Girlfriend of 7 years interested in another guy

MartyMcFly84

Sorry for making this long winded but the situation needed some back ground.

I have been in a relationship for 7 years. I am 31 and she is 32. Over that time we have had a large amount of ups and down, and been tested in almost every way possible. Early on it was my alcoholism and other vices that caused issues. It was something she partook in early on but then matured faster than I did. She saw something in me when I did not. About 3 years ago we made major life changes after almost breaking up due my drinking and me promising to change. We quit our jobs in Spain that we were uphappy with and made plans to move back to Ireland, with nothing. In the two and half years we have been back we went from collecting the social welfare and living in shoebox like flat. To both securing decent jobs and moving into a nice apartment. For the first time in our lives we have savings and could afford to travel and visit places which we both enjoyed tremendously. Its like we were the selves we always wanted to be. Fit and healthy and happy. We have no debts or vices.

Around 6 months ago I got very intense into training for MMA and kickboxing fights. It was something i had done in the past but dropped when i moved to Spain. It involved training 6 days a week after work and Saturday mornings. I wanted to test myself to settle questions I had inside after dropping the sport it right before it really took off in this country, I always wondered (what if). On my free time I was tired and could be irritable, and was always dieting or unable to go for a drink. Recently i sensed it was becoming too much and my girlfriend was getting bored or lonely. My drive to compete has lessened recently and I feel I have answered the questions I had about myself.

I decided to make some changes only recently and a new job that with a more direct progression, and would give me qualifications (starting in a couple weeks). It is in the same industry and would align career opportunities on a similar level with her (different roles). I came up with a solid plan to secure a mortgage and deposit in the next 6 months or so and cut back on massively training as I was not going to purse this as a career path and so I could spend more time with her.

Now for the gut wrencher. There has been a guy pursuing her in work for the last number of months that she pushed away. However last week she opened up to him and showed interest. He is crazy about her, promising her the world and making her feel special. He is about 5 years older than me, has his own house, car, PHD and make a much bigger salary than me. He is not an attractive guy but for all other accounts he is great. He has been telling my girlfriend he loves her. On Friday they kissed and both expressed crazy feeling for each other. Normally my gf and I spend Fridays together so I thought i was odd she wanted to stay out longer than normal with work friends. On Saturday morning she told me she had kissed him, and she thinks she loves him. She has very strong feelings for him and he seems to have touched something inside her that she was missing for a long time.

I am obviously torn up. In a matter of days she has jumped into thinking she is in love with this person. She feels like a teenager and cried with happiness on Friday that this person had opened to her and she opened up to him.

I am absolutely in love with her, we shared our lives together through thick and thin. I know I did not provide for her needs by not being there over the last few months but I had no idea it was that bad. I already had begun to make changes when I was hit with this bomb shell over the weekend.

She essentially wanted to run away with him on Saturday and move into his house (he has invited to everything he has) and I had calm her down. We spent the weekend together going through periods of warmth and closeness, to tears and anger towards me from repeated promises I had made and broken in the past, and all I am offering are more promises. Some are slightly unfounded and not a reflection of our last three years together. The other guy looks like Mr. perfect and I don't know what to do. I don't want to loose her, and want us to build our lives together. Have I emotionally neglected her for too long, by not being around? Has our relationship been too tainted through past experience to ever have the beautiful one this other person is offering her? How can this person love her if they have not even started a proper relationship? How can she think she loves him?

I feel the a major reason this has come up was because I was absent with training, but now I am not and have the time to offer.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thanks

beks101

God OP that's a tough one.

This girl has basically cheated on you, not just physically on Friday night but from what it sounds, emotionally for quite some time. You don't just "love" someone out of the blue. Even if you're out of your mind. That sort of declaration builds out of time and investment, especially if you're a mid-30s dude with your life together.

So I wouldn't be so sure at all that this is emerging out of nowhere. I also wouldn't be as supportive to her as you seem to be. Stop pandering to her and stop trying to compete with him. Regardless of whether you've been spending more time down the gym than with her the last few months - she has turned her back on you and welcomed the advances of a colleague; she has betrayed you. Now is not the time to stick around and help her to figure it out. What about you? What about what you need and deserve?

