She doesn't want kids

poeticjustice

So I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months and we're very happy together. She's 33 and I'm 30. She's always been very clear that she doesn't want kids and that was fine with me. It never really seemed an issue.

Now that we are getting a bit more serious, I suppose I'm thinking about the future more. To be honest, I still don't know if I even want kids or not. The thing is, I don't really want to rule it out completely. I'm not ready for kids now that's for sure but who knows what I'll want in the future.

We have talked about it and she's just said if it ever becomes a problem we can talk about it. But that could be years away and could become quite a major problem then. On the other hand it's a talk that may never happen.

Any advice on what I should do? I don't want to create a problem if there is none and like I said we're very happy. Thanks

LegacyUser

Realistically as a male you can probably have kids at absolutely any age. Might be a bit of extra hassle looking for a baby-mama if/when the urge strikes you, that's about it. Keep an eye on your sperm levels over the years.
Though I did meet a 52 year old dad of 2 boys (aged 4&6) recently, who said wearily "I've realised a little too late that fatherhood is a young mans game"....

Brego888

Id have the talk sooner rather than later. You could waste some great years together but ultimately her not wanting kids is unlikely to change.
You're only 6 months in so it's still early days. Sounds like a deal breaker for you.

Jimmy Bottlehead

It's a massive roadblock and at your ages (particularly hers, as the window to conceive gets smaller over time) it's a talk you do need to have.

If she's adamant that she doesn't want kids and you are unsure, then the smart thing to do is walk away. She's entitled to her wish but so are you. Look 2-3 years in the future and if you DO want kids, she's now 35 or 36 with a lesser chance to have a healthy baby, likely hasn't changed her mind, and you're now 32 or 33 looking at the likelihood of trying to meet someone again.

You might be happy together now, but children are a huge stumbling block for people with differing desires, so have a really, really hard think about what you want to do and where you want to place your time, efforts, and love.

bp

If you think you will want kids in the future it may be best to walk away now before things get too serious. If she is adament then you cannot force the issue and visa versa, you cannot comprise on this

thattequilagirl

Totally disagree with posters telling the guy to walk away from a happy relationship. It's good that you're thinking about this, it shows you really are thinking about your long-term future. By all means have the talk, but don't walk away.

First things first, you need to figure out what you want.

Ursus Horribilis

thattequilagirl wrote: »

Totally disagree with posters telling the guy to walk away from a happy relationship. It's good that you're thinking about this, it shows you really are thinking about your long-term future. By all means have the talk, but don't walk away.

First things first, you need to figure out what you want.

It's funny that the OP called the thread 'She doesn't children" because really this is all about him. His girlfriend has been very straight with him from the start that she doesn't each children. She was right to be honest with him and not lead him on. So it's up to him to decide whether he wants to children in the future. If he does, then is there any point in him wasting either his time or his girlfriend's time pursuing a relationship that has an end date?

Keane2baMused

Odus fell down wrote: »

It's funny that the OP called the thread 'She doesn't children" because really this is all about him. His girlfriend has been very straight with him from the start that she doesn't each children. She was right to be honest with him and not lead him on. So it's up to him to decide whether he wants to children in the future. If he does, then is there any point in him wasting either his time or his girlfriend's time pursuing a relationship that has an end date?

True to an extent but he has also raised it with his partner and it sounds like she brushed it off. Let's talk about it when the time comes isn't the best approach when two people are investing alot into a relationship.

Think about this OP. While you may not want to end things you don't want to have future regrets and resentments either.

thattequilagirl

Odus fell down wrote: »

It's funny that the OP called the thread 'She doesn't children" because really this is all about him. His girlfriend has been very straight with him from the start that she doesn't each children. She was right to be honest with him and not lead him on. So it's up to him to decide whether he wants to children in the future. If he does, then is there any point in him wasting either his time or his girlfriend's time pursuing a relationship that has an end date?

Right, but you're assuming he'll meet someone he will be just as happy with who wants to have kids. That may not be the case. OP isn't sure if he wants kids, and isn't sure that he wants to sacrifice a very happy relationship for something he hasn't even made his own mind up on yet.

