Young and single

LegacyUser

I'm still double questioning myself if I should put myself out there and admit it but here it goes..I'm 19 but I dont feel it, I never have and people never believe me when I say it. I dont act it or look it and to be honest I have no interest in lads my age at all- I think their immature and dont have what Im looking for.

My problem is though, is that I just cannot seem to get into a relationship. I'm not the worst looking in the world like I do have some assets (big boobs,nice smile etc) and I do have a big stomach and legs but doesnt so many out there? I hide the bad assets well I like to think and I always pull on a night out but thats just how it goes- we get talking and have great craic together, shift and dance, swap numbers and then thats it. I have gotten to the point where I know that when I go out and meet someone on a night out he's either in a relationship (which I always find out about after I'd like to point out-im not like that!) or he just doesnt text me the next day. If I text him I dont let myself come across as clingy/desperate/needy just a simple nice text but it soon filters out..

I'm starting to drive myself crazy now because Im looking around and all I see is people in relationships and I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me?! Sorry if this sounds blabbery or desperate but I need someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong!

Thanks

LegacyUser

Hi there, you are very young I’d say enjoy being single and focus on yourself before you can be with someone is my advice speaking from experience. Try not to get too caught up with it.

It could be that you haven’t met the right person? I suppose at your age I probably did a few things to widen the net to meet people such as joining clubs/societies at college and extra-curricular activities outside of college/work. Going out meeting lads in pubs and nightclubs might be all that though better meeting lads face to face than just focusing on other means. Is there a group of friends you could hang out with that have lads in the group or know of friends who could set you up on a date?

I advise against dating apps and online dating sites but they do help to widen the net a bit more meeting people. Might be something to consider but maybe not have any expectations and be specific in what you are looking for will probably weed out the ones you not into and improve the chances of meeting someone you like.

I’m in my early 30’s and I’ve I noticed when at your age that the pool of people of that age and early 20’s is a bit wider than say those in late 20’s early 30’s who are going out a lot of them on the dating apps, or as you say already in relationships, and my generation would have left Ireland so feel there is a lack of meeting people when going out in my age group they either too young or too old or they chat up my friends rather than me! If you like a lad no harm chatting to him but maybe there is a reason it doesn’t lead to anything more than a kiss/text. If a lad is interested he make contact if not move on.

If you really like a guy make your interest known but I agree with not being clingy and let the guy lead in the hope he text back but sometimes if you want to make something happen you need to make it happen if you feel you could with someone. Some guys follow up others don’t make the effort. He might prefer you to do the chasing? Even if it’s just say if they like to go for a coffee and a chat or cinema. Something simple even if ye just met up as friends maybe to close the deal and not just stop after he texts if he doesn’t reply after a few days to a week you know to move on. Depends on his texting style. It is a way of sussing out how interested he is. You know yourself when you meet someone you click and like to get to know them more and get a good feeling. Then you know then if you like to see them again?

I was in a similar situation a few years ago when going to college and more or less felt I rather chat to lads than go any further but somehow ended up in the same situation as you are now, it was like that for me a good few years.

I suppose I was incline to chase after lads when I first started college and then just stopped and let guys do the chasing. So I began to get to know them first rather than copping off with all the time wasn’t just about innocent stuff like kissing and dancing but even when doing that I very much just did what you did throughout college I meet them, danced and kissed with them maybe exchanged numbers but I didn’t always give it out to them.

Often or not anything I had with anyone very rarely did it lead to anything more.
Only two lads I met in my lifetime lead to dates being more than one date and kissed a good few lads the rest of the lads I met nothing came of anything. I had dates that just ended up being platonic either that ended it straight away or didn’t like that I just wanted to be friends or they didn’t want to be more.

Maybe I wasn’t feeling it or they weren’t or they were interested in someone else I wasn’t all that interested and they got rejected. If a guy I like shows an interest I follow suit. If he doesn’t or only half shows an interested I’d doubt his interest some guys can be hot and cold with their feelings. You know when a guy really likes you and when you really like him not to let it go. If there isn’t anything there or one sided it’s not a loss!

Maybe I felt I rather just have fun instead but nothing came of anything with a lot of the lads I met in my time so came to realise I enjoyed being single and enjoyed my own company took me a long time to realise that I need to be happy before being in any kind of relationship with a lad whether casual or serious!

