Am I being unfair in feeling this way?

LegacyUser

Basically my story is this: I became ill a year ago and since then and for the forseeable future I am housebound. The whole illness and situation has been hard on my partner and our kids. Our lives have changed dramatically from what it was. So yesterday my parents asked if they can take the kids away on a sun holiday in July. This is a very kind gesture on my parents part and I love them for it. They feel that the kids could do with a break away and after the year they've had, I fully agree but deep inside I'm screaming no no no. We haven't been on a family holiday yet and I suppose I wanted to be the one to take them away first. I wanted to be the one that saw their excitement at going on a plane or getting to their first waterpark etc.

My partner is fine with it as he knows the kids will have a ball and that my parents will take good care of them. He says the situation isn't ideal but it is what it is.

I haven't voiced my feelings to anyone as I don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful but I haven't been able to get these feelings out of my head since we told my parents to go ahead and book away.

How would you guys feel in the same situation and am I being totally selfish in my thoughts?

freshpopcorn

I'd say let the kids go for a few reasons.
They'll enjoy themselves.
You and your partner will have a bit of a break as well as the kids.
Your Kids will still be excited when they'll go on holidays with you.
It will give them a happy memory of there grandparents in years to come.

Sunny Dayz

That's a lovely things for your parents to do.


I can understand though you feeling like you will be missing out. We could only afford in the last few years to go abroad, the first time we brought our young lad he just loved it, had a ball. But he still looks forward to each holiday with excitement, with kids the novelty of a sun holiday doesn't wear off.


Maybe you could suggest to your kids to find out all the things to do where they go, eg what to do in the airport, what the beach is like, what the best rides are in the waterpark etc - and perhaps when you are well in the future you could return there as a family and your kids can lead the way!

LegacyUser

Whilst you mightn't see them in person, they'll probably be all excited to phone/Skype/send you photos & include you that way? It's probably been a tough year on them too,& this is a chance for them really & truly be carefree kids again.

Shrap

Yeah, I totally get your feelings about that. Both my kids have different Dads and my eldest has been taken abroad for sun holidays THREE times in his 17 years, while my youngest hasn't been taken anywhere abroad. I couldn't afford to bring them away anywhere. I've felt a bit gutted about that tbh, and while I was delighted for my eldest, I still had a massive hang-up about not seeing him enjoy himself It was a bit sour/sweet alright.

That said, this year (due to an inheritance) is the first opportunity I've ever had to bring them both away as a family and I can't wait. Neither can the boys, and my eldest has said it'll be a proper family holiday. Because of this, I'm thinking your kids will still feel it is their first family holiday when you and their Dad get to go away with them OP. Hope your health allows that soon....

LynnGrace

I think your reaction is very natural, and understandable.

It's a lovely offer from your parents, and as you and your partner know that they will take good care of your children, I would say, let them go, with a smile on your face, even if you feel sad inside.

I hope that your health improves, and, in the future, you will still have the first family holiday, when all of you can go.

Wishing you all the best.

CaraMay

Ah it will be a fabulous memory for them in years to come. My happiest childhood memories are times with my grandparents.

Definitely let them go.

Keane2baMused

Let them go. This is about your children and unfortunately as parents sometimes we have to just smile and nod even if it nearly breaks our hearts to do so. They will have a ball and remember the holiday forever and that is what matters most. The doing it 'first' thing is not important. That's something I have come to realise over the years.

I hope your health improves, wishing you all the best.

Rachiee

Your feelings are completely natural it is so disappointing to not be able to do the first Sun holiday, as another poster said try to involve yourself as much as possible in the planning so will see their excitement then. Hopefully your health will improve and you'll go on holidays together as a family in the future. I know when I was a kid if anything really exciting happened I couldn't wait to get home to tell my mam show art photos etc so remember you will have that sense of joy and excitement when they come back too they won't be able to contain themselves telling you all about it.
I'm sure it will be sad for you the morning they leave, don't let it show to them, but talk to your husband about it afterwards (he may be feeling the same way) and then do something really nice for yourselves even if it's just cuddling under a blanket with chocolates watching an old movie.
Don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling i think I'd feel the same way.

Rubberchikken

it's completely natural imo to want to do these things yourself. but if you're unwell and unable instead of looking at it in a negative way, see the positive.
they are with people who love them and will take care of them. they'll have a ball:) and you can rest and relax (a little:) knowing this.
imagine their excitment coming home to tell you all their news and show you all the photos.

they will, hopefully, be plenty of opportunities in the future for you to take them on holidays.
i'm not saying that leaving them go will be easy, even for a week, but sometimes we have to put their needs first.

good luck with deciding and get well soon.

Rubberchikken

it's completely natural imo to want to do these things yourself. but if you're unwell and unable instead of looking at it in a negative way, see the positive.
they are with people who love them and will take care of them. they'll have a ball:) and you can rest and relax (a little:) knowing this.
imagine their excitment coming home to tell you all their news and show you all the photos.

they will, hopefully, be plenty of opportunities in the future for you to take them on holidays.
i'm not saying that leaving them go will be easy, even for a week, but sometimes we have to put their needs first.

good luck with deciding and get well soon.

Scarinae

I don't think it is an uncommon reaction, so don't beat yourself up about it! The first time I went on a plane was when I was 10 with my aunt, uncle and cousins who live in another European country, they visited us in Ireland and then I went back with them for a holiday. I remember my Mum being upset that she wasn't with me the first time I got to fly, but when I was a kid we just weren't in a financial position to go on family holidays. I took photos though and sent a postcard to my family.

