If you get no attention from lads, does it always mean you're unattractive?

LegacyUser

I'm 21 and I suppose I'm questioning my looks a lot lately. I rarely ever get approached and I don't get "hit" on or even guys trying to talk to me. I suppose I figured if I was attractive I'd have lads after me but I don't. Now I know I could approach guys myself but honestly I'd be too scared, like not knowing how I even look to guys in the first place I just wouldn't have the confidence to do it. I'd be worried they would be thinking what does this ugly girl think she's doing talking to me.

Friends and family say I'm very pretty but everyone knows they kind of have to say it. The only thing I can actually say is I do seem to get stared at and lads do double takes but I've no clue if this is because I look ugly or what. It's not in my head either, people I've been with in public will tell me after that I had a lot of guys looking at me even If I didn't notice it myself. The only other occasions I can think of are I've got whistled at a few times but again I don't know if they're mocking me or not. Other than that I've had no verbal judgement from guys, no guy telling me I'm pretty or anything.

I know you can't really tell without a picture but I suppose I'm looking for advice and opinions on this or if anyone has been in the same situation. Thanks.

bee06

In my experience people don't tell you you're pretty unless you actually are. I certainly don't.

I didn't have guys chatting me up much either when I was younger. I was shy and lacked confidence and I think that was very obvious. Generally lack of confidence isn't attractive. It took me a long time to accept the fact that I wasn't ugly. Now I'm not drop dead gorgeous by any means but I'm not ugly. Of course my husband thinks I'm the most beautiful woman on the planet

I suppose what I'm trying to say in a round about way is you have to have confidence in yourself first and the rest will follow. Don't tie your self worth up in what men think about you (or what you perceive they think).

JuliusCaesar

The most physically attractive (conventionally good-looking) people aren't always the most fun to be around, or even the most enjoyable company. A good-looking person's attractiveness can wear off fast if they aren't actually likeable. That's why self-confidence is much more enduringly attractive.

You could try thinking more about whether you like them, rather than worrying if they find you attractive. But that is difficult for many women, given the fact that they are brought up with every message from the media emphasising the need to enhance their physical appearance as if that's the only thing that matters.

Rachiee

I'd say you need to come to terms with your own looks, you have a mirror photographs why are you deciding if you are pretty based on how men see you? their opinion is worthless, whether some guys fancy you or not doesn't change your actual physical appearance one jot.
Look at yourself in the mirror and find things you like about yourself, actually stare at yourself make eye contact, it sounds like you really need to build your self esteem, you can't find that in a guy.
It's natural to feel insecure if you don't seem to be "pulling" and question why and try find flaws with ourselves but sometimes we are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
but really what I suspect is happening Is that because you don't feel beautiful you won't notice a lad doing his best to impress you, or you don't feel worthy so you give off standoffish vibes, until you feel beautiful this will keep happening so I'd say really what you need to do is work on yourself, there is beauty in everyone you just need to find yours, don't let someone else tell you where it is because you'll just end up not believing them.

bee06

Rachiee wrote: »

Look at yourself in the mirror and find things you like about yourself, actually stare at yourself make eye contact, it sounds like you really need to build your self esteem, you can't find that in a guy

This is really good advice. I find people spend so much time focusing on the negatives they see they miss all the positives.

LegacyUser

Hey op here. thanks for the reply guys. Confidence is kind of a big issue for me so that part is true. Some days I feel fairly confident in how I look and other days it could be the opposite. Now don't get me wrong I know it's not all about looks, personality is a fairly big part too. It's just I suppose I felt a lot of guys judge solely based on looks before even getting to know you and I'm not really sure where I stand with guys. I personally don't think I'm ugly or whatever but I'm not sure if I'd be attractive to guys. And I suppose I'm comparing myself to other females my age and how much attention they get. Like even when I do feel confident enough in my looks I still don't really get attention.

beks101

You do get attention though OP. You've said guys stare at you, do double takes etc. That's attention.

I'm assuming you live in Ireland. Men don't cold-approach in Ireland much like you see in the movies, it's just not a culture that Ireland has embraced. They'll double take or stare or if they've had a bit of dutch courage in a pub/club and you give them enough encouragement, they might come up and try for a chat. They won't stop you while you're on the street, tell you you're beautiful and ask for your number.

More to the point, that's not the kind of validation you should be looking for. You're setting yourself up for a decade of misery and insecurity if you don't get out of this habit of looking to men to tell you how attractive you are. Some will like you, some will not. Many will trample all over you if you depend on them as a sole source of reassurance about who you are and what you're worth.

I'm almost ten years older than you and my biggest regret in my life is the amount of time I wasted worrying about what other people thought of me. The amount of opportunities I missed out on because of my own insecurities. Life is bloody hard enough as it is without walking through it with this massive question mark over your own head, waiting for the next chance to feel like crap about yourself.

I spent most of my 20s dating all sorts of fellas and I'll tell you this one truth - men will respond far more to your actions and your behaviours than they will your looks. It's as simple as walking into a pub with your head down and meek body language - one or two might look, most will steer clear. Or walking in with a smile on your face, making eye contact and sparking conversation with anyone and everyone - you'll be batting them off. It's a cliche but confidence is everything. Walking into a room knowing you're a pretty, smart, deadly human being versus walking in and waiting for the room to tell you who you are. This is life changing stuff.

Take control of your life here. See someone you like? Go and say hello, introduce yourself, smile. Don't stand there quietly hoping and praying that he'll see you and then berating yourself for not being smoking hot when he doesn't. I'll repeat - some men will like you, some won't. Most will ignore you if you don't like yourself very much and your body language reflects that.

Halfprice

U can be also to good looking an lads dobt think they have a chance either..

Mr. Incognito

When i went out i would find the most beautiful girls and say hello.

I often found they had very low self esteem because lads were intimidated to approach them and their mates who were less attractive had loads of attention.

Anyway as beks said, its not about external validation its internal.

Mr. Incognito

When i went out i would find the most beautiful girls and say hello.

I often found they had very low self esteem because lads were intimidated to approach them and their mates who were less attractive had loads of attention.

Anyway as beks said, its not about external validation its internal.