Moving on

sharkey 25

Hi lads

I had previously posted about my relationship which was on the rocks. We had agreed to a no contact period where we wouldn't see anyone
Anyway long story short she slept with the guy she cheated with previously
Things are now finished and I'm still quite hurt and down about it all. If good friends who will listen to my ramblings and are good to be there for me.
I'm sure some of you have went through this before. Tbh it feel fuking awful that she could do that after making a commitment to stay exclusive for those weeks.
What did any of u find ease d pain? Get back out meeting girls? Drinking a bottle of whisky a day? (joking)
In a way I feel good in dat I have myself back, I know that might sound strange

Any advice appreciated

Keyzer

As sh1t as you feel now, it will pass in time. Before you know it you'll be feeling better, still a little bruised but you'll be on the road back to normality.
And you're better off without her.

Lisacatlover

Not to be captain hindsight, but "OK, let's not see each other or have sex for a period, but don't see other people or have sex with them either" deal was only going one way. She wasn't faithful when you were a couple. Are you really hurt and surprised she wasn't when you weren't really a couple, even if it was 'temporarily'?

You move on by hanging out with friends, going out with them, enjoying being one of the single guys again, and thanking the universe you got out when you did, however painful the exit was.

beertons

Take up a new hobby, start a night class. Keep busy. In 6 weeks, you'll be a new man.

Loughc

Do something that YOU want to do, weither that is binging on a tv boxset that she wouldn't want to watch or heading to the gym. The next few weeks should be all about you and doing things you want to do.

As time goes on you'll be able to put it behind you and move on and realise you were so much better off without her.

sReq | uTeK

Hit the gym. Do some online course spend your time doing things that not only distract you but better you. Stay away from alcohol at the end of the day it's a depressant and does no good in these situations.

It sounds like you're well rid so chin up and look to the future.

sharkey 25

Loughc wrote: »

Do something that YOU want to do, weither that is binging on a tv boxset that she wouldn't want to watch or heading to the gym. The next few weeks should be all about you and doing things you want to do.

As time goes on you'll be able to put it behind you and move on and realise you were so much better off without her.

Yeah dat is something in certainly thinking of doing a night course of something I have an interested in. It could also be an opportunity to meet new people. Tbh alcohol and other substances seem easier at d moment but I know that will not help in d long term.

sharkey 25

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Hit the gym. Do some online course spend your time doing things that not only distract you but better you. Stay away from alcohol at the end of the day it's a depressant and does no good in these situations.

It sounds like you're well rid so chin up and look to the future.

I know bit Tbh I am trying bit failing a bit. I admittedly have a tendency for dat kind of thing.
Don't get me wrong I have good freinds who will actively intervene sometimes wen.o show the signs I may be going off d rails
rails
The main keeping me in line is my job and d fact that im good in my position and don't won't to come to.work, not fully there or with it.
Further to this I often give out to myself for making such a deal of, what at d end of d day isn't very important in d overall picture

sharkey 25

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Hit the gym. Do some online course spend your time doing things that not only distract you but better you. Stay away from alcohol at the end of the day it's a depressant and does no good in these situations.

It sounds like you're well rid so chin up and look to the future.

I know bit Tbh I am trying bit failing a bit. I admittedly have a tendency for dat kind of thing.
Don't get me wrong I have good freinds who will actively intervene sometimes wen.o show the signs I may be going off d rails
rails
The main keeping me in line is my job and d fact that im good in my position and don't won't to come to.work, not fully there or with it.
Further to this I often give out to myself for making such a deal of, what at d end of d day isn't very important in d overall picture

DukeOfTheSharp

I was in a somewhat similar situation to this, but it was made all the worse by the fact that the person I was with was an emotional abuser and spent 99% of the relationship moving goalposts to suit her terms, leaving me feeling like I was losing my mind. From the sounds of it, you were dealing with a run-of-the-mill arsehole who decided that she couldn't hack being decent and respectful - so much so that instead of ending it like a human being, she re-cheated despite what she agreed upon.

All I can tell you is that it will get better. Over time you'll realise what a tool someone like that really is, and that you're free from their toxicity, meaning that you can do what you want. Time helps you see things more clearly and remember that her actions aren't your doing. She chose to do what she did, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she failed, that's on her. Focus on yourself, as hard as it might be, and soon you'll realise that you're much better off than you were.

