VERY concerned sibling please help..

LegacyUser

Hey Boards, regular user going un-reg for this issue....

To set the scene – my brother is in his early to mid 20’s, has no real meaningful qualifications but to his credit has worked since he left school, never been unemployed, has his own car etc. I suppose in the last 1-2 years it has become apparent to the family that he is a bit of a recluse (maybe for want of a better word).. he had friends in his final years in school but for whatever reason they drifted apart.. and for my brother his life for the past few years has amounted to getting up in the morning, going to work, coming home, eating his dinner which is handed to him and then sitting in his room on the laptop for the evening/night. Sad to watch, also added to this he has gained a considerable amount of weight.

He has always been quite naive (again hope im using the proper words) and maybe has been used and walked over by people a lot in his life, and took his share of bullying at school etc. We have always tried to get him to go out and maybe try to get back in contact with his old friends (who are all local and nice lads) but were always met with rage and anger when these suggestions were made. Basically, you say anything he does not like or that maybe touches a nerve and you will get a fcuking. I guess the picture im trying to paint and the one I hope you guys get if is of a man who for whatever reasons, is mentally fragile and socially redundant. And it has been difficult to watch.

6 months ago, came a big change. He met a girl online (she is 5-6 years older than him). He went from never leaving his room to never being at home. Spent every day with her and whenever he wasnt with her they were constantly on the phone. It was clearly intense and a little unnerving to watch the intensity levels of the relationship that early on, but of course there was no telling him, he had finally found ‘’something’’ in his life I suppose. It was like the relationship of two 14 year olds, thats the best way I can describe it.

This girl has also been making a fool of him at times we can see, she has rang him on occasions to come pick her up from work as there are people outside stalking her etc and of course off he goes and there is nobody there. On Xmas Day, late in the night she rings in an absolute panic saying she needs him to come to her house and pick her up (a good 2 hours drive away).. of course he jumps in the car and speeds off down the road, arrives and there is absolutely nothing wrong, she tricked him. We also suspect she has been trying to drive a wedge between him and his family as he has become very distant towards us and our sister in particular and it all began after my sister met the girlfriend for the first time and the girlfriend decided she didnt like her. Since then he has become distant to the family, resulting in him moving out and getting his own place with the girlfriend, after only 4 months of being together...

He visited yesterday to break some news, she is pregnant and they are having a baby. We are shocked. Never thought he could be so stupid. But strangely he seems content with it but he doesn’t realise the stresses and commitment of having a baby. This is only 6 months into a relationship with someone who appears to be a bit of a psycho?? It is so difficult to speak to him as he will fcuk the head of you instantly if you say something he disagrees with. This is two people with mental problems who are in the La La Land of their first few months in love and think that a baby is now a good idea. We are very concerned for him as he isn’t even able to boil a spud or make a sandwich, never washed a piece of clothing in his life etc, always had everything handed to him and now expects to look after a child, basically he is extremely deluded. Add to it that they are both working low-paying jobs with no hopes of promotion etc.

Boards I am lost, what as a family can we do here, we know this is going to end in tears but how do we tell him? What advice can we give? Are there any steps we can take?
Thank you so much for reading and for any replies x

deseil

I really dont think you can do much. He is a grown man and will make his own decisions, all you can do is try and support him if it all goes t*ts up but until that time you really just have to let them get on with it, he may even suprise you when the baby arrives and be a great dad.

It sounds like he was very depressed and now has something to look forward to, so anyone suggesting his old life was better will, I suspect be met with a hostile reaction.

intheclouds

While I understand you are concerned, I think you need to let him live his own life.

You are extremely judgemental of him and his relationship. I think it is unfair of you to assume his girlfriend is "tricking" him. You are not in the relationship, so you do not know what is going on between them. Why assume she is "tricking" him? Why not just accept that she wants to see him and he is responsive to her? Perhaps by the time he collected her the people she was nervous about had gone?

None of your business re the pregnancy tbh. Perhaps he will learn to make a sandwich and be a good father. And as for the low paying jobs - its not only the rich who have children.

You are claiming that both of them have mental problems, have they been diagnosed or is this just your opinion? Sometimes people are just a bit eccentric or odd but do not have mental health issues.

I would strongly advise that you simply offer him your support, perhaps teach him how to boil a spud or make a sandwich if these are things that worry. Rather than judging him, help him.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

While I understand you are concerned, I think you need to let him live his own life.

