Can't get over it

donfers

A work colleague mentioned the James Bulger case a few days ago. I remember I was a youngster when it happened and how upset my mom was about it. I researched the details and now we have a problem......I can't stop imagining his ordeal on his last day and what he went through. I just keep thinking of him crying and calling for his mother as they battered him over and over again. He would fall down and get up again and they would batter him some more and do other horrible things to a boy not yet 3. And then just leaving him there to die alone.

I imagine what James felt on that day, he had only known a loving family until then. His confusion, his pain, his suffering, his screams unanswered, his utter bewilderment as to why they were doing it to him and why his parents weren't there to rescue him. I am not really an emotional person nor am I depressed but this has been in my head for the last few days and I can't seem to reconcile myself with. There is no consolation. Yes his ordeal is over, yes if you believe in an afterlife hopefully he will meet with his family again, yes he knew love for most of his life until he met evil on that day and yes there are thousands of kids who are exposed to cruelty and evil all around the world. But I can't seem to get over that he went through that terrible terrible experience and that will never change, we will never change what happened, that experience happened to him and I can't get over it. It is affecting my job and my sleep and I keep feeling like I'm about to burst out crying. I just need to find some way to come to terms with it but I know I will never change that James went through that horror and it kills me.

5rtytry56

Contact your GP OP.

OP, may I ask how you are in other aspects of your life?

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi
I am really sorry to hear your story. Yes I know it was terrible what he went through and I believe its a disgrace that even to this day nobody has ever been charged with his murder. But that was 23 years ago. You should really get it out of your head and start focusing on now. My advice to you would be to contact your GP and discuss how you feel with him or her and maybe be prescribed with medication to help you cope. You should also attend conselling and that might help you get over it. You can ask for a refferal by your GP and remember you can also call the Samartians on 116123 24/7 free of charge and talk things through with them. Remember help is there when you need it just dont be afraid to ask. There are people out there who will listen and help.

donfers

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, may I ask how you are in other aspects of your life?

Pretty good - I don't know why this case is just sticking with me. We all know it was despicable what happened to little James but my mind is replaying what he may have gone through. It's as if I ignore the reality of what happened and get on with things I am betraying him and what happened. It's like I have to understand the full horror of it before I can accept it and move on but I am having a hard time imagining what happened and how much suffering he went through.

donfers

donfers wrote: »

Pretty good - I don't know why this case is just sticking with me. We all know it was despicable what happened to little James but my mind is replaying what he may have gone through. It's as if I ignore the reality of what happened and get on with things I am betraying him and what happened. It's like I have to understand the full horror of it before I can accept it and move on but I am having a hard time imagining what happened and how much suffering he went through.

The reason I ask donfers is because sometimes when we are living our lives out of nowhere we can find ourselves obsessing about something which has no bearing on us whatsoever. The event can be a symbol for something deeper which has now been activated.

So it's a little like a person holding a lot of anger inside. It doesn't interfere with their life. They are functioning and stable human beings. Then one day a driver bumps of the back of their car. They explode. The anger has found it's way out.

Perhaps you are holding on to something which needs a release. Speak to your doctor. There is nothing wrong with feeling sadness and empathy at terrible circumstances but at the level you are describing I would talk to someone.