DukeOfTheSharp

I was in a somewhat similar situation to this, but it was made all the worse by the fact that the person I was with was an emotional abuser and spent 99% of the relationship moving goalposts to suit her terms, leaving me feeling like I was losing my mind. From the sounds of it, you were dealing with a run-of-the-mill arsehole who decided that she couldn't hack being decent and respectful - so much so that instead of ending it like a human being, she re-cheated despite what she agreed upon.

All I can tell you is that it will get better. Over time you'll realise what a tool someone like that really is, and that you're free from their toxicity, meaning that you can do what you want. Time helps you see things more clearly and remember that her actions aren't your doing. She chose to do what she did, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she failed, that's on her. Focus on yourself, as hard as it might be, and soon you'll realise that you're much better off than you were.

sharkey 25

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I was in a somewhat similar situation to this, but it was made all the worse by the fact that the person I was with was an emotional abuser and spent 99% of the relationship moving goalposts to suit her terms, leaving me feeling like I was losing my mind. From the sounds of it, you were dealing with a run-of-the-mill arsehole who decided that she couldn't hack being decent and respectful - so much so that instead of ending it like a human being, she re-cheated despite what she agreed upon.

All I can tell you is that it will get better. Over time you'll realise what a tool someone like that really is, and that you're free from their toxicity, meaning that you can do what you want. Time helps you see things more clearly and remember that her actions aren't your doing. She chose to do what she did, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she failed, that's on her. Focus on yourself, as hard as it might be, and soon you'll realise that you're much better off than you were.[/quote

In relation to you're second paragraph ATM I don't feel like that. Looking at it logically it simply wasn't cheating and I also know they still spend time together. What they are doing I try not to care but its not easy.
I find it hard to hate her for what she did and remember the three great years we spent together, often tearing up slightly over memories of our relationship. I suppose this will come in time and there are days where I rarely think about her and if I do its not so heavy. I really can't wait for that time when things get easier like you all say.ation to you're second paragraph ATM I don't feel like that. Looking at it logically it simply wasn't cheating and I also know they still spend time together. What they are doing I try not to care but its not easy.
I find it hard to hate her for what she did and remember the three great years we spent together, often tearing up slightly over memories of our relationship. I suppose this will come in time and there are days where I rarely think about her and if I do its not so heavy. I really can't wait for that time when things get easier like you all say.

sharkey 25

sharkey 25 wrote: »

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I was in a somewhat similar situation to this, but it was made all the worse by the fact that the person I was with was an emotional abuser and spent 99% of the relationship moving goalposts to suit her terms, leaving me feeling like I was losing my mind. From the sounds of it, you were dealing with a run-of-the-mill arsehole who decided that she couldn't hack being decent and respectful - so much so that instead of ending it like a human being, she re-cheated despite what she agreed upon.

All I can tell you is that it will get better. Over time you'll realise what a tool someone like that really is, and that you're free from their toxicity, meaning that you can do what you want. Time helps you see things more clearly and remember that her actions aren't your doing. She chose to do what she did, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and she failed, that's on her. Focus on yourself, as hard as it might be, and soon you'll realise that you're much better off than you were.[/quote

In relation to you're second paragraph ATM I don't feel like that. Looking at it logically it simply wasn't cheating and I also know they still spend time together. What they are doing I try not to care but its not easy.
I find it hard to hate her for what she did and remember the three great years we spent together, often tearing up slightly over memories of our relationship. I suppose this will come in time and there are days where I rarely think about her and if I do its not so heavy. I really can't wait for that time when things get easier like you all say.ation to you're second paragraph ATM I don't feel like that. Looking at it logically it simply wasn't cheating and I also know they still spend time together. What they are doing I try not to care but its not easy.
I find it hard to hate her for what she did and remember the three great years we spent together, often tearing up slightly over memories of our relationship. I suppose this will come in time and there are days where I rarely think about her and if I do its not so heavy. I really can't wait for that time when things get easier like you all say.

Messed that up , but its in there

KikiDee

sharkey 25 wrote: »

I find it hard to hate her for what she did and remember the three great years we spent together, often tearing up slightly over memories of our relationship. I suppose this will come in time and there are days where I rarely think about her and if I do its not so heavy. I really can't wait for that time when things get easier like you all say.

Hey Sharkey,

I'm in a similar situation as you and tbh, I'm finding it hard to see a time in the future when I'll be OK and feel 'normal' again. I tear up about things, when certain songs come on the radio or certain TV shows. I've even been avoiding bars & restaurants because I went there with him.

