Holidays balance in a relationship

vetinari

This is a minor issue compared to other issues on this forum but has started to grate a bit in the last year.

Myself and my wife live in the States. I'm fortunate enough to work in a decent paying job and have a decent amount of days off. My wife's contract however is running out in a few months and she's actively job seeking at the moment.

Something I've wanted to do for years in the States is go skiing out west (somewhere like Colorado). I know it's a complete luxury but (I know how nobbish it sounds) is something that I can pay for both of us on my salary. My wife has some interest in it as well.

The plan would be to go from a Wednesday night to the following Tuesday taking 3 days off work. My wife is reluctant to take that time off from job searching. By itself this is perfectly reasonable. However, she's in general been reluctant to take any extended time off over the last few years.

When we got married last year, we didn't do a full honeymoon (as in take 2 weeks for a honeymoon) as she didn't want to take the time off work (I know from a work colleague of hers that the extra time off would have been fine_. We got married back in Ireland and took a week off afterwards around Ireland. It was lovely but much more in keeping with her kind of holiday. We plan to do a longer honeymoon later this year.

The only real extended time off she'll easily commit to is trips home to see family in Ireland. These are obviously great but don't really tick my box as a full on holiday. The longest non Ireland trip in the past 3 years has been two separate 1 week trips. Any trips outside of that are either weekends or long weekends.

I know that lots of people have much worse issues. It's building some resentment in me though as we plan to hopefully have kids and it'll be annoying to look back in a few years and think "why didn't we do bigger trips when we didn't have kids"

I'm wondering how other people might have dealt with an issue like this where expectations are different around holiday lengths and types. In my social circle, people only seem to take extended holidays with their partners. So it's not been something where I could go on a longer trip with some friends and not have to bug my wife about wanting to do more exciting holidays. Some of it for me is that my family never took holidays while I was growing up so I definitely have more of a desire to take holidays than other people might have. At the same time you can't exactly drag people on holidays, I obviously want her to have a good time if we go somewhere.

The other current factor for me is that my job is quite dull at the moment but I'm currently in the role of "stable wage earner" until my wife's job situation stabilizes. I'll have more flexibility to change jobs (maybe earn less) after that. Doing longer trips that are bigger routine breakers certainly look more attractive to me due to this.

acon2119

You could suggest to your wife that with the aid of technology she can still apply for jobs while on holiday with you. You don't have to be at home to look for a job.

I totally agree with you that now is the time to have adventures, because while you can still have holidays with children, it is a different kind of holiday.

Do you think maybe your wife's lack of job security is making her anxious and this is holding her back from doing things.

LegacyUser

It sounds like you just have different priorities. I know annual leave can be precious, and your wife prefers to use hers to visit home. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, except for the lack of compromise! She just doesn't sound as interested and adventurous, I suppose, as you. Again nothing wrong with that. There are lots of types of holidays that I would have a "mild" interest in but may not be willing to give up my precious holidays to go there when I'm more of a home bird!

It's not that she's wrong as such, but your ideas of holidays are just a bit incompatible. The problem, as I already said is the lack of compromise. She's not necessarily in the wrong... But neither are you. You are entitled to want a certain type of holiday occasionally. If you are the one always compromising to suit her, then that's not fair.

Could you agree to a compromise. This year you do what you'd like, next year what she'd like etc? The taking time out of job hunting sounds like an excuse. I'm guessing if you suggested 7 days at home in Ireland the job hunt could be put on hold for a while?!

Neyite

I'm wondering if how you organise your finances might be a factor. If you split things down the middle with each of you paying half, then her job security is likely to be a huge factor in making plans that involve spending money.
If you are a Mine-is-yours pooling everything couple then it might not be that, just that you both differ on what would be an ideal holiday for you. Or it may be that she wants to keep all her leave for visiting home.

Have you asked her why she is reluctant? You can job search from anywhere, so she could spend an hour job hunting and sending out applications over those three days, so if this is the reason, maybe having her contract finishing up and going back to the job hunt concerning her much more than she is letting on.

LegacyUser

I'd tell her I was going skiing 'cos it was a bit of an ambition and give her every chance to join me. Point out that it's a weekend, very little happening in terms of interviews etc, it's only a few days, there's no significant time difference for phone calls, emails etc and when it comes down to it, important as a job is, it's less important than the rest of your life. If she still says no, I'd say best of luck with the jobhunting, see you when I get back. Marriage isn't the end of you as an individual and if you let it be, you're to blame, not your wife. You've done a few years of being subject to her holiday plans, you don't owe further subjugation.
Plenty of couples manage separate holidays and activities and social lives, nothing wrong with it and for most couples doing stuff separately is actually one of the key factors in a healthy relationship. Certainly lot healthier than resenting your wife because you've been held back from an ambition.

zoobizoo

How about you go for a week and she goes for three days?

