Large age disparity

LegacyUser

Hi guys.

So I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 35. We've been going out for about 8 months now. Prior to going out I had thought she was about 28 and she thought the same to me. After we started seeing each other we started getting the impression that one another was younger/older than originally presumed. We both kind of fretted from the topic of age because we both assumed if the other found out, they'd be too young/old.

Anyways it came up about 2 months into the relationship. We were both pretty shocked, but it didn't bother either of us and things went along just fine.

But the thing is, 6 months later and I can't help but feel it nagging at me. I know age is just a number, but something feels unrealistic about it. I get the impression that certain (not all of course) friends and family (on both sides) aren't taking it seriously and that makes me uncomfortable. When I try think of possible reasons why, I can't seem to pick any thoroughly concrete ones but the feeling persists.

The physical attraction is certainly there, she looks about 27. With regards to life-course, well we're both in university, in fact I'm in my final year and she's in her 2nd. Children? Well, she said she's happy to have or not have kids, and if I want them in the future she'll have no problem - the question I guess is whether she can. I've considered adoption if needs be, but I don't know. What are the risks when trying to have a child at 40/41?

But a part of me feels as well that I shouldn't be thinking so much into the future. I talked to one of my friends about this and she thought it was mad that I was thinking this far ahead into a relationship, especially just 8 months in. She said she never thought about kids or marriage until at least 2 years into a relationship, and that I should take things as they come... And I definitely see merit in her advice.

However like I said I feel a bit rattled by the disparity all the same. When someone asks how old is my girlfriend and I tell them, the shock most people give me really unsettles me. It's not that most people disapprove (well not openly at least), but it's never a passive reaction and that irks me. Sometimes I shy from meeting her friends, while even though most of them are in their late 20s as are a lot my friends, she has some friends that are in their mid 40-s and I feel very out of place socializing with them sometimes. Even her friends that are in their late 20s/early 30s occassionally crack a joke at how young I am, I know it's in good humour but it does put me down a little bit. And I can tell that she feels a bit uncomfortable around mine too, most of mine are about 24/25 but there are the odd ones who are about 20.

I've talked about it with her before and she told me it doesn't bother her in the slightest. She said she has gone out with fellas 10 years younger than her before and she broke up with them because she didn't like the age-gap - but with me it really doesn't bother her. We had a row before because she sensed uncertainity from me (and I guess I took it wrong), but I ended up telling her that the age disparity feels uncomfortable at times. She got quite emotional and told me that if I need to be with a younger woman then she'd understand and that she wouldn't stop me, but it felt very wrong of me to leave. Not even that it "felt wrong", I just simply didn't want to.

We got over that and time passed but the feeling comes back and I'm not sure if I can talk about it again with her. I can't stop thinking about how much more at ease I'd feel if she was my age or even just in her late 20s.

You get the picture anyways at this point, please help? Thanks!

magicmushroom

It's a tough one.

You obviously really like her, but the age difference isn't going to go away like other problems could.

I suppose that being the male in this you are kind of lucky as you don't have to worry too much about if it doesn't work out, will you be too old to have kids...but for her (if she wants kids) this could be something that arises.

I personally wouldn't want to wait until I was 40 to have children in case it was difficult to conceive and this is a fear she might possibly develop in the next year or 2. Then if it doesn't work out, she might resent you for 'wasting' her time. I hope you know what I mean by that and it doesn't sound harsh.

With regards to feeling a bit unsettled when you have to tell people her age, well in time she will have met everyone that is important to you and they will have got over the 'shock' then so that part of the problem is only really short term.

You need to really have a think about this, you've said you'd feel more at ease with someone closer to your age...if that's the case and you think it might hold back the relationship, you're probably better (and kinder to her) to cut things off now before the relationship develops any further.

Merkin

I'm as liberal as they come but I don't get why a woman of 35 (and this would only hinge on her desire to settle down) would want to commit to a guy of 24. You may both be at college but from an emotional and maturity perspective I'd say you're pretty far apart and unlikely to be on the same page.

