Long term Girlfriend's plans to move back home

LegacyUser

Hi all

Going unreg for this

I have been seeing my current gf for almost 7 years now

The discussion of the future has come up several times

She is dead set on moving back to her rural home; having come from a similar area myself i am dead set against it. I hate the idea of being suffocated in rural ireland with no services eg. cable or broadband. Even mobile reception.

I would much prefer the big smoke, as i think it offers a better quality of life for children, more services, more activities to grow as a person.

Yet, she is dead set on moving home and building next to her mother; in a country area only accessable by driving 15 mins on narrow single lane roads.

Not to mention, her mother is a psychopathic borderline-alcoholic; who is ultra-possessive of her only daughter; and I mean Ultra.

What should i do? this issue is keeping me up at night. I posted here as I finally had to tell someone, as it is really getting me down.

TLDR: Long term gf wants to move to rural home next year, I am dead set against it. Do i break up with her?

Neyite

Sounds like she's intent on setting up so as to be her mother's carer down the line. Being from a rural background you probably realise that there tends to be a bit of an assumption that certain offspring will be looking after their folks, and its usually the daughters.

Can I point out that rural areas do have broadband and satellite TV though. She may think that a country upbringing is better for a child. All that is moot now. She is hell-bent on moving there, and you are not -She's not willing to compromise here, though I sense that you would if she was open to the idea? So in this case it makes sense that if you cant do the move with her, that you both part ways.

seamus

This is a decision that both of you need to make. You need to sit down with her and tell her that you don't want to move back to where she wants to go.

Think about what you're willing to compromise - would you live in the nearest town, for example - and present that as an option. Ensure that your reasons for not wanting to go back are clear in your head. You want to be able to express yourself clearly and calmly. Tell her you want to settle down and start a family, but you're not willing to do it there.

No relationship works where one person gets to call the shots. If she's completely intractable on it, then you may have to tell her that you can't go with her if that's her decision.

As hard as it is now, it'll be ten times harder and far more bitter if you move with her and then break up with her after 3 miserable years in the house.

Being in love doesn't mean agreeing on everything and having the same plan for the future. Two people can be completely in love but have different visions of the future that are incompatible. The only solution is to either compromise or move on. Nothing else can work long term.

As Neyite points out, in some families it's taken as a given that when the time comes to settle down, you will build a new house on the family's land and live there till the end of your days. And often they cannot fathom why someone would want to do it any other way. And other people cannot imagine anything worse.

dori_dormer

The main issue I would see about moving so rurally would be job opportunities. Where are yous based now? Could both of you get jobs where she wants to move to?

CaraMay

Op the worry would be that she knows you don't want to go and she's happy to go anyway. You really would need to question her commitment even now if that's the case.

silverharp

everything together it doesnt sound great, your future MIL sounds like a nightmare and it would be better to not have her too close, next door sounds like it would be a huge intrusion on your own relationship and it is possible you would be guilted into catering to your MIL's whims especially if you were given a site. You seem to be in the "any man will do" situation as opposed to building a new life together. normally its a great asset if you have kids to have grandparents nearby but the opposite if they have serious personality disorders.

I dont know what your jobs are but have you worked out how you both slot in to the job market? will you have to do a lot of commuting? once you get used to city living its a big ask to have to move to the back of beyond if your heart is not in it. At the end of the day Dublin puts your other half closer to her mother than living abroad

LegacyUser

I'm coming at it from the opposite angle. I'm going out with a city girl for the last few years and am living in the city myself (Irish city but not Dublin, we don't live together). I've now started to tailor my work experience so that I can look to getting work back where I'm from as I couldn't see myself settling anywhere but back home and building next to home etc. We also have a farm which I very much want to take on part-time also. For me its a far better quality of life in a rural area, especially for bringing up kids and having to drive everywhere is not something that bothers me, thats how I grew up and to be honest I drive most places in the city too.

I haven't really discussed it with my gf bar when we are both drunk but I'm fairly sure she knows that if we are to go the distance (which I want) that she will have to move back to my place (over 2 hours drive from where she is from).

Ursus Horribilis

seamus wrote: »

Think about what you're willing to compromise - would you live in the nearest town, for example - and present that as an option. Ensure that your reasons for not wanting to go back are clear in your head. You want to be able to express yourself clearly and calmly. Tell her you want to settle down and start a family, but you're not willing to do it there.

I think this is the only compromise that could work. Life in rural Ireland isn't always as hellish as you think it is but that's beside the point. Even if your mother in law lived in the centre of Dublin, you'd have a lot of the same problems if you lived next door. From what you've described, she isn't the sort of parent who consciously takes a back seat and doesn't interfere. In-laws like that are a cancer that can destroy relationships. Your negativity towards the location of your future house and towards your mother in law are the sort of thing that could easily poison your relationship and lead to a messy break-up.

If your girlfriend refuses to budge and wants to live beside her mother and nowhere else, then I'm afraid you've got a tough decision to make.

LegacyUser

I think from what you have told us that you both need to compromise. She wants to build a house next to Mammy and is planning to move home next year.

