Separated after 15 years.. what to do from here??

bud1970

Sooo, heres my story... i met my wife 15 years ago. we had a wonderful time together, and got married in 2003. she had 2 children from a previous relationship, and i raised them as my own. we followed up with three more kids who i love to death. over the years, cracks appeared. the shine went out of the marriage, our sex life diminished, and she started finding fault in everything i did, said, or was.. things came to a head, we argued all the time and we separated. i am now living alone in a ****ty flat wondering how the **** it all went wrong..... all i wanted was to make her happy, how did i **** that up in such spectacular fashion. anyone else been here?? any good advice?? thanks in advance.

McDermotX

Best bit of advice..........don't look on AH for advice.

Canis Lupus

McDermotX wrote: »

Best bit of advice..........don't look on AH for advice.

:rolleyes:

bud1970

rite... couldnt find any other forums for it. Mods want to move this for me? thanks

JupiterKid

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about your separation. Your best bet is to post in the relationship/personal issues forum.

McDermotX

bud1970 wrote: »

rite... couldnt find any other forums for it. Mods want to move this for me? thanks

Definitely your best bet

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=127

gar32

I split after 8 years with my 1st wife. It was hard but I just got out ant meet people. Go do a class or try something you always wanted to do and did not have the time. It seems bad now but I meet my current wife 18 month after splinting from my 1st wife. She help me do up my &%$% apartment and we will be together 10 years next month. We have 2 kids.

Use this time for yourself. No one else will make you happy. Unless you have a chance to go back and fix things its time to move on. Your kids will always be your kids. It's was a hard time. Maybe even a bit depressing but it's part of he healing process.

Good luck and try to be positive

Tombi!

AH Mod: Moving this from AH.
Have a look at their charter here first before posting, thanks:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057235143

whiskeyman

I can't give you advice, but I've seen many people in your situation who didn't leave and were so miserable.
At least you are now separated from something very toxic. That alone is a huge step for you.
Hope thing look up for you.

Dial Hard

How long have you been separated? It sounds very much like you are still stuck in the "Why did this happen to me???" stage. Which is fine if this happened relatively recently; it can take up to three years to fully come to terms with a marriage ending. People going through this go through the same Kubler-Ross grieving experience as those who've had a bereavement - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's not a linear progress for everyone, by any means - some people may skip a stage, or revert back one (I never really went through the Anger one, for example), but overall, the process is the same. You are grieving the end of your marriage, essentially.

Did you go through any couples counselling before your marriage ended? If not, I can see why you might be scrambling in the dark a little. Even if you did, I'd still recommend some counselling for yourself now.

I'm separated just over four years now and I can tell you that in the immediate aftermath, the words "Why" and "if only" nearly drove me to an early grave. I literally tortured myself with them. Counselling helped me to deal with those thought processes.

And at the end of the day, this whole thing *is* a process you have to go through. That is in no way meant to belittle what you're going through or how you feel about it. What I mean is that you can't force any aspect of it. It is what it is, but it will get better, if you let it. You have a choice. For me, the day I realised that is the day I turned the corner. I didn't get better all at once, not by a long shot. But I chose not to let my marriage ending define me. Yes, it is still the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I didn't let it make me a worse person. I refused to come out of my marriage a worse person than I was going in.

Best of luck, OP. You can come through this.

LegacyUser

Hey op

I feel for you. I'm a guy in a similar situation. Got together with my ex very young - had 3 kids together, all pretty much her idea, of course i love my kids but she pushed for kids at every stage. And then once our youngest went off to school she decided she wasn't happy any more and wanted to end the marriage.

It was the most horrible thing. I spent an long time trying to get over it - wondering how i would go on.

All i can say to you is things will get better. Do what you can with your apartment to make it the best place it can be. Even the smallest places can be amazing. Spend your time doing positive things - making your home as great as it can be. Spending time making your kids as happy as they can be.

Its a horrible thing to go through, but my view is that things can always be worse - as long as your kids are healthy thats most important. Try and think positive, you will meet someone new and be happy again.

Try and reconnect with friends and family.
I found this very helpful to talk through my situation. They all listened and cared.
Best of luck for your life ahead.

bud1970

Thank you for the positive posts... i am going thru the "if only" and the "How come" and the "why did this happen to me" phases... It breaks me up.... i am finding myself drinking a lot atm.. yes i know this is negative!!! but it numbs the pain....

Lisacatlover

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LegacyUser

bud1970 wrote: »

Thank you for the positive posts... i am going thru the "if only" and the "How come" and the "why did this happen to me" phases... It breaks me up.... i am finding myself drinking a lot atm.. yes i know this is negative!!! but it numbs the pain....

I went through a ton of emotions with the same issue. Shocked, depressed, really angry, lonely. But trust me these all pass when you realise things will be ok. That feeling of what if is painful - but you can eat yourself up thinking about that - it will of course take time for everything to pass but just try and keep busy. Keep your mind off it all as much as you can.

Start doing a bit of exercise, walking, running, cycling, the gym anything to get you moving and mind off it all.

I spent a lot of time drinking too - but quickly realised the drink only multiplies all those feelings and the pain. Try and stay away from the drink as much as you can - a few drinks with friends can be good but getting drunk can be very bad for the mind i found.

I started online dating too - met a few lovely women, and have been seeing one for a few months now. At first I could never imagine being with anyone else after so long with one person. Found it very hard to meet women in pubs - but have met a few great women online.

Best of luck! Keep the head up bud.