Her desire for children is also pretty ambiguous but as time goes on, for a lot of women, their biological clock really does tick LOUDLY. What if she says in twelve months time that she really is anxious to have a child with you ASAP. How would you feel? Are you using protection? I'm also slightly concerned at her reaction to you wanting to maybe break free.

Normally I wouldn't really be opposed to age gaps per se but it's all dependent on life stages as I said and I just don't see how this can work out. I'm also surprised that she's taking a wait and see approach at 35. I'm not saying she's some old fossil, but at that age a lot of people would hope to maybe meet someone they can build a life with.

LegacyUser

Thanks.

magicmushroom wrote: »

You need to really have a think about this, you've said you'd feel more at ease with someone closer to your age...if that's the case and you think it might hold back the relationship, you're probably better (and kinder to her) to cut things off now before the relationship develops any further.

But I don't want just anyone closer to my age, if she could be "only" 6/7 years younger it would be perfect... I couldn't bare breaking up with her though, it's really not something I want to do. I'd hate to break up because "it felt like the right thing to do", then end up regretting it and missing on something that could've been great.

Merkin wrote: »

from an emotional and maturity perspective I'd say you're pretty far apart and unlikely to be on the same page.

Could you elaborate?

Merkin wrote: »

Her desire for children is also pretty ambiguous but as time goes on, for a lot of women, their biological clock really does tick LOUDLY. What if she says in twelve months time that she really is anxious to have a child with you ASAP. How would you feel? Are you using protection? I'm also slightly concerned at her reaction to you wanting to maybe break free.

Well she said she has never wanted kids with anyone, because she hadn't found anyone she'd like to have kids with, and that if she did find someone she loved enough, she'd only have kids if they wanted to... Which happens to be me, at some point in the future. Also what makes you concerned at her reaction?

Merkin wrote: »

I'm also surprised that she's taking a wait and see approach at 35. I'm not saying she's some old fossil, but at that age a lot of people would hope to maybe meet someone they can build a life with.

I don't know if she's taking a wait and see approach. She said that she has always felt really positive and confident in our relationship though. We have expressed how mad we are for each other, it's not like we don't know we're still waiting to see if we love each other or not... I'd consider myself a fairly confident and competent fellow, but I had never felt so nervous around a woman as I had when I first encountered her. I thought about her obsessively, and was a bit bewildered when I managed to start seeing her. When I found out about her age it was definitely a bit of a revelation but I just went with it, I didn't really care. But things have cumulated over these months as I've highlighted, and I just have no idea how to feel. All I know is I do love her.

silverharp

Its not a problem at your end if you are just enjoying the relationship for what it is. But form your perspective the idea of having kids could be 7 or 8 years or more out. And you should give yourself time to get your career off the ground when you leave college, and have some fun. As a potential life partner it just seems like a mismatch, as you would have to accelerate everything and fertility is an issue at 40/41 and a risk.
Get college out of the way first and see where you are headed after that.

beks101

kilkennyartist wrote: »

But I don't want just anyone closer to my age, if she could be "only" 6/7 years younger it would be perfect...

But that's the thing isn't it. She's not going to magically morph into a 28 year old and you're not going to suddenly shake that niggling feeling that the age difference is an issue. That's just the reality.

You're 24, of course you're not thinking about marriage and babies. But with a partner of 35, you automatically are in the position of having to think about these things as if you don't, she'll miss her window. Simple as that. Over the age of 35 it's considered a geriatric pregnancy in biological terms and over 40 the risks are considerable. She might not be bothered about kids one way or another, but what about you? Are you prepared to accept it might not happen if you wait 5+ years before even thinking about it?

TBH, sometimes love is not enough. It's a shame to have to learn this at 24, but life goals and practicalities form a large part of relationship compatibility, and staying in this relationship just seems like a step on the accelerator into big life decisions that you're not really prepared for right now.