LegacyUser

Eh....actually I can related to you OP.
Not specifically about that case (although I'm not going to lie, I couldn't read your post in detail because it was too upsetting) but yes.I have had a phase of this recently.
The thing about me is that I became a mother 19 months ago, to a little girl that I love more than anything.And the Syrian refugee thing really struck home with me.Badly, the way you are thinking about that case.That, and the Madeleine McCann case.God, they just took on a meaning that they never did before.And I found myself in tears most nights as I put my little one to bed, imagining all those poor kids and wondering how on earth I would ever go on if I was in the place of the McCanns....or any other parents in that position.I find myself imagining the type of detail you describe amd getting desperately upset by it.
I know from past experience that I have a tendency to think repetitively about things and I try to stop it when it starts.I am also 8 months pregnant and I was particularly emotional in the months leading up to Christmas.But asides from that, yes, I do dwell on stories like that a bit much.It can be stopped but you have to make yourself stop thinking about it.
The thing is that I think we have become very desensitised to bad stories like this, and the reality is that if we truly thought and felt about every bad story we see in the news every day, we'd crumple under the stress of it.The world is not nice.But all we can do is cling to hope-and belief- in the general goodness of people, and trust that the majority of people on this planet are good and decent.We are constantly saturated with bad stuff and it's hard to get past it sometimes.
You need to stop yourself thinking about this...literally, stop those thoughts when they start.It's out of your control, it's long gone and you have to just trust that karma will have its way in the end.Stay away from the internet on this one.And if you can't stop these thoughts, I think you should go and visit your GP, just for some help and direction in how you are thinking, because it can become a habit to think like this and it can have a bad effect on your life.

Neyite

Donfers, some time ago, back in my twenties, I read a biography written by one of the police psychologists on that case. No details spared really. And it was a horrific crime. Really horrific.

There is no way that I could read that book today. That's even without now being a mum to a boy the same age as James was. I think if I read it now, I'd get sick with the horror of it. And I think that's what you are feeling now. The utter horror of what must have occurred to that tiny child. Same with the Baby P case, absolute evil was commited. When that one came out in the news, I was struggling to get pregnant and the story hit me hard. The day that picture of the drowned boy went viral I cried for about an hour solid, staring at my laptop. Like you, thinking about the terror of their last moments was unbearable. Still is.

Part of it was when I had a baby myself but its not down to that fully. I think its also down to us getting older and feeling more and more empathy towards people who are hurting - and that's not a bad thing, is it? I don't have an answer on how to stop thinking about the case, or to stop feeling because I've been there too. Is there a way that you could channel your feelings to something concrete - like volunteer for a charity that protects children?

donfers

Neyite wrote: »

Donfers, some time ago, back in my twenties, I read a biography written by one of the police psychologists on that case. No details spared really. And it was a horrific crime. Really horrific.

There is no way that I could read that book today. That's even without now being a mum to a boy the same age as James was. I think if I read it now, I'd get sick with the horror of it. And I think that's what you are feeling now. The utter horror of what must have occurred to that tiny child. Same with the Baby P case, absolute evil was commited. When that one came out in the news, I was struggling to get pregnant and the story hit me hard. The day that picture of the drowned boy went viral I cried for about an hour solid, staring at my laptop. Like you, thinking about the terror of their last moments was unbearable. Still is.

Part of it was when I had a baby myself but its not down to that fully. I think its also down to us getting older and feeling more and more empathy towards people who are hurting - and that's not a bad thing, is it? I don't have an answer on how to stop thinking about the case, or to stop feeling because I've been there too. Is there a way that you could channel your feelings to something concrete - like volunteer for a charity that protects children?

Thanks for your reply. It's funny you should suggest that as I am so devastated by this I was ready to walk out of my job yesterday. I went onto the ISPCC site going straight to their careers section but no vacancies unfortunately. The NSPCC in the UK have roles available but that would require me me moving girlfriend and daughter across to UK owing to my obsessional thoughts (and of course getting the job). I just am heart-broken that what he went through will never change, will never unhappen and doubly heart-broken that there may be other cases like this happening that I may never know about or be able to do anything about.

Merkin

I cannot physically read any stories relating to child neglect or abuse either. When I see headlines relating to Baby P or Daniel Pelka I genuinely have to skip them because the horror is incomprehensible. I remember in the first few weeks after my baby boy was born I was overwhelmed with acute awareness of just how vulnerable and precious he was and as a parent this is all encompassing. The Bolger case affected me too but like Neyite, since having a child, I couldn't bear to read too much into it.

Your thoughts show that you have empathy and that you are a good person. In the first instance I would try some meditation. Apps like Headspace are good for the beginner. If you find that these thoughts are intrusive and simply not going away then I'd advise seeing a GP.

njs030

Ryan Mac Sweeney wrote: »

I believe its a disgrace that even to this day nobody has ever been charged with his murder.

