because he is 'tired'. Could you trust him to pick up kids from childcare or playdates or be sober enough to drive them safely? Then there is the cost of it. Would he prioritise buying weed over other things that need buying?

Even before you have kids - does it not piss you off that you never get to do nice coupley days out at the weekend because he's already stoned from waking up in the morning? Is it not really boring for you every evening, every weekend just sitting watching him get baked?

But you cant make him quit either, I'm afraid. Only he can do it. You also need to weigh up the risk that he might successfully quit for a year or two, and relapse. From what you've described, he doesn't sound like he could limit it to occasional usage, so would probably have to quit for good, and may not be able to.

I personally cant see the level of usage he currently has as being compatible with the family life you would like to have down the line. Only you can decide if its a deal-breaker for you.

Mr. Incognito

Rarely fight and get on?

I'm not surpirsed if he is baked all the time.

I think you should consider moving out. You living there has gotten him comfortable. If he actually had to get up on a Saturday and make an effort to see you instead of getting baked you might be able to distance yourself for a break up down the line or fix the relationship

LegacyUser

Read your OP and just had to reply...

I'm married to a stoner (hence the name!) We are together 16 years, have three kids, a mortgage etc etc. He holds down jobs and is pretty much what I would call a 'functioning addict'

I am in no way saying its ok to be stoned all the time because its not. It has caused tensions in our relationship but I'll be honest - we do all the family stuff, we go on holidays, he's a great dad, can be slightly zoned out sometimes but in general, its ok.

He loves weed. Has done for years. I wouldn't ask him to give it up for me or the kids because when he doesn't, it would break my heart.

So, its just another perspective for you. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the replies everyone. Great to hear outside perspective.

Can I ask is he smoking it with tobacco? and if so does he smoke cigarettes or not?

Yes, and yes. He's a fairly heavy smoker. Doesn't smoke as much as cigs as some people I know but yes he smokes tobacco and has done for years.

The only option you have is to tell him that his dope smoking is a problem and you're considering ending the relationship over it. If he wants to keep you that should be the kick in the pants necessary to get him to quit, but you need to be prepared for the fact that he may choose it over you; in which case you'd be better off anyway.

If he mixes it with tobacco then the addiction is probably to the nicotine, but if he doesn't smoke cigarettes then he'd link the dependency to weed. IDK if you can get cannabis flavoured vape cartridges but it might be worth looking into as a stopgap alternative; he'd get the nicotine hit he wants with the cannabis taste he's used to, though he won't get monged like he's used to.

I have told him it's a problem and that I have considered ending the relationship. But in reality I don't want to end the relationship over this. It's crap, but it could be a lot worse. I don't want to make him choose smoking over me. I just wish he would cut down a bit! And yes I agree with the nicotine addiction, he's smoked since he was about 14 and hasn't ever given them up. Why people take up smoking is beyond me, but sure look loads of people do.

I smoked cannabis every evening for years. I felt that if I didn't smoke while I had anything to do (basically anything that meant leaving the house), I was grand.

This makes total sense for me and sounds just like him. If we have planned to do something for the day (go to one of our hometowns, go to the park, go on holidays) he's grand. We go on 2 week holidays together and he's fine. Not cranky or anything and doesn't ever try and find weed where we are..lol! I think it's a habit more than anything. Whenever I'm at home I smoke kind of thing.

Neyite thanks so much for your detailed reply about how it could affect family life. A good friend of mine had a baby recently and I can see how much work they are! My boyfriend has actually said himself that he would 100% give up if we have kids. Now whether he'll be able to I don't know. My own Father smokes weed himself, he's in his 50's now and he still does! But my Mum did say he cut down loads when we were kids and only smoked when out with friends. I actually spoke to my Mother about this today and she doesn't really see the big deal. She said most of her friends heavily smoked weed until they had families and responsibilities. She does agree that he could cut down, however.

does it not piss you off that you never get to do nice coupley days out at the weekend because he's already stoned from waking up in the morning?

