Staying Friends After A Split?

Rick_

To keep it short and sweet, my relationship ended 4 months ago (he ended it out of the blue) and he still wanted to be friends. I agreed, purely because I thought he might change his mind and there could be a chance of us getting back together again. (Silly me). It's been 4 months now, we haven't talked in over a month and the 3 or 4 times we have talked since the split were mainly just formalities and sorting things between us that needed to be done (some of which are not sorted and can't be for some time).

Recently he has started being much more active on social media, he has cut his hair, shaved off his beard, got tattoos and is out drinking with friends a lot more. It's hard to see those pics and I'm finding it hard to 'just be friends' and am starting to think that if I ever want to be truly over him and be able to move on, I need to cut all ties, including removing all his friends from my social media, having my friends remove him and his friends etc.

It's just so hard to do and I'm finding it hard to pluck up the courage to just do it, or wonder if I should even talk to him first and tell him that I can't do it and this is it. Is being friends after a split even possible? I thought I could do it but the longer I go on the more I realise that I miss him (or the idea of being with someone) and it gets harder and harder to let go and move on. I feel so stuck.

That wasn't short or sweet at all....!

Ten of Swords

Its hard but you are not being 'just friends' for the right reasons.

pad e wrote: »

purely because I thought he might change his mind and there could be a chance of us getting back together again.

If there is no possibility of getting back together can you really be a proper friend to him or will you always feel jealousy and resentment, especially if you see him happy with other people? I often think that people agree to remain friends to initially soften the blow of being dumped but in the long run it's more harmful.

I suppose you just need to decide how clean a break from him you can do, by that I mean are your social circles quite interconnected and if so how many friends do you have in common? That is awkward because it can end up with people taking sides etc.

Sort out what needs sorting, even the things that you say will take some time (see what you can do to accelerate the process) and be done with it if you think it's for the best. Cutting ties will painful in the short term but the alternative is feeling like you do now well into the future (it's been 4 months already).

Links234

pad e wrote: »

Is being friends after a split even possible?

I'm really good friends with my ex-boyfriend, we split up but wanted to remain friends, but drifted apart not long after that. We hadn't seen each other in a while, then reconnected and now we're good friends for the past few years. So my answer would be yes, with a but: trying to remain friends right away after we broke up was kinda awkward, I wanted to be in a relationship, he didn't. It was that bit of distance and time apart that made all the difference and put a lot of space between the raw emotions of the initial relationship, we both changed and grew as people and both of us wanted to be friends, instead of one of us wanting to be friends and one of us wanting to rekindle our previous relationship.

Or to put it another way; yeah, but it's gonna hurt like stepping on a lego brick right now and you need to move on even if you do want to have a friendship.

Rick_

Regarding friends, we both have our own circles and none overlap. Yes, we are both friends with each others friends on social media but I'm quite confident all his friends will side with him and all mine will side with me if it ever came to it. But everyone is still friends for now, so the thought of having to tell everyone to unfriend him is very off-putting, even though it would probably help put a big closure mark on everything.

The situation isn't helped by a wall of silence between us, neither will say anything to the other and on previous attempts (always instigated by me) there has been little conversation and then it dies off. He still re-blogs a lot of my stuff on other sites we both use but he doesn't ever like, comment or chat on Facebook even though he is never off it. Also, his mother, who is a lovely lady and was always very welcoming and friendly towards me still contacts me now and again and when she found out we were no longer together she sent me a lovely long text about how much she thought of me and hoped we all could remain friends in time when things had settled down and I was welcome back in their home any time etc. She reiterated that point (an invitation over for dinner) again last night when she was in contact.

I think given time we could be friends, but as there's a bit of distance between us (metaphorically and physically) I'm not sure how long it would take and even if it would be worth it as I'm detecting his silence to be his way of perhaps hoping that I will do the leg work and cut all ties, which is odd as he was more than willing to end it, but only after he got gifts from me for his birthday (and just before mine so he wouldn't have to get me anything!) even though he said he had "felt this way for a while". I still have some of his belongings in my house and he has some of mine, and a few other issues too, which also makes just deciding one morning to cut all ties difficult. If asked, I would say that I'm over him and want to move on but if I was being 100% honest, if there was a chance we could pick up where we left off I'd be open to that after a long discussion with him about how hurt I am over everything, but I don't know if I'm saying that because I miss him or just miss being with someone after being single for so long and I'm now facing the prospect of being single for another long while until I find someone again.

What a whiny post for a Monday morning, eh? Needless to say yesterday was fun watching all the loved up couples and seeing so much bloody love-hearts and gushing declarations of love on social media. I'm off to London for a long weekend on Friday, I'm just gonna enjoy myself as much as possible and try not to think about it all.

wehuntmonsters

I think you're better off just unfriending him. Time is a great healer but you cannot get over him if you're still in contact with him or if you are stalking his facebook. Cut him out.

I don't mean this in a harsh way, I honestly don't, but if I was asked to unfriend one of my friends just because you broke up with him I wouldn't be too happy with you. Of course your friends will side with you, naturally, but nobody likes being told who they can or cannot be friends with just because you're having a tough time with him. I suggest you block him as well, that way you can't see anything he posts even if your friends like his status' or pictures.

wakka12

I don't think post relationships friendships work unless you both started off as friends first and then started dating, I still think its difficult regardless though. I think you would have to be two people who got along extremely well, to the point that you friendship was so strong that it would be painful for both of you to just cut it off