Starting Over

KikiDee

I'm newly single (about 3 months) and feel so lonely. My family and friends have been great and super supportive but obviously they can't be with me 24/7. Also, they have their own lives to get on with so sometimes, can't be there to do things I want to do (I 100% appreciate and understand this by the way!). I guess I'm wondering where do I go from here? For so long, my whole life was my relationship and now I'm starting over and trying to find myself.

I've been wanting to make new friends and try to broaden my social life but in all honesty, even though I'm an outgoing person, I have no clue how to do that!!!

Any tips or suggestions would be much appreciated. I've looked into classes but because I work such erratic hours in work, it's not really feasible.

baby and crumble

My advice would be to get comfortable being by yourself. That's the key thing. You don't necessarily need more friends, you just need to be ok when they're busy. You know?

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi
I have read your post. I am so sorry how you are feeling at the moment. My advice to you would be to just keep focusing on yourself. Yes I understand that a relationship breakup can be very stressful so I believe that you should just take a break from relationships and concentrate on being yourself. Maybe you could take a year off work to go travelling. Maybe go backpacking around Europe and maybe spend a few weeks in a different city e.g. London Paris Amsterdam Brussells Berlin etc and then maybe go on to North Africa to maybe visit Morocco Tunisia and Gibralitar. That would be a great thing to do as you will make lots of new friends meet new people explore different cultures and try all different foods and drinks etc. You would also be able to see all the different sights and tourist attractions. It would be a great thing to do while youre single as when youre married you wont be able to do that. You could also travel around Asia and Australia and New Zeland as well if you like.

magicmushroom

What kind of stuff are you into OP? And where are you based?

KikiDee

baby and crumble wrote: »

My advice would be to get comfortable being by yourself. That's the key thing. You don't necessarily need more friends, you just need to be ok when they're busy. You know?

Yea, I get what you're saying. But it can just be lonely at times. I guess I'm used to having people around all the time because he was there all the time. How needy does that sound eh???

Thanks Ryan but I'm a bit of a homebird...I don't think travelling for a long period of time is for me.

What kind of stuff are you into OP? And where are you based?

I guess I'm into everything really! I love being out and about, love movies and going to the cinema, eating out, exploring places I've never seen before. I'm based in Waterford.

magicmushroom

I totally get you. I am also single, I keep myself very busy during the week but the weekends - mainly Sundays - can be very lonely.

The changes I've recently made are firstly, I joined my local running club.
Most towns have them these days, under Athletics Ireland.
I joined their Couch 2 5k programme, I'm on week 6 and we meet every Monday and Thursday. After it I am so tired I just want to eat my dinner and go to bed so that's 2 of my evenings sorted!

I joined a hiking club - I always thought of hiking as an 'older person' hobby but I'm 29 and I love it.
The club I go out with meet every Sunday so it's perfect. It's a whole day out.
On the most recent hike I went on, I met another girl of a similar age and we have since met for coffee or drinks a couple of times. We're meeting again this weekend.

I recently discovered a group on Facebook called 'Girlcrew HQ', it was basically set up for people like you and I looking to meet new female friends - there seems to be different pages for different counties.
I haven't been along to anything yet but there are LOADS of meet ups arranged from mid week coffees to full on nights out at the weekend.

I also know of another website called Meetup.com which lists loads of different clubs in your area - you put in what type of things you like and it brings up your options of what's around.

Hope some of this info helps!

Some times I have to really force myself out the door, it's easy to get a bit down and just sit in watching TV but getting out is really the only way.
Looking after your mental health is very important and loneliness is terrible, so do try and do even just one thing in the next couple of weeks, it could make a huge difference

KikiDee

magicmushroom wrote: »

I totally get you. I am also single, I keep myself very busy during the week but the weekends - mainly Sundays - can be very lonely.

The changes I've recently made are firstly, I joined my local running club.
Most towns have them these days, under Athletics Ireland.
I joined their Couch 2 5k programme, I'm on week 6 and we meet every Monday and Thursday. After it I am so tired I just want to eat my dinner and go to bed so that's 2 of my evenings sorted!

I joined a hiking club - I always thought of hiking as an 'older person' hobby but I'm 29 and I love it.
The club I go out with meet every Sunday so it's perfect. It's a whole day out.
On the most recent hike I went on, I met another girl of a similar age and we have since met for coffee or drinks a couple of times. We're meeting again this weekend.

I recently discovered a group on Facebook called 'Girlcrew HQ', it was basically set up for people like you and I looking to meet new female friends - there seems to be different pages for different counties.
I haven't been along to anything yet but there are LOADS of meet ups arranged from mid week coffees to full on nights out at the weekend.