To break up would be totally premature without first figuring his own head out and then talking to her.

squonk

I've seen in the past where friends have gone out with ladies who were not intersted in having kids. Over time however that view changed for various reasons and a lot of the guys ended up with kids. Nothing is set in stone really. You do need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend OP though. You both need to set out your respective stalls now rather than down the road. You won't know until you do that and, even then you may not walk away knowing much more. None of us can really know today what we'll want even 2-3 years down the road.

bp

I know both men and women who don't want children and have taken precautions not to have them. I have also seen past relationships fail for them because the partner figured ah they will come around or they dont mean it really.

If she is 100% sure she doesn't want them then accept it and consider if you actually might.

silverbolt

OP, i dont think you should just throw this away unless your 100% sure that you do or do not want children. It may be that the two of you can live very happy lives together without the children.

And she may change her mind in time. Your only six months into this relationship. Give it time

poeticjustice

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's a tricky situation. Like i said, i don't even know if ill ever want kids and would hate to throw this away based on something that may not even happen.

I definitely don't see her changing her mind, which is totally her choice and I've no problem with. Her last relationship ended for this reason so it's something she seems sure about. I'll talk to her this weekend and see what happens.

poeticjustice

Odus fell down wrote: »

It's funny that the OP called the thread 'She doesn't children" because really this is all about him. His girlfriend has been very straight with him from the start that she doesn't each children. She was right to be honest with him and not lead him on. So it's up to him to decide whether he wants to children in the future. If he does, then is there any point in him wasting either his time or his girlfriend's time pursuing a relationship that has an end date?

Hope you don't think im blaming her for this. Far from it. She made it clear from the start and im glad she did. The problem is that i dont know if ill want kids in a few years time. Im still pretty young and in no rush. Shes adamant however and thats totally her choice. I envy her assurance even. Dont overthink the title though. I could have called it 'i dont know if ill ever want kids' but it doesnt flow quite as well

Dial Hard

silverbolt wrote: »

And she may change her mind in time.

He can't operate on this basis, though, and would be foolish to do so. My marriage ended because I don't want kids. My ex knew this from the very start of our relationship but I have no doubt that there was a large element of "She might change her mind" going on.

The issue here is not whether or not she'll change her mind. The OP has to assume that she won't, and make a decision based on how *he* feels.

poeticjustice

Dial Hard wrote: »

He can't operate on this basis, though, and would be foolish to do so. My marriage ended because I don't want kids. My ex knew this from the very start of our relationship but I have no doubt that there was a large element of "She might change her mind" going on.

The issue here is not whether or not she'll change her mind. The OP has to assume that she won't, and make a decision based on how *he* feels.

Yeah that's exactly how im thinking now. It comes down to my decision really.

Right now i feel like im happy never to have children. So all is good. But id like the option to change my mind. That is where the problem lies. Do i risk it and stay with her, hoping that i dont change my mind? Or do i end it now to save us both the time? Thats putting it bluntly i know but it kinda sums up the situation.

Dial Hard

poeticjustice wrote: »

Right now i feel like im happy never to have children. So all is good. But id like the option to change my mind. That is where the problem lies. Do i risk it and stay with her, hoping that i dont change my mind? Or do i end it now to save us both the time?

I genuinely feel sorry for you; the fact that you don't know whether or not you want kids is what's causing your difficulty here. If you knew for sure either way then your decision would be made for you.

What I will say, though, is that in my experience, people who are ambiguous about wanting children generally tend to fall more towards the wanting them side eventually. People who don't want them tend to know it for sure, and from a very early age.

CaraMay

I think what happens is that people either always want kids and then find someone to have kids with or they are 50/50 about kids and then meet someone special and they want kids with that person. The latter are often accused of 'changing their minds' or trying to trap whereas all that happens is biology has changed for them.

You really need to talk to her.

poeticjustice

Dial Hard wrote: »

I genuinely feel sorry for you; the fact that you don't know whether or not you want kids is what's causing your difficulty here. If you knew for sure either way then your decision would be made for you.

What I will say, though, is that in my experience, people who are ambiguous about wanting children generally tend to fall more towards the wanting them side eventually. People who don't want them tend to know it for sure, and from a very early age.

Thanks for your opinion. You might be right, it's hard to know. I have nieces and nephews and I love them to bits but after spending some time with them, I'm usually ready to hand them back.

I think it's the fact that people say when they're your own you feel differently. And a love for your child appears to be the greatest love you can have. I know they are not for everyone and I feel maybe I am one of those people but I hate to think I could miss out on something amazing some day. Maybe I'm just too selfish right now.