LegacyUser

Don't feel bad or guilty for having these very valid concerns. You can be as open minded as you want but the reality is that is a very large age gap and at ages where your life perspectives, wants and priorities will most likely differ greatly. For example it may not matter so much if the woman is in her 40s and you in your 30s as she probably will have decided about children at that stage or she would know it may be too late, so the choice isn't there, and you in your 30s will be that bit more mature and experienced and you knowingly would be going into a relationship that will not include kids. However at present you would be putting yourself in the position of making these big decisions over the next few years. Now you may love her enough to want to build a future but just be very aware she will want to be considering this quite soon, whether you are ready or not. I'm not saying she will definitely want kids, but I'm pretty certain she won't want to coast along for a few years without looking towards a firm commitment from you in terms of settling down etc. You both may be in college right now and not together very long but that doesn't mean you don't need to consider the implications of you both getting serious.

Emme

kilkennyartist wrote: »

We had a row before because she sensed uncertainity from me (and I guess I took it wrong), but I ended up telling her that the age disparity feels uncomfortable at times. She got quite emotional and told me that if I need to be with a younger woman then she'd understand and that she wouldn't stop me, but it felt very wrong of me to leave. Not even that it "felt wrong", I just simply didn't want to.

If you were 35 and she were 24 this wouldn't be an issue. Unfortunately women have biological clocks and this affects the course of relationships. The age gap relationships that do work in heterosexual couples are usually ones where the man is older.

kilkennyartist wrote: »

We got over that and time passed but the feeling comes back and I'm not sure if I can talk about it again with her.

If the age gap is causing a problem already you need to have a serious talk about it. It's best to end things now over incompatibilities like this instead of going on further and hurting each other more down the line. Be prepared for the worst - that you agree to move on and end the relationship. You need to give realistic answers to questions like this:

Does she want children? Do you want children? If you want children at a later stage this could be a major stumbling block in future. Realistically she should be thinking about having children as soon as possible if she wants them. She is in college now but if she wants children she would want to have them as soon as possible after she graduates.

You mentioned adoption but that is not always easy. They take the age of the parents into account and as far as I know the upper age limit isn't all that high. They might also take the age gap into account. That's not fair but that's how it is.

kilkennyartist wrote: »

I can't stop thinking about how much more at ease I'd feel if she was my age or even just in her late 20s.

In an ideal world love is enough but this is not an ideal world. You will have to decide if the age gap is too much and don't waste any more of her time if you're not comfortable with the age gap. If you can't be comfortable and at ease with each other in a relationship what's the point of that relationship?

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, much appreciated.

Well I don't know what to say or how to feel really. I feel sad, I have a heavy heart. A bunch of strangers on the internet told me to break up with my girlfriend... so I guess I should go do that!? It just seems so wrong to me. But I did ask for outsider opinions and it seems to be pretty unanimous that it's not going to work in the long run. Things are rosey now but I guess it's true - our ages are going to seriously clash at some point.

What do I do from here? I've been in 4 relationships all of them to varying degrees of seriousness, but I've never had to end a relationship with someone I still loved, a relationship where everything still "works". It's worth mentioning I've deferred my final semester at college, and I'm actually in Austria doing work experience for the next 4 months. She has already bought a ticket over to see me, so I guess she's going to have to cancel that and hopefully get it refunded... I feel really bad about it because she's really broke at the moment.

More importantly, how do I do this? She has no internet or computer and hasn't the faintest idea on how to use either of them anyways. I have no money or credit to ring her, and I don't want her wasting what little credit or money she has to ring me so I can call it off... We've been staying in touch through hand-written letter, I feel like writing one unfortunately last letter to her. I don't know if it's impersonal or not but I wouldn't say so. I will have the ability to really think about what I want to say/write, and will be able to go over it.

I want her to know that it's not her, and that it's not a "it's not you it's me" thing, but that our ages are simply incompatible. But I just don't know what to say. I guess the most important issue is kids. Because to be honest, as has been pointed out, I don't even want to start thinking about kids 'till about 30, another 6 years away. By then it could be too risky, and I'll be truthful I don't want to adopt a child. I want my own offspring. I guess it's just important to highlight that it's necessary to do it now so as to avoid future heart break when things don't work out... But WHAT isn't going to work out? Everything has been fine so far... bar kids. But that's hardly something to be taken lightly.