TBH I think you need some headspace. I think you need to put your foot down and either you or her need to move out of that apartment, after you've made it clear to her that you love her but will not stand for betrayal. You also won't compete with the guy with the house and the big salary because that's not the kind of relationship you're interested in.
And you won't commit to someone whose head can be turned when things aren't rosy for a month or two despite years of love and commitment. You won't be in her life and there for her emotionally if he is too.

MartyMcFly84

Thank you for the response it makes a huge difference to hear another persons perspective.

I don't want the relationship to end. But at the same time all weekend I have been more worried about us breaking up than even feeling angry at her for what happened. More angry at myself for letting this happen, that I had done wrong by us.

beks101

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

I don't want the relationship to end. But at the same time all weekend I have been more worried about us breaking up than even feeling angry at her for what happened. More angry at myself for letting this happen, that I had done wrong by us.

It's not your fault though. Did you neglect her needs emotionally? Did you not spend enough time with her or pay her enough attention? Maybe. Probably. For a little while.

Did she come to you like an adult and tell you that this wasn't working for her, that she needs more from a relationship, that she's losing interest and is at the risk of falling for someone else if things didn't change? Did you both sit down and have that conversation? Or did she just turn her back and get involved with someone else?

When you're in something long-term the honeymoon shine wears off after a year or two and staying in love and committed is bloody hard work. There's twists and bumps in the road. There's hurdles and obstacles and highs and lows. And there's no getting through it unless you're in it together as a team, a partnership. Is that what you have in her?

Obviously after seven years you're not about to close the door on her after one shocking revelation. But you need to think about yourself. How is this going to impact you? Can the relationship recover from this, can you trust her again? And that's even if she decides to stick with you. Has she given you any indication that she even will? She sounds like a teenager to be honest, blindly and impulsively being wow'd by some shiny new words and material things and a bit of attention she's not used to.

Latching onto her at all costs is a bad move in the long run, because what's a victory in that scenario? Her staying with you reluctantly and growing to resent and detest you for it, you wracked with uncertainty and insecurities, her cheating again down the line, prolonging an inevitable breakup?

MartyMcFly84

I suppose my first reaction has been to latch on. That we both have put too much into it. She thinks she has put more into the relationship than me in many respects and I have benefited more than her, and now she wants someone who can do that for her. Someone to look after her. She has always been a feminist and independent so it was really strange for me to hear she wants to be looked after and treated by a more mature man. Its like a different side of her that I never seen before.

In her job they have a free bar and organise lots of activities. So she has had a lot of ideal time to to spend with this guy. In fun scenarios like a free bar, pool, and outdoor activities the job organises.

While with me it has become very run of the mill, typical life stuff. Definitely over the last few months I have been getting home when she was going to bed and we only really have time fun together when we go away every 3 or 4 months. Or the odd Sunday if I was not not wrecked.

Another side effect of massive amounts of training was a marked loss in libido. I was honestly too tired to think about it and stopped making advances and on a couple of occasions denied hers as it never seemed to be a good time, like i was crawling into bed at the very end of the week or woken up from sleeping. We kissed (not deep kissing) and cuddled a lot but probably were only intimate a few times over the last 7 months or so. She says she misses romance and feeling wanted.

She is a very attractive person, and I know she is physically attracted to me but chemistry between us seemed to have gone into a coma recently. She said me having a nice body is not much use if I am to tired or don't want to be with her. In the past we experimented together as a couple sexually and now over time it has become less and less frequent but with a definitely a drought with only occasion nights over the last while. In some ways I did not miss it, cuddling and kissing and watching a movie together was enough for me.

Rekop dog

Sounds like you've got an addictive personality. Obviously the training is a much healthier one then the alcohol but if it starts consuming you to a point of being irritable in down times she probably seen similar red flag signs as before with the drink, and possibly wondering what's the next obsession/habit that you're going to prioritise ahead of her or any potential kids(if you/she wants them) in the future.

armaghlad

My advice is

1) put your mma training to good use and give your man a good slap

2) download tinder and go on the rebound

There are plenty of women out there and probably better ones than her. If she can fall in love with some middle aged materialistic uglier man, why can't you fall in love with a younger, better looking and less materialistic woman?