Apart from the two 10 year olds who went to prison?? It was a pretty high profile case.


Op you need some help from a gp, it's a very old case and even the people in the area have moved on. There's a name for that type of depression, it's German and I can't remember it but it means world sadness. It's when a person grieves too deeply and too much for events that don't affect them.
Of course it's very sad but your reaction (23 years later) and going over and over the details might be a sign of deeper problems.

Please see someone asap.

Neyite

donfers wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. It's funny you should suggest that as I am so devastated by this I was ready to walk out of my job yesterday. I went onto the ISPCC site going straight to their careers section but no vacancies unfortunately. The NSPCC in the UK have roles available but that would require me me moving girlfriend and daughter across to UK owing to my obsessional thoughts (and of course getting the job). I just am heart-broken that what he went through will never change, will never unhappen and doubly heart-broken that there may be other cases like this happening that I may never know about or be able to do anything about.

I was thinking of Irish ones along the lines of Childline, Barnados, or youth groups that might feel like you are giving back somewhat. Recently I looked into volunteering with a couple of charities that interest me but its something I have to put off for a couple of years.

You are seeing it with fresh eyes. That's why the horror of it has hit you hard. Most of the details of the case were suppressed in the media at the time as being too horrific to describe on the news or in newspapers, and even the little that there was, your parents might have shielded you depending on your age back then. It's only with the passage of time that those kind of details have emerged. But I agree, quitting your job would be a disproportionate response to a 23 years old crime, and you do need to find ways to distract your mind from those thought processes when they happen.

eviltwin

Tbh speaking as someone working in trauma its probably best not to look into working or volunteering in that area unless you can be sure you are not going to take the burden of what you hear on your shoulders. Its important that what you deal with stays in the office and that you don't take it home with you. If you are struggling with the details of a case that is over 20 yrs old you have to ask yourself will you be mentally able to deal with cases happening in the here and now especially if those people are in front of you.

eviltwin

eviltwin wrote: »

Tbh speaking as someone working in trauma its probably best not to look into working or volunteering in that area unless you can be sure you are not going to take the burden of what you hear on your shoulders. Its important that what you deal with stays in the office and that you don't take it home with you. If you are struggling with the details of a case that is over 20 yrs old you have to ask yourself will you be mentally able to deal with cases happening in the here and now especially if those people are in front of you.

I can't agree with this post enough.
OP I would be extremely hesitant to get involved with any volunteering in the area of trauma or similar.

LegacyUser

For what it's worth, when I was considering career options in my late teens/early twenties, that is the big reason that I wrote off most medical careers,particularly anything to do with social work, psychology etc.I just felt, even then, that I would take too much of it home, that emotionally I woukd invest too much in the individuals and their situations.
It's not that I don't care.I do care.Desperately.But I care so much that I want to fix all of the world's problems everywhere and I can't.And a tiny piece of me feels that I would be totally swamped by the emotion of trying.
Which is why, now, like other posters, I find myself avoiding stories and headlines and news that describe things that I feel I just won't be able to cope with.Some people are able to cope better than others, but I myself struggle with coping with the world somedays.
The German word is Weltschmerz, btw.

donfers

eviltwin wrote: »

Tbh speaking as someone working in trauma its probably best not to look into working or volunteering in that area unless you can be sure you are not going to take the burden of what you hear on your shoulders. Its important that what you deal with stays in the office and that you don't take it home with you. If you are struggling with the details of a case that is over 20 yrs old you have to ask yourself will you be mentally able to deal with cases happening in the here and now especially if those people are in front of you.