I don't have children myself so I can't offer anything from a parent's perspective but I thought it might help to know that other people would feel the same way and it doesn't mean that you're a terrible person or that you're unfair. Your feelings are your feelings, the only thing you can control is how you react to those feelings. Your kids will have a great time on this holiday, and it definitely won't take away from their enjoyment of any future holidays as a family. I hope your health improves soon OP, wishing you all the best.

loalae

I don't think you're being unfair in feeling that way and perhaps what you need is to be able to express it and for your feelings to be acknowledged but not acted on. So could you speak to your partner about how your feel without looking to change the plans for the children?

It sounds like you really want to be able to provide a holiday for the children but right now isn't the time for it. I know that you don't want to deprive the children of the opportunity (and that's really lovely of you) but your feelings of disappointment are also important so if you think your partner will he able to listen to you and support you in your disappointment speak to him.

LegacyUser

Your feelings are normal and you should feel comfortable enough to voice them to your partner. I wouldn't say anything, except "thank you", to your parents though. My first sun holiday was my honeymoon! The first time I was on a plane I was 22, and without my mam . As parents, I think we can be a bit over protective of our children and wanting to be part of everything in their lives but as another person mentioned, being there for all the 'firsts' doesn't matter. Your children's lives are that, theirs. You should be excited for them to be given this fantastic opportunity, not upset for yourself for missing it.

You're not being selfish. You're being an 'Irish Mammy'! But there's nothing wrong with that, because we all know we're the best mammies in the world!! Talk to your partner. Have him reassure you.

LegacyUser

I completely understand and I would feel the exact same way. Could you explain how you feel to your parents while letting them know how grateful you are for them to offer such a generous thing. Suggest that they could bring them somewhere here in Ireland? It would probably be a lot cheaper, it is still a break away for the kids and your parents will still feel like they are helping. There are loads of places to go here. They could even start in one place such as Dingle for a few days, go to the aquarium and go see Funghi. Then Tralee for a day or two and go to Aquadome. Then move on to say Killarney for another day or two, and they're all commutes that can be done in a car. Obviously the activities would depend on what ages your kids are but there's plenty to do here in various different parts of the country for all ages. They could even leave the car at home and plan a trip where they take the train if that would be more exciting. I think your parents will understand when they think about how they would feel if your grandparents were the first to do something with you when you were a child. And so long as you approach the conversation in the right way and soon so that they won't already have a sun holiday booked it shouldn't cause a problem.

BUBBLES1978

if your friend was in your situation what would you say to them..

This is not only a great opportunity for your children but also for the grandparents to spend time with them. i have allowed my parents to take my son on holidays when i couldn't attend myself and he has always come back smiling from ear to ear.

let them go and have fun and enjoy the holiday and you can have the time with your partner while they are away

LegacyUser

I'd feel the same wrote: »

I completely understand and I would feel the exact same way. Could you explain how you feel to your parents while letting them know how grateful you are for them to offer such a generous thing. Suggest that they could bring them somewhere here in Ireland? It would probably be a lot cheaper, it is still a break away for the kids and your parents will still feel like they are helping. There are loads of places to go here. They could even start in one place such as Dingle for a few days, go to the aquarium and go see Funghi. Then Tralee for a day or two and go to Aquadome. Then move on to say Killarney for another day or two, and they're all commutes that can be done in a car. Obviously the activities would depend on what ages your kids are but there's plenty to do here in various different parts of the country for all ages. They could even leave the car at home and plan a trip where they take the train if that would be more exciting. I think your parents will understand when they think about how they would feel if your grandparents were the first to do something with you when you were a child. And so long as you approach the conversation in the right way and soon so that they won't already have a sun holiday booked it shouldn't cause a problem.

I honestly think this is a really terrible idea. You'd be taking a great experience away from your kids, in order to make you feel better, and also making your parents feel bad, when they're trying to do a lovely thing for your kids & you (ie give you a break).

ManOfMystery

Your kids are young and there will be many occasions over the next few years when you're going to be emotional and tearful at them going somewhere - their first school trip, leaving to live somewhere else for Uni, and so on. Those are normal reactions.

However it's not fair on your kids to be resentful of the fact that their first major holiday will not be with you. I totally understand where you're coming from and I can empathise with your situation, but ultimately I think this is one of those situations where you just bite your lip, suck it up and let them get on with it. Share it with your husband if you must vent, but don't let your kids (or their grandparents) feel in any way guilty for wanting to have a break.

Remember, this hasn't just been a hard year for you, there will have been an impact on your family also and I'm sure the kids deserve a break from whatever tensions have arisen in the house due to the circumstances. I would bet my last dollar that when they arrive back full of excitement and stories about their holiday, you'll have a ball hearing about it all from them.

Also, I may be on my own here but I barely remember my 'first' family holiday. I remember big holidays to Disneyworld and the really memorable ones, but at that age there's no important attached to what order they happen to come in. Make yourself a resolution that when you are well enough to take the kids away yourself, you'll make it memorable with a capital M.

Don't restrict your parents generosity

Don't restrict your parents generosity wrote: »

I honestly think this is a really terrible idea. You'd be taking a great experience away from your kids, in order to make you feel better, and also making your parents feel bad, when they're trying to do a lovely thing for your kids & you (ie give you a break).

Not to mention the fact that the OP has already told her parents to go ahead and book the holiday.

OP, you're not being unfair feeling this way but you've done the right thing by agreeing to let your parents take the kids on holiday. They'll have fantastic memories with their grandparents who, let's face it, won't be around forever.