If we have something planned he usually will not smoke. And if he has a joint it doesn't make much of a difference anyway. I'm the one that drives in the house so that's never a problem.. But he often refuses to do things on a whim as he is too stoned. However, that's just what he's like anyway. Always wants everything to be planned. I'd be the opposite.

Rarely fight and get on?

I'm not surpirsed if he is baked all the time.

Ha, good point! We still get one when he's not baked. And for the first couple of years we were going out he only smoked socially with his friends. Still got on great. I don't see how him moving out would help. Lease is in my name so he would be moving out. We rarely get to see each other anyway due to opposite work shifts, never mind if we were living apart.

He has said he'll cut down so we will see how that goes. I don't want him to choose between smoking and me, it's not my place to tell him what to do. Just had a bad weekend as we never fight over anything so I'm not used to this! Thanks again for the replies.

Dial Hard

Weedhelp wrote:

He has said he'll cut down so we will see how that goes. I don't want him to choose between smoking and me, it's not my place to tell him what to do. Just had a bad weekend as we never fight over anything so I'm not used to this! Thanks again for the replies.

Tbh, OP, you seem remarkably fine with the prospect of staying with an addict just because you don't want to "tell him what to do". If his addiction was to alcohol would you be this sanguine?

Ursus Horribilis

It is obvious that you have a very very tolerant attitude towards weed smoking. I have to admit I'm a bit shocked. Good luck with bringing up children with a pothead in the house is all I can say to you. I wouldn't leave the dog to be minded by your boyfriend, let alone a child. You would want to think very very carefully before you bring a child into the environment you've described. You'd be essentially bringing up your child alone while your stoner boyfriend gets baked. Seeing as he couldn't give up just now, what makes you think he'll be changing his ways?

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Tbh, OP, you seem remarkably fine with the prospect of staying with an addict just because you don't want to "tell him what to do". If his addiction was to alcohol would you be this sanguine?

If it was alcohol it would be a different story. From personal experience living with an alcoholic and someone who smokes too much weed are completely different. I do see where you are coming from, but I would see an alcohol addiction as much worse.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I can only give my own experience. My ex-partner was a weed user whom I 'thought' smoked occasionally (at weekends/nights out etc). Unfortunately he lost his job, as a result he had a bit more time on his hands, smoked more, then began drinking more.

I tried to support and motivate him to find another job but a month became two months, two months became six months and then it became a year. As we weren't living together i never really knew the extent of how much he spent on weed, or how much was actually smoked until I found a *bill* of sorts. I was horrified, it amounted to at least 2/3 months rent for the year. I came to painful realisation that in his late thirties he will never change despite him saying he wanted kids, a life together with me.

His answer to the relationship break down was "but you always knew I smoked". Yes I knew he smoked but not how much and the frequency of it. It was heart breaking to see a good guy just lose interest in life and get stuck in the hole of weed dependency but I had to walk away for my own sanity.

OP When life gets tough, or for example you get ill and needs to be supported or if kids come along.... his attitude will just be to light up and make the hurt/hassle/trouble go away. I wish you the best and make sure you make the right decision for yourself, be selfish. Weed addiction is a ****ty thing especially when you are the partner of some one who smokes. Ive seen what it can do to relationships and how destructive it can be. He needs to grow up and figure out, does he choose weed or you.

Good luck.

jigglypuffstuff

Weedhelp wrote: »

If it was alcohol it would be a different story. From personal experience living with an alcoholic and someone who smokes too much weed are completely different. I do see where you are coming from, but I would see an alcohol addiction as much worse.

An ant cannot tell the difference between a shoe or a trainer, all it knows is it will step on it either way


OP an addiction is an addiction, be it gambling, drinking, smoking etc...they all cause tensions and sometimes more


My suggestion, if its becoming intolerable then provide an ultimatum, if you can tolerate it, then we really shouldn't be having this discussion. I would totally discourage you from having children with someone who cannot control their addiction to a substance...in general those things usually end badly

Either way best of luck and I hope it works out OP

LegacyUser

You could suggest he moves to smoking without tobacco, and uses a water bong or a pipe as it looks like he's addicted to nicotine.