I also know of another website called Meetup.com which lists loads of different clubs in your area - you put in what type of things you like and it brings up your options of what's around.

Hope some of this info helps!

Some times I have to really force myself out the door, it's easy to get a bit down and just sit in watching TV but getting out is really the only way.
Looking after your mental health is very important and loneliness is terrible, so do try and do even just one thing in the next couple of weeks, it could make a huge difference

Thanks so much for the advice Yea I find Sundays are the worst!!!! That's why I find I'm trying to keep myself busy all the time

magicmushroom

KikiDee wrote: »

Thanks so much for the advice Yea I find Sundays are the worst!!!! That's why I find I'm trying to keep myself busy all the time

Sundays are crap...I used to go to my boyfriends Mum's every Sunday for a roast dinner so it's taking me a while to get used to not having that in my weekly routine any more!

It's a long, long day when there's no one around and nothing to do.
All my friends are busy with 'family stuff' on a Sunday

On a positive note, I do think it's worse at this time of year and spring/summer is fast approaching!
Dark, miserable evenings with the rain lashing down don't help!
It's much easier to spend time alone when it's sitting in the garden and sun is shining

baby and crumble

KikiDee wrote: »

Yea, I get what you're saying. But it can just be lonely at times. I guess I'm used to having people around all the time because he was there all the time. How needy does that sound eh???

I totally understand, I know it's not quite the same but my GF and I did long distance for about 2 years (3 months of which was spent in radically different timezones) and it does suck being lonely. I just found it useful to actually train myself to relish my alone time. It may be a case of having your own routine on a Sunday, for example, and then it won't feel so bad. Like say you decide Sunday is your day to pamper yourself, or to spend a few hours on a hobby or something. That way then if our friends aren't around it doesn't feel quite so bad.

I do think it's really important to learn to be ok with, and possibly even enjoy, time spent on your own. It's not healthy to be dependent on other people all the time for company or entertainment. When I was living by myself I found having a pet helped massively also- I had a hamster and even that was great. Have you thought about getting a dog or a cat? A dog will get you out walking every day and there's nothing wrong with packing up the car and the dog on a weekend and sodding off for a drive and a few hours walk ont he beach!!

LeeLooLee

I know this is a cliche but it comes with time. I broke up with my boyfriend when I was coming 30 and it was devastating. We'd been together for 7 years and realising I no longer had that person to do everything with, from dinners out to holidays to walks in the park, was awful. I did try joining groups and seeing more of my friends, but what really made the difference was learning how to truly enjoy my own company. I love being on my own now, doing whatever I want, to the extent that I'd find it a huge compromise to live with someone again. I now see things in a much more positive light because I'm not desperately lonely - any new friend I meet is a bonus rather than something I really need, you know? If you're not the travelling type, you could still take the time to indulge yourself in your hobbies or try out some new ones. It gets better, I promise!!!

KikiDee

Thanks so much guys

In a weird way, it feels great knowing people know what I'm going through

I appreciate your advise and kind words. And actually, I've booked myself a little spa break just this morning just for me and have also joined a kick boxing class (not really too sure about that one but f**k it!!!)

I'm looking forward to the brighter evenings, getting my new house sorted and learning to be with me. I'll keep ye posted on how that goes lol!

LegacyUser

Op I'm in the exact same position! I've found keeping busy as much as you can will help ease he loneliness but also try to become comfortable with your own company at the same time (if that makes sense!)

Tunage

Hi Op,

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship break down. I'm in the same position myself but only a few weeks. I'm back living in my mums even though I've rented a little apartment but I'm just not ready to live on my own just yet.

I left a very social lifestyle/job/business and the lack of things to do is absolutely killing me but I'm slowly and surly learning to enjoy the time I have to myself. I'm going for long walks with the dog, babysitting for friends when they need it or just even tagging along with them for even the most mundane of things like bringing one of the kids to the doctor. It fills the day.

I'm finding weekends the hardest as my friends are all married with kids and don't have the option to just head to the pub when they feel like it or go to a nightclub to let the hair down.

Why not try catching up with old friends from college etc.. that's my plan. They live all around the country and it'l be great to be able to catch up with them again.

Lavinia

I find changes are stressful, specially when they involve a loss, regardless if it was your fault or not...
Starting over - as I am also doing at he moment, is not easy. I am climbing up then falling down - literally, with new career, jobs, loses of jobs, health, relationships etc., everything is upside-down. So I know how you feel.
All I have to say is - do not give up.
Start with a small step and then just follow the road. That is how I am hoping to come to a good and stable state in my life some time, regardless of all of these obstacles...

All the best to you and fingers crossed!