26 year old unlovable male

LegacyUser

(My apologies to the mods if I shoulda put this in the "relationships" sub-forum)

Ok, I know compared to a lot of threads here that my problem isn't a big one, but I'm in a lot of emotional pain over it lately and just need a place to vent more than anything else.

Bit of a run down as to my background...

- Came from an unstable and f*cked up Dublin family household, but moved on from that now...

- Bullied and neglected in school (moved on from that now too) but don't have any friends/connections whatsoever from childhood/teenage years (as opposed to ((seemingly)) many people)...

- My transition from teenage years into adulthood (i.e college years) was very messy, dropped out of 2 college courses and constantly went in & outta the mental health system...eventually found myself with a 2:1 in Psychology at 24...but ultimately failed an MSc (at 26).

- Only been with one girl, a 3 year relationship from the ages of 22-25.

Nowadays I'm mentally, emotionally and spiritually very much all over the place.

I don't have money for counselling and I am very flustered, confused and yet indifferent as to what I want to do with my life.
I'm doing the best I can to work on myself (self development etc) but progress is f*cking slow...

Anyway, the main thing that I'm upset about is that I have one great friend (an amazing guy that I trust and value immensely) as well as a twin brother (that I love deeply)...both of which are in long term relationships...

Seeing the 2 best guys in my life with women who are nothing less than outstanding (so supportive, non-judgmental, understanding and genuinely kind) is fantastic...but I can't ever see myself finding a woman with whom I feel so at ease with...

I'm such a f*cking loser.

I don't know what I'm asking here really...I know I'm messed up, and I do need professional help...and I do need to keep working on myself...but I'm just convinced that I'm unlovable and in 10 years I'll probably be broke, unemployed, single and sleeping on a f*cking futon.

I dunno, it seems the older you get (ESPECIALLY for males) the likelihood that you'll find someone you can love and trust decreases...

I don't know, I just feel hopeless, but being a guy I feel pathetic and weak moaning about it.

Thank you for reading

LegacyUser

Just out of curiosity why do you feel it's particularly hard for males as they get older to find someone to love? I'm 29 and just out of a 2 year relationship within the last 6 months and feel like Ive seen the best and worst in my ex,as I loved him dearly but he lied constantly. It definitely isn't just a male issue there.
My advice would be to continue improving yourself and forget about the opposite sex for the time being. You are still young and have plenty of time to find someone. I know it sounds so cliché, but sometimes love happens at the most unexpected time.

Rubberchikken

ok frst of all you have to go easy on yourself.
you're not a loser nor unloveable.

you have had a relationship and one that lasted longer than some marriages so you can and will find another.

you have a great friend, a twin brother who you love and who, i'm hoping, loves you back.

maybe you're family wasn't the Waltons, but, really, whose is? we get what we get nd try to make the best of it.

what are you doing to actually give yourself the opportunity to meet a decent girl/woman?

maybe you need to stop 'working on yourself' as you put it, and start living. you're doing your best, you can't really do much more than that.
try to like yourself more. others do. and i did smile at the 'futon':)

take care and good luck

armaghlad

Get out exercising and/or socialising.
Take up a hobby - photography, gym, etc
Go to football matches, art galleries, exhibits, whatever might interest you.
Get on tinder! Join any number of dating sites. You'll get texting women and it's far easier to meet someone than going to bars and nightclubs!

Loads of things you can do to meet new people

PennyWren

I don't have any specific advice but your post mad me sad, no one is unlovable. As the saying goes "every pot has a lid" you've had a long term relationship and you will again.
26 is very young to be worried about being single forever. I know plenty guys that didn't meet the perfect partner until they were 30 or older.
I'm sure there are some free counselling services available that could help greatly, possibly aware or pieta house? I'm sorry you've had a tough time so far but hopefully everything will improve for you soon.

LegacyUser

Op you are not a loser!

Can I just start by saying that Psychology is not an easy subject, I study it myself and theres a lot to learn! So congrats on completing your degree. To me that shows you have some sort of a brain in your head and that is always an attractive trait to have.

Im the same age as you and was in your shoes after I left school. Didnt know what to do with myself, I lacked direction and discipline. Didnt think id ever be a proper functioning adult in society. I went back to college last year as a mature stufent and have to say I love it.

I know you already have your degree but im just trying to say that you are young, dont be so hard on yourself. Its ok to not know what the immediate future holds. You're only in your twenties, take some time out for yourself and do some things you want to do.

I hope im making sense!