Well thankfully the Bulger case is not an everyday case. Also it's not so much that I am squeamish or likely to break down when confronted with horror stories about child abuse, rather the crux of the issue for me is the powerlessness to prevent these things from happening in the first place, to alleviate the suffering in some way.

donfers

Deleted User wrote: »

I can't agree with this post enough.
OP I would be extremely hesitant to get involved with any volunteering in the area of trauma or similar.

and now in my opinion we're starting to go a little off topic, I've seen this kind of preachy and slightly point-scoring type narrative play out in this kind of arena before and have no wish to continue down the road of debating my suitability for working in a particular sector (introduced to the debate by another poster, not you). Regardless of the perceived validity or relevance of the points raised it is not something that I am interested in discussing as it is not in any way helpful to dealing with my current situation.

Thanks for everybody's help and advice - I'll continue to try to solve this.

donfers

donfers wrote: »

and now in my opinion we're starting to go a little off topic, I've seen this kind of preachy and slightly point-scoring type narrative play out in this kind of arena before and have no wish to continue down the road of debating my suitability for working in a particular sector (introduced to the debate by another poster, not you). Regardless of the perceived validity or relevance of the points raised it is not something that I am interested in discussing as it is not in any way helpful to dealing with my current situation.

Thanks for everybody's help and advice - I'll continue to try to solve this.

OP my post was written with the best of intention. I have no idea what you mean about point scoring. I agreed with the other poster's opinion regarding you working in the area.

You are in distress over an event which occurred many years ago. It was an absolutely horrible crime. If you were to volunteer in an area which would bring you in to contact with children or adults who have suffered then it might be incredibly overwhelming for you in your current state.

One practical thing you could do to alleviate your distress would be to take pen to paper and write down your feelings. It's a very simple act but may prove cathartic. I do believe that you should have a chat with someone who will help you work out why you are experiencing this level of distress.

eviltwin

donfers wrote: »

and now in my opinion we're starting to go a little off topic, I've seen this kind of preachy and slightly point-scoring type narrative play out in this kind of arena before and have no wish to continue down the road of debating my suitability for working in a particular sector (introduced to the debate by another poster, not you). Regardless of the perceived validity or relevance of the points raised it is not something that I am interested in discussing as it is not in any way helpful to dealing with my current situation.

Thanks for everybody's help and advice - I'll continue to try to solve this.

Like Persepoly I'm not trying to rain on your parade. Its not about point scoring. Its about making sure that you take care of yourself first and foremost. No one really knows what their own triggers are, there are many stories of child abuse and for some reason this has hit a nerve with you. It may be because of the brutality of the crime but it may be something else. Its worth finding out what that is because while its normal to feel revulsion, anger, sadness at this case its not normal to carry it around with you.

Merkin

donfers wrote: »

and now in my opinion we're starting to go a little off topic, I've seen this kind of preachy and slightly point-scoring type narrative play out in this kind of arena before and have no wish to continue down the road of debating my suitability for working in a particular sector (introduced to the debate by another poster, not you). Regardless of the perceived validity or relevance of the points raised it is not something that I am interested in discussing as it is not in any way helpful to dealing with my current situation.

Thanks for everybody's help and advice - I'll continue to try to solve this.

I think thats a little unfair, I don't think there's any point scoring type narrative at all, merely good advice.

donfers

Apologies for over-reacting and certainly the writing suggestion is a good idea. I have spoken to my girlfriend about this as she asked why I was so distressed last night and I told her but didn't go into details on the case or even name the child as I knew she would research it if I did and it would upset her. Just re-imagining his last moments and the brutality of what happened and what was going through his head is what is difficult for me to process or get over at the moment.

Thanks for all your contributions,the only small consolation I have is that his suffering is now ever but that it happened at all and that it can never unhappen is something I have not yet been able to deal with or accept. I may look for a CBT therapist if this continues to affect me to this extent into next week and beyond, I fear I will be unable to ever come to terms with it.

ivytwine

OP, I've a friend who ended up in Ireland's truly nightmarish care system. Luckily she had a good foster mother and today she's working, in a relationship, renting a house... All that good stuff. I mention her because at one point she wanted to go into social work. But she didn't- as far as I'm aware she felt that she would get too close and it would bring her old memories back. Another friend is a physio... Which we associate with fixing up young sportspeople, but there's also a palliative element to it. She ended up doing a placement in a hospice, and the poor girl came straight from work to bed at 4pm every day (she did day shifts and it was 10 min walk from where she lived). It affected her a lot.