MartyMcFly84

Sounds like you've got an addictive personality. Obviously the training is a much healthier one then the alcohol but if it starts consuming you to a point of being irritable in down times she probably seen similar red flag signs as before with the drink, and possibly wondering what's the next obsession/habit that you're going to prioritise ahead of her or any potential kids(if you/she wants them) in the future.

Thank you for this. It is definitely something I have been dealing with, and yes I can see the correlation between the two. Like I replaced one all consuming thing with another, and she is worried there will be something else if I cut back on training. I was trying to say I want our lives, getting a house and her to be my focus but it seems to be falling on deaf ears.

She did say this to me, that there was often something I was prioritising ahead of her, in early days it was drinking not being able to stay in on the weekends , and then later it became not being able to miss a training session because I had a fight coming up. I think the killer was I booked 5 or 6 fights in close order. So it was almost constant, I was getting a ego boost from the guys in the gym while neglecting things at home.

Neyite

armaghlad wrote: »

My advice is

1) put your mma training to good use and give your man a good slap

2) download tinder and go on the rebound

There are plenty of women out there and probably better ones than her. If she can fall in love with some middle aged materialistic uglier man, why can't you fall in love with a younger, better looking and less materialistic woman?

Mod:

suggesting violence of any kind is not permitted here.

strandroad

Not much there to salvage I think, she wants another and plans to drop you, and you were out of the house 6 days a week and horrible otherwise to test yourself, and didn't notice. You went your separate ways long ago, just happened to live together.

MartyMcFly84

Not much there to salvage I think, she wants another and plans to drop you, and you were out of the house 6 days a week and horrible otherwise to test yourself, and didn't notice. You went your separate ways long ago, just happened to live together.

Very much how I felt last couple of days. But thought if I dropped the training we could save things, when we spend time together we get on great. Maybe what you are saying is just the harsh reality and I have no one to blame but myself

PinkLemonade

Let her go, she loves someone else, your relationship has been dead for some time now

DeltaWhite

I do feel sorry for you OP. My ex got big into Kick Boxing, to the point where he was like you, 6 nights a week. So I never got to see him, and he became obsessed with it. But unlike your girlfriend, I had the balls to end it with my ex. I didn't get involved with anyone else. There were a few other factors that made me end it, but I do agree with the others, I dont think there is anything you can do now to salvage what you had. She seems to have already moved on.

bigpink

armaghlad wrote: »

My advice is

1) put your mma training to good use and give your man a good slap

2) download tinder and go on the rebound

There are plenty of women out there and probably better ones than her. If she can fall in love with some middle aged materialistic uglier man, why can't you fall in love with a younger, better looking and less materialistic woman?

What a idiot.Oh the the big tough man you are

strandroad

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

Very much how I felt last couple of days. But thought if I dropped the training we could save things, when we spend time together we get on great. Maybe what you are saying is just the harsh reality and I have no one to blame but myself

Well from what you're saying it's not the first crisis you went through, and with this last one she did voice her concerns to you. So while she should have broken up with you before she moved on, looks like this ship has sailed...

Jan Laco

If you do end up sticking together, are you going to be all the time worried if she's thinking about the other guy or is she going to be thinking what if?

Let her go and more importantly, when she comes crawling back after finding the grass ain't greener, don't take her back!

PressRun

This ship has well sailed at this point, I think. It doesn't sound like either of you are on the same page anymore. You've thrown yourself into MMA stuff to an almost obsessive level (albeit better than throwing oneself into the drink) and she's become bored and distracted, by the sounds of things. I think in her boredom she has constructed an idealized image of what life would be like with this new man and I imagine she'll probably get a rude awakening some time down the line when she realizes that the grass isn't greener, but I don't think there's anything to salvage between you two now. She's very much emotionally involved with this other man and didn't have the decency to tell you before now that the relationship wasn't working for her anymore. I'd cut her loose.