I admit I haven’t had a serious boyfriend ever but have learnt to adapt and enjoying my time being single before settling. It’s when people start asking about the love life, have you a boyfriend, are you seeing anyone, oh you be the next one to get married. Why people assume people want these things is beyond me sometimes being happy being who you are and happy to live independently before settling is a big thing, it’s a bonus if you have a partner makes life more special being with someone special. I know its clichéd but you meet someone when you aren’t looking! It happened to me.

There is nothing wrong with you either you probably need to widen the net more meeting people and let a guy know you like him when you do. It takes time to get to know someone and feel comfortable but sometimes you can just click with someone straight away.

I fancied this guy for years and realised it wasn’t going to go anywhere and stopped fancying him. I met someone else albeit a fling though we were boyfriend and girlfriend at the time it wasn’t really that serious I suppose I never been in love and not very experienced having relationships with lads before that. I think maybe afraid of commitment or getting hurt maybe came into it but when seeing him I did fancy him but not enough to get serious with him. Any time I went out I felt I wanted to be single again. It ended pretty quickly. We wanted different things.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship maybe it is still the case for me. Could be just that I am set in my ways, independent and not need a lad to make me happy or be dependent on one. People say I need to change that but I like to stand on my own two feet I suppose and guys might pick up on that. Stayed very much single ever since until I met someone that I am casually seeing but a little bit more serious but not necessarily boyfriend and girlfriend. I am content to be like that other people might not be.

I rather get to know someone, not just have chemistry and a physical connection with them but also have a connection with them on other levels. Having chemistry isn’t enough for me I need something go on to go further with a lad. Maybe it is the case for you?

Having a mutual interest and liking of each other is important when its one sided or half-hearted you’re not really pleasing yourself or happy you are trying to please the other person and make them happy. Your happiness comes before anyone else! You need to love yourself and be yourself before you can with anyone else. Though being comfortable and confident with lads does help and being friends with them first can help too. You never know what might happen?

Hope my advice is of some use!
Best of luck!

jigglypuffstuff

sickofsingleness wrote: »

I'm still double questioning myself if I should put myself out there and admit it but here it goes..I'm 19 but I dont feel it, I never have and people never believe me when I say it. I dont act it or look it and to be honest I have no interest in lads my age at all- I think their immature and dont have what Im looking for.

My problem is though, is that I just cannot seem to get into a relationship. I'm not the worst looking in the world like I do have some assets (big boobs,nice smile etc) and I do have a big stomach and legs but doesnt so many out there? I hide the bad assets well I like to think and I always pull on a night out but thats just how it goes- we get talking and have great craic together, shift and dance, swap numbers and then thats it. I have gotten to the point where I know that when I go out and meet someone on a night out he's either in a relationship (which I always find out about after I'd like to point out-im not like that!) or he just doesnt text me the next day. If I text him I dont let myself come across as clingy/desperate/needy just a simple nice text but it soon filters out..

I'm starting to drive myself crazy now because Im looking around and all I see is people in relationships and I can't help but wonder what is wrong with me?! Sorry if this sounds blabbery or desperate but I need someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong!

Thanks

Blunt honest advice from a man here, addressing the highlighted bold text

1: Consider every asset your best asset...instead of hiding your stomach/legs how about taking up a new gym regime and losing some weight if it bothers you?? you might no longer feel the need to hide this. Confidence is key and in my experience its better to change something you dont like..not hide it, plus guys like a girl who is confident

Also it'd be an alternative way to meet guys outside of a pub/club enviornment, which is in my opinion as immature as it gets.

2: Stop "shifting" guys you meet randomly, thats also an extremley immature thing to do imo.

I dated a Latvian girl for 6 months at 20 and tried kissing that girl the first night we met and got a smack into the face...I learned quickly that the entire method of how opposite sexes interact here is an immature context... I got to kiss her after 2 weeks and 3 dates, felt much more natural and better then

Many (not all) other nationalities look to the irish in disgust at how they meet each other (im not agreeing or disagreeing there) ...but its not something id personally condone...if you want to be treated as a mature woman then you must act in accordance with that

3. If you like someone then you text them, thinking of things like that as " omg i better not text them incase they get the feeling im clingy etc is also..yes ..you guessed it... immature. Life is short and if you never ask the answer will always be no....Make the effort and at least you'll know if its a yes/no instead of pondering " why dont they text ?"...like you are now

Finally... to close..theres absolutley nothing wrong with you. You are 19 and expected to feel all sorts of ways..particulary confused at that age.

