Not official but still hurts???

pollyfarmgal

Hi everyone, would really appreciate some advice

Myself and this boy have been texting for about 6 month and going out for about 4 but nothing was official. There was a mutual understNding that we were exclusive (ie: that we wouldn't get with anyone else)

Anyway, he texted me last week saying that he had gotten with a girl in a night club (a girl which we both know) and it really did upset me.

He has apologised but I'm still quite upset.. Do I have a right to be upset if things weren't official? Should I forgive and forget?? What should I do????

CaraMay

Ah no. Let him off. You don't need that crap even before your relationship kicks off. Why are you not an item after so long? I suspect so he can pull crap like this and you can't give out...

pollyfarmgal

CaraMay wrote: »

Ah no. Let him off. You don't need that crap even before your relationship kicks off. Why are you not an item after so long? I suspect so he can pull crap like this and you can't give out...

Thanks so much for your reply
I feel like I've invested so much time into getting to know the real him and I genuinely thought things were going somewhere .. I'm not naive I know it's been a long time but we are both still young (19).. It's a hard decision to make because I enjoy his company, I enjoy being with him but now all I can see if her face when I think of him??
Am I being a drama queen or do I need to just move on? Very confused

athtrasna

You're human, betrayal hurts. But if you really wanted a proper relationship then perhaps you should have made it official, set boundaries etc.

Onwards and upwards op. Time heals.

Turtle_

After 4 months of going out exclusively you're "not official"?

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds awful. He shouldn't treat you like that. I'm not really clear on what the difference between exclusive and official are btw?

It just all reads a bit like he's not that into you. He likes you enough to be with you, but not enough to be "official" or exclusive with you.

Personally I'd always draw the line at cheating. People who love you won't cheat on you. Obviously you'll have your own views, but I'd be realistic about whether your hopes and expectations are similar to what he's shown his to be.

Ursus Horribilis

If I was you I'd cut my losses and move on. Even if you weren't an official item (what is the difference between exclusive and official anyway?), you've got to wonder how much he thinks of you if he was happy to get with another woman. If he was that into you, he'd not have looked at her twice.

CaraMay

You are 19... Don't start your life of relationships by taking crap like this. Wish him luck and move on. The more messers you entertain when you are young the more normalized it gets. You sound like a nice girl. Keep you standards high and don't waste time on guys who treat you like crap (even if they claim to be sorry)

MistyCheese

Yes, I think the above advice is excellent. Set your standards now and set them higher than a guy who a) still isn't 'official' after four months and b) thinks it's okay to get off with another girl.

Whether or not he's 'technically' 'allowed' because you're not 'exclusive' so it's not 'cheating' you are entitled to have a partner who doesn't even want to sleep with someone else, who wants to be your boyfriend. It's down to you, you can accept this cråp from men or you can set the bar higher and say "no, I deserve more."

acon2119

Your getting a lot of excellent advice from previous posters. I would say the same, your worth more than the way this fella is treating you, if he saw this as a lasting relationship it wouldnt even enter his head to cheat. If you dont set your standards high no one else will do it for you. There's plenty of great fellas out there, move on from this one.

Neon_Lights

Unless you want to visit swingers clubs and dogging sessions frequently I'd go as far away from that man as possible, he wants the best of both worlds it would appear

LegacyUser

pollyfarmgal wrote: »

I feel like I've invested so much time into getting to know the real him

And that investment has paid off because now you do know the real him and you can let him go.
The whole "official" thing is a red herring and immature nonsense, if you're with someone for four months you know well there's a presumption of exclusivity and pretending that presumption wasn't there is an attempt at a get-out clause. That and he's just stringing you along. I'd encourage you to expect better for yourself and not accept such poor treatment. Plenty of people would stay in the relationship and justify it because of that investment, but in my experience, they end up regretting it when their partner does it again after things have been complicated by marriage, property, kids etc. Personally I think that when someone tells you what they're like and who they are, make sure you're listening.

Ursus Horribilis

Neon_Lights wrote: »

Unless you want to visit swingers clubs and dogging sessions frequently I'd go as far away from that man as possible, he wants the best of both worlds it would appear

Seriously??? This is a "single" young man in his late teens/early twenties we're talking about here.

OP I'm sure I'm not the only person who wishes boards had been around when I was your age. CaraMay's advice about not tolerating this kind of cräp is spot on and I wish I'd not had to learn this the hard way The bottom line here is that this lad wasn't into you and it's for the best that you've found this out only 4 months on. You're still very young and you've got plenty of time to find someone else who'll be happy to call you his girlfriend and can be trusted if he goes out with his friends.