Am I wrong?

LegacyUser

My other half stays with me 2 or sometimes 3 nights a week. Sometimes it is less then that. I make his dinner & he helps himself to any food he wants. He has a hearty appetite. He would finish the last of something & never replace it. When I mentioned it before he got all hurt & stormed off to the shops in a huff. He said if I was stayimg with him I could have what I wanted. However due to his living arrangements we don' t spend any time there. In the seveal years we are together he took me out for dinner once. Take aways we go half on. Even after me cooking a big dinner the fridge would be raided again that evening.

I'm starting to feel like his mammy & that my house is a hotel. Am I just mean or is he taking the piss? If I say anything he will get all hurt. I am starting to worry about our future. Neither of us have much money btw

LegacyUser

Amimean wrote: »

is he taking the piss? If I say anything he will get all hurt.

Yes, he is taking the piss and the storming off is extremely immature. Personally I would be miffed at a partner who was so unobservant as to not notice the imbalance, or so uncaring as to carry on regardless, but if it happens inadvertently then it should just take one conversation to sort it out - "Are you aware of this...?". I think any reasonable partner would probably be slightly embarrassed and a little apologetic that they'd done that without realising, then you'd come to an arrangement and that would be that. If their reaction was a tit-for-tat "you can eat anything at my place" knowing full well that's no use to you, then to storm off, I'd be thinking hard about whether or not they're mature enough for a relationship.

woodchuck

I'm in a similar situation, but on the other side: spend some time at my boyfriends place and obviously we eat dinners etc while there.

While I don't just help myself to whatever is in the press/fridge, I still try to make sure he's not left out of pocket because of me. I find it handy if he needs to pick some things up in the shop while I'm with him because that gives me an opportunity to give him some cash for stuff I know the two of us will be eating. It would be really awkward just to give him cash otherwise! Maybe that's something you could do; go shopping together? Another approach could be to ask him to pick up a few things to bring over if he's on the way. If he makes a fuss in either of those situations, then I'm afraid he's just stingy...

Just paying devils advocate here also, but how much expense is involved for him to visit you? If the train/bus journey costs a lot, he could be thinking that he's already 'paying' more to spend time with you (i.e. there's no travel expense for you). Just a thought, but could be totally off the mark!

Milly33

Sounds like he is taking the piss a little.. I get men can be lazy sometimes and especially if they are used to having everything done for them but nip it in the bud I would think..

If that we me I would be bringing some food over to his house that I like or maybe leave a bag of stuff there for me... Or like Woodchuck says give some cash, start a pot or something so that if ye do need anything ye take from the pot...

That or just tell him he cant eat the food if he wants snacks n such go get it himself...

CaraMay

Are you in a flat share? Does he eat the communal food? Its kind of a red flag that he's a man-child / Mammy's boy if he wants you to always cook for him. Why don't you stay in his place? Have you similar income levels and expenses?

handlemaster

OP he is not going to change

blueb

OP i know a guy like this.. hes a friend of mine but is very tight. its one of the worst qualities in a person. it seems to me like your guy is all take and no give. i dont think your over reacting here at all.

Its one thing for you to make his dinner ect.. many lads love this but it should always be reciprocated, possibly not by cooking a meal in return but defiantly by buying a take out.. or meal out .. or a present at the end of the week to say thanks...i hope he at least cleans up after you cook? or does something nice for you, that dosnt cost anything!
Could be time to put the foot down here.

njs030

My OH does this too, except he arrives for up to a week. Sometimes he might give me a tenner but generally it's left to me to buy everything. I wouldnt mind buying dinner but it's the constant snacking and eating everything in sight that drives me insane! Sometimes he will go to the shop and buy himself snacks but none for anyone else, and when they run out its back to eating my stuff.

I'm glad you posted op because I've realised its not me being tight and I plan to gently ask him to contribute to shopping and if he doesn't want to pay for snacks then not to eat them.....I suggest you do the same!

PinkLemonade

You're right to be annoyed, he should be bringing his own snacks over and chipping in for meals, you shouldn't be splitting takeaways 50/50 if your paying 100% of the rest of the food bill (that one meal out aside).

He sounds very spoilt

eviltwin

Stop making his dinner for a start. You don't want that to become your role in his life.