Also using tobacco increases the strength, as it burns the cannabis at a higher temperature than just smoking it neat using a bong or pipe.

It's actually illegal in Amsterdam cafes to mix cigarette tobacco and cannabis for this reason.

triona1

Just 20 years ago I was in your situation I got out when my son was 2 months old I was only going 20 myself,I've never looked back nor did his son after the age of about 10.I'm not against smokers or drinkers but the kids and home come first I've 4 kids now and I do sometimes worry is my son's dad doing ok then I remember he had too many choices I came out the lucky one with his son that doesn't smoke(and of course my 3 other kids also).

Nichololas

JJJJNR wrote: »

You could suggest he moves to smoking without tobacco, and uses a water bong or a pipe as it looks like he's addicted to nicotine.

Chiming in on this. I used to smoke joints as well as tobacco rollies more or less daily. For various health reasons I decided to quit tobacco, but not cannabis (go figure). I was pretty motivated to quit cigarettes so I quit cold turkey - successfully, although not easily - and discovered the pretty insidious effect of smoking weed with tobacco regularly. Simply put, in addition to the addictive properties of nicotine telling you "go on, have another joint", it has a modulating effect on the cannabis 'high'. After being off cigarettes for about a month and only smoking cannabis occasionally (as it was setting off the nicotine cravings), I realized that without tobacco I just didn't enjoy cannabis as much as I thought I did, just the dual stimulus of cannabis and nicotine.

Other people who are certainly more knowledgeable on this than I have given advice about raising children, managing a household, etc., with a cannabis-smoking partner, and really that's something only you can decide for yourself, and whether you feel you can do it with this guy. From what I know I doubt I'd be smoking daily, or even weekly if I had children to raise - but I'm sure I'd like to enjoy a toke every once in a while, much the same way that drinkers (but not alcoholics) might like to enjoy a glass or wine or two at the weekend.

Also be aware that smoking cigarettes is a pretty big cause of lethargy in itself, quitting can provide a huge boost to energy levels.

And to everyone taking a high-minded moralizing response to this; "you're staying with an addict", "if it were alcohol", etc; true, if it were alcohol he might have a big problem because there's a physical component to that addiction - but it's not. You could do more harm to your kids by feeding them cake weekly or through second-hand smoking in the car than by having a joint in the garden once they're put to bed.

"I wouldn't leave the dog to be minded by your boyfriend" -- yes, it might get smothered with too much affection.

Ultimately, you need to have a think about whether you can continue with this guy as he is , because you can't guarantee that people will change. I just wanted to give my own perspective, and provide a not-obvious route to cutting down on weed. As an ultimatum, if someone had told me 'quit weed or I go' when I was at the height of my stoner days it would have been very touch and go. 'Quit tobacco, but you can smoke weed occasionally' is a little easier to stomach - although harder to actually do - but will likely result in him eventually smoking less weed anyway, and not have the knock-on effect of ramping up his cigarette smoking to compensate for not smoking joints if the reverse option is put forward.

Either way, good luck.

JJJJNR wrote: »

Also using tobacco increases the strength, as it burns the cannabis at a higher temperature than just smoking it neat using a bong or pipe, so he won't be as stoned as before and it might be a compromise worth investigating.

Burning cannabis at a higher temperature doesn't get you more stoned (well, it could technically by heating at temperatures from 150-230C to evaporate different ratios of THC, CBD, etc but that's a bit off topic). At any rate, tobacco burns at 400-600C depending on whether it's being drawn on or not, and a bic lighter at about twice that, so even if it were true then a bong or pipe would get you more stoned. (And presuming that was you posting anonymously in the post before yours, you can't smoke tobacco in Amsterdam coffeeshops for the same reason you can't smoke them in Irish pubs; second hand smoke .. )

Shrap

We go on 2 week holidays together and he's fine. Not cranky or anything and doesn't ever try and find weed where we are..lol! I think it's a habit more than anything.