You are extremely judgemental of him and his relationship. I think it is unfair of you to assume his girlfriend is "tricking" him. You are not in the relationship, so you do not know what is going on between them. Why assume she is "tricking" him? Why not just accept that she wants to see him and he is responsive to her? Perhaps by the time he collected her the people she was nervous about had gone?

None of your business re the pregnancy tbh. Perhaps he will learn to make a sandwich and be a good father. And as for the low paying jobs - its not only the rich who have children.

You are claiming that both of them have mental problems, have they been diagnosed or is this just your opinion? Sometimes people are just a bit eccentric or odd but do not have mental health issues.

I would strongly advise that you simply offer him your support, perhaps teach him how to boil a spud or make a sandwich if these are things that worry. Rather than judging him, help him.

OP here.

Thanks guys for replies

Of course it is just assuming but when there are many people putting two and two together and coming up with the same answer then you start to believe it cant be wrong or far off the mark!

Maybe it is not any of our business but we know his mental state and we know his capabilities (or lack of) and that deeply concerns us. If this doesn't work out for him then he will be in a very very dark place. Im sorry I appear to be judgemental but my god this is crazy and disturbing when its happening in your own family.

Also, it is of my opinion that there are mental problems, no diagnosis but it is quite clear he was/is depressed. He has also gone through periods of weeks/months without washing himself etc over the past few years, im sorry there is no diagnosis but his behaviour is enough to suggest mental difficulties to me. Almost the most concerning thing is the inability to take advice or constructive criticism, if you tried to show him how to make a meal for himself you would be sorry you offered after the servicing you would get, thats whats making this difficult.

I guess there is nothing we can do?

looksee

Yes OP, she probably is tricking and taking advantage. (The 'pregnancy' just may be part of this) Yes he may well be depressed or have other psychological issues. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it other than be there for him and help pick up the pieces afterwards. Maybe it will work, I suspect the chances are it will not, either way you cannot do anything about it at the moment. Its not easy to be a caring on-looker, good luck.

intheclouds

WorriedSibling wrote: »

Almost the most concerning thing is the inability to take advice or constructive criticism, if you tried to show him how to make a meal for himself you would be sorry you offered after the servicing you would get, thats whats making this difficult.

Just on this, has this never come up before as something that needed to be dealt with, prior to your brother reaching the age of majority (when theres not much can be done about it).

It almost sounds as though you and your family have been enabling bad behaviour (would you accept that behaviour from anyone else?).

And about being depressed, was this never addressed before either?

I ask because perhaps you, as a family, could mount an intervention and convince him that he needs medical attention as his behaviour is not normal?

What exactly is it that you are worried about in terms of him being with this girl? His inability to mind a child? Or that he is being tricked and wont be able to handle the fall out?

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

Just on this, has this never come up before as something that needed to be dealt with, prior to your brother reaching the age of majority (when theres not much can be done about it).

It almost sounds as though you and your family have been enabling bad behaviour (would you accept that behaviour from anyone else?).

And about being depressed, was this never addressed before either?

I ask because perhaps you, as a family, could mount an intervention and convince him that he needs medical attention as his behaviour is not normal?

What exactly is it that you are worried about in terms of him being with this girl? His inability to mind a child? Or that he is being tricked and wont be able to handle the fall out?

OP here.

Our family had a tough time with a mother that was totally narcisstic.. it didn't help any of us and particularly impacted poorly on my brother I would suspect. She is gone now though, we are free of that, but I suppose we thought behaviors like lashing out etc was normal for years until we grew up.

We are worried that the whole thing will take its toll on him and maybe lead to him eventually doing something stupid. He missed out on any contact with girls etc in his teens and this is his first relationship and I think it may be clouding his perception of things (the difficulty in raising a child being one). There is a going to come a time where reality hits home and I guess we are worried that he will not be able to handle it. In my opinion yhis relationship has gone through a 4-5 year process in 5 months

LegacyUser

Difficult as it may be, you are going to have to let hum make his own mistakes. I'm not surprised that he gets defensive when anyone offers him help. From your post I get the impression that he has been mollycoddled by you all, or that you've always assumed he wouldn't be able to cope in the adult world. But the facts as you have told us is, he has a job. Has never been out of work since leaving school (that's a bigger achievement than many with degrees and PhDs!). He has his own car that he maintains and affords. He now has a gf and is living with her for the past 4 months. How is he managing to eat all these months?

