Mums partner

LegacyUser

I live with my mum and her partner. I never took to him, but over the years, we've moved on and sling as best we can.. I have a young child and am single mother and while I appreciate the roof over my head so much, I just wish I could afford my own place. My mums partner is very arrogant, hypocritical and likes to be controlling. I feel like I can't relax in my own home when he's there. He's away a lot and I savour these moments. I can't leave anything lying around, if there's something I left on a seat or shoes by the door, even my handbag, he just throws them in the front room, not caring if there were valuables in the bags he's throwing.. Yet, he has no bother leaving things around, dirty dishes, clothes etc.. . It's really starting to bother me as sometimes it's extra stress that I don't need right now.. Don't really know why I'm writing this post just go get it out as I don't want to bother my friends.. He likes to drink a lot and has influenced my mam into it also.. N she doesn't like it.. I can't say anything to him as I know he won't change.. I don't leave the place messy, but as you do in your own home, you leave your bag somewhere,you might drape a jumper on the back of the chair.. I just feel like sometimes he's trying to erase me from the picture.. Anyway.. Just had to get this out..

Rubberchikken

hi
sorry you're experiencing this. home is where we should be able to kick back and relax and be safe.
tbh your mom's partner doesn't sound great but until your mom decides to do something about that there probably isn't much you can do.
have you looked at getting your own place with your child? have you spoken to your mom about the situation? sometimes people are blind totheir partner's faults and it brings such misery to their families. it's very hard for those on the outside to understand a relationship like that but maybe someday she will realise that he may not be the right partner for her.

sorry i have no solid advice/no answer. just want to wish you the best.
good luck

magicmushroom

He obviously resents you being there; he wants to live in peace and alone with his partner and for that, you can't really blame him.

However there's no need for him to be mean to you.

I do think the only option you have here is to move out and find somewhere of your own, I don't know your finances but there is a lot of help out there for single mothers that you could look in to.

LegacyUser

I in no way can afford to move out, which makes me even more down. I would love it.

zef

Hi, It sounds like this issue is really getting you down.
If you have no means and a young child you are entitled to social welfare / social housing, which may be an option for you.
(I moved out of home at 18 because i wasn't happy there, but those were different times with affordable flats and landlords who didn't blink an eye at a Rent Allowance form.)
If I were you I'd start work on a 'plan' to move out. Visit your local community welfare officer and see how much your rent limit would be & put your name on the council housing list.
I'd also go to citizens information and see could you do a course or training in something that interests you, as you may be allowed help with childcare.
I guess if you are Dublin or rural does make a big difference- but I do encourage you to make a plan and start a savings pot. Best wishes OP.

magicmushroom

Sosickofthis wrote: »

I in no way can afford to move out, which makes me even more down. I would love it.

What was the situation - did you already live with you Mam and then the partner moved in, or did your Mam and her partner live together alone and then you moved in?

And do you give them time alone - every one wants and needs time to be alone with their partner, if you're not giving them this then I can see why he acts like you are in the way.

I think Zef gives some good advice, as a single parent with low income you should be entitled to a council house maybe or definitely some kind of rent allowance.
Are you working? Could you start saving up so that in a few months you have a months rent and deposit saved for somewhere?

LegacyUser

I have always lived at home, he moved in years ago, an then I had my baby. I pay childcare of €800 a month. I am left with just enough to pay for travell work, money to parents, my CBT and food. That's working part time and getting help from social welfare. The hours i work don't suit a community creche and my child's father is not supportive.

I give them lots of space. I sit in another room watching tv mainly, they go off and do their own thing, I do my things. I visit my dad every week, so it's not like I'm in their way, he's always been like this. But it's just really getting to me because I just feel like I can't relax any more..

Teyla Emmagan

Are you on the housing list?

CaraMay

How do you pay 800 if you work part time? That seems dear.

I guess he didn't think about what living with a baby day to day is like.

CaraMay

How do you pay 800 if you work part time? That seems dear.

I guess he didn't think about what living with a baby day to day is like.

eviltwin

What does your mum think?

Dial Hard

CaraMay wrote: »

I guess he didn't think about what living with a baby day to day is like.

He moved in before the baby came along.

Yes, he sounds like an unpleasant person, but tbh, I can understand there being some resentment there; presumably both he and the OP's mother are long past the baby-making age themselves and I imagine there could be a bit of "I didn't sign up for this" sentiment there.

HelgaWard

Sosickofthis wrote: »

I pay childcare of €800 a month.

Sosickofthis wrote: »

That's working part time and getting help from social welfare.

€800 per month for part time child care is very expensive. Or maybe you have to pay full time for creche even though you are not working full time? Have you tried sourcing alternative childcare? Also when your child starts the preschool year your costs should come down. Could you start working on a plan now to move out then? By saving the money not spent on child care?

It sound like you wish your Mum's partner would move out. That's not really a solution to your problem, you need to come up with a plan, be it a 1 year, 2 year or even 5 year to get yourself a place of your own, and set out how you are going to make that happen.

Best of luck.

intheclouds

Sosickofthis wrote: »

I visit my dad every week, so it's not like I'm in their way, he's always been like this.

Could you move in with your Dad?

First off I think you need to speak to Citizens Info/Social Welfare and find out exactly what your entitlements are.

You need to get on the housing list (which can be a very long wait so get on it but make alternative plans).

This time that you spend in another room watching telly - use it to learn new skills. You could learn another language or computer skills online for pretty much free and then add these things to your CV.

You need to get a better paid job and get out of there. Thats the bottom line, so you need to figure out how best to achieve that based on your skills and abilities. It might mean studying evenings for a few years or working your way up in a job, but one way or another, you have got to make a plan to get out.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I have a plan in place already, I hope to go back to education in the next few years to enhance my career.

I study part time already and don't even watch TV that much.

I will go to social welfare regarding housing.

I have it all planned out, I know it's possible over time, but it's the feeling of now, this is happening now, and i don't want to feel uncomfortable at home.

I can't help my situation. If I could, I would. I'd be out of there like a shot. But there's no need for him to treat me this way.

My mam doesn't know. I can't talk to her about it.

Anyway, thanks again for your replies.

Keane2baMused

800 euro a month for part time childcare is way over the odds.

Working part time you would be entitled to FIS and HAP/ Rent allowance. The new HAP scheme allows you to retain the allowance while you work, even full time. You Pay 10% of whatever income you have as rent.

If you could reduce your childcare bill (home based childcare is much more affordable) this would leave income to pay rent on one of these schemes.

I think for your own sanity you should try whatever means possible to get your own place. Your mum's partner probably feels you should have long moved on by now and it can't be easy getting along when there is a baby in the house, which inevitably adds pressure.

LegacyUser

OP, you shouldn't be living with your mother when you have a child of your own. Your mother and step dad deserve privacy and their own place.

eviltwin

I think you should address this with him. Chances are you aren't going to be leaving in the short term. I appreciate it's not easy for him but passive aggression isn't helpful. Like it or not your both effectively stuck with each other for now. You both need to find a way to make the best of it.