What you should try, instead of looking so far into the future, because it can totally overwhelm you (well it does for me anyway!), think about the next 15 - 30 minutes. What do you need to do to get through those few minutes? I'v been thinking this way for a little while and it is helping me. I know it seems like such a small thing to focus on and maybe some people might think it's a little silly, but hey, it's working for me, it might well work for you too.

Chin up pet.

sharkey 25

KikiDee wrote: »

Hey Sharkey,

I'm in a similar situation as you and tbh, I'm finding it hard to see a time in the future when I'll be OK and feel 'normal' again. I tear up about things, when certain songs come on the radio or certain TV shows. I've even been avoiding bars & restaurants because I went there with him.

What you should try, instead of looking so far into the future, because it can totally overwhelm you (well it does for me anyway!), think about the next 15 - 30 minutes. What do you need to do to get through those few minutes? I'v been thinking this way for a little while and it is helping me. I know it seems like such a small thing to focus on and maybe some people might think it's a little silly, but hey, it's working for me, it might well work for you too.

Chin up pet.

Thanks for that. I suppose all I can do is make the worst of a bad situation.
It's such a weird feeling
I imagine it's like when someone very close to you dies. Today I just started welling up without even thinking about her. At the moment everything seems upside down and chaotic. That has never happened to me before, I have had rough times throughout my life but this is totally different. Some morning

sharkey 25

sharkey 25 wrote: »

Thanks for that. I suppose all I can do is make the worst of a bad situation.
It's such a weird feeling
I imagine it's like when someone very close to you dies. Today I just started welling up without even thinking about her. At the moment everything seems upside down and chaotic. That has never happened to me before, I have had rough times throughout my life but this is totally different. Some morning

Sorry using a really shirty phone and hit post by accident.
Some mornings I wake and for a split second I think everything is ok and the same as before and then the awful realisation comes. Atm I can't see a time where things will be ok but have faith that things will settle and they are probably at there worst now.
Thanks for that little tidbit, I will try it out.

KikiDee

sharkey 25 wrote: »

Sorry using a really shirty phone and hit post by accident.
Some mornings I wake and for a split second I think everything is ok and the same as before and then the awful realisation comes. Atm I can't see a time where things will be ok but have faith that things will settle and they are probably at there worst now.
Thanks for that little tidbit, I will try it out.

It is like someone dying. That's exactly what it's like. And yea, I get that whole wake up in the morning thing and you think everything is OK for a bit and then realise. But I promise you this, I'm single with about 3 months and while I'm still fairly cut up about, that sinking feeling when you wake up does go.

It's totally OK to not see a way past this. I'm the same. But we just have to believe that a time will come where we'll be 'OK'. And try take comfort knowing that you're not alone in what you're going through xx

sharkey 25

Hi Lads

It's now almost five weeks on from the breakup and to the last number of weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions , from feeling like I had been hit by a truck to anger and back again. At the moment things have eased and starting to settle down but for a while I wasn't sure If I could keep everything on track.
I'm looking for some advice on contacting my ex. The reason I want to make contact is because of the way things played out in the end , which hadn't mentioned previously. Basically we had decided to give it another go even after I discovered that she had slept with this fella a couple of times when we said we would remain exclusive (Looking back now I can't believe that I would entertain that ). It turns out that she courted a relationship behind my back for about three months before we split.

In the end after telling me that we would make a go of things ,she text me the next day and called things to an end and said that she hoped I didn't contact her anymore. It felt like she couldn't have inflicted more pain if she tried but I realise that this was probably because she would have found it to painful to do it face to face. It really pissed me off that after 3 years of mostly a great relationship that it ended like this.

I suppose the reason I'm thinking of contacting her is that I don't want this to be my lasting impression of her because these certainly arent the actions of the woman I know . What would your advice be with regards to meeting? Has anyone done similar and found it beneficial? BTW I don't hold any ambition for me and her anymore so that's not a reason for the meet up. It's purely to chat through a couple of things without bringing it all back up.

Lavinia

Hi OP, I went through a hard period after I broke up with a boy I loved very much 3 years ago and we were 4 years together. I read it takes 6 months to get better and over things but it took me 2 years and then some.

My counselor said I should go on cold turkey with him meaning no contact, but I saw him few times anyway. I too wanted to talk with him, but also to test myself and "see" if I got over him for good.

Well, as innocent as it was, it did hurt me every time I saw him because the feelings would come up to the surface afterwards and I had to deal with those again and again. First time (I saw him 6 months after we split for the first time) it really knocked me down completely...