From your perspective, a lesson that could be drawn from this is the importance of striking a balance between the different aspects of your own life. Although MMA might be a better place to focus one's energy than drink, I don't think it's good to be obsessive about anything to the detriment of other aspects of your life. Finding that balance and sustaining it is important for anyone who might have an addictive personality.

armaghlad

bigpink wrote: »

What a idiot.Oh the the big tough man you are

Was intended with tongue firmly in cheek.

Augme

Be glad your rid of her. Also make sure to stand firm if she comes running back, which is probably highly likely.

Emme

OP it sounds like your relationship has been over for some time and you didn't realise it. Well done on giving up drink and getting into fitness. Unfortunately your gf has taken a back seat to both of those things at different stages. Did you both sit down at any time and discuss your interest in MMA or did you ask your gf how she felt about you not being around while you were training?

A lot of people meet through work. Even though she only knows this guy 6 months she has probably been spending more time with him than with you. Not intentionally but by default through work and work related interests. I agree that she did the dirt but she has been supportive of you over the years. Have you supported her in any of her goals?

The posters who are advising you not to take her back are being harsh. She has been supportive of you during tough times and probably when you fell off the wagon. However I think she put her own feelings on the back burner and never told you how she felt. She might not have told you how neglected she felt when you were doing your MMA training.

I think you should move on. Maybe get back into training for a while to take your mind off things. She has made a decision and she might feel that a relationship based on pragmatism is better than a stormy one where she is supporting someone who is trying to decide who they are.

The new relationship might work for her and it might not. You might get back together and you might not. That's not the point. You have to focus on yourself now. You have to learn self-reliance and plan your life without anyone else in mind.

I wish both you and your gf (or ex gf) luck. I know she hasn't been fair to you lately but you might not be where you are today if it weren't for her.

noodler

Not qualified to give advice here.

However, I think it is amazing she can cheat on you and you can be seen as the bad guy.

It kind of sounds like this guy only gets to be with her on nights outs. There could be question marks over whether they would get on living together warts and all.

I wouldn't blame yourself anyway. We can always find fault with ourselves but if she wanted the moral high ground here then she would have told you the relationship was over before she cheated.

Augme

Emme wrote: »

The posters who are advising you not to take her back are being harsh. She has been supportive of you during tough times and probably when you fell off the wagon. However I think she put her own feelings on the back burner and never told you how she felt. She might not have told you how neglected she felt when you were doing your MMA training.

She cheated on him, then she cried with happiness when telling him she cheated on him and that she was planning on moving in with him. The OP should really be setting the bar far higher when it comes to picking life long partners.

Emme

Augme wrote: »

She cheated on him, then she cried with happiness when telling him she cheated on him and that she was planning on moving in with him. The OP should really be setting the bar far higher when it comes to picking life long partners.

I agree she wasn't an angel. However she seems to have stood by him over the last 7 years. The OP sounds like the faithful type so she probably doesn't realise how lucky she was. I would have my doubts about a guy who chased me while I was in a relationship. Some guys want something they can't have and when they get it they lose interest.

Maybe she didn't talk to the OP about how she felt but discussed it with her colleagues. Especially during the months while the OP was training. Lack of communication can be the death knell for a relationship.

A lot of people meet through work and the OP's gf would have had plenty of time to think while he was doing his MMA training. Did he ask her how she felt about him being away so much?

Perhaps last weekend wasn't the first time she was with this guy.

Lau2976

Agree with the posters above OP. there is nothing left to salvage.

As someone said you seem like you have an addictive personality, maybe she was worried what would come next. She supported you through your addictions and by the way you describe what she said about how she feels, it sounds like she's sick of being the supporter all the time and wants some support.

Whether you want to give her another shot or not, if she wants one, is up to you OP, but make sure you take care of yourself first.

Thargor

Even through the filter of only hearing how the boyfriend reports it, it sounds like they're fairly mad about each other tbh, sorry OP.

CaraMay

She's gone op. It might just be the attention from yer man that has turned her head but something was wrong in first place to allow her head be turned.

Don't try and hold on to her. Her mind is made up. Let her make her own mistakes as thus is clearly a rebound.

MartyMcFly84

Hi Guys,

Thank you for the advice. Some of the posts were incredibly insightful and you did see between the lines and really understood important aspects.

I tried to my best to portray her point of few in my posts but obviously its difficult as its me telling you guys and not her.