You weren't happy with his choices after school. College isn't for everybody, and he seems to be doing ok. Not everybody is cut out for, or interested in promotions and managerial positions. You suggested going out and meeting his old friends. He made a new friend/gf and you're not happy about that either. He was living at home completely dependent on his family, and this worried you. He moved out and became more independent, you're not happy about that either.

I wouldn't blame him for getting defensive. I know you mean well, and you are genuinely worried for him, but I'm sure he picks up on your disapproval and takes any offers of help as interference and "we know best" attitude. The fact is, he is an adult. We all make mistakes in our adult life. Not one person will sail through their life without making one or two fairly catastrophic mess ups!! You need to back off. You cant micromanage his life. You are not entitled to have a say or input into every choice he makes. He obviously doesn't deal well with 'help' (he sees it as criticism) so also you can do is keep an eye on him, from a distance, and be there as a support if he ever looks for it.

The way you have been handling him up to this hasn't been working, so now you need a different approach. Keep an eye on him. Offer help/babysitting etc if he ever needs it but don't offer specific advice or opinion on anything he's doing. He's an adult. A young adult. He knows it all anyway

beks101

Agree entirely with the above post.

You come across as quite judgemental and a bit condescending about his life tbh OP. I'd imagine this lad has been patronized to death by his family and is enjoying striking out by his own, finding a girlfriend and planning a life together.

Yes, four months is quick, but sometimes that's just the way it goes. I've heard of quicker. Perhaps he loves the woman. Perhaps he wants a family and is looking forward to this new, more independent phase of his life. Just because he never went to college and hasn't been the most sociable individual and was a bit babied while living at home for his life to date, with what may well have been depression over the years, doesn't make him any less capable of being a father and finding his own happiness.

People come in all shapes and forms. As mentioned above, not everyone in life is destined for a high flying career and busy social life. I think it's time you take a step back, accept your brother's personality for what it is without undermining it constantly and try to accept him for who he is. Including his life decisions and this new woman and baby on the way. Sounds like he's well able to take care of himself and you stand to fracture if not entirely ruin your relationship with him if you don't let him live his life the way he chooses.

intheclouds

I actually missed the part where he had moved out.

Presumably he has learned to boil a spud since!

He is with her 6 months and lives with her. You might not approve of his life choices but they are his choices. You can't live someone's life for them.

Actually on a more detailed reread I think he sounds like he is doing fine!

gercoral

Hi OP,
I think a lot of the posters here are being a little harsh on you.

I understand where you are coming from to an extent. I too have a brother who has mild learning difficulties. He is friends with an older man who is and has been a bad influence on him and takes advantage.

However, I think it is something he will have to see and learn for himself. I know it may be hard for you to see, but chances are, he will eventually learn. Do you think he wouldn't have the capabilities to mind a baby? I know my brother wouldn't..but I sense his mentality would be the barrier there.

WorriedSib

WorriedSib wrote: »

we know his mental state and we know his capabilities

Are you sure about this? In six months he has gone from a reclusive shut-in, living online and piling on the weight to a committed relationship with someone he loves and who is "strangely" content at the prospect of fatherhood.

It took you by surprise, didn't it? But if it was with a woman you liked would you be OK with it? Or is it the entire situation you're unhappy with?

While she does come across as high maintenance, your brother is content, he is happy. It's not surprising that he's happy with a (seemingly) demanding and dominant woman given his own upbringing, don't you think?

Anything you do to try to disrupt them will absolutely drive a wedge between them and your family. He came to you with, what he believed to be, good news and while you were understandably shocked, did you leave it at that? Or did you make it apparent that you disapproved?

You say she has "decided" to dislike your sister but you have no idea of the impression he's been giving her about your family and his life before her and your view of your family may be completely different from his, I'm sorry to say.

Either way, like it or not, this is the life your brother has chosen and I think you should start trying to see the positives in it as opposed to focusing on the negatives. So let him be, be a good sibling and be there for him.

There's no guarantee their relationship will succeed or fail, which is the case even in the most ideal circumstances. But you CAN maintain your relationship with your brother, focus on that.

zoobizoo

She sounds like bad news OP and now that she is pregnant, he is unfortunately tied to her which may well have been her plan all along.