I'm just so uncertain now. Will I forever kick myself afterwards? I feel really bad and guilty. I feel like I should've had the wisdom, months ago, to foresee that this wouldn't work in the long run and that I've let her on... and now I'm about to break her heart in what is a very stressful very busy period of her life.

Thanks again, any more advice is well received.

magneticimpulse

Op are you really going to base your choice on someone's age when everything else seems to be good in the relationship? Women no matter what age (and men) can have fertility issues. Some people are at different stages of their life and your gf might relate to people in their 20s more than someone at 35 who has been married with kids. Also people in their 20s can feel ready to settle down.
If you are happy with your gf then why dump her just based on age? You might click with her more than anyone else that is the same age as you. Have fun and enjoy it as if you would with any relationship. Age is but a number.

LeeLooLee

I will say that I've lived in various countries and I find the Irish INCREDIBLY narrow minded when it comes to age gaps in relationships. Someone has asked why a woman of 35 would ever want to date a man of 24. Seriously? What about love and attraction? It's not as if they're from wildly differing generations. When I lived in Argentina I regularly met couples where the woman was 10-15 years older than the man and vice versa and nobody batted an eyelid.

The Irish obsession with age gaps also ties in with the Irish obsession with biological clocks. Plenty of women have children right up to their early forties, or simply end up not having any at all. I grew up surrounded by the idea that you should settle down and start a family by age 30, and it did me a huge amount of damage, including staying with the wrong person for years during my twenties. I wish to God I'd just lived my life and taken everything as it came. I understand worrying about practicalities to some extent, but I think a lot of people let them rule their lives. I'd sooner meet the right person for me than someone who ticked X number of boxes.

Roselm

I think you might regret breaking up with her!!! You love each other. That's worth a lot. It's not easy to find someone that you connect with easily.
What about the option of continuing to see each other because there isn't actually an issue now. You're anticipating what might be an issue. No-one knows what the future holds. I say stay with the person you are happy being with. In three years time you might decide to go your separate ways but you will have had three amazing years with someone you really cared about.
But maybe in three years (or whatever timeframe) you'll both decide you definitely don't want kids. What if she's your forever person?!

OnTheCouch

It's a tricky one.

I don't know you, but certainly in your posts you come across as fairly intelligent and with your head screwed on. On the other hand, I also see myself as hardly the dumbest guy ever, but I know for sure that at your age I was nowhere near mature nor responsible enough to think about settling down with an older woman (or anyone for that matter).

Hell, even nearly ten years later I'm still not sure about whether I would want to or not, but at least I sense that in the event of meeting a great person, I'm a little bit more stable now than a decade ago.

Now this may be doing you a disservice. We are clearly not the same individual. You may be extremely emotionally advanced for your age. But the fact remains that 24 - even though in fairness you are not contemplating getting engaged tomorrow, is still extremely young for this day and age.

I also hear you about friends and family not taking it seriously. As others have said, similar age-gap relationships that have succeeded have tended to be where the genders are reversed. Without wanting to stereotype, this is probably a combination of women maturing slightly faster than men and also having less of a time-scale in which to have children than we do.

I have another friend whose partner is also around a decade older than he is. They have been together for a few years at this stage. I do also get the feeling when they come up in conversation that people automatically assume it's a fling, some dalliance, rather than the love of his life. A relationship not to be taken seriously essentially. And I believe this is primarily down to the fact she's much older than he is. People expect in the main, rightly or wrongly, for the couple to be of a similar age or else the man should be older.

Another thing that would worry me is her predilection for dating younger men and then breaking up with them due to the age gap. Unfortunately behavioural patterns do often repeat themselves in relationships and just because she doesn't feel the urge to do this with you at the moment, doesn't mean she won't use it against you further down the line or subconsciously decide to finish with you because of it.