I find it very difficult to be mad at her over this, I felt some anger yesterday but it went away, as I do feel I should be mad at myself. I took her for granted thinking that we are better off now than we were before so this would be enough. That if she could help me through my darkest times what we have now is better. I feel incredibly stupid now.

The note someone posted earlier about finding balance in my life is key. Its something I did not do, and let myself get spread to thin and neglected her emotional and own self esteem needs, even after all she did for me. I took it for granted she would always be there.

MartyMcFly84

Update to this-

I left work early yesterday and tried to keep myself busy. Sold some stuff I had on adverts, went for a run in the park (stopped by a restaurant on the way she thought she left her glasses in after our meal and drink on Sat, they didn't have them). Did a mini work out at home, sent her a sexy pic of myself kind of tongue in cheek,(I don't know why I did this really but thought it would make her laugh and was feeling good after exercising)went grocery shopping, prepared meals for the week and got suck into ironing (this was a house task she normally did,but a lot of it would of been my work shirts etc, while I did other stuff like cleaning or cooking).

Initially following on from reading posts on this form I was feeling better as I was focusing on myself. But as the evening when on it got later and later and I was getting more down and found myself watching the clock and checking my phone. She came home about 00.15 , I was still up just cleaning up after myself and putting things away. It was so late I didn't want to get into anything. That morning I had asked if we could go over our finances in the evening as I wanted to make sure we are all squared off. We were both tired, exchanged pleasantries and she went almost straight to bed. I did to, I just asked if she was ok she said she was. I noticed she did not ask the same about me.

We slept and absently I kissed her goodnight. This morning she put her arm over me, (we usually hugged for 10-15 mins every morning before getting up.) She didn't initially seem to want to hug just have her arm over me. But then came over and we lay there for a time. It was very nice. We went along with our morning routine and just noticed she was keeping her answers short with me. I asked does she know what time she will be back today and she said after the gym around 8pm but would like a little time in the apartment alone. I asked if she like my pic from yesterday and she laughed a little and said yes. I will go teach a class and would probably come back around 9pm.

Still unsure of what to do next or where her head is exactly(well I have an idea but still want to fight for it). If she is not saying anything should I instigate or wait until she is ready to talk? I don't want to be suffocating. should I not read to much into the closeness this morning? Is it just a habit thing? I know all signs are pointing to an end but I cant help but hope.

Am I being a total sap here?

MartyMcFly84

She cheated on him, then she cried with happiness when telling him she cheated on him and that she was planning on moving in with him. The OP should really be setting the bar far higher when it comes to picking life long partners.

Just to clarify this point. On Friday night she came home after kissing the other guy. I was asleep on the couch after watching a movie kind of waiting for her. She did not wake me up and went into the bedroom and told me she cried with happiness. So it was not as cold as doing it to my face.

I woke up in the middle of the night and joined her in bed. The next morning early she told me what had happened.

Augme

I know it's been mention that you seem to have an addictive personality which could be true. However it strikes me more that you probably have really low self-esteem. It would explain the heavy drinking as often people try to drink to make them feel better about themselves, or at least try and escape from themselves. The same with the intense training and chasing the endorphins. Then there is the fact that you continuously blame yourself for this and lastly that you struggled to last one night in your own company.

MartyMcFly84

I know it's been mention that you seem to have an addictive personality which could be true. However it strikes me more that you probably have really low self-esteem. It would explain the heavy drinking as often people try to drink to make them feel better about themselves, or at least try and escape from themselves. The same with the intense training and chasing the endorphins. Then there is the fact that you continuously blame yourself for this and lastly that you struggled to last one night in your own company.

Perhaps you are right here. I certainly had confidence issues years ago, but thought they were getting better. There are times I like being on my own from time to time and others I do not. If anything in recent years I have become much more comfortable in my own company, like eating alone etc which is something I would have never done in my early 20s.

Recently on a Monday I would be home around 10.30 pm. So yesterday was a big change to my schedule and I was a litte unsure of what to do but tried to be as productive as possible. What I struggled with was that I knew she had an appointment at 8pm and if she was to come home after would be back around 9.30 or 10pm at the latest. The fact it was later made me assume she was with the other guy and I guess that was what was making me feel anxious or down.

armaghlad

Probably not want you (or others) want to hear, but you need to go out on the pull and have some long, meaningless sex. Believe me it will help.