However I believe it also helped me to gradually overcome all of that.

I met with him 2 months ago and that was the first time I thought "yes, I am over with it", but it took a while.

Ursus Horribilis

Having read your posts, I don't think it's a good idea. You're still very hung up on her and I do wonder what your true motivation is? It's still very early days and something like this could easily set you back.

Loughc

You don't need to meet her op. It's not going to help. Stay away you'll thank yourself a few months from now.

KikiDee

Hey Sharkey,

Great to hear you're feeling a bit better

I wouldn't advise meeting her just yet. There are still feelings there and it will only end up hurting you. I done the same thing, I met my ex for 'closure' about 6 weeks after we broke up and it just bounced me back to exactly where I was when we first broke up. Even tho I maintained that I was meeting him for a chat, deep down, I was hoping to change his mind.

Maybe wait a while until you're feeling even more better and then look at meeting her but chances are by that stage, you won't even want to see her. This won't be your lasting impression of her. This is just a part of the lasting impression you'll have of her.

batmanrobin

Don't do it to yourself, OP. It's only been 5 weeks. She behaved very poorly towards you. That will be the last impression you have of her for a while. It will be the last impression until you wake up in the morning and she's not the first thought in your head. It will be the last impression until you realise you don't think about her as much as you used to, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. It will be the last impression until you no longer think about her, you're no longer hurt and sad, and at that point, OP, you'll have no impression at all as you'll be completely over her.

If you try to make contact now, you'll only set yourself back. Allow another 5 weeks to pass and then reassess. If you still want to make contact, give it another 5 weeks and so on.

She's told you she hopes you don't make contact. Don't give her the ego stroke. She didn't have the sense to realise what she had when she had it. You don't need to dress it up and try to recapture any previous image you had of her. All you need to accept is she has good and bad qualities like the rest of us.

jus_tin4

Hey Op,

Tbh I wouldn't from personal experience, unfortunately you broke up for a reason, and the cheating really just I guess made that more obvious. If you think you need it for closure, well then maybe its what you need,but from your post of saying that thats not the way you want to leave it and thats not how you want to remember her, it sounds like your still clinging onto something thats just not there.

Im currently coming up on a year of the break up with my ex and its still some days a struggle. But these days go and happier days will come. Enjoy your life. If you can't live your life happy on your own, your going to have a hard time when someone else is in it. Thats my two cents anyways!

Good luck with whatever you choose! But just don't let it set you back!

sharkey 25

Hi lads

Firstly I'm fairly sure I'm not over and probably won't be for a while yet although this was my first serious relationship so I'm not fully sure what it means to be over someone. I do still think about her on a daily basis and she is the first thing I think about in the morning , which I suppose is a definite sign that I'm certainly not over her.
One reason I feel like I need to talk to her is to see if she actually feels bad or has any remorse over what she had done, it may turn out that she doesn't but that's something I feel like I need to know. At the time we broke up she totally deflected blame to me and felt like her actions were a result of our relationship being poor. I suppose I felt that I deserved a bit more respect after such a long time together.
What sort of negative impact do ye think meeting up could have? It feels like something I have to do. I don't think she realises that what she done was bad and as if she didn't think much of me because if roles were reversed I dunno if I could live with myself for a long time.

batmanrobin

sharkey 25 wrote: »

Hi lads

Firstly I'm fairly sure I'm not over and probably won't be for a while yet although this was my first serious relationship so I'm not fully sure what it means to be over someone. I do still think about her on a daily basis and she is the first thing I think about in the morning , which I suppose is a definite sign that I'm certainly not over her.
One reason I feel like I need to talk to her is to see if she actually feels bad or has any remorse over what she had done, it may turn out that she doesn't but that's something I feel like I need to know. At the time we broke up she totally deflected blame to me and felt like her actions were a result of our relationship being poor. I suppose I felt that I deserved a bit more respect after such a long time together.
What sort of negative impact do ye think meeting up could have? It feels like something I have to do. I don't think she realises that what she done was bad and as if she didn't think much of me because if roles were reversed I dunno if I could live with myself for a long time.

I appreciate where you're coming from. I understand that you want her to feel some kind of shame or guilt or whatever, so that the situation makes more sense to you. The thing is, she most likely won't be all that cut up about it. She'll justify it as she has already done.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now is to accept what has happened. Make peace with the fact that you'll most likely never get an apology from her. You're going to have to forgive her without the apology. Forgive her in your head and heart and start to move past it.