ManOfMystery

Amimean wrote: »

My other half stays with me 2 or sometimes 3 nights a week. Sometimes it is less then that. I make his dinner & he helps himself to any food he wants. He has a hearty appetite. He would finish the last of something & never replace it. When I mentioned it before he got all hurt & stormed off to the shops in a huff. He said if I was stayimg with him I could have what I wanted. However due to his living arrangements we don' t spend any time there. In the seveal years we are together he took me out for dinner once. Take aways we go half on. Even after me cooking a big dinner the fridge would be raided again that evening.

I'm starting to feel like his mammy & that my house is a hotel. Am I just mean or is he taking the piss? If I say anything he will get all hurt. I am starting to worry about our future. Neither of us have much money btw

I echo what others have said, he seems quite tight and there could be a worrying pattern emerging here.

In terms of how to tackle it, it's very simple.

1) Hide your snacks before he comes over. If he complains there is nothing to eat, tell him to feel free to go and buy something at the shop if he's hungry.

2) Stop making dinners for him every single time he's over. Tell him you've decided it's time both of you took turns cooking.

Hopefully he'll get the message sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser

I was actually wondering if it was me who was tight. I would have a lot more expenses then him. In previous relationships I never had this because equal time was spent in each others places, eating out etc.

I have on occasion not cooked & this just results in a major fridge raid. He does a lot of this when I am not in the kitchen. I have walked into the kitchen to find him wolfing down stuff. Otherwise he is a great person, will clean & even cook with food I brought. I don't want to make it seem like he is a bad person. He is thoughtful in other ways however I do agree there is a lot of taking & not much giving. I'm not a princess or anything like that. This issue however worries me as if we were to live together he would have me eaten out of house & home. I have mentioned it before & he got in a major huff. It is not an easy subject to bring up - " Excuse me can you stop eating all the food"

Augme

The tightness is bad enough but the fact he stormed off in a huff about it is even worse. I'd have serious considerations about where you see the future of this relationship going. Gotta ask yourself if your happy staying with a guy who's going to throw a temper tantrum every time you have issues. Couples fight and disagree, it's natural, and it's one of the few guarantees in a relationship tbh. Having to deal with a life time of temper tantrums from a partner would be far too off-putting for me. Not only that, but this isn't even that big of an issue. I'd hate to see how he'd react over something important.

woodchuck

Ophere wrote: »

I was actually wondering if it was me who was tight. I would have a lot more expenses then him. In previous relationships I never had this because equal time was spent in each others places, eating out etc.

I have on occasion not cooked & this just results in a major fridge raid. He does a lot of this when I am not in the kitchen. I have walked into the kitchen to find him wolfing down stuff. Otherwise he is a great person, will clean & even cook with food I brought. I don't want to make it seem like he is a bad person. He is thoughtful in other ways however I do agree there is a lot of taking & not much giving. I'm not a princess or anything like that. This issue however worries me as if we were to live together he would have me eaten out of house & home. I have mentioned it before & he got in a major huff. It is not an easy subject to bring up - " Excuse me can you stop eating all the food"

I agree it's a difficult conversation to have. How did you broach the subject with him before? Maybe it's just a matter of being more delicate and explaining your position more clearly. E.g. if he eats half a packet of ham, explain to him that you had that earmarked for your lunches for the rest of the week and that you need to buy twice as much now than intended and you hadn't budgeted for it.

How old is he OP? Does he still live at home? It sounds like he might just be immature and clueless to be honest...

Carlos Orange

What about his living arrangements precludes spending time there and how was that decision made?
Only sharing time at one persons place seems like it would inevitably lead to a kinda unbalanced home life.

Milly33

You can say it nicely to him or like suggest things maybe like the shared pot that ye put money into and go out then an buy food together..

I get what you say, when you mention he is a loverly person in other ways everyone has their glitches.. Tis all about really how he handles it. If he goes off in a huff or is all negative about the situation then either tell him the law of the land he can like it or lump it..Bring his own food or just dont eat all yours

I am trying to think what we were like.. I know if I was at his or anything he would cook for me sometimes and wed either shop together or he would have it as a treat.. Even today we half the shopping and like I would never eat lets say his favourite pack of biscuits. I will say I still call him up on when he goes to the shop and comes back with one drink im like mmmm cough cough...

CaraMay

He's not that nice. He's living off you for free for 1/2 of every week...

beks101

"Here Johnny, you know how much I love seeing you and having you over to stay, but the food situation is becoming a bit of an expense for me. Obviously I always want to see you fed but you eat a lot more than me and it's ramping up my grocery bill every week. Any chance we can meet half way on this? Why don't you pick up some things for dinner on Fri?"

whiskeyman

Amimean wrote: »

In the several years we are together he took me out for dinner once.