MartyMcFly84

Probably not want you (or others) want to hear, but you need to go out on the pull and have some long, meaningless sex. Believe me it will help.

I appreciate the advise, but I don't know if something empty is what I need right now.

beks101

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

She came home about 00.15, I was still up just cleaning up after myself and putting things away. It was so late I didn't want to get into anything. That morning I had asked if we could go over our finances in the evening as I wanted to make sure we are all squared off. We were both tired, exchanged pleasantries and she went almost straight to bed. I did to, I just asked if she was ok she said she was. I noticed she did not ask the same about me.

We slept and absently I kissed her goodnight. This morning she put her arm over me, (we usually hugged for 10-15 mins every morning before getting up.) She didn't initially seem to want to hug just have her arm over me. But then came over and we lay there for a time. It was very nice. We went along with our morning routine and just noticed she was keeping her answers short with me. I asked does she know what time she will be back today and she said after the gym around 8pm but would like a little time in the apartment alone. I asked if she like my pic from yesterday and she laughed a little and said yes. I will go teach a class and would probably come back around 9pm.

Still unsure of what to do next or where her head is exactly(well I have an idea but still want to fight for it). If she is not saying anything should I instigate or wait until she is ready to talk? I don't want to be suffocating. should I not read to much into the closeness this morning? Is it just a habit thing? I know all signs are pointing to an end but I cant help but hope.

Am I being a total sap here?

Sorry OP but she's gone.

The staying out after midnight (with himself no doubt), zero communication except for some short, curt responses, requesting time alone in the apartment you share together. You're no better than flat mates at this point. She has emotionally shut down.

I understand you are heartbroken and in pain, but you're only going to hurt yourself more by clinging to this woman who no longer wants to be with you and whose heart and mind and soul is elsewhere. By analyzing her every move and clock watching and clutching at straws to convince yourself that there's a shred of hope.

I agree with the poster who mentioned your low self esteem. It would explain accepting this woman's betrayal and thinking it's entirely your fault and not seeing what's right in front of your eyes and the history with addictive tendencies.

I think you have a tough road ahead of you with the demise of this relationship and I really think it's in your best interest to start putting yourself first in the days and weeks ahead. No more begging or pleading or hanging on her every movement. Preserve your own sanity and let her move on, as she inevitably will.

MartyMcFly84

OP it sounds like your relationship has been over for some time and you didn't realise it. Well done on giving up drink and getting into fitness. Unfortunately your gf has taken a back seat to both of those things at different stages. Did you both sit down at any time and discuss your interest in MMA or did you ask your gf how she felt about you not being around while you were training?

A lot of people meet through work. Even though she only knows this guy 6 months she has probably been spending more time with him than with you. Not intentionally but by default through work and work related interests. I agree that she did the dirt but she has been supportive of you over the years. Have you supported her in any of her goals?

The posters who are advising you not to take her back are being harsh. She has been supportive of you during tough times and probably when you fell off the wagon. However I think she put her own feelings on the back burner and never told you how she felt. She might not have told you how neglected she felt when you were doing your MMA training.

I think you should move on. Maybe get back into training for a while to take your mind off things. She has made a decision and she might feel that a relationship based on pragmatism is better than a stormy one where she is supporting someone who is trying to decide who they are.

The new relationship might work for her and it might not. You might get back together and you might not. That's not the point. You have to focus on yourself now. You have to learn self-reliance and plan your life without anyone else in mind.

I wish both you and your gf (or ex gf) luck. I know she hasn't been fair to you lately but you might not be where you are today if it weren't for her.

Thank you for this post. It was incredibly insightful and you really seem to have stuck the nail on the head. In answer to your question, I did speak to her about the importance of training to me and the level I would need to train at to win. She told me to go for it but I don't think she expected it to get the the level it did or for as long as it did, as never before in our relationship had I trained to that level, only did a bit casually since we were together.

