Non 'traditional' sexual preferences and judgement?

LegacyUser

Hi,
So I’m putting this in this forum as for me – it’s more of a sexuality issue than a relationship one.

Essentially, I’m kind of fluid with regards to my sexuality. I’ve been in a stable committed long term (10+years) relationship with my OH (male) since my early 20’s. We are usually monogamous, but have flexible rules that we revisit and change at times. Essentially, sometimes we swing together. Sometimes we have an open relationship. Sometimes we don’t. The boundaries are discussed and we always know where we stand. Personally, I fancy guys and girls. The only steadfast rule is that any other person being flirted with – or kissed etc. – must know that we are in a relationship.

None of the labels fit us: ie I’m not 50/50 bisexual, we’re not totally open nor poly – the short version is that I don’t believe that monogamy needs to be the foundation of a relationship. He prefers monogamy but enjoys the flexibility and is increasingly becoming more open. We have fun. I’m female btw.

My difficulty is that I am increasingly struggling to understand my friends narrow attitudes to sexuality in general. They are all conservative. This is fine. I am not conservative, I’ve never been, and I’ve always been somewhat open in conversation about that (with partners NOT friends). Friends would know I’m not as strict as them but would not know how open our relationship is. They put anything they had known in the past down to teenage ‘experimentation’ or ‘acting out’.

I’m totally ok with other people having different opinions – but I am beginning to feel like I am hiding a lot about myself. I am starting to really wish I had “normal” attitudes and beliefs. I’m finding myself trying to convince myself to be – and think – like other people instead of myself. I fear the judgement of others. It’s noticeable that we are a little different from other couples – even if no one has ever seen us get with other people – it is obvious that I don’t mind my oh flirting or dancing with others. I have admitted to peers – after a few drinks - that it doesn’t make me jealous it turns me on…However, I’m still asked: How is OH ok with you talking to others? Why? You are risking your relationship…etc. etc. etc.

It feels like nobody else understands. Were an attractive couple, with a healthy attitude to sex and adventure – and don’t believe that trying new things have to stop, once you find the person you want to spend your life with. Why does believing like this make me feel so abnormal? As we get older others seem to be getting more conservative. Whereas, we’re going in opposite direction.

I’m really struggling to integrate other people’s disgust/disapproval of me. It’s making me question myself and feel a little worthless. My partner, with someone else, would more than likely be much more ‘traditional’. It’s me, it’s my fantasies and what turns me on that is different. This isn’t causing a divide in our relationship – it works for us. But it’s affecting my friendships. I want to think more like others. I wish I could. I’m scared that I am going to lose people around me that matter to me.

Has anyone any advice? Is it time for me to bury deep what we find fun, to fit in? Surely that doesn't make sense. Is that a stupid way to think? What do I do?

Ten of Swords

Every relationship is different and what you have with your partner may not fit the traditional view but it works for you both. I don't see why you should compromise what feels right and fun for you in order to 'fit in' with your friends.

confu$ed wrote: »

I’m really struggling to integrate other people’s disgust/disapproval of me. It’s making me question myself and feel a little worthless.

What have your friends said or done that has caused you to feel this way because that is not healthy at all? Conservative views work for them and that's fine but your post reads like they offer no understanding of your lifestyle and relationship, only criticism. So what if your partner is flirting with other women and you don't mind and so what if you are, in their eyes, 'risking your relationship' by talking to others. What has it got to do with them? Do you think this misplaced concern on their part, in which case they should back off once you have explained that your relationship works and allows for this, because to me it just seems like they are being gossipy and bitchy.

confu$ed wrote: »

I want to think more like others. I wish I could. I’m scared that I am going to lose people around me that matter to me.

I think some people on this forum can certainly relate to being in this frame of mind, maybe for different reasons but the feelings are still the same and it's awful.

If your lifestyle is not putting a strain on your relationship then I'm afraid the problem is with your friends. You have explained the situation to them, might be time for a frank conversation with them and tell them to respect your boundaries and treat you like true friends should.

Fleawuss

Having flexible rules that you revisit and change is typical of all humans and human institutions. Even the ones that don't admit it and pretend to be above relativism. ��

Fleawuss

Having flexible rules that you revisit and change is typical of all humans and human institutions. Even the ones that don't admit it and pretend to be above relativism. 😉