You're going to have to leave him to it though - despite wanting to help him out. Hard to do when it's a younger sibling. If or when he realises his mistake he will come back. Just be there for him.

As for the gf taking a dislike to your sister, it's classic disturbed/paranoia behaviour.

I've seen it happen where guy (lonely and inexperienced) falls for slight nut job but is so head over heals he can't see that she's unstable. Then pregnancy and a lot of unhappiness. Family can't do anything other than stand by and watch.

intheclouds

zoobizoo wrote: »

As for the gf taking a dislike to your sister, it's classic disturbed/paranoia behaviour.

But its not classic disturbed/paranoia behaviour that the OP has taken a dislike to the GF right? :rolleyes:

Seriously?

vetinari

Some serious optimists posting here!

Just to recap what you said

He met his first serious girlfriend
He moved in with her after 4 months
She's pregnant after 6 months.
She's making up concerning stuff (stalking, seeing threats)

If a friend / sibling of mine was going through the same situation, I'd be worried.
I feel people here are patronizing your brother as it is his first serious relationship.
They wouldn't be giving the same advice to a good friend of theirs who is more socially competent.

Unfortunately all you can do OP is wait and see what happens.
If you think he is genuinely happy, that's all that matters.

PinkLemonade

The most beneficial way for you to approach this OP is just to be supportive of your brother, the fact that you don't like or trust his other half makes it so much more important that your there for him. You need for him to trust you, so don't let your judgement show. Get excited about your new niece /nephew, there's a good chance he'll be overwhelmed when the day comes and he and the baby could do with your support.
The worst thing you can do is interfere with their relationship, you'll just drive him closer to you and close down the communication channels, believe me - I've been there

LegacyUser

I have a good idea how you feel now. I was in a similar position with a freind of mine a while ago. He was going out with this woman a short period of time and next thing he told me she was pregnant.

He knew what I was going to say to him but he though this baby news was the best thing ever. My freind decided that he no longer need me in his life. I heard from someone we both know what was happening in his life for a few months.
Eventually he got back in contact with me. Him and his girlfreind had split up by then. She had moved back to where she was from. When the baby was born they had a dna test done and the baby is his.

Looking back I did not handle things as well as I could have. I should have acted happier to hear this news and offered him more support. Do not say this woman is lying or that he is an idiot other wise he will be gone out of your lives. Offer him support and read up on getting a dna test done if you feel that she is trying to pass another man's child off as his.
If things go wrong he needs to be able to come to you and perhaps in some ways he might supprise you. I know some men when they became dad's suddenly grew up.

Flippyfloppy

Get It Together Lads wrote: »

Why do I get the feeling the baby isn't even his?

Who knows, you don't know them!

MaroonAndGreen

intheclouds wrote:

But its not classic disturbed/paranoia behaviour that the OP has taken a dislike to the GF right?

The OP never mentioned a dislike just pointed out some strange behaviours TBF and it seems valid enough to have some concern about her

irishgirl19

Please do not interfere or offer advice on the pregnancy!
My SIL told my OH we should consider our options when I got pregnant (planned)
The outcome is I don't have anything to do with her now and she doesn't see her niece much at all

Midnight Sundance

I can understand your frustration and guess how upset you are feeling right now. Unfortunately as others have said, he's a grown man who is capable of making mistakes. I think you're going to have to let him learn himself and be there to pick up the pieces if the relationship falls apart.
There's also a chance it stays together. You don't want to lose out on being part of your niece or nephews growing up. I would suggest letting him know your there, he'll open up to your help in time.
If you push , he'll resist!! Let him come to you.

cloudatlas

He may get the sense that you all look down on and disapprove of his life choices and think that he isn't capable and this may add to his lack of self esteem. Your sister may have communicated this disapproval to the partner but of course judging someone after one meeting is immature. I do think that the pregnancy after just four months is a tactic to keep him with her but that ship has sailed. The last thing you want to do is alienate them to the point where you aren't invited round to visit your niece or nephew, this is the new reality and you have to deal with it the best you can and pretend to be supportive.

LegacyUser

Pregnancy can happen out of a one night stand, so assuming this girl has somehow tricked ot trapped him is a bit unfair. She may or may not have planned it. You can't possibly know. It takes two, and I'm guessing he was a willing participant. Would you feel better if he walked away from her and let her raise his child alone? You can't change the fact that she is pregnant, and you certainly should not be commenting one way or another on it now.. What good will that do? It won't make her not pregnant.