Can I ask has she started to look for a job locally? Has she told you about jobs that would be suitable for you in this area? Has she looked into getting planning premission for a site beside her mother house? Planning premission in rural areas is not always easy to get and the local council can have fees of several thousand to bring services to a site ie water. You could also have to pay the esb a lot to get power into a house here.

Do you know the towns near were she is from well? Do you know the cost of a house their? What are the services like in these towns? Is there a good primary and secondary school in the town? What are the employment prospects like for you and her if you move? Would you be willing to live in a decent town near where she is from?

I can understand why you posted up here. I would think long and hard before moving out of Dublin at the moment to a rural area if you both have decent jobs. Along with this you have told us you don't like the area she is from. I would not be keen on living beside a woman like her mother either. Life can be hard enough with out living in a area you don't like and dealing with inlaws is not always easy either.
You have to decide what you want in this situation. Do you move with her to a near by town if you could both get decent jobs in the area?
Are you willing to drive a long distance to work each day? I would also consider what you both want in the future? Do you both want to get married/have a family? What will happen in this case - will she work part time or stay at home with the baby/children?
I would also ask her where does she see herself in 5 or 10 years time and see if you want the same things as she wants over this time period.

If she is not willing to compromise with you in say moving to one of the local towns it would be a red flag for me. I think long term she would always expect you to do what she wants. The reality is in a relationship there has to be give and take on both side. It you end up doing all the giving eventually your relationship will end.

You have been with her for 7 years. If you find out now she is not willing to compromise for you I would be very honest with her and end the relationship. From what you have told us you see your future in Dublin but you could be willing to make some compromise for her.
The truth is that if she wants you in her life long term she needs to be willing to do the same for you.

freshpopcorn

I think when everybody gets into a relationships and wants to settle down to start a family they think of the ideal area to raise there family.
I'd be one of those people who'd want to build out the country for a better quality of life to raise a family but I know not everybody would agree with me. Generally any relationships I'd be in we'd probably be the same sort of people and want the same thing but if something was going serious I'd be willing to compromise.
Basically you need to sit down with you the girlfriend and talk through everything.
Job: Will they be hard to find.
Transport. Would ye be able to get public transport to work? How long would the commute be?
House. Is it hard to get planning, how would ye finance it.
Family: Chidren, Where would they go to school,

The Princess Bride

For me, the rural aspect, the lanes, the lack of services and the poor broadband aren't the crucial issue here.

backendofnowhere wrote: »

Not to mention, her mother is a psychopathic borderline-alcoholic; who is ultra-possessive of her only daughter; and I mean Ultra

This is the real issue.
If you've noticed it over the 7 years, living miles away, just imagine having it next door to you daily.

Services might change and improve over time, chances are her mother won't.

jimmycrackcorm

backendofnowhere wrote:

I would much prefer the big smoke, as i think it offers a better quality of life for children, more services, more activities to grow as a person.

If I had a choice of spending half my income for half my working life for a 400-500k house in the big smoke vs what I'd pay for building a house in those rural circumstances, then I'd know which I'd choose.

Even if your possible MIL is a dragon, she could be the best thing as a grandma if you have kids.

dori_dormer

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

If I had a choice of spending half my income for half my working life for a 400-500k house in the big smoke vs what I'd pay for building a house in those rural circumstances, then I'd know which I'd choose.

Even if your possible MIL is a dragon, she could be the best thing as a grandma if you have kids.

I seriously doubt the op would want to leave his kids in the care of an alcoholic. That could cause even further tensions down the line with his wife and in laws!

Asmooh

I don't want to be rough but if my girlfriend doesn't want to live here she can find someone else

54and56

I think you should run a mile from this situation. If your gf expects you to help her look after her mother in the middle of nowhere and set up home right next door to her I'd explain clearly and calmly that you won't be joining her and let her make whatever decision she wants with that in mind. You are effectively giving her an ultimatum but try to avoid putting it like that or being confrontational.

Your gf has a tough decision to make so be as understanding as you can and don't make it harder for her whilst at the same time standing firm that you're not moving to the country and not interested in a long distance type relationship.

Not easy for either of you.

bluetomato

Have you ever told your girlfriend that you can't see yourself moving there? It's not clear from your post, you say you posted here as you finally had to tell someone....does that mean outside of your relationship? or have you kept quiet every time that this conversation came up with your girlfriend?

Would you compromise and move to a local town?

I personally disagree that living in the big smoke offers a better quality of life for the children. There are more services and opportunities for sure but do you genuinely take advantage of them? I know several people who say they would never move out of Dublin because of everything available but they literally never go anywhere to take advantage of it.

I agree with the others in relation to your mother in law, she sounds like a complete nightmare and I would be very very nervous about your girlfriend ending up as carer for her if you live so close.

Wompa1

I'm in a different situation. Living in a large US city and I'm set on moving back to Ireland. She was dead set against it until we had our son. I wanted to move to a rural are but I don't think she'd cope well...the city we live in now is larger than Dublin...I'm thinking we'll have to live within 40 minutes of a city.

I'll also be paying for the home. That's my compromise.