But who are we to say? As you point out, we are merely strangers on the internet and know neither you nor this woman. She may light your fire like no one before. You may feel completely at ease in her company, more than you have ever felt before. Instead of being apprehensive when thinking about a future with her, it may seem like the most natural thing in the world. But if at least two of the latter statements are not your reality, you should definitely think long and hard about whether you should continue with her.

Augme

If the people of the internet told you to put your hand in a fire would you do it? That's not to say their advice should just be ignored but it also doesn't mean you have to follow it if you're not sure. I'm not sure why you wouldn't stick with the relationship if you're enjoying it. Time is against you so if you do break up over it two years down the line then it's not that big of a deal.


Not only that but I honestly think even if you was younger then chances of the relationship lasting wouldn't be that big. Most people who were involved in serious relationships at that age didn't stay with their partner (that's not the case for everyone though obviously).

Idle Passerby

The main issue here is whether she wants to have children or not. You say you would like them in about 6 years. If she wants children she would be a fool to wait until shes 41 to start trying. So realistically thats not really a viable option.

If she doesnt want kids though you might still have a great relationship for the next few years, but you will more than likely have to leave her when you want to start a family of your own.

I think rather than just dump her now you should talk it over as a couple. The pertinent points are that you want to have your own children, but not until it will likely be too late for her to bear them.

magneticimpulse

I would hate to think that the op's girlfriend is being dumped because she is above the age of 35 are being ruled out as being too to be able to have children or that she is just seen as a baby making machine who's biological clock is ticking. There is more to relationships and life than that.

It is also such a negative perception to judge her primarily as a baby making machine and to write her off only based on that reasoning. Any relationship can have its issues when it comes to baby making....I have friends at 27 who took them 3 years to conceive and ive friends at 45 that got pregnant in one month.

Op go with your heart and if you love this woman go for it! You can still have a fulfilling life and do everything you want to do in life while being in a relationship.

kylith

OP, don't break up with her because some people on the internet tell you to.

However, you do need to think about the future. People are, I find, generally not take it or leave it when it comes to having children. If she wants them and puts it off until you're ready then she runs the risk of having left it too late and not being able to conceive. If she doesn't want them and you do, or you want them and she is past the age where she can conceive, then are you going to leave her for someone with whom you can have children? This would be, I think, very unfair if she wants kids and has put it off until you're ready only for you to leave her because she can't conceive.

If both of you were on the same page then I'd have no hesitation in saying to go for it and sod anyone who says there's too big an age difference, but this is something that I think ye need to discuss seriously before making any decisions.

baby and crumble

I'm not really sure why so many people are basically not believing this woman when she says she doesn't necessarily want kids:

kilkennyartist wrote: »

Children? Well, she said she's happy to have or not have kids, and if I want them in the future she'll have no problem

Obviously from a practical point of view if you want to have a couple of kids and space them out a little then yes, starting your family at 40 isn't that practical but just because a woman is over 30 it doesn't mean there's some little timebomb inside. Lots of women have babies older than 35 and while there are increased risks it's not that unusual.

kilkennyartist wrote: »

She has no internet or computer and hasn't the faintest idea on how to use either of them anyways.

I don't mean to be rude, but I find this astonishingly hard to believe. If she's in college she has to have internet there, she has to be using a computer all the time to check her emails for college and also for researching her papers and writing them. I'm 34 and there's simply no way someone my age cannot use a computer to get emails. It's just not possible, particularly for someone in an Irish university.

LegacyUser

baby and crumble wrote: »

I don't mean to be rude, but I find this astonishingly hard to believe. If she's in college she has to have internet there, she has to be using a computer all the time to check her emails for college and also for researching her papers and writing them. I'm 34 and there's simply no way someone my age cannot use a computer to get emails. It's just not possible, particularly for someone in an Irish university.