She even came to support me a number of times, she was so happy with my victories, but when she came to the last fight a couple weeks ago her enthusiasm was much more muted. She was still happy but it wasn't the same, I think this is when I realised something was wrong and I needed to make some changes. Unfortunately it seems like it was too late

MartyMcFly84

Sorry OP but she's gone.

The staying out after midnight (with himself no doubt), zero communication except for some short, curt responses, requesting time alone in the apartment you share together. You're no better than flat mates at this point. She has emotionally shut down.

I understand you are heartbroken and in pain, but you're only going to hurt yourself more by clinging to this woman who no longer wants to be with you and whose heart and mind and soul is elsewhere. By analyzing her every move and clock watching and clutching at straws to convince yourself that there's a shred of hope.

I agree with the poster who mentioned your low self esteem. It would explain accepting this woman's betrayal and thinking it's entirely your fault and not seeing what's right in front of your eyes and the history with addictive tendencies.

I think you have a tough road ahead of you with the demise of this relationship and I really think it's in your best interest to start putting yourself first in the days and weeks ahead. No more begging or pleading or hanging on her every movement. Preserve your own sanity and let her move on, as she inevitably will.

Thank you for your posts, they really help. It means a lot , I appreciate your time and helpful thoughts and advice.

Honestly OP, I'd walk if I was you.
She has told you she loves some one else, she cried with happiness when they got together.
It's a kick in the gut, but I would hold my head up & tell her its over.
Keep your training up, eventually you will meet someone supportive, not someone who goes off with another fella.

ManOfMystery

As above OP, it's over and it's time to move on. I take it you are in separate rooms?

Surprised at some of the responses here saying she probably felt neglected. Everyone in every walk of life goes through periods where the a lot of their time is consumed by something - it may be overtime for some people, for athletes it may be training, for musicians it may be travelling to gigs far away, and so on. If you're doing something you're passionate about or which is a necessity to provide for your family, a partner should be there to support and encourage you in these times. That's with the realistic assumption that it's going to be in the region of months and not something that will drag on for years and years and years. People can manage long distance relationships without cheating so for your partner to do so just because you were doing some intense training for less than 6 months - well, that's just a cop-out.

Confucius say

She's gone for sure. Don't beat yourself up too much you sound like a nice bloke. If I were you I'd get moving on seperation like yesterday because she's moved on already and you need to do same. So one of you needs to move out and if I were you that would be that for me, zero communication and give yourself all the time you need to get your head together. She'll be busy with this new guy for a while but who knows how long that will last. You don't need to know anymore about her business anyway. So get cracking on getting on with your life without her!

MartyMcFly84

Just an update for you guys.

We had a bit of a back and forth week last week. Days we are extremely close an she told me she was not sure what she wanted to do, almost intimate. Then there were a couple days she spent with the other guy.

I resolved myself and we agreed to have some time away from each other over the weekend so she can think while not being with him or me and decide what she wants and we can go from there, as after the weekend I will make her choice easier and remove myself from the situation.

Last night we had a heart to heart but it was concluded the relationship has seems to have run its course. She was not sure why this time she felt we could not bounce back when looking back we had survived worse. I personally think it was a bit of a "perfect storm" and a few factors lined up at the same time. She thinks things have gone too far for her internally to go back to the way things were with us.

She said she will slow things down with the new guy also though, as she has had time to think and jumping into a relationship with him just make up for what we were missing would not make sense. I was glad to hear she was thinking more rationally about things. We just now have to figure out practicalities of what we will do with the apartment and who will move out or will we both etc. I think it might be easier if I go. If I stay I will always be reminded of her. As she was the one who resolved herself to end the relationship it would be easier for her to stay there. But either way we have agreed to do this as amicably as possible as being nasty to each other will not help anything.

Its very sad to end a 7 year relationship, but I would prefer to end things this way and it means we don't have to find new places tomorrow, we have a two bedroom apartment so it gives me a little breathing space to see what is out there while I get started in my new job.