LegacyUser

Very easy to get free or "donation" counselling, ie you give whatever you can each week a fiver or whatever. I suggest you ring a local family support Agency, best of luck whichever you chose

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi
I have read your post. I am really sorry to hear about you. Youre 26 so youre still young. Im 25 and I am single I never had a girlfriend in my life either and I am 25 going on 26. My advice to you would be try some dating sites and maybe take up a hobby. Maybe you could go travelling for a year e.g go backpacking around Asia places such as Thailand Vietnam Sri Lanka Cambodia Singapore etc try and see a bit of the world. Remember you will still meet someone so try and enjoy your life first remember youre only young once so try and make the most of it while you can as you will regret it when youre older. If youre feeling any bit down go and see your GP and talk things through with him or her and ask for to be prescribed medication.
I hope that you will take my advice on board

LegacyUser

Really appreciate all the responses guys, I'm feeling OK about the whole thing now...was just very overwhelmed and emotional when I originally posted...it all just caught me off guard, I guess...kinda embarrassed reading my OP now!

Anyway, thanks again everyone. I'm gonna keep working on myself, particularly on my confidence. And whenever I'm ready to date again, I'll know when that is...but it certainly isn't anytime soon...and so what?

Onward and upward

CaraMay

Op I think you sound very normal - which is good. You are clearly clever and clued in and it's no harm to be single for a while. I was on a course recently and it was to do with parenting a child with autism and they taught us something very simple but effective. We had to write down all the negative things we said to ourselves every day as parents eg I don't do enough etc etc and then turn and say them to our neighbor. We could all write plenty but no one would dare say it to anyone else. The point being is that you need to dump the negative thoughts and give yourself a break. You've had a successful life so far so clap yourself on the bac and look foreward to the future.

Neon_Lights

Sir you can either mope about the situation and victimise yourself or go out there and grab life by the balls... Your choice...Because now if you go up to anyone with that story you're effectively saying "hello I'm a failure" ... You need to go out there and change that opening line, the only way to do that is positive action, new hobbies, interests, skills and engaging with other people, not islanding yourself, which is the easiest way out

Tell me how

Neon_Lights wrote:

You need to go out there and change that opening line, the only way to do that is positive action, new hobbies, interests, skills and engaging with other people, not islanding yourself, which is the easiest way out

You're not wrong. Just a slight point.
That's the "What". The difficult bit (for some) is the "How".
It can be difficult to overcome negative self esteem, just saying you will doesn't always make it so.

Neon_Lights

Tell me how wrote: »

You're not wrong. Just a slight point.
That's the "What". The difficult bit (for some) is the "How".
It can be difficult to overcome negative self esteem, just saying you will doesn't always make it so.

Well its ones journey to find out, I have a friend who had terrible confidence, he overcame it and found a new social circle through dance and acting. And don't get me wrong he's still one of the lads football, beers and all, but he solved a problem through people and purpose.

But isn't it an adventure in itself the "How", cause different things work for different people. I think he just needs to find himself surrounded by like minded good people, and have something to strive for. Its different for everyone what works but thats the beauty of it, variety.

santana75

Guitar man, not a drum man wrote: »

I dunno, it seems the older you get (ESPECIALLY for males) the likelihood that you'll find someone you can love and trust decreases...

The truth is the exact opposite man. I have a friend whos 47 and is currently dating a girl whos 28. And this is not unusual for him. Seriously you have to take a step back and ask yourself why you think stuff like this is true? What have you possibly got to gain from thinking that for men it gets harder as you get older? As far as I can see all you do by thinking that is terrifying yourself. And what good is that? You're in the place youre in because of the things you chose to believe about yourself and life, and for whatever reason you've chosen to believe horrible(and untrue) things. Plus you're putting way too much stock in finding someone to love. Like thats way too much pressure for one person to live up to. Why not love yourself and connect with who you really are instead? If you got into a relationship right now it would be a disaster. It would be bad because you would be so dependent on that person for love that they would end up feeling suffocated and run a mile. You have to square yourself away fist before you go down that road otherwise you'll be vulnerable to being treated like crap. Relax, take things as they come. Forget about age or numbers or any of that stuff, just live your life. Follow your heart and live, stop worrying about whether you're lovable or not, just assume you are. Psychology can be a double edged sword, on one had its good to have insight and self awareness but often people will go too far and start tying themselves in knots trying to figure everything out fixing themselves. You dont need to fix yourself, all you need do is go and live your life. Whatever comes up while that happens, you can deal with, but let go of this notion that you need a lot of therapy or fixing. Just assume your good enough, because otherwise you'll walk around thinking youre not and people will respond accordingly.

Jay Pentatonic

There's a website called "moodgym"...it's basically a free online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy training programme.

Might be a useful resource for you to learn how to change your negative way of thinking. Like everything in life, these things can come easier to some than others, so it might be well worth checking out.

If you change how you think about yourself, how you think about the situations you come across and future events, you may be very surprised of the results that may follow

Best of luck man

https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

dd972

Jesus man, you've got a degree and had a gf that lasted three years, just think about being 43, no degree and having given up on ever finding the gf or ever working again because all your jobs have been s**te.

In short I'm just saying there doesn't seem to be that much wrong and you can get back on track judging from your recent past.