She writes every essay by hand, and just uses the library for books. She can check emails on her phone, but beyond that she's quite clueless. Maybe "hasn't the faintest idea" was a bit of an exaggeration, but she really does not understand computers/internet usage apart from opening an email and watching TV. I tried to explain online banking to her and she just couldn't comprehend it, in fact she refused to believe me! The point I was trying to make though is that if I do call it off Skype or video chatting wouldn't be an option. I guess ringing her would be the only realistic choice.

Thanks everyone. I'm still wholly undecided on how to feel or what to do. 12 years is just such a big gap, but I fancy the socks off her. I haven't even told my mother yet that I have a girlfriend, just because I don't want to deal with what I will know be a negative reception.

I don't know, my head hurts from thinking about it so much and I feel bad because I've been kind of avoiding contact with her, I just feel so guilty when she texts me something really sweet, and here are I am with all these doubts flying around in my head. Ideally I'd like to see her one more time, and spend time with her again, and make up my mind afterwards. But if it doesn't work out then her trip over here will be a waste of her time and money, which she has little of either.

CaraMay

Op you can call her from Skype very cheaply. It's not fair to be avoiding contact and confusing her. Make your decision and don't mess her around

beks101

baby and crumble wrote: »

Obviously from a practical point of view if you want to have a couple of kids and space them out a little then yes, starting your family at 40 isn't that practical but just because a woman is over 30 it doesn't mean there's some little timebomb inside. Lots of women have babies older than 35 and while there are increased risks it's not that unusual.

I don't think the question is about what she wants though. She seems easy either way about babies. It's that the OP wants kids, not before the age of 30, he's 24 now, that would make his current partner 41+ before she even starts trying...not advisable obviously if either party is dead-set on a family. At that age she'd be lucky to get pregnant once, let alone a few times.

OK OP. Here are your options from where I stand:

- Do nothing, say nothing, go with the flow. This means probably falling deeper in love with the woman and essentially ignoring the baby/family thing altogether. No ifs or buts. Just going with it.

- Break up with her. Deal with the hardship of getting over someone you're in love with. Move forward. Date someone closer to your own age where you don't have this giant question mark over your head about babies and things that aren't even remotely on your radar right now.

- Say it to her. "Listen babe. I love you to bits but I'm really struggling with some issues concerning the age gap between us. They don't affect my feelings for you, but I think we should talk about our future and where this is going". See if you can both come to a consensus.

- Stay in the relationship and open yourself up to the idea of having a family sooner than you thought you wanted. As in, in the next few years.

Life is about choices. Tough bloody choices. Each choice poses the risk of regret down the line. You won't know how big or non-existent that regret will be until you've made that choice and attempted to deal with the consequences. It's a tough lesson at an early age and I don't envy you but that's just life.

Simple question. Is her age and what it potentially means for your future something you can forget, put to one side happily or accept for the sake of your relationship?

caille

Hi OP, I just want to say this - please, please, please don't do anything hasty. Listen to your heart, as clichéd and all as that sounds. Yes, there are major life decisions you have to look at like kids, and what your girlfriend wants. But it sounds like you are mad about her and she sounds the same about you, and if you break up with her, you could really regret this. So all I am saying is to really really think about all this.

When my husband and I first got together, we had a lot of opposition initially (don't want to explain why here, age was only one issue, my age), no one was on our side and not through any malice, just they were concerned about a few things. And we did nearly break up, a few times, from listening to those people instead of our hearts. But in the end, we just seemed to know that breaking up was going to hurt us way more than the issues in front of us. And guess what. We are together, married, some years now and yes, we had to figure out a few things along the way but I can tell you, if I died in the morning, I would die happy because of the love and happiness I have had these years. And to think I nearly lost all this because of other people's opinions.

The only question you really have to ask yourself is this - can you imagine life without your girlfriend in it? If you can't, that is your answer.

Calypso Realm

OP-I wouldn't dream of breaking up with her before discussing all of your concerns in person with her first in a calm manner. You really need her input before you can arrive at any solution together.From what I've read it appears the main issue centres around having children. I know a lot of (career-minded) women who've had (healthy) kids well into their thirties and early forties.