Nobody is saying you can't volunteer, but you see how these people would have brought their work home, and this case has affected you so much that it's likely confronted by a living child in pain would affect you deeply. Perhaps you could fundraise or similar?

The Jamie Bulger case is one I cannot deal with either. I'm a tough enough cookie but i have a few things I cannot read or hear too much about and the story of that beautiful little boy is one of them. It's just beyond the beyond.

I do think that it's important to note that- as far as I know- there has never been any implication of neglect on the part of Jamie's parents. They were just terribly, terribly unlucky. Of course you could argue that if his killers had a better chance in life it may not have happened. But I'm of the view that lots of kids have a ****ty life and they don't do stuff like that. So unfortunately you volunteering for a children's charity may not prevent another case like this.

And that's what it comes down to, doesn't it? We're always told things will work out, and even if something bad happens, it'll pass and we'll be fine again soon. For most of us it does, most of us die naturally and have good lives. But things like this shatter that illusion, because sometimes the worst thing does happen.

Rubberchikken

i remember the case clearly. then i only heard about it on tv/radio and in the paper. i didn't have access to the internet which i think can give too much information at times, especially in horrific cases such as this childs.
it was awful and the horror of it happening to a child should never leave our society. it should be a reminder to raise our kids to have empathy and be kind and caring, not the brutal people that the children who took his life were. and through no fault of thir own. the adults in their lives had to bear a lot of the responsibility for how they turned out.

you sound like a kind person and this story will always evoke a sad response from people, it was just horrible.
take care

Neyite

When I suggested volunteering I didn't mean the OP throwing themselves into cases where children have been badly hurt and trying to help. It was more along the lines of maybe a volunteer peer group for kids from disadvantaged areas, or fund-raising for Barnardos or ISPCC. Doing a 5k run. That sort of thing.

Aside from the fact that you'd understandably have to be heavily vetted for any roles with direct contact with severely traumatised children, you'd also need extensive training and qualifications in that area, and I'm sure they would take your ability to cope with dealing with that trauma into account too. So its not like anyone can walk into a role like that, and I certainly was not suggesting that the OP does.

silverharp

Op people have seen distressing news events in the past and set up charities , in your case it is debilitating you, you need to let it go. A suggestion and it might sound corny but if you live in Dublin for example head down to glendalough this weekend and climb one of the peaks, bring something symbolic like a flower or helium balloon and leave it/let it go at the top it might give you a cathartic moment. You can follow this up by making a donation to one of the child line charities , say 50 or 100 Euros . you then might be able to give yourself a break having actually done something.

donfers

silverharp wrote: »

Op people have seen distressing news events in the past and set up charities , in your case it is debilitating you, you need to let it go. A suggestion and it might sound corny but if you live in Dublin for example head down to glendalough this weekend and climb one of the peaks, bring something symbolic like a flower or helium balloon and leave it/let it go at the top it might give you a cathartic moment. You can follow this up by making a donation to one of the child line charities , say 50 or 100 Euros . you then might be able to give yourself a break having actually done something.

Thanks for that practical suggestion, I keep replaying his final ordeal in my head, it's the first thing I think about when I wake up and with my constantly. I keep doing it so that I can eventually come to terms with it. I am not one of these people who try to block something our or "not go there" as that strengthens the power of the thought. I may do that with my daughter weather permitting but still the thoughtsI fear, will stay with me. For example I am obsessively researching in the hope that I find something to cling to, like that he was unconscious during a large part of it and didn't suffer so much but it's hard to know exactly how accurate the testimony of the two killers are.