Just on this bit OP (as an ex-stoner myself, which I gave up near totally 18 years ago for my first baby).

Your fella knows he's addicted. And not so much that he can't do without it (with effort), but in the sense that he probably doesn't get as stoned off one joint due to his massive tolerance for it, and he spends 10 times the amount on weed that he would if he wasn't overly tolerant to it. Like if you consistently drink more than your limit was, your limit increases and you end up having a very expensive (and unacceptable) drinking habit.

Reason I asked quoted you up there - how did he find getting back to his weed after a 2 week holiday? Ask him did he find it went a lot further for a week or so, till he just went back to his usual habit? Ask him why he HAD to go back to his usual routine. If it was a habit grown out of boredom, then he can break it easily. I think you should say to him to significantly cut down again so he CAN do without it when
a) he doesn't have it
b) you want to do something spontaneous
c) he wants to stand ANY chance of you having a family with him (do you want to do all the driving, all your life? Mr. Stoner going to wake up for any night feeds? Want to watch the already tight finances spent on weed? lol)

Obviously, he may say "of course I'd give up down the road when we start a family" (and probably would), but if he can ignore the fact it's bugging you now that he's stoned all the time, then how could you consider him father material? What's wrong with a single joint in the evening? He sounds like he needs a good kick up the ar5e (metaphorically!) OP. Get your feelings straight on it and have a word.

davmol

Have to say I would be VERY weary about taking all these scare mongers advice.
I don't smoke myself,never liked the feeling, but I know of a lot of people who smoke regularly as in daily-Before work,during and after.All these people function just fine and 90% have children who they look after very well.Alot better than a holier than thou couple I know of that are tyrants to their children and whose children literally fear them.

Before leaving the house or taking the extreme measures some have suggested,give your partner a chance.By the sounds of it you guys are young and he has little responsibility and if hes getting stoned and not hurting anyone then whats the issue.

I know of many lads who were heavy drinkers,weekend drug takers etc who had kids and gave everything up and are model parents.

Some peoples idea of being stoned is being out of your mind, blurred vision and incapable of making sound decisions when the reality is regular smokers have such a tolerance that smoking a joint can be no greater than having a ciggie.

Discuss your future with your BF and don't give ultimatums.Deal with problems if and when they arise just not what people on boards have suggested the problems 'might be'.
Afterall,these saints on here don't have years invested in a relationship and haven't had the good times or seen the positives in your BF ,so for them to tell you to leave and all other scare tactics is so premature.

Wompa1

I smoked a few times. My brother and father smoke heavily. I have friends that also smoke heavily and had an ex who smoked heavily. With my ex it became a huge problem. Like one of the other posters said about the person who lost their job...she didn't lose a job, she was in college but there was 3 months when she didn't go into college at all. She just stayed at home most of the time watching tv and getting high.

I would go over and she'd be high. It was like being with a Zombie. I told her that and she said she's no different with weed as she is regularly. So I recorded her while high and then showed it to her when not high. She laughed...

It was only a problem to me, not to her.

My friends long term girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. He's now cut back hugely. He goes months without smoking, I believe but it did have a control over him. Since he got off it, he's been achieving a lot more in life.

My father never really amounted to much. He gets high with my brother and his friends and brags about dumb sh1t.

My brother is heading for the same road as my father. He was smarter than me, he started smoking when in secondary school...ended up doing Leaving Cert applied and now he's in a go nowhere job. Both himself and my father also did harder drugs on numerous occasions.

My other half worked in a drug rehab. There were many people in there who were addicted to weed. And not just from Tobacco..it was the weed. It was an escape. She showed me a documentary that HBO made, an A&E Dr. talking about the people killed while under the influence of weed. They don't OD but when you build a tolerance to it and start doing things while high, you're a danger to others and yourself.