Lastly, OP it doesn't matter a hoot what other people think/advise re your situation. All that matters is what you and she want. It's your relationship, not theirs!

dellas1979

It seems like a classic case of "what the neighbours think".

You seem to be taking everyone else's opinions and reactions on board(including people's opinion here) and not your own feelings and opinions and hers, who are actually in the relationship.

This realisation usually comes with age, just because older people have more experience and knowledge in not really giving two hoots to what the neighbours think.

Shur if we all lived our lives by what the neighbours are/might thinking, we'd all be incredibly unhappy.

Live your life how you want to live it and who you want to live it with. And youll be a far happier person.

johnnyskeleton

kilkennyartist wrote: »

What are the risks when trying to have a child at 40/41?

Maybe see a doctor or look it up on reputable websites. Without giving any kind of medical advice, i think the risks of later pregnancy are largely overstated in the media.

Pretzill

OP I was 25 when I met my 37 yr old partner - We discussed children early on and neither of us wanted children -
22 yrs later we are still together and happy and fulfilled in our relationship.

But then the age gap never bothered me at all.

nuckeythompson

Been there, 11 year age gap and she never wanted kids. Met her when she was35 then when she hit 41 she panicked abouts kids so long story short we had a child when she was 42.

Things changed dramatically after that. Relationship broke down, she had a mid life crisis and now I feel like a sperm donor . The age gap may not be a problem at this stage but in a few years it will be different. What I found out why she was attracted to younger guys was more sexual than anything else.

Merkin

I was thinking more about your situation OP and I think you really need to have a very open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your doubts. Get absolutely everything out in the open with her and then decide.

Distorted

OP, I've read your post and my feelings are that if you love her, age doesn't matter. Yes, you can talk about what ifs, and children, and so on, but if you love her as an individual and the time you spend with her, and not from what you can get out of her - fitting into society, children, whatever, it really doesn't matter.

And of course, plenty of people have made successful relationships with the man younger than the woman. Of course it can work.

But if I was her, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man so woolly minded that he took the word of a bunch of strangers on the internet over whether to break up with his girlfriend. I'd want a man who knew his own mind, who was determined, and strong - whatever age he was.

LegacyUser

Well I still haven't really reached any consensus but I figure the only thing I really can do is just go with it for now and at some point have a talk about it. No point in jumping ship or making dramatic hasty decisions. Whatever happens, happens. It'll all fall into place and sort itself out in the end I suppose... All I know is I'm currently enjoying the relationship and would sorely miss her. A bit unsure about the age gap... but that's a conversation for another day with her, and when it does come, we'll just have to take it from there...

Distorted wrote: »

But if I was her, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man so woolly minded that he took the word of a bunch of strangers on the internet over whether to break up with his girlfriend. I'd want a man who knew his own mind, who was determined, and strong - whatever age he was.

I'm sorry, did you read the rest of the thread? If you did perhaps you'd see that I was already quite apprehensive about wantonly taking advice from strangers on the internet. I have absolutely no idea what you're trying to say in the last sentence. I can most readily assure you that I know my own mind, I'm determined and strong. I'm sorry that asking for advice on a Relationship Issues board comes across as the opposite for you. If you had read my earlier post you'd also know that I'm abroad for the next 4 months, and I know NOBODY here. I don't have Facebook or Skype or money for extended phone calls so I can't really confide to my friends. This is all I have, my only means of reflection and outsider perpsective. But thanks, I guess?

All else aside, I feel a bit more positive now about the whole thing. I'm really glad I didn't make any abrupt choices, though I came close to it. It's really good to know there are others who've had partners of 12+ years, and that it's not impossible to have kids at 40 odd. I just feel bad, for casting so many doubts... But as is already well clear, these doubts can only affirm or disappear after a healthy discussion with her. When, I don't know, but I would guess it's probably more constructive to do it sooner rather than later...

Really appreciate the responses