Worrying about someone else and what they might or might not do is a natural reaction, but ultimately pointless. What good is worrying actually doing for you? How is that affecting or influencing the current situation? It's not. So stop worrying and start dealing with it. Be happy for him. He's happy. Any other reaction from anyone else will just alienate him further. Why would he want to spend time around people who are not happy for him, and who think he cant possibly ever be a functioning adult?

I know people of all intellectual abilities who make all sorts of parents. I know high achievers who are fantastic parents, and I know people who, in these parts might be described as "a bit soft" who also make great parents, because they love their children just as much as the people with good jobs love theirs.

Worry if you want, but realise that it's not going to help or change anything. Change the way you think about your brother. He's now an adult living an adult life with a baby on the way. Support him and be happy for him. And be there, without judging or saying "we told you" in the future should he need it.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Things have taken a turn for the worse. He rang this evening in distress, the realisation of the situation has finally hit home, him and the girlfriend are constantly arguing and he has realised he is not ready to care for a child, for exactly the reasons I posted in the OP (which I got absolutely slated for pointing out I might add)

Dad had to drive up there to talk with him. Very concerned for him at the minute and we just hope he doesn't do anything stupid. He is saying that he feels hes ruined his GF's life by getting her pregnant, like where has he got that idea from?!?! Trying to explain that there is two people in this not just him but he seems to be blaming himself.

We are going to try and get him to maybe go to a counsellor or something similar. Was hoping it would not turn out this way but it had all the signs of it, rushing into a first relationship too fast, moving in together after 3 months and then a baby a month later.

All we can do is be there for him now I guess as this seemingly is all about to come crashing down???

intheclouds

So in the OP you stated that because he didn't know how to make a sandwich, boil a spud or wash clothes that he wouldn't be able to take care of a child.

Is this still his position? And this is what he is upset about?

You can offer him plenty of support here, teach him basic skills.

It's not suprising he is having a bit of a panic. Be sure to point out to him that he doesn't have to stay in the relationship, but he must still be there for the child.

I still believe that if he has been able to live independently he is capable of caring for a child. I mean that in the literal sense. He can do it. Support him.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

So in the OP you stated that because he didn't know how to make a sandwich, boil a spud or wash clothes that he wouldn't be able to take care of a child.

Is this still his position? And this is what he is upset about?

You can offer him plenty of support here, teach him basic skills.

It's not suprising he is having a bit of a panic. Be sure to point out to him that he doesn't have to stay in the relationship, but he must still be there for the child.

I still believe that if he has been able to live independently he is capable of caring for a child. I mean that in the literal sense. He can do it. Support him.

OP here.

It's been tried to teach him stuff but as its obviously a touchy subject it was always met with anger and a refusal to engage.. now he is citing reasons such as not being able to make food etc as him not being able to look after a child. GF has helped him in this regard it must be said and he is certaintly better at it now.

He is most upset about this notion that he has ruined his GF's life?!?! He even called it a ''delusion'' himself. Its his mental health we are most worried about as he is talking and saying stuff to her like ''maybe you would be better off without me''. When my father went to talk about it they both said that this is the primary reason of their arguing: that he is constantly blaming himself for this situation etc.

It looks like there are deeper issues at play here and we have urged him to get help about it and we hope he does.

irishgirl19

You need to support him as best you can. Maybe counseling would help build his self confidence.
As above teaching him basic skills like cooking etc would be a great help.
I know you might have a negative view of this girl but look at it from her side:
Her boyfriends dad came to pick him up because he is not ready for a baby? The baby is already on the way.
She must be feeling hurt too.
They will both need to step up to their responsibilities

intheclouds

Also I'd be focusing on how a baby is a joyful thing and will only enrich life etc...

I do feel sorry for the girl also, what involvement has her family got? Does she have support?

CapedCrusader

I was not that socially competent when I was younger. I remember my first girlfriend and everyone having an opinion about it. There is nothing quite so irritating as that. You can't live others' lives for them nor protect them from the lessons that can only be learned one way.

Totally agree with other posters on the pregnancy - you can only do harm through unwanted interference. Even if it's not his, or there are questions regarding paternity, all the more reason to stay out of it.