Hopefully I will learn from this.

helimachoptor

sorry to hear marty but probably the right decision for you both

wont be an easy few months but it things will get better

jigglypuffstuff

OP just a quick word of advice

A person who would do such a thing behind your back is no person you want in your life, Period

Learn from this, it will be her loss, simply because she lost someone who would not stoop to a level she currently resides at (a cheating level)

Every time a thought comes to your head, think about having a person in your life and not knowing what they are capable of doing. An old saying I often use...you know a murderer will kill you, a thief will rob you..but you never know what a liar will do to you

Head up, moving forward, channel this energy into your training and you'll emerge a better person

The very best of luck!

LegacyUser

You say you have a two bedroom apartment and it means you don't have to move out asap and it will allow breathing space...op that kind of living situation will not work.
You need to make removing her from your life a priority at this point. It will be very easy to slip into old routines if you are in the room beside her

Ursus Horribilis

Got to agree ever so much with the person above me. You need to find somewhere else to live asap. Not just for the old routine warning that was mentioned there but for the opposite reason. What if she changes her mind and brings work guy home? Or some other bloke. Or she gets fed up of you lingering under her roof like a bad smell. Really, you should be aiming to leave there before the current arrangement turns sour.

ManOfMystery

I'm glad the situation has come to some sort of conclusion for you OP, one way or another - so you're no longer hanging in limbo.

I will say though, you're a better man than I am - you're being very calm and understanding about the whole thing. If a partner cheated on me in such a way (and it IS cheating, no matter how she dresses it up or blames it on your training, etc), and then continued seeing the guy whilst trying to make her mind up as to whether she wanted to be with me or not, I'd probably have kicked her out- especially after 7yrs together . I'm not saying your approach is any less right or wrong, but I do think that it would be good for your confidence to be more assertive here and show her that you have some respect for yourself too - you don't have to put up with this crap.

In any event, best of luck with sorting out your living arrangements and moving on.

dissed doc

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

Just an update for you guys.

We had a bit of a back and forth week last week. Days we are extremely close an she told me she was not sure what she wanted to do, almost intimate. Then there were a couple days she spent with the other guy.

I resolved myself and we agreed to have some time away from each other over the weekend so she can think while not being with him or me and decide what she wants and we can go from there, as after the weekend I will make her choice easier and remove myself from the situation.

Last night we had a heart to heart but it was concluded the relationship has seems to have run its course. She was not sure why this time she felt we could not bounce back when looking back we had survived worse. I personally think it was a bit of a "perfect storm" and a few factors lined up at the same time. She thinks things have gone too far for her internally to go back to the way things were with us.

She said she will slow things down with the new guy also though, as she has had time to think and jumping into a relationship with him just make up for what we were missing would not make sense. I was glad to hear she was thinking more rationally about things. We just now have to figure out practicalities of what we will do with the apartment and who will move out or will we both etc. I think it might be easier if I go. If I stay I will always be reminded of her. As she was the one who resolved herself to end the relationship it would be easier for her to stay there. But either way we have agreed to do this as amicably as possible as being nasty to each other will not help anything.

Its very sad to end a 7 year relationship, but I would prefer to end things this way and it means we don't have to find new places tomorrow, we have a two bedroom apartment so it gives me a little breathing space to see what is out there while I get started in my new job.

Hopefully I will learn from this.

If it suits you, then you should go.

Otherwise tell her to go and be with her new man.

And get a barring order for when it inevitably doesn't work and she flips out at you and everyone else male who doesn't give her what she demands.

If she is about to break her fweminist programming ahe could lose it. I wouldn't stay in the same apartment. End the lease, fresh start and leave her to her ****ty life.

The new guy has thi gs she wants. But she has still more actual history with you. She will want the company until she has built up enough attachment with the new guy, and in that process which will take weeks or months your life will become steadily worse.

Less emotional contact from her has lead you to become physically healthier. Perhaps this breakup is actually in your best interests. She could drag you back to the past if you let her.

Make a clean break, she doesn't care and wants the new guy - last week, next week or next month that will not change. You should do what suits you, not her. She already doesn't care that much about you. The reason you are posting here is because this entitled woman is emotionally abusing you.

You trust her to not be nasty now? And you trusted her on a night out with that guy? She is untrustworthy when in a 7 year relationship. Why would she give a damn now about keeping her word?

5rtytry56

^^ Last 3 paragraphs are the operative for you now OP