Fixating on how she wronged you and how much hurt it caused you is a bad road to go down... To easy to get stuck on those feelings and become too negative.

You gotta make peace with it. For you, not for her. Try to focus on letting it go.

Also, she knows what she did was wrong, but with people like that, they'll always make it your fault and they'll never really admit to their part. You won't get an apology and if you do it will be the most half-assed apology you'll ever get!

KikiDee

sharkey 25 wrote: »

Hi lads
What sort of negative impact do ye think meeting up could have? It feels like something I have to do.

I can tell you straight up, you'll come away from it feeling like it just happened all over again. And all the work you've put in since you've broken up will be for nothing. I know you don't think you're moving on or getting over her but you're living your life without her in it. That's part of the process. And yes, I 100% get that you feel it's a half arsed way of living, I still feel like that myself at times. My point is, you're living.

Give it a little more time, until you're a bit stronger in yourself and see if you still want to meet her then.

sharkey 25

batmanrobin wrote: »

I appreciate where you're coming from. I understand that you want her to feel some kind of shame or guilt or whatever, so that the situation makes more sense to you. The thing is, she most likely won't be all that cut up about it. She'll justify it as she has already done.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself right now is to accept what has happened. Make peace with the fact that you'll most likely never get an apology from her. You're going to have to forgive her without the apology. Forgive her in your head and heart and start to move past it.

Fixating on how she wronged you and how much hurt it caused you is a bad road to go down... To easy to get stuck on those feelings and become too negative.

You gotta make peace with it. For you, not for her. Try to focus on letting it go.

Also, she knows what she did was wrong, but with people like that, they'll always make it your fault and they'll never really admit to their part. You won't get an apology and if you do it will be the most half-assed apology you'll ever get!

Thanks for this advice, it makes a lot of sense but it's also seems like the hardest thing to do right now. I know that me letting her know the effect it has had on me and how much it hurt me probably won't make much of a difference. I'm sure in her heart of hearts she knows that her actions were wrong and me being fixated on hearing this is not good for me.
Towards the end of our relationship it was quite hard to express the way I felt or speak honestly for fear of upsetting her because she has a tendency to become quite defensive whenever I would give advice or saying something that she didn't want to hear. For a while before the break up , things with her family and her professional life had not been going great. She had to move back home and I don't think this helped things between us.
Looking back now all the signs were there that she had checked out of our relationship but may have been stringing me along until she finalised her decision.
I realise that it will be myself that will pull myself back to normality and I have to accept that I might not hear an apology or a reason behind something's that happened around the breakup.
It helps reading other people's experiences in similar situations. At the moment I still think about her a lot which can become annoying at times. I can see why meeting her would bring all this back to the fore and might not be of any benefit at all.
What kind of experiences have any of you had when moving on , in terms of new relationships? Did you find that this was something that you felt when it was the right time or did you actively seek this out? At the moment I don't really feel like looking at other women as I'd imagine I would be just trying to replace my ex, but sometimes I would love that feeling of being in a relationship again. I realise that at the moment Im probably not in the right place for it.

batmanrobin

It's going to be tough for a while, OP. You'll have to hang in there and know that in time it will get better. Just don't feed it. If you find yourself thinking about her, try to focus your mind on something else. It's really hard to do, but it will get easier.

I would stay well clear of dating etc. You'd only be doing what your ex did to you - stringing you along. Having been on the other end of the string myself, it is massively unfair and the end result is messy, hurt feelings. Avoid!

Use this time to really focus on yourself. It's a gift. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling but don't feed it too much. Don't spend the whole day moping, allow yourself to feel sad for a few hours but then force yourself to shake it off.

Time is the best healer, but you also have to put the work in.

KikiDee

batmanrobin wrote: »

It's going to be tough for a while, OP. You'll have to hang in there and know that in time it will get better. Just don't feed it. If you find yourself thinking about her, try to focus your mind on something else. It's really hard to do, but it will get easier...

...Use this time to really focus on yourself. It's a gift. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling but don't feed it too much. Don't spend the whole day moping, allow yourself to feel sad for a few hours but then force yourself to shake it off.

It does get easier. I promise you that

And the focusing on yourself...couldn't agree with it more. A lot of the time, people let their relationships define them and tend to lose who they are outside of them. Rediscover who you are without your ex and then maybe look at dating.