Forgot about everything else for a moment...
Is this for real?
Even when you were dating?
Your birthdays?
Special occasions?

I know you said neither of you have that much money, but if he really wanted to he'd put some aside to treat you.

Are you happy in this relationship?

pookie82

He sounds like a bit of a Mammy's boy who sees a woman as a cooker/provider of food and doesn't really think about the actual cost of feeding a grown man with a large appetite.

Why don't you start doing your weekly shop when he's with you? Wait until he calls over, and haul him to the supermarket. Walk around the aisles and make a point of trying to choose the cheapest options, explaining your food bills lately are costing you a fortune. Ask him for half at the checkout.

Sounds like you're literally going to have to take him by the hand and *show* him the expense involved here.

If he still huffs and puffs, then you're dealing with a self centered man-child, and your issues are much bigger than your food bill.

Making your boyfriend a nice, home cooked meal is a nice gesture and something that I personally enjoy doing for mine. There's no need to stop, per se, but in my case my boyfriend would accompany me to the shop some weekends and pay for everything, and when we eat out he pays most of the time, so it more than evens out.

LynnGrace

He is the one who is mean, OP, not you. It's a horrible trait, and I would find it hard to see past it. It's easy for him to say, you could have what you liked, at his place, if you don't actually get to spend time there. Responding by huffing, says a lot.

Think long and hard, about how this might pan out, in time to come, if you were to live together / get married / have children etc. I'm quite sure he has good points, but meanness is extremely unattractive, in anyone, in my opinion.

stargazer 68

OP you said you are several years together - has there ever been any discussion about you living together? He will see then how much it costs to keep him!

mapaca

I'm assuming this guy still lives at home and Mammy does everything for him. He probably just doesn't realise the expense and effort that goes into getting the shopping done/ cooking a dinner/ making sure there's food in the fridge, etc. Most people don't, until they move out and have to do these things for themselves. Talk to him again about it. Maybe he just doesn't appreciate all you do for him. Or maybe he is just taking advantage. He needs to talk to you about it like an adult though, no storming off!

SarahMollie

You really need to have this conversation wiht him OP. Tactfully of course, but it needs to happen.

The best case scenario is that for whatever reason, the disparity in your relationship simply hasnt dawned on him. If he's in anyway decent, he will rectify.

If not, then its a sign of a huge character flaw IMO. Can you live with an unfair relationship long term?

JustAThought

No you are not wrong and yes he is absolutely taking advantage both of you and of the living/commute situation.

Its SO hard to say that someone is mean and taking advantage, particilarly if you have been brought up to offer, share and be considerate.

If you both have very little money then this makes it even worse as he will be aware of how little you have & how much its cost you to give - as well as that he is saving by not bringing or contributing anything.

I'd +1 the whole why are you cooking for him & that he us using you as an Irish Mammy - with benefits. Personally I'd be looking at the relationship - whats in it for you, do you want to marry this man & live with him forever, will you be letting him treat you like this forever? Or he is just conventient because things are bad & he is available - albeit selfish & ttinconsiderate. Do you want to be trapped with a child with this man & not even able to work - and relying on him for all your furture clothing, heat, housing & nutrition needs?

Sounds like the whole basis for the relationship is in question. I'd be suggesting that he stop coming over for a while & that you think it best he comes after he has eaten & bring whatever snack he might want with him - you would prefer if he didn't eat from your fridge or presses. I wouldn't be adding another lsyer of drugery & mammy duties to your 'romantic' relationship - shopping! Let him man up & take responsibilty or best, eat & absorb the cost and inconvenience, elsewhere.
If truth be known at this stage I'd really be reverting to dates and no stay-overs for at least a few weeks even if it was only one drink out ( sounds cheeper than feeding him) to see if you actually still had anything you share or in common with him other than a food press & the convenience of sex, nice & all as it is & see if you really still have something in common with him, or a sparkle of real romance other than food, shopping & sex. You're worth more than that.

suicide_circus

Unfortunately your boyfriend appears to be stingy, inconsiderate and immature. People who are tight with money never change.

Lavinia

Its probably already been said but yea, he is taking advantage of you and would be good if you stand up for yourself. Stop making dinners or making food until he contributes, say you will cook and ask him to bring ingredients or something...
If he still plays "angry" and "blame you" game leave him he is just wasting your time. He needs to grow up and you staying and playing that role for him will not help him in the process.