I've done that with my partner - she could afford a long holiday, I couldn't so I went to see her for five out of her 14 days.

I would not begrudge anyone with cash an extended holiday.

BTW, have you asked her if she is in fact interested in holidays/travel?

CaraMay

That's a good idea - you go for as long as you want and she's comes for 3 days. Join a ski class when you arrive so you gave people to ski with when she is gone.

Dial Hard

Does she get way fewer holidays than you? I know annual leave allowances can be absolutely dismal in the US. If she's spent years "hoarding" her days off for trips home to Ireland than 3 days to go skiing in the same country (which I would bite your hand off at the wrist for!) may be a bridge too far for her to consider.

I've also known people who see it almost as a personal challenge to take as few holidays from work as humanly possible. I've never understood it myself, I'm one of those people who has to eke them out to make them last the year.

vetinari

Thanks for the replies

The taking time out of job hunting sounds like an excuse. I'm guessing if you suggested 7 days at home in Ireland the job hunt could be put on hold for a while?!

This comment is quite on point. She definitely has more interest in trips home. A few months back, she had been half heartedly suggesting that we might go home for Easter. If we had gone ahead with that, I think she would have prioritized it over the job searching. We were home last September and at Christmas so wanting to go back again at the end of March is I think indicative of her holiday priorities.

Does she get way fewer holidays than you?

Not really, she's probably a more conscientious worker than me so can be slow to take time off (for non Ireland trips) Her current job is in academia, the vacation policy is fluid so there's plenty of scope to take days off. The flip side of this is that she will end up working a few hours 2 or 3 weekends a month.

I'm wondering if how you organise your finances might be a factor. If you split things down the middle with each of you paying half, then her job security is likely to be a huge factor in making plans that involve spending money.

She's quite independent and we generally try to split most bills. We put some money into a joint account for bills each month and keep the rest separate. This ski trip would be entirely paid for my me given her current job situation. I know she is a little uncomfortable about that type of situation. However, the alternative is that our holiday plans are then only what she can afford, which ultimately is an artificial limitation.

I don't think she does it intentionally but the priority of a non Ireland trip is always a bit lower for her. I'm generally quite laid back and not very proactive so she might inadvertently rely on me not fully organizing such a trip. In the case of the skiing, she hasn't given an outright no, just was quite lukewarm about it. Her objections have gradually increased with the amount of preparation I did for the trip.

Tigger99

You sound a bit dismissive about her discomfort about the unequalness of who pays for the holiday
It's not just an artificial limitation, it's an understandable concern on her part.

vetinari

I probably am a bit dismissive about the discomfort over me paying fully for a holiday.
At face value it's a reasonable concern.
At this moment in time though (it obviously could all change, I've been laid off before), I've been earning over double what my wife earns for the past 3 years.

Her desire to pay her fair share is obviously good but steadfastly sticking to it is limiting.
I do have resentment about the idea of living like I earn half the salary I do earn.
I save plenty of money, any future house down payment will be overwhelmingly made up of my savings.
She does want to buy a house at some point. I want to as well but am annoyed that she will be okay with me spending 130K dolars on a house downpayment but not on me paying for a holiday!

I'm struggling though with how to bring this up in a constructive manner?
The nature of any trip / recreational activity is that both people have to like it.
Not much good to drag someone on a trip that they don't want to go on.

CaraMay

Tigger99 wrote: »

You sound a bit dismissive about her discomfort about the unequalness of who pays for the holiday
It's not just an artificial limitation, it's an understandable concern on her part.

She's dismissive about his desire to take decent trips.

Op it would bore me to tears if the only trips I ever made were to Ireland. You need to talk and spell out to her that tit want to live life a bit

thattequilagirl

I think your strongest argument is that you're planning a family. Be really honest, tell her that you can't wait for all that, but that you want to make the most of what comes before it. Tell her you WANT to spoil her.

LegacyUser

Op what happens when you have kids? Is the long term plan to stay in the States or does your wife want to move back to Ireland? The fact she doesn't want to holiday or use her leave to see other places while living abroad would make me wonder what her plans are in the long term. When you come back here do you do any sightseeing or is just hanging out with the family?