I hope this will fade in time but again I keep returning to the fact that this will never "unhappen", that it occurred and that the little boy endured unimaginable suffering. That will always be true no matter how I try to deal with this or what strategies I use to cope.

kylith

donfers wrote: »

am not one of these people who try to block something our or "not go there" as that strengthens the power of the thought.

Honestly, I disagree. What you are doing now is strengthening the thought, you are obsessing about this. Put it out if your mind, if you find yourself starting to think about it actively do something else that will occupy your mind and stop yourself dwelling on it: listen to loud music and sing along, play with your daughter, teach your dog a new trick, tidy the garage, anything to redirect your train of thought.

Sligo1

OP it's so rare I come on to the personal issues forums (usually when I really have nothing to do)... But this is the first thread I read and by God it struck a chord with me! I'm actually upset thinking about this poor little boy again.

I had these exact thoughts at his last anniversary. I read what happened and I was depressed for days. Sad, down, sometimes deeply solemn then quite distressed at times. This went on for days. I remember absolutely balling crying to my husband and thinking he would think I was some sort of nut job.

Truth is... This has happened to me a few time now since I had my 2 children (2 and 3). Daniel pelka and also when I was pregnant that little Scottish girl who has cerebral palsy (avril I think her name was). I was so distressed and it took days maybe a week or more to finally start feeling normal again. I was never like this prior to having kids.

I think it's the fact we now have kids ourselves.and we know how absolutely vulnerable and dependent they're on us. And as another poster put it perfectly... As we get older perhaps weve so much more deep empathy for those around us. Fwiw, I think ur reaction is not out of the ordinary. these feeling will fade in time. They did for me. When the feeling did fade... Well now I just really try and not read these stories anymore because tbh... I can't cope with them. One reason I don't read my Facebook anymore!

Take solus in your child. When I read these stories I focus on my children. I hug them and kiss them and tell them how much I love them. I do everything I can for them to keep them safe and secure. I hold them so close. I watch them. I love them. If you keep thinking how much you love your child and how you would do anything for them... The pain will eventually fade. (Until someone brings the story up again!).

If this feeling last longer than a few weeks OP and you are still getting actively distressed I think a GP visit would be a good idea.

Hope your ok. It's an awful feeling.

LegacyUser

I can relate to this somewhat. When I had my first child, the anniversary of this murder came upon the news. It really hit me hard, thinking of my own little boy in Jamie's place.

It was a horrible, horrible thing what happened to that boy. Not human, those boys should have been put to death, I firmly believe that.

But it's over. No one dies smiling, death is horrid for everyone. I watched my mother die "in the arms of her family". She fought with every breath to stay alive. No one passes peacefully. No one.

What matters is life. Pick your child up, hug them and kiss their chocolate covered face. These moments are what makes life worth living for everyone.

looksee

kylith wrote: »

Honestly, I disagree. What you are doing now is strengthening the thought, you are obsessing about this. Put it out if your mind, if you find yourself starting to think about it actively do something else that will occupy your mind and stop yourself dwelling on it: listen to loud music and sing along, play with your daughter, teach your dog a new trick, tidy the garage, anything to redirect your train of thought.

I agree with kylith. Allowing the thoughts to go round and round in your head achieves nothing. It is not as though you are going to be able to work out a way of changing the outcome of that tragic case, or make a decision what you can do about it. It is done, over, finished.

Have you ever heard of Mindfulness? Its a kind of mental exercise that you could spend a lot of money being trained in, or you could read a bit up about it and do it at a really simple level. I found the second way worked when I found life bugging me a bit too much.

At its simplest it means that you pay attention to every tiny thing you do, loading the dishwasher, fixing something, you don't allow your mind to drift, you concentrate on every detail of what you are doing. I found one of the worst times for this round and round thinking was when I was driving, so I started to listen to audio books in the car - easy stuff that did not need concentration but kept my mind occupied.

Giving up your job, being upset about something as distant as the Jamie Bolger case is not good for you, your relationship or your child. You have to sort it, and thinking about it is not helpful.

Do go to your GP if you cannot get through this yourself, it does seem as though there might be something else that is the real problem.