It's nowhere near as dangerous as alcohol...you also can't die from OD or withdrawals like you can from alcohol but you know, two wrongs don't make a right. If anything people shouldn't drink alcohol OR smoke weed. It seems to have great medicinal benefits but as I read somewhere "You shouldn't take medicine when you're not sick"

So, OP...if I was you, I would definitely think about the future you want. I also just had my first child. I couldn't imagine dealing with this alone or with somebody who's not 100% there with me.

brianregan09

I'm 31 have smoked weed since im 18 I have a job, a house, a long term girlfriend and act and write short films in my spare time

I lessened off it about a year ago, I still do it , But ...I don't smoke it anymore , I make brownies out of it and don't allow myself to smoke it and because of the hassle of going to all that bother I do it alot more rarely , Maybe if ya say to you're fella try that and no more actual smoking of it, I was on his end about a year ago and I smartened up a bit , I only make brownies now the odd occasion if i'm not doing anything or have no work coming up , It's like for me a little release because I don't like drink any more and the resulting hangovers just make me horribly sick , With weed I find I can eat it and have a nice little buzz (alot better buzz than smoking it too) and go to bed and wake up the next day right as rain

kjl

Odus fell down wrote: »

It is obvious that you have a very very tolerant attitude towards weed smoking. I have to admit I'm a bit shocked. Good luck with bringing up children with a pothead in the house is all I can say to you. I wouldn't leave the dog to be minded by your boyfriend, let alone a child. You would want to think very very carefully before you bring a child into the environment you've described. You'd be essentially bringing up your child alone while your stoner boyfriend gets baked. Seeing as he couldn't give up just now, what makes you think he'll be changing his ways?

Listen, leave it out, he is not shooting up heroin. 99% of the people I know who smoked gave it up when they had kids.

Duckjob

Neyite wrote: »

He's getting stoned every evening, and from the moment he wakes up on the weekend, and cant easily give it up. If it was alcohol it would be classed as alcoholism, cigarettes it would be classed as chain smoking.

None of these are really compatible with family life I'm afraid. You cant get stoned for breakfast when you have kids. You are lucky if you can get to finish a cup of coffee while its still hot. I don't think you'd get to sit down long enough to have a proper smoke. Similarly in the evenings, it could be ten pm before we get to finally sit down after doing the dinner, tidy, bath-bed-story, sort out stuff for the morning like lunches and clothes - and I've just got the one child and a partner who pulls his weight. If you have a stoner partner, you'll be doing all this on your own. Any single parent will tell you how hard it is - harder even in your case, because you've got essentially a man-sized child to housework for in addition to the kids and the gradual resentment will build up for you of carrying the brunt of it while he's on the sofa having his smoke. I think it would drive you mad, honestly.

Think about things you'd do with those kids - family get-togethers, outings, would he even bother to come with you, or would the kids get used to the idea that Daddy is at home because he is 'tired'. Could you trust him to pick up kids from childcare or playdates or be sober enough to drive them safely? Then there is the cost of it. Would he prioritise buying weed over other things that need buying?

Even before you have kids - does it not piss you off that you never get to do nice coupley days out at the weekend because he's already stoned from waking up in the morning? Is it not really boring for you every evening, every weekend just sitting watching him get baked?

But you cant make him quit either, I'm afraid. Only he can do it. You also need to weigh up the risk that he might successfully quit for a year or two, and relapse. From what you've described, he doesn't sound like he could limit it to occasional usage, so would probably have to quit for good, and may not be able to.

I personally cant see the level of usage he currently has as being compatible with the family life you would like to have down the line. Only you can decide if its a deal-breaker for you.

^^ This OP. You need to read and reread this many times, because its a stark glimpse into what the future with this guy likely holds unless he decides he's ready to start being a grown-up.