I strongly suggest if you wish to meet more mature people..which is totally possible then take some note of what i've said. People in pubs under the influence of alcohol (or possibly more) will not always be the most mature...alternative things..activities, gatherings, social clubs gym, cinema, coffee etc would prove better outlets

best of luck OP ....hope this advice helps in some way

CaraMay

I agree with the last poster on everything especially point no 2. Just because others snog half the college doesn't mean it's the best thing to do.

Lux23

I don't agree with the other two posters. If you want to snog a bloke on a night out than do it, if you don't then don't do it. You're 19. You should be having fun with your friends and finding out who you are. I only had one serious relationship from age 18 to 30, I'm a a very stable relationship now and I look back at my 20s and I'm glad that I had all the fun I did in nightclubs and pubs. Random nights out, meeting totally unsuitable men. Getting into trouble (not serious trouble). So my advice is to relax and do the things that make you happy.

And don't listen to anyway who says such and such behaviour is immature, that's judgemental eulogising that in my opinion is pretty harmful to young people.

...__...

Don't go out looking for a relationship go out looking to have a good night.
When you meet the right person it will all fall into place forget rules and advice as either you will want something and the guy wont or the opposite all this plays on you when your out.
Just head out have a ball if you meet a guy who is worth having a relationship with make sure he has your number and wait for the text!!

Augme

pone2012 wrote: »

2: Stop "shifting" guys you meet randomly, thats also an extremley immature thing to do imo.

I dated a Latvian girl for 6 months at 20 and tried kissing that girl the first night we met and got a smack into the face...I learned quickly that the entire method of how opposite sexes interact here is an immature context... I got to kiss her after 2 weeks and 3 dates, felt much more natural and better then

Many (not all) other nationalities look to the irish in disgust at how they meet each other (im not agreeing or disagreeing there) ...but its not something id personally condone...if you want to be treated as a mature woman then you must act in accordance with that

How does a mature woman act though? For example I certainly wouldn't say smacking someone because they tried to kiss you at the end of the date is the behaviour of a mature woman, far from it in fact.

Everyone will have their own opinion on what is a mature woman so the best thing someone can do is figure out what behaviour suits them and not worry about other people.

jigglypuffstuff

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't agree with the other two posters. If you want to snog a bloke on a night out than do it, if you don't then don't do it. You're 19. You should be having fun with your friends and finding out who you are. I only had one serious relationship from age 18 to 30, I'm a a very stable relationship now and I look back at my 20s and I'm glad that I had all the fun I did in nightclubs and pubs. Random nights out, meeting totally unsuitable men. Getting into trouble (not serious trouble). So my advice is to relax and do the things that make you happy.

And don't listen to anyway who says such and such behaviour is immature, that's judgemental eulogising that in my opinion is pretty harmful to young people.

Consider the bolded text...the OP clearly stated that she was fed up of exactly that which you suggest...your post seems more about attempting to challenge what I offered as genuine advice....

Now the OP clearly stated she wished for change, I offered advice based on that, you on the other hand have basically told her to continue as is? Given she mentioned she was unhappy with this, how exactly does it help to say " ah continue on as normal, its grand"

Augme wrote: »

How does a mature woman act though? For example I certainly wouldn't say smacking someone because they tried to kiss you at the end of the date is the behaviour of a mature woman, far from it in fact.

Everyone will have their own opinion on what is a mature woman so the best thing someone can do is figure out what behaviour suits them and not worry about other people.

Although I shouldn't address this as you presumed we were on a date, the fact was we first met in a nightclub, I attempted that within 2 hours of meeting her..which was an complete shock to her as she'd never had that happen

At 20 it was an immature move on my part, and culturally unacceptable in her part of the world...ill again state culture and context are important, Ironically I was the joke of many Latvian guys and girls after that for a few weeks

To address how a mature woman would/should act? its debatable and actually in many senses contextual.

As I previously stated majority of the Non nationals here cringe at the sight of how people here meet and "hook up", I dont speak on it as im removed from the situation and dont drink or go to pubs/clubs ever...but i can safely say that "shifting" a person within a couple of hours of meeting them is immature...and in many cases alcohol and/or drugs are the driving force

Going back to my original point, the OP looked for advice regarding change and meeting more mature people..which not everyone seems to have grasped...As a person who's in his late 20's and has never had problems meeting mature women i simply offered advice based on my own experiences